CBB5: Day 26: 28th Jan 2007 - Final Day

They all wake but become locked in bedroom until they are told to gather in the kitchen for a dominos task. A 90-minute task involving a long snake of dominos that must reach the diary room door and ring a bell. (Fascinating!) They pass and get a Pamper Hamper. Ian tries to straighten Shilpa’s hair by yanking her head off and burning her ear. The housemates have a lunch and sit in silence until they are able to go to the bedroom and pack.

The Big Brother highlights narrator broadcasts live to the house, doing his famous Geordie commentary on what the housemates are doing, as they do it. He then engages them in a game of Simon Says (Marcus Says), which results in more high-pitched screams from Shilpa and Danielle. Dirk walks on his hands, as instructed. Ian puts Shilpa’s sari on.

The end is near. The final meal is eaten and the dishes are left gloriously unwashed. Ian gets hyperactive. (He is 'H'.) The cases go the diary room. Dirk worries that he’ll be harassed in bars for not buying drinks. Clearly losing his marbles, Dirk gives in to Ian’s demands and decides to hairspray his own hair. They sit and wait. I nervously gulp orange juice and curse the day I gave up drinking.

Jack and Dani are first and evicted together…. with a paltry 3% each. They are roundly booed and royally humiliated at their interview. Jack looks dumbstruck and truly horrified…his best bits montage has the song “Who Are You?” and I almost admire Endemol for that…but not quite. Danielle’s brain goes into overdrive; she’s shocked, angry, giggly and then “I’ve learned not to be a bitch!” she claims. I dislike Jo, but Jo got the worst interview of all the bullies, which is hardly fair…Danielle gets off lightly.

Ian is fourth, and still hyperactive. He is the highest placed Brit and rightly so. Though cowardly and simpering, he was balanced, fair and had a genuine heart, in my opinion and he got a lovely reaction from the crowd, which seems about right.

Dirk is third, and he is delighted with 16% of the vote. Dirk gives a great interview, admits his dry humour was lost on most and that he found things tough. He plays his audience perfectly. Davina clearly has a soft spot for him and he is so wonderfully witty and funny I’m going to miss him a lot. I’m smitten, I’m afraid.

Jermaine is second. Even as he heads out of the door, Jermaine is able to utter wisdom and pithily calm words to a nervous Shilpa who inexplicably gets booed. I realise why she was booed when I spot a “F*ck of India!” banner in the crowd! Lovely. Britain is so nice, isn’t it? Jermaine is calm and classy throughout. His interview is great, everyone loves him – hell, I love him and I’m a bitter and twisted young soul.

With a massive 63% of the vote, Shilpa Shetty wins. This is good because she is a rarity; she is a female TV show contestant who is frank, calm, collected, smart, witty, cute, dignified and kind. She is a total rarity – a woman who barely swears, doesn’t need to fart and burp and get drunk in order to gain a personality, nor bear her arse, breasts and ex-lovers for the world to see. The only downside to Shilpa is her quite annoying laugh and we’ve all got them. Heck, I’ve got several. Shilpa also came back with the best put down of any series so far to the odious, fame and status obsessed Jade – “Your claim to fame is this!” I might get it as a ringtone.

I’m glad it’s all over. Dirk, Jermaine and Shilpa were the last three and none was British. This show has proven that the nasty underbelly of Britain – the zeleb crazed, fame hungry, vapid brained, personality-less muppets that manage to inveigle their fake boobs, fake ‘hard lives’ and fake ‘I’m mad me’ attitudes on to any type of TV - are simply vile. Whatever these sour and horrible young men but mainly young women (and old women) represent, they do not represent me. If an apathetic misery like me can stand up to a bully at the age of thirteen – resulting in three of my fingers being broken and my coat set alight (with me in it) – then surely one of those mirthless tripe hounds – Danielle, Jo and Jade - could have discovered a bit of conscience, humility or compassion and realise what they were doing? And how thick to do it on national TV?

Cleo Roccos and Carole Malone appear on the rather dreadful Big Brother’s Big Mouth with the tedious Russell Bland…I mean Brand, not to celebrate Shilpa but to humiliate Dirk once more for saying that the middle-age cleavaged and fat arsed Cleo had, in fact, a middle age cleavage and a fat arse. Not content, they had to stoop so low as to drag Dirk’s personal life and his son into their drunken old lady ramblings. (Like your mum and your auntie after a lock-in.) In yet another fit of pique, I emailed Carole Malone…(last time I had a fit of pique and emailed OfCom, The Press, Carphone Warehouse, John Noel Management and Channel 4, all hell broke loose).

For your delight, or shame…my email to Carole Malone:

Carole

I emailed you earlier in the series to highlight the awful bullying of Shilpa and you seemed to take a lot on board, though subsequently changed your tune – mentioning it in your column.

I’m afraid I told you I enjoyed your column and wished you had stayed in the house. After watching what can only be described as a disgracefully low personal attack tonight on Dirk Benedict on Big Brother’s Big Mouth, I think I must revise my opinion of you.

You support bullies, play down racism, think Cleo’s sexual harassment of Dirk is funny (would you have laughed if Dirk had done the same to an unwilling and clearly upset Cleo?) and then you and that dreadful creature Cleo have the audacity to drag Dirk's innocent 18-year-old son into it, saying he takes after his mother – who you know didn’t raise him, all to attack Dirk?

You have proven that you are a terrible judge of character, which is a crying shame for a ‘journalist’ such as yourself. I thought you were vindictive with Anne Diamond on Fit Club but gave you the benefit of the doubt. I wish I hadn’t bothered.

My biggest comfort is that not only did no Brit win Big Brother; none came in the final three. That has proven that the representatives of the UK that go on these shows – such as yourself - are not remotely worthy. Ian was the only decent British finalist - and low and behold in your column, you hate him!

Cleo, thank goodness, has no chance of a career considering she is not only unfunny, rude, offensive and disturbed but downright boring.
Regards

Think the email was too stern? Glad the show is gone? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk