They all wake but become locked in bedroom until they are told to gather in the kitchen for a dominos task. A 90-minute task involving a long snake of dominos that must reach the diary room door and ring a bell. (Fascinating!) They pass and get a Pamper Hamper. Ian tries to straighten Shilpa’s hair by yanking her head off and burning her ear. The housemates have a lunch and sit in silence until they are able to go to the bedroom and pack.
The Big Brother highlights narrator broadcasts live to the house, doing his famous Geordie commentary on what the housemates are doing, as they do it. He then engages them in a game of Simon Says (Marcus Says), which results in more high-pitched screams from Shilpa and Danielle. Dirk walks on his hands, as instructed. Ian puts Shilpa’s sari on.
The end is near. The final meal is eaten and the dishes are left gloriously unwashed. Ian gets hyperactive. (He is 'H'.) The cases go the diary room. Dirk worries that he’ll be harassed in bars for not buying drinks. Clearly losing his marbles, Dirk gives in to Ian’s demands and decides to hairspray his own hair. They sit and wait. I nervously gulp orange juice and curse the day I gave up drinking.
Jack and Dani are first and evicted together…. with a paltry 3% each. They are roundly booed and royally humiliated at their interview. Jack looks dumbstruck and truly horrified…his best bits montage has the song “Who Are You?” and I almost admire Endemol for that…but not quite. Danielle’s brain goes into overdrive; she’s shocked, angry, giggly and then “I’ve learned not to be a bitch!” she claims. I dislike Jo, but Jo got the worst interview of all the bullies, which is hardly fair…Danielle gets off lightly.
Ian is fourth, and still hyperactive. He is the highest placed Brit and rightly so. Though cowardly and simpering, he was balanced, fair and had a genuine heart, in my opinion and he got a lovely reaction from the crowd, which seems about right.
Dirk is third, and he is delighted with 16% of the vote. Dirk gives a great interview, admits his dry humour was lost on most and that he found things tough. He plays his audience perfectly. Davina clearly has a soft spot for him and he is so wonderfully witty and funny I’m going to miss him a lot. I’m smitten, I’m afraid.
Jermaine is second. Even as he heads out of the door, Jermaine is able to utter wisdom and pithily calm words to a nervous Shilpa who inexplicably gets booed. I realise why she was booed when I spot a “F*ck of India!” banner in the crowd! Lovely. Britain is so nice, isn’t it? Jermaine is calm and classy throughout. His interview is great, everyone loves him – hell, I love him and I’m a bitter and twisted young soul.
With a massive 63% of the vote, Shilpa Shetty wins. This is good because she is a rarity; she is a female TV show contestant who is frank, calm, collected, smart, witty, cute, dignified and kind. She is a total rarity – a woman who barely swears, doesn’t need to fart and burp and get drunk in order to gain a personality, nor bear her arse, breasts and ex-lovers for the world to see. The only downside to Shilpa is her quite annoying laugh and we’ve all got them. Heck, I’ve got several. Shilpa also came back with the best put down of any series so far to the odious, fame and status obsessed Jade – “Your claim to fame is this!” I might get it as a ringtone.
I’m glad it’s all over. Dirk, Jermaine and Shilpa were the last three and none was British. This show has proven that the nasty underbelly of Britain – the zeleb crazed, fame hungry, vapid brained, personality-less muppets that manage to inveigle their fake boobs, fake ‘hard lives’ and fake ‘I’m mad me’ attitudes on to any type of TV - are simply vile. Whatever these sour and horrible young men but mainly young women (and old women) represent, they do not represent me. If an apathetic misery like me can stand up to a bully at the age of thirteen – resulting in three of my fingers being broken and my coat set alight (with me in it) – then surely one of those mirthless tripe hounds – Danielle, Jo and Jade - could have discovered a bit of conscience, humility or compassion and realise what they were doing? And how thick to do it on national TV?
Cleo Roccos and Carole Malone appear on the rather dreadful Big Brother’s Big Mouth with the tedious Russell Bland…I mean Brand, not to celebrate Shilpa but to humiliate Dirk once more for saying that the middle-age cleavaged and fat arsed Cleo had, in fact, a middle age cleavage and a fat arse. Not content, they had to stoop so low as to drag Dirk’s personal life and his son into their drunken old lady ramblings. (Like your mum and your auntie after a lock-in.) In yet another fit of pique, I emailed Carole Malone…(last time I had a fit of pique and emailed OfCom, The Press, Carphone Warehouse, John Noel Management and Channel 4, all hell broke loose).
For your delight, or shame…my email to Carole Malone:
Carole
I emailed you earlier in the series to highlight the awful bullying of Shilpa and you seemed to take a lot on board, though subsequently changed your tune – mentioning it in your column.
I’m afraid I told you I enjoyed your column and wished you had stayed in the house. After watching what can only be described as a disgracefully low personal attack tonight on Dirk Benedict on Big Brother’s Big Mouth, I think I must revise my opinion of you.
You support bullies, play down racism, think Cleo’s sexual harassment of Dirk is funny (would you have laughed if Dirk had done the same to an unwilling and clearly upset Cleo?) and then you and that dreadful creature Cleo have the audacity to drag Dirk's innocent 18-year-old son into it, saying he takes after his mother – who you know didn’t raise him, all to attack Dirk?
You have proven that you are a terrible judge of character, which is a crying shame for a ‘journalist’ such as yourself. I thought you were vindictive with Anne Diamond on Fit Club but gave you the benefit of the doubt. I wish I hadn’t bothered.
My biggest comfort is that not only did no Brit win Big Brother; none came in the final three. That has proven that the representatives of the UK that go on these shows – such as yourself - are not remotely worthy. Ian was the only decent British finalist - and low and behold in your column, you hate him!
Cleo, thank goodness, has no chance of a career considering she is not only unfunny, rude, offensive and disturbed but downright boring.
Regards
Think the email was too stern? Glad the show is gone? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Sunday 28 January 2007
Saturday 27 January 2007
CBB5: Day 25: 27th Jan 2007
Danielle wakes and puts on her Sheringham West Ham shirt – if I were cruel I would laugh. She wants to spend the day lying around eating fish fingers. Ian waffles on about acting, trying to convince Dirk to stay in the UK and do a play with him. Ian goes into the bedroom and is attacked by Dani and Jack with a can of shaving foam. Covered in gunk Dani demands to have a shower but Dirk insists he’s next in line. Not happy, Danielle looks around frantically before realising she has no one left to bitch with. Instead she settles for waxing Ian’s toes.
Running out of tasks Big Brother decides to finally use the question box in the living room. The questions that come in are appalling except for the one Jack gets, “Are you silent because you are used to Jade doing all the talking?” Jermaine’s question results in him announcing, “I need a lobotomy” Dirk is asked if he kept any of his Battlestar Gallactica uniform. Dani is asked if she could bring back any of the housemates departed who would it be. “All of them. Even Ken,” she says. She’s clearly missing his “meat and two veg”.
Bored, everyone goes the garden and rolls around in duvets. Dirk watches and tells Jermaine he thinks Jack has a crush on Danielle. Ian thinks Jo will be on the chat show circuit, deluged with offers to sing and act…oh Ian, if only you knew. He then reassures a nervous Danielle that the public will love her for being honest and says there is nothing at all negative about her. A game of blind man’s bluff ends with Ian stubbing his toe and Shilpa fussing around him like a mother hen.
A task seems imminent when the group is locked in he bedroom and they can hear drilling and banging. The task involves the housemates having to make four films…one for each week, a romance, an action, a film noir and a Bollywood musical
The first week movie sees Dirk as Ken, appalled at Jackiey’s farting. Donny’s exist is played out with Jack dressed as Donny – the irony lost as Jack seems to have forgotten Donny left because of Jack and his ‘moron’ girlfriend. The romance is Dirk and Shilpa flirting. Danielle plays Shilpa in true melodramatic style, annoying laugh and “oh Dirk,” sighs included. Jermaine plays Dirk.
The infamous Oxo cube scene sees Ian as Shilpa and Jack as Jade. The row is suddenly funny and not at all the vile, bile infused, headache-inducing nightmare it appeared in reality. Shilpa dresses as Danielle complete with comedy boobs and stupid giggle. Dirk takes on the role of Leo Sayer; breaking out of the house. The week 4 film depicts the relentless wait for eviction in Bollywood style. Jermaine plays Jo, fag in hand and glum face. As Danielle, Shilpa pulls off a hilarious impersonation, screaming 'Teddy!' and ‘fook! I’ve won!’ before she is pulled off stage by a giant hook, held by Jermaine
They all pass and dress to impress for their three-course meal reward. Dirk sings Danielle’s praises thinking she’d make a great actress – you aint kidding, her performance these last two as a nice sweet, easily led girl is very nearly convincing. Jack and Ian hide fruit under Danielle’s duvet. Jack throws something. “You threw a potato at a Jackson!!” Ian squeals. Dirk and Shilpa sit in the kitchen and reflect. “I’ve enjoyed it” Shilpa says. “I haven’t” Dirk replies. Finally everyone goes to bed and, for the first time since the series started, there seems to be a sense of calm and ease. Clearly, the poisonous influences have gone and they can all see the finish line. Thankfully, so can I. Not sure how much more of it I could take, to be honest.
Think Jack should win? Believe Danielle’s Road to Damascus moment? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Running out of tasks Big Brother decides to finally use the question box in the living room. The questions that come in are appalling except for the one Jack gets, “Are you silent because you are used to Jade doing all the talking?” Jermaine’s question results in him announcing, “I need a lobotomy” Dirk is asked if he kept any of his Battlestar Gallactica uniform. Dani is asked if she could bring back any of the housemates departed who would it be. “All of them. Even Ken,” she says. She’s clearly missing his “meat and two veg”.
Bored, everyone goes the garden and rolls around in duvets. Dirk watches and tells Jermaine he thinks Jack has a crush on Danielle. Ian thinks Jo will be on the chat show circuit, deluged with offers to sing and act…oh Ian, if only you knew. He then reassures a nervous Danielle that the public will love her for being honest and says there is nothing at all negative about her. A game of blind man’s bluff ends with Ian stubbing his toe and Shilpa fussing around him like a mother hen.
A task seems imminent when the group is locked in he bedroom and they can hear drilling and banging. The task involves the housemates having to make four films…one for each week, a romance, an action, a film noir and a Bollywood musical
The first week movie sees Dirk as Ken, appalled at Jackiey’s farting. Donny’s exist is played out with Jack dressed as Donny – the irony lost as Jack seems to have forgotten Donny left because of Jack and his ‘moron’ girlfriend. The romance is Dirk and Shilpa flirting. Danielle plays Shilpa in true melodramatic style, annoying laugh and “oh Dirk,” sighs included. Jermaine plays Dirk.
The infamous Oxo cube scene sees Ian as Shilpa and Jack as Jade. The row is suddenly funny and not at all the vile, bile infused, headache-inducing nightmare it appeared in reality. Shilpa dresses as Danielle complete with comedy boobs and stupid giggle. Dirk takes on the role of Leo Sayer; breaking out of the house. The week 4 film depicts the relentless wait for eviction in Bollywood style. Jermaine plays Jo, fag in hand and glum face. As Danielle, Shilpa pulls off a hilarious impersonation, screaming 'Teddy!' and ‘fook! I’ve won!’ before she is pulled off stage by a giant hook, held by Jermaine
They all pass and dress to impress for their three-course meal reward. Dirk sings Danielle’s praises thinking she’d make a great actress – you aint kidding, her performance these last two as a nice sweet, easily led girl is very nearly convincing. Jack and Ian hide fruit under Danielle’s duvet. Jack throws something. “You threw a potato at a Jackson!!” Ian squeals. Dirk and Shilpa sit in the kitchen and reflect. “I’ve enjoyed it” Shilpa says. “I haven’t” Dirk replies. Finally everyone goes to bed and, for the first time since the series started, there seems to be a sense of calm and ease. Clearly, the poisonous influences have gone and they can all see the finish line. Thankfully, so can I. Not sure how much more of it I could take, to be honest.
Think Jack should win? Believe Danielle’s Road to Damascus moment? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Friday 26 January 2007
CBB5: Day 24: 26th Jan 2007
Jermaine wakes early and begins to clean all the dishes and surfaces. I love a clean man, myself. Ian joins him. “I’ve never done anything like this before.” He says. “And I never will again.” I don’t blame you Ian. Jermaine gets carried away. “I’m going to have another cup of tea.” Go for it Jermaine! The tolling bell of doom alarm wakes the sleeping contestants. Danielle screams, cranking up the Nikki impression, Dirk, now in recovery from Cleo-ism speaks about the dream he had where the British public pelted him with stones.
Dirk goes to the bedroom to exercise topless. Jack follows suit, treating everyone to an unwanted view of his scrawny chest and pasty skin. Danielle goes to the garden with Jo who clamps her duvet to her. She has to be in bed wherever she goes that girl. “I can’t wait to see Teddy,” Danielle squeals. Quick, someone catapult a copy of today’s The Sun over the fence and let young Dani see that Teddy has chucked her garb in the street.
Cleo comes and joins the girls. “It depends on tonight’s highlights as to who will go,” she says. Well, there we have it! Now we know why she apologised to Dirk and tried to make her peace. To wind them up Dirk calls Cleo and Shilpa fat and ugly. “We've discovered you're a livewire,” Cleo answers. “I may be a deadwire when I get outta here!” Replies Dirk. Never Dirk…
Back in the kitchen, Jack nearly dies of delight when he discovers what a cappuccino is. Jo claims her bad moods are down to PMT. I’ve never know anyone’s PMT to last nine years but still…Everyone dresses prettily, even Jo. Ian shows more cleavage than is necessary…but Ian needn’t worry. He won’t be evicted. They gather and await the eviction results.
Justice prevails and Jo is announced as the next housemate the leave. Hoards of angry morons chant ‘Get Jo Out’, which she hears…promoting mass panic, faux reassurance and Danielle crapping her pants. Cleo is announced as next to leave. Whatever I’ve said about Cleo I admire her bravery. She fronts out the crowd, boobs forward, head back, big grin and inane wave – dragging Jo behind like a terrified toddler. “They’re booing” Jo whines. “Who cares?” Says Cleo.
Jo has her interview with a tough talking Davina but remains entirely impassive, cold and unmoved by the furore. “I aint a racist coz me cousin married an Indian” – say what? Heaven help us. She’s shown the newspapers, shown the bullying, shown everything but her frozen hard skinned face doesn’t crack. “It wunt that bad.” She says. “I never said nuffin’ racist” she claims after Davina plays the racist clip. Jo is ushered away and I have a nasty taste in my mouth but a sense of pride that the public voted the dreadful woman out.
Cleo is interviewed next. I’ve never seen a more incoherent, bizarre and frankly creepy interview in my life. Cleo thinks Danielle and Jack are the best! She wants to murder Dirk. She didn’t stop the bullying because she didn’t think she could and it needed “a man” She struggles to answer any questions and stares ahead like a rabbit recovering from a road traffic accident. I think I can hear John Noel’s head falling into his hands somewhere off set.
Danielle, distraught that her behaviour may have been seen in as bad a light as Jo’s, cries for an age. She is only cheered when Ian finds a pubic hair on his beer. I don’t want to know how that got there but I reckon Jack may have taken a piss in the bottle, thinking it was Soy Sauce. Danielle follows Dirk and Jermaine outside and chats…in her best babyish voice. Jack joins in a does an impression of a lamb – or maybe that was simply his true self? Dirk is at ease and discusses past loves and mountain lions. “There was a panther in Epping” Jack says. Pity you didn’t encounter it one dark night Jack…Dirk sighs in a way that indicates he’s been here before…. two annoying youngsters talking crap. You can tell he’s a father.
Bedtime comes. Ian pushes his bed net to Shilpa’s. “Dirk’s been wanting to do that for days.” Shilpa laughs. She and Ian discuss Danielle, claiming she is lovely, but stupid and easily led. Meanwhile Danielle bounces on Jack’s bed and playfully punches him before he lamely lobs a shoe at her. Ian finally bores Shilpa to sleep and promptly lays awake, sniffing endlessly for hours.
Want a Jo O’Meara dressing gown? Wish Cleo was your mum? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Dirk goes to the bedroom to exercise topless. Jack follows suit, treating everyone to an unwanted view of his scrawny chest and pasty skin. Danielle goes to the garden with Jo who clamps her duvet to her. She has to be in bed wherever she goes that girl. “I can’t wait to see Teddy,” Danielle squeals. Quick, someone catapult a copy of today’s The Sun over the fence and let young Dani see that Teddy has chucked her garb in the street.
Cleo comes and joins the girls. “It depends on tonight’s highlights as to who will go,” she says. Well, there we have it! Now we know why she apologised to Dirk and tried to make her peace. To wind them up Dirk calls Cleo and Shilpa fat and ugly. “We've discovered you're a livewire,” Cleo answers. “I may be a deadwire when I get outta here!” Replies Dirk. Never Dirk…
Back in the kitchen, Jack nearly dies of delight when he discovers what a cappuccino is. Jo claims her bad moods are down to PMT. I’ve never know anyone’s PMT to last nine years but still…Everyone dresses prettily, even Jo. Ian shows more cleavage than is necessary…but Ian needn’t worry. He won’t be evicted. They gather and await the eviction results.
Justice prevails and Jo is announced as the next housemate the leave. Hoards of angry morons chant ‘Get Jo Out’, which she hears…promoting mass panic, faux reassurance and Danielle crapping her pants. Cleo is announced as next to leave. Whatever I’ve said about Cleo I admire her bravery. She fronts out the crowd, boobs forward, head back, big grin and inane wave – dragging Jo behind like a terrified toddler. “They’re booing” Jo whines. “Who cares?” Says Cleo.
Jo has her interview with a tough talking Davina but remains entirely impassive, cold and unmoved by the furore. “I aint a racist coz me cousin married an Indian” – say what? Heaven help us. She’s shown the newspapers, shown the bullying, shown everything but her frozen hard skinned face doesn’t crack. “It wunt that bad.” She says. “I never said nuffin’ racist” she claims after Davina plays the racist clip. Jo is ushered away and I have a nasty taste in my mouth but a sense of pride that the public voted the dreadful woman out.
Cleo is interviewed next. I’ve never seen a more incoherent, bizarre and frankly creepy interview in my life. Cleo thinks Danielle and Jack are the best! She wants to murder Dirk. She didn’t stop the bullying because she didn’t think she could and it needed “a man” She struggles to answer any questions and stares ahead like a rabbit recovering from a road traffic accident. I think I can hear John Noel’s head falling into his hands somewhere off set.
Danielle, distraught that her behaviour may have been seen in as bad a light as Jo’s, cries for an age. She is only cheered when Ian finds a pubic hair on his beer. I don’t want to know how that got there but I reckon Jack may have taken a piss in the bottle, thinking it was Soy Sauce. Danielle follows Dirk and Jermaine outside and chats…in her best babyish voice. Jack joins in a does an impression of a lamb – or maybe that was simply his true self? Dirk is at ease and discusses past loves and mountain lions. “There was a panther in Epping” Jack says. Pity you didn’t encounter it one dark night Jack…Dirk sighs in a way that indicates he’s been here before…. two annoying youngsters talking crap. You can tell he’s a father.
Bedtime comes. Ian pushes his bed net to Shilpa’s. “Dirk’s been wanting to do that for days.” Shilpa laughs. She and Ian discuss Danielle, claiming she is lovely, but stupid and easily led. Meanwhile Danielle bounces on Jack’s bed and playfully punches him before he lamely lobs a shoe at her. Ian finally bores Shilpa to sleep and promptly lays awake, sniffing endlessly for hours.
Want a Jo O’Meara dressing gown? Wish Cleo was your mum? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
CBB5: Day 23: 25th Jan 2007
Cleo exercises in the bedroom. Dirk looks on, aghast, from his bed. The A-Team theme is played into the room and Dirk shoots out of bed, with a quick salute. Jermaine makes tea in a very serene way. All housemates crawl out of bed to see what awaits them in the larder. Cleo takes the opportunity to bitch to Ian about these now infamous “lies” Dirk is meant to have told, though what these are is anyone’s guess. Cleo’s obsession with Dirk is as unbalanced and as unwholesome as Jade’s was with Shilpa. Danielle runs to the toilet with loo roll in hand, screaming “My backside is gonna burst!!!” Lovely!
Danielle later decides to cooks something she deludedly refers to as “shepherd’s pie” although it looks more like the remnants of Dani’s earlier backside explosion. When lunch is over, the boys and Shilpa go outside. Jack offers Shilpa his jacket. What? That boy scares me sometimes. His jacket? Meanwhile Jo and Cleo embark on some more Dirk slating. “He repulses me” Jo declares. Please Jo do you not see the irony in any of your statements you dog breath stinking crusty fingered hound? Danielle and Jack remain outdoors struggling to fathom out what clouds are made of. Hmmm is it Bimbo and Himbo brain matter?
Just as the tedium is about to kill me, the housemates are called to the bedroom “until further notice”. Pearl of wisdom number 3 from Jack: Wee on your hands to make them soft. No wonder he likes Jade. She seems the sort to stink of pi$$. Finally, everyone is called to the dining table and Dirk reads out the latest task:
“In 2007 a crack Unit is sent to Big Brother House. Rewards must be retrieved by using the tools provided with ingenuity”. Ingenuity? They’ve come to the wrong house. A strange lump of trashy crap sits in the living room (not Danielle) and it seems the inmates have to fish the junk out after creating fishing rods.
Shilpa wins a bear, Dani some doughnuts; Dirk goes for whiskey and a salmon that has been scraped on the floor…. Cleo some bath stuff. Jo won’t take part, claiming she “dunt want nufin’ or nufin’” which I’m sure she will stick to religiously when demanding Dirk’s booze! No, within twenty minutes she’s begging Dirk for some of the whiskey. Jermaine is determined to win a battered old bag (not Cleo, but a suitcase). First £10 shoes and now an old suitcase? That man sure is frugal. Ian gallantly wins some tacky looking jewellery for the girls.
Dirk laughs “Is that a dog collar? I wonder if Jo would want that.” Referring of course to her dogs and not her good self. Ian attempts humour “don’t you just love it when a plan comes together” he says somewhat predictably. There is an audible groan.
Dirk cooks the skanky fish despite Jo’s moans and Jermaine’s look of horror. Everyone then returns to the bedroom with their “goodies” Shilpa waxes Jack’s legs…and he screams like a ‘gewl’ – Dirk decides to join in to which Cleo declares, “I love you Dirk! I’ve hated you these last 3 days but I love you now.” Run Dirk. Run like the wind! Flee! “I prefer the hate” Dirk grimaces. Instead they hug, in a rather lacklustre fashion.
Realising that being an unreasonable, stroppy behemoth can make you successful, as it did Nikki Grahame; Danielle decides to throw a massive hissy fit because she didn’t win any nail glue. Jo, just for a change, decides to laugh and torment Dani. Suddenly Cleo’s spine starts to show! What? Cleo who couldn’t give a toss that Jade nearly thumped Shilpa for weeks on end? Cleo’s simpering gets worse. “You must make up with her, Jo” she says. “She’s very sensitive”
Without warning Cleo launches into another sad-old-lady paean to the late Kenny Everett, her “soul mate” which has everyone in tears – even me…well nearly. Dirk cooks his salmon to perfection, it’s like a work of art and everyone – even the idiots appreciate it. Danielle’s ‘shepherd’s pie’ is discussed with brevity. Cleo and Dirk bond over their mutual dislike of it.
An obvious divide forms again. Jermaine and Dirk discuss world affairs and pressing international politics. Cleo and Jo discuss Danielle’s vomiting. The grown ups go to bed again, and Shilpa settles down to meditate. “Knock off the meditation I want to talk to you..... Every time I want to have a serious conversation you meditate” Dirk teases. “You’ve had 23 days to wake me up in the morning with a gentle shake and say ' wake up Dirk I'm hungry, I want you to make me some soup ....... but nothing'” He laughs.
“Where did the old Dirk go to today, you've changed and it's nice?” Replies Shilpa before nodding off. “Ah a little of my real personality maybe sneaking out” Comes the reply. Jermaine smiles to himself…the tepid flirting is the only the keeping him going. Hell, it’s the only thing keeping me going.
Glad it’s nearly gone? Worried for Cleo’s mental health? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Danielle later decides to cooks something she deludedly refers to as “shepherd’s pie” although it looks more like the remnants of Dani’s earlier backside explosion. When lunch is over, the boys and Shilpa go outside. Jack offers Shilpa his jacket. What? That boy scares me sometimes. His jacket? Meanwhile Jo and Cleo embark on some more Dirk slating. “He repulses me” Jo declares. Please Jo do you not see the irony in any of your statements you dog breath stinking crusty fingered hound? Danielle and Jack remain outdoors struggling to fathom out what clouds are made of. Hmmm is it Bimbo and Himbo brain matter?
Just as the tedium is about to kill me, the housemates are called to the bedroom “until further notice”. Pearl of wisdom number 3 from Jack: Wee on your hands to make them soft. No wonder he likes Jade. She seems the sort to stink of pi$$. Finally, everyone is called to the dining table and Dirk reads out the latest task:
“In 2007 a crack Unit is sent to Big Brother House. Rewards must be retrieved by using the tools provided with ingenuity”. Ingenuity? They’ve come to the wrong house. A strange lump of trashy crap sits in the living room (not Danielle) and it seems the inmates have to fish the junk out after creating fishing rods.
Shilpa wins a bear, Dani some doughnuts; Dirk goes for whiskey and a salmon that has been scraped on the floor…. Cleo some bath stuff. Jo won’t take part, claiming she “dunt want nufin’ or nufin’” which I’m sure she will stick to religiously when demanding Dirk’s booze! No, within twenty minutes she’s begging Dirk for some of the whiskey. Jermaine is determined to win a battered old bag (not Cleo, but a suitcase). First £10 shoes and now an old suitcase? That man sure is frugal. Ian gallantly wins some tacky looking jewellery for the girls.
Dirk laughs “Is that a dog collar? I wonder if Jo would want that.” Referring of course to her dogs and not her good self. Ian attempts humour “don’t you just love it when a plan comes together” he says somewhat predictably. There is an audible groan.
Dirk cooks the skanky fish despite Jo’s moans and Jermaine’s look of horror. Everyone then returns to the bedroom with their “goodies” Shilpa waxes Jack’s legs…and he screams like a ‘gewl’ – Dirk decides to join in to which Cleo declares, “I love you Dirk! I’ve hated you these last 3 days but I love you now.” Run Dirk. Run like the wind! Flee! “I prefer the hate” Dirk grimaces. Instead they hug, in a rather lacklustre fashion.
Realising that being an unreasonable, stroppy behemoth can make you successful, as it did Nikki Grahame; Danielle decides to throw a massive hissy fit because she didn’t win any nail glue. Jo, just for a change, decides to laugh and torment Dani. Suddenly Cleo’s spine starts to show! What? Cleo who couldn’t give a toss that Jade nearly thumped Shilpa for weeks on end? Cleo’s simpering gets worse. “You must make up with her, Jo” she says. “She’s very sensitive”
Without warning Cleo launches into another sad-old-lady paean to the late Kenny Everett, her “soul mate” which has everyone in tears – even me…well nearly. Dirk cooks his salmon to perfection, it’s like a work of art and everyone – even the idiots appreciate it. Danielle’s ‘shepherd’s pie’ is discussed with brevity. Cleo and Dirk bond over their mutual dislike of it.
An obvious divide forms again. Jermaine and Dirk discuss world affairs and pressing international politics. Cleo and Jo discuss Danielle’s vomiting. The grown ups go to bed again, and Shilpa settles down to meditate. “Knock off the meditation I want to talk to you..... Every time I want to have a serious conversation you meditate” Dirk teases. “You’ve had 23 days to wake me up in the morning with a gentle shake and say ' wake up Dirk I'm hungry, I want you to make me some soup ....... but nothing'” He laughs.
“Where did the old Dirk go to today, you've changed and it's nice?” Replies Shilpa before nodding off. “Ah a little of my real personality maybe sneaking out” Comes the reply. Jermaine smiles to himself…the tepid flirting is the only the keeping him going. Hell, it’s the only thing keeping me going.
Glad it’s nearly gone? Worried for Cleo’s mental health? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Wednesday 24 January 2007
CBB5: Day 22: 24th Jan 2007
I hope for rocket launching air craft: everyone else hopes for snow over Elstree. Ian and Jermaine are excited then immediately disappointed. The snow lands everywhere but the Big Brother garden. Shilpa, who has never seen snowfall, dives out of bed and bounces into the living room, shrieking. Ian wanders around with no top on, despite the sub zero temperatures, giving Cleo an unwelcome eyeful of his painfully erect nipples. Shilpa gets a ball of snow and runs into the bedroom showing it to her dozing colleagues as though it is a shiny diamond.
Jo is - shock horror surprise - grumpy from the moment she wakes. She complains that Shilpa is excited. She complains that it’s not snow it is in fact “ice” (what the hell do you think snow is, Jo love? Frozen water = ice – its not difficult, is it?). “I was in the middle of a great dream…” she whines. Let me guess…did it involve fags, laying on your back and a stinking dressing gown? I had a dream too once Jo, it involved you being evicted to massive boos, total vilification and a throng of angry egg pelters.
Cleo joins Prostrate Jo to bitch about Dirk’s alleged lies. How a ‘comedian’ like Cleo cannot tell a lie from a sarcastic statement is beyond me. Shilpa wears an ill-advised low cut top. Jack’s eyes fall out of his head. He quickly retrieves them before they drop out again when a scantily clad Danielle hoes into view. Cleo re-dyes her hair and tongs it into electric shock style. She looks like Ziggy Stardust - as he is now. Dead. “Are you going to shower...again?” Jo moans at Dirk. “I think there might be a surprise eviction with my name on it. They can say: he came in clean and he went out clean... though he was filthy in between” Dirk replies – to nobody’s amusement.
Dirk goes for a lie down and Dani cracks open the wine, at 2.30pm. I can’t say I blame either of them. Cleo wants to get evil again – now she knows how good she is at it she won’t let it go. She and Jack the Plank plan to but sugar in Dirk’s soy sauce, knowing he can’t eat sugar. Honestly…can it get pettier? I’m actually longing for the days of Sezer and Shabaz now – that’s how bad it is getting. Worn out by her machinations, Jo goes for a sleep – in the same room as Dirk! How does she cope!
Another task is set. Ice cubes are stacked in the garden. Inside each ice cube is a token and each housemate has to lick the ice cubes until they reach the token. Cue Jo whining, Shilpa squealing and Dani complaining. Dirk prefers it the assault course. Everyone gets a pseudo-ski suit to wear, which is lucky as the ice cubes are the size of breezeblocks. They all begin to suck on the cubes and I’m suddenly overtaken by a desperate need to vomit. Shilpa finishes in record time. I don’t know what that says about her sucking abilities, but it sure isn’t a good thing. Jermaine quickly follows. Dani and Jo aren’t happy (Really? Never!) because they can’t get their tokens out without touching the ice.
Shilpa tries to encourage Dirk but it told off by Big Brother. Jack unwittingly releases a barrage of filthy double entendres to Dani as she struggles on – Jack watches her sucking abilities with his eyes on stalks once more - there's hope in them eyes, I tells ya! Everyone retrieves their tokens and Big Brother announces yet another party to follow. Gawd help us, I’m not sure I can bear either the tedium or the spine shivers I get from Cleo’s cold dead eyes as she plots more nastiness against Dirk.
Jo, seemingly psychic in between complaining, claims that the public “hate” her and she’ll be evicted next. All housemates wait for the nomination results and Jo is proven right. She, Cleo, Dirk, Shilpa and Ian all face a double eviction on Friday. Ian and Shilpa look gutted. Ian’s done nothing to be ashamed of and Shilpa thinks she’s suffered enough already. Jo and Dirk couldn’t give a toss. Cleo’s expression is as fixed as usual…must be the botox.
The party is a ski style do with ice sculptures and manky food. Shilpa and Ian bond. I know Ian is gay and everything but he too seems to have fallen under the Shetty Spell. She’s like a siren that woman…even Jack Sprat can’t take his eyes off her and he “hates” her remember? Dirk has a moment of irrationality and announces he thinks that Jack can win! Coming to his senses, Dirk goes to bed early, Cleo’s steely gaze following him every step of the way
Not long after, everyone bar Ian heads to bed too. Ian sits in the lounges looking at his Steps photos, hugging his knees and weeping. I know how you feel Ian. I found a picture of me on the beach at Bridlington the other day that made me heave! My thighs! My thighs!
Is it boring or is it me? Travesty that the ‘racists’ get to the final? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Jo is - shock horror surprise - grumpy from the moment she wakes. She complains that Shilpa is excited. She complains that it’s not snow it is in fact “ice” (what the hell do you think snow is, Jo love? Frozen water = ice – its not difficult, is it?). “I was in the middle of a great dream…” she whines. Let me guess…did it involve fags, laying on your back and a stinking dressing gown? I had a dream too once Jo, it involved you being evicted to massive boos, total vilification and a throng of angry egg pelters.
Cleo joins Prostrate Jo to bitch about Dirk’s alleged lies. How a ‘comedian’ like Cleo cannot tell a lie from a sarcastic statement is beyond me. Shilpa wears an ill-advised low cut top. Jack’s eyes fall out of his head. He quickly retrieves them before they drop out again when a scantily clad Danielle hoes into view. Cleo re-dyes her hair and tongs it into electric shock style. She looks like Ziggy Stardust - as he is now. Dead. “Are you going to shower...again?” Jo moans at Dirk. “I think there might be a surprise eviction with my name on it. They can say: he came in clean and he went out clean... though he was filthy in between” Dirk replies – to nobody’s amusement.
Dirk goes for a lie down and Dani cracks open the wine, at 2.30pm. I can’t say I blame either of them. Cleo wants to get evil again – now she knows how good she is at it she won’t let it go. She and Jack the Plank plan to but sugar in Dirk’s soy sauce, knowing he can’t eat sugar. Honestly…can it get pettier? I’m actually longing for the days of Sezer and Shabaz now – that’s how bad it is getting. Worn out by her machinations, Jo goes for a sleep – in the same room as Dirk! How does she cope!
Another task is set. Ice cubes are stacked in the garden. Inside each ice cube is a token and each housemate has to lick the ice cubes until they reach the token. Cue Jo whining, Shilpa squealing and Dani complaining. Dirk prefers it the assault course. Everyone gets a pseudo-ski suit to wear, which is lucky as the ice cubes are the size of breezeblocks. They all begin to suck on the cubes and I’m suddenly overtaken by a desperate need to vomit. Shilpa finishes in record time. I don’t know what that says about her sucking abilities, but it sure isn’t a good thing. Jermaine quickly follows. Dani and Jo aren’t happy (Really? Never!) because they can’t get their tokens out without touching the ice.
Shilpa tries to encourage Dirk but it told off by Big Brother. Jack unwittingly releases a barrage of filthy double entendres to Dani as she struggles on – Jack watches her sucking abilities with his eyes on stalks once more - there's hope in them eyes, I tells ya! Everyone retrieves their tokens and Big Brother announces yet another party to follow. Gawd help us, I’m not sure I can bear either the tedium or the spine shivers I get from Cleo’s cold dead eyes as she plots more nastiness against Dirk.
Jo, seemingly psychic in between complaining, claims that the public “hate” her and she’ll be evicted next. All housemates wait for the nomination results and Jo is proven right. She, Cleo, Dirk, Shilpa and Ian all face a double eviction on Friday. Ian and Shilpa look gutted. Ian’s done nothing to be ashamed of and Shilpa thinks she’s suffered enough already. Jo and Dirk couldn’t give a toss. Cleo’s expression is as fixed as usual…must be the botox.
The party is a ski style do with ice sculptures and manky food. Shilpa and Ian bond. I know Ian is gay and everything but he too seems to have fallen under the Shetty Spell. She’s like a siren that woman…even Jack Sprat can’t take his eyes off her and he “hates” her remember? Dirk has a moment of irrationality and announces he thinks that Jack can win! Coming to his senses, Dirk goes to bed early, Cleo’s steely gaze following him every step of the way
Not long after, everyone bar Ian heads to bed too. Ian sits in the lounges looking at his Steps photos, hugging his knees and weeping. I know how you feel Ian. I found a picture of me on the beach at Bridlington the other day that made me heave! My thighs! My thighs!
Is it boring or is it me? Travesty that the ‘racists’ get to the final? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Tuesday 23 January 2007
CBB5: Day 21: 23rd Jan 2007
Jermaine awakes early and proceeds to snip the tops of his hair so he has a perfectly straight, square head. Cleo, the opposite, stumbles out of bed like a sad lion that has lost her prey. She looks forlornly at Ian and Shilpa who seem to have formed such a sweet bond. Cleo tries to enter the conversation but becomes simply embarrassing again. Ian does a humorous audition to get a part in Shilpa’s next Bollywood film. The rest of housemates wake up to the sounds of a crane moving and someone on the roof? Is Donny back? No, just some lacklustre Channel 4 employee trying to inject some excitement.
Dirk bemoans the domination of femininity on TV. I think Dirk is feeling emasculated – not really surprising after Cleo’s attentions - anyone's would retract. The housemates sit down to do the shopping list – when I say housemates, I mean Shilpa who cannot resist taking the lead and quickly scribbling down her need for OXO cubes. Ian wrestles some control back and they deliver the list to the diary room. Cleo watches Dirk exercise outside before making more sly digs at him to a disinterested Jermaine.
Shilpa and Cleo make chips. Danielle is shocked that potatoes are vegetables. Jo lies on her back – for a change. Finally there is a call for nominations. After the relatively predictable nominations, Shilpa finishes the evening meal to which everyone sits and eats, making ‘mmmm’ sounds. Funny, I thought they didn’t like her cooking – what with her using her fingers an all.
The evening comes and Big Brother decides to be nice the housemates, offering them £10 each as long as they can find something treat worthy for that value. Dirk wants whisky. Jo wants hair dye…it’ll take more than that Jo my love. Shilpa wants caviar. Ian gets excited. “We can get face masks” he exclaims. “You really are gay, aren’t you?” Dirk laughs. Jermaine munches on popcorn and tells all who will listen about his antique furniture. Sadly for Jermaine, only Dirk and Shilpa will listen. Dirk is fed up. “It’s tedious,” he complains. Tell me about it, Dirk.
Ian joins Dirk and Shilpa outside as an unfortunate Jermaine is collared by Danielle in the bedroom. Dirk is on hilarious form as usual (not that the editors of the highlights programme want anyone to see this). “I have a cardinal rule...never, ever, ever, have a romance with someone you work with.” He says to Ian. “Did you stick to it?” Ian wonders. Dirk nods. Shilpa jumps in, “If I was working with you, would you be able to stick to your rule?” “Absolutely NOT!!” Dirk laughs.
Jo, taking a well-earned break from moaning and smoking, peels her crusty bathrobed arse from the sofa and joins Dirk discussing the initially rumoured potential housemates. Boris Johnson crops up, and Jo – quelle surprise – has never heard of him because she “dunt do nah politiks an awl ‘at malarkey!”
“I've heard him speak, he very funny and very droll.” Dirk says. Jo doesn’t know what droll means. “A dry sense of humour” Dirk assures her. “Oh like me?” Jo exclaims. “No the exact opposite, not at all like you.” Says Dirk…the beautiful irony of the entire exchange completely missed by everyone but me.
Not content with mocking the lesser mortals Dirk moves on to Jermaine. “I hope my life is still there when I get out. You hope your wife is still there when you get out...” He laughs. Luckily, a bright and shiny toothy grin breaks out on Jermaine’s face.
Another task is set…contestants have to answer questions about one another so that they can win the chosen treats that housemates selected. Oh dear, this is going to show who does the talking and who does the listening…fireworks? Again?
They are locked in the bedroom. To entertain people, Shilpa decides to read their palms. Jack is first but he quickly leaves with a look of horror. Be afraid Jack. You’ve seen your future and it aint pretty. Shackled to a Goody and sprogs with considerably less cash. Heck!
When they are finally let out of the bedroom, a Mastermind chair is set up in the living room. Cleo goes first and answers questions on Ian and gets three right. Well, Ian is lovely but he’s not exactly fascinating so it’s a wonder she got three right. Dirk has to answer questions on Jo. That should be easy. There can only be questions on soap dodging, whining and smoking surely? What else is there on Jo? Yes or no – does Jo stink of dog? With a sense of inevitability, Dirk fails when asked who Jo's role model is. “Linda Blair?” He answers, referring of course to the head-spinning, projectile vomiting monster in The Exorcist. Thankfully it goes over everyone’s heads.
Danielle has to answer her questions on Jack. Well now, can’t be too hard. How long does Jack’s ‘excitement’ last? What is Jack’s other job apart from gold-digger? How many times has Jack uttered the word w*nker in relation to other housemates? Whatever the Jack questions are I’m not sure because my brain cannot be prevented from switching off until I’m awoken by the squeals of a spluttering Dani as she returns to her friends.
Poor Jermaine has the unenviable task of answering questions about Danielle. Jermaine has spoken to the girl, to be fair, the trouble is he only understood 25% of anything she said – like the rest of us. The inevitable questions about Liverpool emerge. He’s very calm and wise as usual. Sadly, this means Dani gets her treat of vodka. Please, no! More of the drunken, vulgar, foul-mouthed and nasty Danielle? I don’t think my stomach can bear it.
Jack has to answer questions on Shilpa. He forgets that her name is actually “c*nt” and calls her “sexy”. Somewhere nearby I can hear another window smashing at Jade Goody Towers, as she flings her TV through any of the remaining glass that the “vandals” left. Scarily, Jack knows Shilpa’s birthday, and of her karate abilities. Hmmm, does Jack have a secret crush? You always hurt the one you love.
Jo has to answer her questions on Cleo. Considering Jo has spent most of her bitching time giggling with Cleo like a pair or psychotic hedgehogs, she does very well and wins Cleo her hair dye. Finally, Shilpa takes to the chair and has to answer questions of Jermaine. She’s as attached to Jermaine as Jo is to Cleo, and Jermaine really wants his £10 shoes – though how she is supposed to know his inside leg measurement is worrying. Jermaine is delighted when Shilpa passes. £10 shoes Jermaine? Come on! You’re a Jackson!!
Jo, Shilpa, Jermaine and Dani pass so their subjects get their treats. Jack, Ian, Dirk and Cleo fail…now we know who doesn’t listen when people talk. At least Dirk has the excuse of being deaf and Jack the excuse of being thick. With a sense of repetitiveness, Dirk and Jermaine, the elder statesmen of the house – go to bed as the rabble rousers continue their fractured jollity into the night, stopping only to bitch about Dirk. Who else?
Think Cleo is of sound mind and character? Want a pair of Jermaine's £10 shoes? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Dirk bemoans the domination of femininity on TV. I think Dirk is feeling emasculated – not really surprising after Cleo’s attentions - anyone's would retract. The housemates sit down to do the shopping list – when I say housemates, I mean Shilpa who cannot resist taking the lead and quickly scribbling down her need for OXO cubes. Ian wrestles some control back and they deliver the list to the diary room. Cleo watches Dirk exercise outside before making more sly digs at him to a disinterested Jermaine.
Shilpa and Cleo make chips. Danielle is shocked that potatoes are vegetables. Jo lies on her back – for a change. Finally there is a call for nominations. After the relatively predictable nominations, Shilpa finishes the evening meal to which everyone sits and eats, making ‘mmmm’ sounds. Funny, I thought they didn’t like her cooking – what with her using her fingers an all.
The evening comes and Big Brother decides to be nice the housemates, offering them £10 each as long as they can find something treat worthy for that value. Dirk wants whisky. Jo wants hair dye…it’ll take more than that Jo my love. Shilpa wants caviar. Ian gets excited. “We can get face masks” he exclaims. “You really are gay, aren’t you?” Dirk laughs. Jermaine munches on popcorn and tells all who will listen about his antique furniture. Sadly for Jermaine, only Dirk and Shilpa will listen. Dirk is fed up. “It’s tedious,” he complains. Tell me about it, Dirk.
Ian joins Dirk and Shilpa outside as an unfortunate Jermaine is collared by Danielle in the bedroom. Dirk is on hilarious form as usual (not that the editors of the highlights programme want anyone to see this). “I have a cardinal rule...never, ever, ever, have a romance with someone you work with.” He says to Ian. “Did you stick to it?” Ian wonders. Dirk nods. Shilpa jumps in, “If I was working with you, would you be able to stick to your rule?” “Absolutely NOT!!” Dirk laughs.
Jo, taking a well-earned break from moaning and smoking, peels her crusty bathrobed arse from the sofa and joins Dirk discussing the initially rumoured potential housemates. Boris Johnson crops up, and Jo – quelle surprise – has never heard of him because she “dunt do nah politiks an awl ‘at malarkey!”
“I've heard him speak, he very funny and very droll.” Dirk says. Jo doesn’t know what droll means. “A dry sense of humour” Dirk assures her. “Oh like me?” Jo exclaims. “No the exact opposite, not at all like you.” Says Dirk…the beautiful irony of the entire exchange completely missed by everyone but me.
Not content with mocking the lesser mortals Dirk moves on to Jermaine. “I hope my life is still there when I get out. You hope your wife is still there when you get out...” He laughs. Luckily, a bright and shiny toothy grin breaks out on Jermaine’s face.
Another task is set…contestants have to answer questions about one another so that they can win the chosen treats that housemates selected. Oh dear, this is going to show who does the talking and who does the listening…fireworks? Again?
They are locked in the bedroom. To entertain people, Shilpa decides to read their palms. Jack is first but he quickly leaves with a look of horror. Be afraid Jack. You’ve seen your future and it aint pretty. Shackled to a Goody and sprogs with considerably less cash. Heck!
When they are finally let out of the bedroom, a Mastermind chair is set up in the living room. Cleo goes first and answers questions on Ian and gets three right. Well, Ian is lovely but he’s not exactly fascinating so it’s a wonder she got three right. Dirk has to answer questions on Jo. That should be easy. There can only be questions on soap dodging, whining and smoking surely? What else is there on Jo? Yes or no – does Jo stink of dog? With a sense of inevitability, Dirk fails when asked who Jo's role model is. “Linda Blair?” He answers, referring of course to the head-spinning, projectile vomiting monster in The Exorcist. Thankfully it goes over everyone’s heads.
Danielle has to answer her questions on Jack. Well now, can’t be too hard. How long does Jack’s ‘excitement’ last? What is Jack’s other job apart from gold-digger? How many times has Jack uttered the word w*nker in relation to other housemates? Whatever the Jack questions are I’m not sure because my brain cannot be prevented from switching off until I’m awoken by the squeals of a spluttering Dani as she returns to her friends.
Poor Jermaine has the unenviable task of answering questions about Danielle. Jermaine has spoken to the girl, to be fair, the trouble is he only understood 25% of anything she said – like the rest of us. The inevitable questions about Liverpool emerge. He’s very calm and wise as usual. Sadly, this means Dani gets her treat of vodka. Please, no! More of the drunken, vulgar, foul-mouthed and nasty Danielle? I don’t think my stomach can bear it.
Jack has to answer questions on Shilpa. He forgets that her name is actually “c*nt” and calls her “sexy”. Somewhere nearby I can hear another window smashing at Jade Goody Towers, as she flings her TV through any of the remaining glass that the “vandals” left. Scarily, Jack knows Shilpa’s birthday, and of her karate abilities. Hmmm, does Jack have a secret crush? You always hurt the one you love.
Jo has to answer her questions on Cleo. Considering Jo has spent most of her bitching time giggling with Cleo like a pair or psychotic hedgehogs, she does very well and wins Cleo her hair dye. Finally, Shilpa takes to the chair and has to answer questions of Jermaine. She’s as attached to Jermaine as Jo is to Cleo, and Jermaine really wants his £10 shoes – though how she is supposed to know his inside leg measurement is worrying. Jermaine is delighted when Shilpa passes. £10 shoes Jermaine? Come on! You’re a Jackson!!
Jo, Shilpa, Jermaine and Dani pass so their subjects get their treats. Jack, Ian, Dirk and Cleo fail…now we know who doesn’t listen when people talk. At least Dirk has the excuse of being deaf and Jack the excuse of being thick. With a sense of repetitiveness, Dirk and Jermaine, the elder statesmen of the house – go to bed as the rabble rousers continue their fractured jollity into the night, stopping only to bitch about Dirk. Who else?
Think Cleo is of sound mind and character? Want a pair of Jermaine's £10 shoes? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Monday 22 January 2007
CBB5: Day 20: Jan 22nd 2007
Ian runs around the garden. Dirk is grumpy again in bed – which is hardly surprising after witnessing a jiggling Cleo back-combing her hair. It takes all of thirty seconds for Jo to complain. “I can’t function properly,” she whines. Well never mind that Jo, why don’t you treat yourself to a lie down and an hour-long bitch session? Oh, and a fag! Danielle and Dirk stay in bed – separately of course. For the first time in probably her entire life, Dani asks questions and listens to the answers. Dirk explains the intense cold in Montana and talks with some enthusiasm for the first time in days. Dani is almost concentrating.
Shilpa refuses to learn her lesson and decides she will make another curry – with the dreaded chicken! Danielle says she will help and pick the onions out of hers – not with your fingers surely Dani? We don’t know where they have been. You might make yourself sick. Jo finally manages to walk a metre before collapsing – exhausted – onto the sofa. “Something doesn’t feel right today.” She says. The better part of me would like to think this is Jo’s conscience catching up with her. The not-so-nice part of me realises Jo probably has no conscience.
Jermaine tells Ian, Shilpa and Jack a fascinating story of his career and its downfall. Much better than the endless burps, farts and bitching. If only Big Brother could have more than this. Round 9000 of Dirk baiting gets under way when Cleo manages to convince the girls that Dirk didn’t want to change his sheets this morning. How Jo can be shocked at this is anyone’s guess. Not only has she not washed since entering the house, I doubt she’s even changed her underwear since 2004. Only turps will prize Jo out of the bath robe.
Big Brother sets another pointless food task. The housemates have to be “Showgirls” and learn a choreographed routine before performing it that evening. Dirk looks up at the routine on the plasma, horrified. I can’t see much but it involves feathers and, unfortunately for Jo, movement. Everyone except Jermaine (who wisely prays instead) gets up to rehearse under the steely glares of Shilpa and Ian. Jo, Shilpa and Danielle protest about the costumes being too revealing. Good God, if Danielle thinks something is revealing then heaven help them.
Jo is annoyed that Shilpa is taking the lead and has to have another sit down so she can bitch about the actress and trained dancer (a trained dancer teaching dancing. How selfish and evil!). You know Jo, you could always lead. I’m sure Jo is actually waiting until there is a task where everyone has to look sour faced, perma-smoke and lay on their backs with a face like a bust sofa, then she’ll take the lead no probs! Jo sucks the life out of everything…I’ve never seen a more moany and negative housemate and I include Nikki in that!
The task gets underway. The girls have to wear feathery headdresses making them look, according to Danielle, like ‘squashed canaries.’ Dirk and Jermaine look like ring masters in some demented and downright disturbing circus. Which of the others is the circus elephant? Jack? Well, elephant turd perhaps. Dirk and Jack fail twice but since this is only 4 fails in total Big Brother determines they pass – though I’m sure the coven can find a way to make it entirely Dirk’s fault and conveniently forget Jack is there (although…haven’t we all?).
Another predictable party follows with more food and booze. Dirk, now browbeaten into the role of grumpy old man can no longer stand the jibes and sneers from “bitter human vulture” Jo (phrase stolen from one of BB’s own ‘psychologist’). He retires to bed. The rest stay up ‘partying’ until the incredibly dangerous and exotic time of 11.30pm! Heck, I’d be worn out if I had to keep hours that long and wild! Thankfully, once they’ve all gone to bed, I can turn the tripe off.
Getting as grumpy as Dirk? Find Jo scintillating and inspiring? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Shilpa refuses to learn her lesson and decides she will make another curry – with the dreaded chicken! Danielle says she will help and pick the onions out of hers – not with your fingers surely Dani? We don’t know where they have been. You might make yourself sick. Jo finally manages to walk a metre before collapsing – exhausted – onto the sofa. “Something doesn’t feel right today.” She says. The better part of me would like to think this is Jo’s conscience catching up with her. The not-so-nice part of me realises Jo probably has no conscience.
Jermaine tells Ian, Shilpa and Jack a fascinating story of his career and its downfall. Much better than the endless burps, farts and bitching. If only Big Brother could have more than this. Round 9000 of Dirk baiting gets under way when Cleo manages to convince the girls that Dirk didn’t want to change his sheets this morning. How Jo can be shocked at this is anyone’s guess. Not only has she not washed since entering the house, I doubt she’s even changed her underwear since 2004. Only turps will prize Jo out of the bath robe.
Big Brother sets another pointless food task. The housemates have to be “Showgirls” and learn a choreographed routine before performing it that evening. Dirk looks up at the routine on the plasma, horrified. I can’t see much but it involves feathers and, unfortunately for Jo, movement. Everyone except Jermaine (who wisely prays instead) gets up to rehearse under the steely glares of Shilpa and Ian. Jo, Shilpa and Danielle protest about the costumes being too revealing. Good God, if Danielle thinks something is revealing then heaven help them.
Jo is annoyed that Shilpa is taking the lead and has to have another sit down so she can bitch about the actress and trained dancer (a trained dancer teaching dancing. How selfish and evil!). You know Jo, you could always lead. I’m sure Jo is actually waiting until there is a task where everyone has to look sour faced, perma-smoke and lay on their backs with a face like a bust sofa, then she’ll take the lead no probs! Jo sucks the life out of everything…I’ve never seen a more moany and negative housemate and I include Nikki in that!
The task gets underway. The girls have to wear feathery headdresses making them look, according to Danielle, like ‘squashed canaries.’ Dirk and Jermaine look like ring masters in some demented and downright disturbing circus. Which of the others is the circus elephant? Jack? Well, elephant turd perhaps. Dirk and Jack fail twice but since this is only 4 fails in total Big Brother determines they pass – though I’m sure the coven can find a way to make it entirely Dirk’s fault and conveniently forget Jack is there (although…haven’t we all?).
Another predictable party follows with more food and booze. Dirk, now browbeaten into the role of grumpy old man can no longer stand the jibes and sneers from “bitter human vulture” Jo (phrase stolen from one of BB’s own ‘psychologist’). He retires to bed. The rest stay up ‘partying’ until the incredibly dangerous and exotic time of 11.30pm! Heck, I’d be worn out if I had to keep hours that long and wild! Thankfully, once they’ve all gone to bed, I can turn the tripe off.
Getting as grumpy as Dirk? Find Jo scintillating and inspiring? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Sunday 21 January 2007
CBB5: Day 19: 21st Jan 2007
The housemates awake, tentatively. The alarm in “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” which I desperately hope is a clue. Cleo pretends she was as annoyed by the rabble-rousing youngsters as Dirk was before she gleefully grins to her cronies, “Dirk will be so annoyed today.” Suffering an attack of conscience or desperate attempt to fly under the radar of irritating muppets, Cleo un-hides Dirk’s soy sauce – the same sauce she encourages Jack Brain Box to squirrel away. Jack and Ian go outside. “I used to run for Essex” Jack claims. What? Do you mean you used to run away from the Essex Constabulary? Jo moans – again. Jo O’Meara’s mouth exists for only two reasons, one to spout foul-mouthed depressive crap and the other to have a permanent fag stuck in it. “I’m going back to bed,” she whines. “I need five minutes.” Jo, my love, you need half a tonne of Prozac, some serious counselling and a good slap.
As though they have heard my anxious pleas, Big Brother decides a humour task is needed. Housemates have to make Big Brother laugh by using a box of props decided by the powers that be. Cleo is in her element. Once she has a wig she has to remain in annoying character for the rest of the day. Ian echoes the sentiments of everyone, “I’m bored,” he says. “I wanted a real task.” Danielle is called to the diary room. She returns after five minutes to state that she failed to make Big Brother laugh. No shit!
Jo, by some unfathomable feat, claims to have made Big Brother laugh. I’m sure you did Jo. Big Brother was laughing because you were actually upright for the first time in 19 days. Somehow Dirk fails to make BB laugh…funny really considering he is the only housemate to make me laugh all series. Jermaine passed his task. Now I like Jermaine, he seems so calm, level headed and decent, but he isn’t funny. I cannot wait to see what he did to make Big Brother laugh. Cleo, a woman who seems to believe inherently that she is funny, fails the task – as does Jack, naturally
Shilpa gives the coven of bullies some chocolate so, rather than being grateful, they blame her for not giving them any sooner. Jo, who rapidly resembles Waynetta Slob, and Cleo the Clown wait until Shilpa has gone to the bedroom so they can slag Dirk off again. I honestly do not know what these women do with themselves when they have no one to hate. Dirk is amusing himself in the bedroom with Jermaine and Shilpa, overjoyed that Big Brother didn’t find Cleo funny. “She hasn’t a funny bone in her body. And it’s her job to be funny!” He laughs.
Although not everyone was funny, Big Brother gives the housemates a party anyway – a sign of desperation if ever there was one. Everyone has to sit in the living room and watch on the large screen each other’s attempts to make Big Brother laugh. Ian cringes but his isn’t the worst of it. Cleo’s embarrassing attempt is broadcast next, clearly another dig at Dirk – but no one laughs and it seems as if something has dawned on Cleo – yes, Cleo you are not funny. Hanging around a funny man from the 1980s doesn’t mean you are funny. She rushes off to the bedroom when Shilpa’s genuinely funny clip is shown and everyone – even the bitches, laugh.
Later, when the grownups go to bed, Jack enthrals all with tales of the exams he has to take to be a football agent. When I say enthrals I am, of course, lying. Cleo utters more tripe about what a wonderful and talented person Jack must be and how he’ll walk the exams. I’m sure he will Cleo provided you get 75% for answering your own name, and even then I think he’s in trouble. Jack sighs. “I’m worried about the talking to Davina bit.” He says. I can see why – talking isn’t Jack’s strong point unless he’s going to call Davina a c*nt and a w*nker.
Everyone bar Ian goes to bed. Jo is suddenly worried. “I don’t want to be a big star,” she says. “I just want a career.” In a bizarre moment of irony, Shilpa reassures her “You’ve done nothing wrong. Your behaviour in here will be reflected outside.” No kidding Shilpa dear. Jo’s behaviour, to you especially, is exactly what she does need to worry about.
Hanging on for dear life? Ready to give in and read a book instead? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
As though they have heard my anxious pleas, Big Brother decides a humour task is needed. Housemates have to make Big Brother laugh by using a box of props decided by the powers that be. Cleo is in her element. Once she has a wig she has to remain in annoying character for the rest of the day. Ian echoes the sentiments of everyone, “I’m bored,” he says. “I wanted a real task.” Danielle is called to the diary room. She returns after five minutes to state that she failed to make Big Brother laugh. No shit!
Jo, by some unfathomable feat, claims to have made Big Brother laugh. I’m sure you did Jo. Big Brother was laughing because you were actually upright for the first time in 19 days. Somehow Dirk fails to make BB laugh…funny really considering he is the only housemate to make me laugh all series. Jermaine passed his task. Now I like Jermaine, he seems so calm, level headed and decent, but he isn’t funny. I cannot wait to see what he did to make Big Brother laugh. Cleo, a woman who seems to believe inherently that she is funny, fails the task – as does Jack, naturally
Shilpa gives the coven of bullies some chocolate so, rather than being grateful, they blame her for not giving them any sooner. Jo, who rapidly resembles Waynetta Slob, and Cleo the Clown wait until Shilpa has gone to the bedroom so they can slag Dirk off again. I honestly do not know what these women do with themselves when they have no one to hate. Dirk is amusing himself in the bedroom with Jermaine and Shilpa, overjoyed that Big Brother didn’t find Cleo funny. “She hasn’t a funny bone in her body. And it’s her job to be funny!” He laughs.
Although not everyone was funny, Big Brother gives the housemates a party anyway – a sign of desperation if ever there was one. Everyone has to sit in the living room and watch on the large screen each other’s attempts to make Big Brother laugh. Ian cringes but his isn’t the worst of it. Cleo’s embarrassing attempt is broadcast next, clearly another dig at Dirk – but no one laughs and it seems as if something has dawned on Cleo – yes, Cleo you are not funny. Hanging around a funny man from the 1980s doesn’t mean you are funny. She rushes off to the bedroom when Shilpa’s genuinely funny clip is shown and everyone – even the bitches, laugh.
Later, when the grownups go to bed, Jack enthrals all with tales of the exams he has to take to be a football agent. When I say enthrals I am, of course, lying. Cleo utters more tripe about what a wonderful and talented person Jack must be and how he’ll walk the exams. I’m sure he will Cleo provided you get 75% for answering your own name, and even then I think he’s in trouble. Jack sighs. “I’m worried about the talking to Davina bit.” He says. I can see why – talking isn’t Jack’s strong point unless he’s going to call Davina a c*nt and a w*nker.
Everyone bar Ian goes to bed. Jo is suddenly worried. “I don’t want to be a big star,” she says. “I just want a career.” In a bizarre moment of irony, Shilpa reassures her “You’ve done nothing wrong. Your behaviour in here will be reflected outside.” No kidding Shilpa dear. Jo’s behaviour, to you especially, is exactly what she does need to worry about.
Hanging on for dear life? Ready to give in and read a book instead? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Saturday 20 January 2007
CBB5: Day 18: 20th Jan 2007
Dirk gets a shower. Jo is shocked that he has used soap. I doubt Jo has ever had a shower, let alone seen soap. “Let me smell you,” Shilpa says to Dirk. Seeing his perfect opportunity, Dirk goes in for the kill and pulls Shilpa into a cuddle. Cleo, desperate for some Dirk action (aren’t we all?) suddenly decides to squeal loudly and pretend to be superman, but Dirk only has eyes for one and it aint Cleo. Sensing that Shilpa may be off limits, Jo, Danielle and Cleo realise that, as an outlet for their insensible rage, Dirk is next.
Dani laughs pathetically but Dirk isn’t fooled. “No,” he says. “Real laughing.” Dani is too stupid to understand. Dirk has had everyone sussed since day one. Dani wants to put his hair in bunches using bobbles but this is like a foreign language to Dirk – what are bunches and what are bobbles? In fact, what the hell is Danielle?
Jermaine is glad that Jade has gone as he too has seen her malign influence. “People out there are good.” He says as though his faith in humanity has been restored. Shilpa feels uncomfortable that she survived over Jade. “She told me she had a huge fan base.” She says incredulously. Well Shilpa, I doubt she ever did – another media myth – Propaganda Department care of J. Noel Management.
Cleo dresses up as her alter ego Tiara and drapes herself over Dirk. Everyone laughs but Dirk is not impressed and tells her to leave him alone. Shilpa takes her to one side but Cleo isn’t happy. “He can dish it out but he cannot take it.” She moans. Funny, Cleo I don’t recall Dirk wearing a red wig and throwing himself on a disinterested party. Ian and Jermaine, both very wise men, refer to the coven as a “clique” and Ian is especially upset that the group are still unable to get on.
Things turn nasty again. Jo spits more bile about Dirk smoking in the house – what? I’ve never seen her without a fag – even when she’s suffering an oh-so-convenient ‘panic attack’. Jack reckons he’ll snatch Dirk’s cigar and flush it down the toilet. You wouldn’t dare – maggot boy! Dirk sits outside alone looking glum. Shilpa joins him. “I told Cleo to stop,” he says. “She crossed the line. The bigger the front the bigger the back – she is the opposite of what she pretends to be.” Dirk is very wise. The house is simply a poisonous place with its poisonous inmates - Jack, Jo, Danielle and now Cleo.
Jermaine thinks it would be best to dispense more of his sage like wisdom and tell the girls to leave Dirk alone. I sense this won’t work Jermaine, not if you are banking on them having any respect, decency, humour, grace or morality. The bitching is relentless. Dirk goes to Diary Room for hours. Cleo and Jo are delighted that he may leave. Shilpa tries to defend him. “He’s missing his kids. He’s been through a lot. His cancer…”
“So what?” Jo snaps. She just gets better doesn’t she? Charming individual. Everyone should have a Jo – makes you feel instantly better about yourself. You might be a miser with a crap job, fat arse and drink problem but at least you aren’t a bitter and twisted young woman with a massive face, wrinkled brow, hygiene problem and severe depression.
Big Brother sees that the housemates (and the viewers) are bored and provides a table football. Hell fire, will the entertainment never end? Dirk goes to bed. Shilpa wishes him goodnight in an attempt to flirt but he’s not in the mood. Something must be wrong if he can’t even manage a flirt.
The grown ups go to bed and Cleo; rapidly turning into the new leader of the ‘pack’ decides to put in yet another plan of action to wind up Dirk. “Let’s hide ‘is ‘wassaname” Jack enthuses. Excuse me, say what? They decide that everything Dirk likes they’ll hide. Cleo’s hell bent on waking him and, true to form, with her drunken minions in tow a play fight breaks out in the bedroom, waking a cranky Dirk. Danielle and Jack get close – oh dear Jade and Teddy, hope you are watching. Jack’s hands get busy with himself…again! Jo grins, well I think it’s a grin but its hard to tell when the subject looks like a bulldog licking a thistle.
Danielle takes her lip liner into the loo and scrawls something on the door that Cleo and Jo laugh at. Hmmm, I wonder what? A swastika? A comedy penis? A “nominate Dirk” signal? This is literally eyeball bleeding, rib cracking, head spinningly bad. Channel 4 has been so terrified (or cunning) to act that they don’t know what they are doing. Hey, Endemol, heads up! I’ll give you this one for free…put everyone up for eviction – scrap pointless and influenced nominations and lets have a double kick out on Wednesday so any of the Jo/Jack/Cleo/Danielle gang can go…either that or, when another helicopter flies over the house, please ensure it is a Chanook with many, many missiles.
Want the see the housemates bombed? Does solvent abuse suddenly seem tempting? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Dani laughs pathetically but Dirk isn’t fooled. “No,” he says. “Real laughing.” Dani is too stupid to understand. Dirk has had everyone sussed since day one. Dani wants to put his hair in bunches using bobbles but this is like a foreign language to Dirk – what are bunches and what are bobbles? In fact, what the hell is Danielle?
Jermaine is glad that Jade has gone as he too has seen her malign influence. “People out there are good.” He says as though his faith in humanity has been restored. Shilpa feels uncomfortable that she survived over Jade. “She told me she had a huge fan base.” She says incredulously. Well Shilpa, I doubt she ever did – another media myth – Propaganda Department care of J. Noel Management.
Cleo dresses up as her alter ego Tiara and drapes herself over Dirk. Everyone laughs but Dirk is not impressed and tells her to leave him alone. Shilpa takes her to one side but Cleo isn’t happy. “He can dish it out but he cannot take it.” She moans. Funny, Cleo I don’t recall Dirk wearing a red wig and throwing himself on a disinterested party. Ian and Jermaine, both very wise men, refer to the coven as a “clique” and Ian is especially upset that the group are still unable to get on.
Things turn nasty again. Jo spits more bile about Dirk smoking in the house – what? I’ve never seen her without a fag – even when she’s suffering an oh-so-convenient ‘panic attack’. Jack reckons he’ll snatch Dirk’s cigar and flush it down the toilet. You wouldn’t dare – maggot boy! Dirk sits outside alone looking glum. Shilpa joins him. “I told Cleo to stop,” he says. “She crossed the line. The bigger the front the bigger the back – she is the opposite of what she pretends to be.” Dirk is very wise. The house is simply a poisonous place with its poisonous inmates - Jack, Jo, Danielle and now Cleo.
Jermaine thinks it would be best to dispense more of his sage like wisdom and tell the girls to leave Dirk alone. I sense this won’t work Jermaine, not if you are banking on them having any respect, decency, humour, grace or morality. The bitching is relentless. Dirk goes to Diary Room for hours. Cleo and Jo are delighted that he may leave. Shilpa tries to defend him. “He’s missing his kids. He’s been through a lot. His cancer…”
“So what?” Jo snaps. She just gets better doesn’t she? Charming individual. Everyone should have a Jo – makes you feel instantly better about yourself. You might be a miser with a crap job, fat arse and drink problem but at least you aren’t a bitter and twisted young woman with a massive face, wrinkled brow, hygiene problem and severe depression.
Big Brother sees that the housemates (and the viewers) are bored and provides a table football. Hell fire, will the entertainment never end? Dirk goes to bed. Shilpa wishes him goodnight in an attempt to flirt but he’s not in the mood. Something must be wrong if he can’t even manage a flirt.
The grown ups go to bed and Cleo; rapidly turning into the new leader of the ‘pack’ decides to put in yet another plan of action to wind up Dirk. “Let’s hide ‘is ‘wassaname” Jack enthuses. Excuse me, say what? They decide that everything Dirk likes they’ll hide. Cleo’s hell bent on waking him and, true to form, with her drunken minions in tow a play fight breaks out in the bedroom, waking a cranky Dirk. Danielle and Jack get close – oh dear Jade and Teddy, hope you are watching. Jack’s hands get busy with himself…again! Jo grins, well I think it’s a grin but its hard to tell when the subject looks like a bulldog licking a thistle.
Danielle takes her lip liner into the loo and scrawls something on the door that Cleo and Jo laugh at. Hmmm, I wonder what? A swastika? A comedy penis? A “nominate Dirk” signal? This is literally eyeball bleeding, rib cracking, head spinningly bad. Channel 4 has been so terrified (or cunning) to act that they don’t know what they are doing. Hey, Endemol, heads up! I’ll give you this one for free…put everyone up for eviction – scrap pointless and influenced nominations and lets have a double kick out on Wednesday so any of the Jo/Jack/Cleo/Danielle gang can go…either that or, when another helicopter flies over the house, please ensure it is a Chanook with many, many missiles.
Want the see the housemates bombed? Does solvent abuse suddenly seem tempting? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Friday 19 January 2007
CBB5: Day 17: 19th Jan 2007
The housemates awake to music. Dirk and Cleo dance like embarrassing parents at a wedding. The false friendships (due to Diary Room coaching) continue. Jade and Shilpa hug again weakly. Danielle pretends she’s an innocent victim led astray. Dirk and Shilpa continue to flirt – everything has the whiff of false jollity to it. Dirk tells a joke about sharing his name with the Pope but the housemates don’t get it. Wasted. Absolutely wasted he is. Jade continues to live in her world of delusion and pontificates to loathsome Jo that the ex-S Clubber will have so many offers and no matter what has been said “there is an excuse for it.” Nice. “You’ll have to use your fame while you can.” She tells Jo. Hmmm. I’m sure Jo would make a lovely poster girl for the BNP. Fame, at any price!
It is a very tense day. Jade and Shilpa are told that they are up for eviction. Neither is remotely surprised and there is more faux hugging. Shilpa starts to pack. “Don’t pack,” Dirk says, his face worried at the prospect of losing his crush. “The public are voting. You don’t need to pack.” God bless Dirk. Jack walks around with a face like a bust clog. Why is he there? What is his purpose apart from to give me indigestion?
They are given a task – performing music with no instruments. The men have to wear bow ties and Jack looks like a creepy version of Pee-Wee Herman. Ian looks lost and afraid. The task is, let’s be honest, bloody awful. Big Brother’s hilarious joke about “bringing harmony” shows exactly what it wasn’t supposed to – there is no harmony in that house and never will be.
Finally the eviction comes. Shock horror! (Ahem) Jade is booted with 82% of the vote. No crowd, no noise “for her own safety.” Davina looks stern. The big question: will Davina bottle the interview? After all she has the same agent as Jade and is notoriously lenient on the nasty housemates (Lesley? Grace?). With the entire world’s press watching her, Davina did a surprisingly good job. Showed the reaction, mentioned racism, made Jade answer the questions.
Jade, as ever is unrepentant. She doesn’t look ashamed, she doesn’t seem to care. She utters platitudes about being ‘sorry’ and ‘ashamed’ but its all balls! The supposedly ‘live’ interview has a poorly edited cut in it – Jade wasn’t interviewed live at all! Don't lie again Channel 4. She’d been out for an hour already and – methinks – locked away with her PR girl and agent, she’s perfectly primed and ready for anything.
True enough, as soon as the interview is over there are a million stories flying around – Jade sells story for £500k to News of the World – proceeds to charity! Jade’s mum is really a Muslim? (Yeah, a pork eating beer drinking breast flashing one at that!) Jade fears for life! Jade is being manipulated really!
Oh please. If this whole furore has proved anything it is that no one person is ever bigger than the show that made them. But more than that, it proves that a channel should never underestimate its viewer and that ultimately, the viewer decides what the viewer thinks is acceptable. If Jade Goody inc. still exists after this in the same grubby way it did after her last bout of bullying five years ago, society is in the doldrums.
Do me a favour Davina? Give Jo Clinical Depressive and Danielle Dimwit the same harsh treatment since…in many ways, they are worse than Jade because they have also been fed the same spin, Jade is Great – only they are so thick they actually believed it and thought it would help them.
The evening ends with more of Jo’s depression and her desperate need to hide Shilpa’s knickers in Dirk’s bed – she’d do it too if she wasn’t too lazy and unwashed to get off her backside. (Has anyone seen her vertical yet?) Danielle has a deluded moment, again. “I’m not a bitch.” She says. Oh, go away you moron; you are making my brain bleed.
Feel like you need a wash? Rushing out to buy Jade's perfume? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
It is a very tense day. Jade and Shilpa are told that they are up for eviction. Neither is remotely surprised and there is more faux hugging. Shilpa starts to pack. “Don’t pack,” Dirk says, his face worried at the prospect of losing his crush. “The public are voting. You don’t need to pack.” God bless Dirk. Jack walks around with a face like a bust clog. Why is he there? What is his purpose apart from to give me indigestion?
They are given a task – performing music with no instruments. The men have to wear bow ties and Jack looks like a creepy version of Pee-Wee Herman. Ian looks lost and afraid. The task is, let’s be honest, bloody awful. Big Brother’s hilarious joke about “bringing harmony” shows exactly what it wasn’t supposed to – there is no harmony in that house and never will be.
Finally the eviction comes. Shock horror! (Ahem) Jade is booted with 82% of the vote. No crowd, no noise “for her own safety.” Davina looks stern. The big question: will Davina bottle the interview? After all she has the same agent as Jade and is notoriously lenient on the nasty housemates (Lesley? Grace?). With the entire world’s press watching her, Davina did a surprisingly good job. Showed the reaction, mentioned racism, made Jade answer the questions.
Jade, as ever is unrepentant. She doesn’t look ashamed, she doesn’t seem to care. She utters platitudes about being ‘sorry’ and ‘ashamed’ but its all balls! The supposedly ‘live’ interview has a poorly edited cut in it – Jade wasn’t interviewed live at all! Don't lie again Channel 4. She’d been out for an hour already and – methinks – locked away with her PR girl and agent, she’s perfectly primed and ready for anything.
True enough, as soon as the interview is over there are a million stories flying around – Jade sells story for £500k to News of the World – proceeds to charity! Jade’s mum is really a Muslim? (Yeah, a pork eating beer drinking breast flashing one at that!) Jade fears for life! Jade is being manipulated really!
Oh please. If this whole furore has proved anything it is that no one person is ever bigger than the show that made them. But more than that, it proves that a channel should never underestimate its viewer and that ultimately, the viewer decides what the viewer thinks is acceptable. If Jade Goody inc. still exists after this in the same grubby way it did after her last bout of bullying five years ago, society is in the doldrums.
Do me a favour Davina? Give Jo Clinical Depressive and Danielle Dimwit the same harsh treatment since…in many ways, they are worse than Jade because they have also been fed the same spin, Jade is Great – only they are so thick they actually believed it and thought it would help them.
The evening ends with more of Jo’s depression and her desperate need to hide Shilpa’s knickers in Dirk’s bed – she’d do it too if she wasn’t too lazy and unwashed to get off her backside. (Has anyone seen her vertical yet?) Danielle has a deluded moment, again. “I’m not a bitch.” She says. Oh, go away you moron; you are making my brain bleed.
Feel like you need a wash? Rushing out to buy Jade's perfume? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Thursday 18 January 2007
CBB5: Day 16: 18th Jan 2007
Jade awakes and treats everyone to her flaky skin. “I’ve got the flakiest skin in Britain,” she declares. Oh, I see – that’s how she is ‘infulenchal’ then. “Skankanasi” she giggles with her lap dogs following suit. I’m so paranoid now by the hysteria I may or may not have started that I analyse everything the girls say. Is Skankanasi racist? In the kitchen with the civilised folk, Dirk is on top form. It is a pity that we haven’t been able to see much of the lovely Mr. Benedict – all that bitching has subdued him and all his wonderful comments get left out. Dirk discusses the earth and sun in orbit. “Don’t tell them,” he says to Ian, indicating the bedroom where the bitches lay in their own filth. “They’d find it too complicated.” Don’t worry Dirk, Jo, Jade and Danielle are only interested in what vegetarian’s poo smells like and how many times a normal person farts.
Boredom sets in. The housemates are advised to stay out of the garden due to high winds. (Insert Jackiey joke here). Meanwhile, on the outside Carphone Warehouse pull out of sponsorship and cite racism as a reason. Channel 4 issues a statement once again claiming there is no racism. There’s none so blind as them that won’t see. Dirk bursts a blister, which seems to horrify Cleo. Ian makes a glove puppet. I’m attacked by guilt because not only did I post Channel 4, Endemol and The Sun’s email address I also posted the Carphone Warehouse’s. Tis all my fault! (Nah! Not really. Honest!)
Dirk misses Leo. “If Leo were here, none of us would have to talk to each other.” He talks to Shilpa however…cue more flirting. “I’ll ask BB to give them a candlelit dinner.” Ian remarks.
There is something afoot and it stinks. The bullies seem to have been briefed and Jade spends many hours in the Diary Room – always emerging in tears…suddenly she wants to apologise to Shilpa – in that unique way of blaming Shilpa and never drawing breath. They make their very tepid peace and hug weakly. Things get tense and everyone worries. Cleo suddenly decides that Jade is the best thing since sliced bread and will not have a word said against her.
Jade spends yet another eight hours in the Diary Room and comes out, explaining to the group that she heard a “familiar voice” in there and things are “bad” for her in the outside world. Sorry, but I am struggling to find any sympathy with her – you reap what you sow. The other housemates don’t get it; half delighted they are off the hook and half outraged. Cleo wants to protest. Cleo wants to wake Shilpa up and march her to the diary room to declare – again – there was no racism. To her credit, Shilpa goes back to sleep.
I have a nasty feeling that there will be a backlash against Shilpa…the whole show is a farce. Cleo, so adept at fence sitting, has come down firmly on the side of the bullies without acknowledging the very real hatred they have spewed for a young woman whose’ only crime is to want to cook and to not want to talk about farts.
The day ends with the biggest display of hubris I have ever witnessed. Jade talks constantly about what a success she is and Cleo – never able to comfort Shilpa in quite the same way – lodges herself firmly up Jade’s backside. When you peak Jade, there is nowhere else to go but down. Jack’s little brain is thinking, “How can I get out of this, and fast?”
Boredom sets in. The housemates are advised to stay out of the garden due to high winds. (Insert Jackiey joke here). Meanwhile, on the outside Carphone Warehouse pull out of sponsorship and cite racism as a reason. Channel 4 issues a statement once again claiming there is no racism. There’s none so blind as them that won’t see. Dirk bursts a blister, which seems to horrify Cleo. Ian makes a glove puppet. I’m attacked by guilt because not only did I post Channel 4, Endemol and The Sun’s email address I also posted the Carphone Warehouse’s. Tis all my fault! (Nah! Not really. Honest!)
Dirk misses Leo. “If Leo were here, none of us would have to talk to each other.” He talks to Shilpa however…cue more flirting. “I’ll ask BB to give them a candlelit dinner.” Ian remarks.
There is something afoot and it stinks. The bullies seem to have been briefed and Jade spends many hours in the Diary Room – always emerging in tears…suddenly she wants to apologise to Shilpa – in that unique way of blaming Shilpa and never drawing breath. They make their very tepid peace and hug weakly. Things get tense and everyone worries. Cleo suddenly decides that Jade is the best thing since sliced bread and will not have a word said against her.
Jade spends yet another eight hours in the Diary Room and comes out, explaining to the group that she heard a “familiar voice” in there and things are “bad” for her in the outside world. Sorry, but I am struggling to find any sympathy with her – you reap what you sow. The other housemates don’t get it; half delighted they are off the hook and half outraged. Cleo wants to protest. Cleo wants to wake Shilpa up and march her to the diary room to declare – again – there was no racism. To her credit, Shilpa goes back to sleep.
I have a nasty feeling that there will be a backlash against Shilpa…the whole show is a farce. Cleo, so adept at fence sitting, has come down firmly on the side of the bullies without acknowledging the very real hatred they have spewed for a young woman whose’ only crime is to want to cook and to not want to talk about farts.
The day ends with the biggest display of hubris I have ever witnessed. Jade talks constantly about what a success she is and Cleo – never able to comfort Shilpa in quite the same way – lodges herself firmly up Jade’s backside. When you peak Jade, there is nowhere else to go but down. Jack’s little brain is thinking, “How can I get out of this, and fast?”
Feel a bit sick? Want the fun BB back? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Wednesday 17 January 2007
CBB5: Day 15: 17th Jan 2007
Jade’s rant, that seems to have gone on for about seventeen years, has caused unrest. Again. Dirk tries to diffuse things by talking about salad vegetables but gets the shock of his life when he opens his rice to find worms in there. Shilpa’s fault probably – along with my car exhaust going caput and those escapees from prison that were on the news earlier. The tension is palpable.
A wise man once said to me, “you get the face you deserve” and I think he is right. That is why Shilpa looks stunning and Jade and Jo look like…well, you know. Few people talk until Danielle gets an attack of ‘scripted’ guilt (or a tip off). They bitch again, despite Danielle hugging Shilpa with faux remorse and friendliness.
Nominations go ahead. Everyone is glum. I’m glum. I’m not sure I can watch much more of this. On the news, some fellas in India burn an effigy of what they claim is the show’s producers but could, quite honestly, be anyone. All effigies look the same to me! (Is that racist?) It’s so obvious that Jade and Shilpa will face each other in a vote off but Endemol refuse to confirm it.
Instead the housemates are given yet another pointless art task where the divide is only heightened more. Jack treats everyone to some witty insight, “is vomit ever blue?” For the love of all that is holy, that boy is sure a catch! Speculation is rife across the world – are more housemates going in? Is it a double eviction on Friday? Does anyone actually give a toss anymore? Did I actually start the mass hysteria by posting OfCom’s email address first? (Don’t tell anyone).
The art task ends as predictably as is possible. Booze is given out. The youngsters minus Ian drink and get vulgar in the living room. The adults minus Cleo have civilised and humorous conversations in the bedroom. Maybe I’m getting old, but I really don’t want to watch a bunch of morons burping, farting and talking about poo. I’d rather listen to lovely Dirk talking about being stabbed and his dog being eaten by a lion – or Jermaine’s tales of growing up in the Jackson house.
The sensible housemates retire whilst the tipsy muppets teeter around the living room entertaining no one but themselves. I get a tinge of sympathy for the poor Endemol camera staff who have to film this sh*t before brining myself to my senses when remembering what they get paid…from gullible phone voters.
Jade out? Shilpa out? Cancel the show? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
A wise man once said to me, “you get the face you deserve” and I think he is right. That is why Shilpa looks stunning and Jade and Jo look like…well, you know. Few people talk until Danielle gets an attack of ‘scripted’ guilt (or a tip off). They bitch again, despite Danielle hugging Shilpa with faux remorse and friendliness.
Nominations go ahead. Everyone is glum. I’m glum. I’m not sure I can watch much more of this. On the news, some fellas in India burn an effigy of what they claim is the show’s producers but could, quite honestly, be anyone. All effigies look the same to me! (Is that racist?) It’s so obvious that Jade and Shilpa will face each other in a vote off but Endemol refuse to confirm it.
Instead the housemates are given yet another pointless art task where the divide is only heightened more. Jack treats everyone to some witty insight, “is vomit ever blue?” For the love of all that is holy, that boy is sure a catch! Speculation is rife across the world – are more housemates going in? Is it a double eviction on Friday? Does anyone actually give a toss anymore? Did I actually start the mass hysteria by posting OfCom’s email address first? (Don’t tell anyone).
The art task ends as predictably as is possible. Booze is given out. The youngsters minus Ian drink and get vulgar in the living room. The adults minus Cleo have civilised and humorous conversations in the bedroom. Maybe I’m getting old, but I really don’t want to watch a bunch of morons burping, farting and talking about poo. I’d rather listen to lovely Dirk talking about being stabbed and his dog being eaten by a lion – or Jermaine’s tales of growing up in the Jackson house.
The sensible housemates retire whilst the tipsy muppets teeter around the living room entertaining no one but themselves. I get a tinge of sympathy for the poor Endemol camera staff who have to film this sh*t before brining myself to my senses when remembering what they get paid…from gullible phone voters.
Jade out? Shilpa out? Cancel the show? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Tuesday 16 January 2007
CBB5: Day 14: 16th Jan 2007
Everyone gets up late and fusses about breakfast. I know people are on basic food rations but seriously; black coffee and museli really are not that engrossing. “This is my tenth wee this morning,” Ian declares. Cheers Ian, although, in fact, that is probably the only interesting thing that will be said all day. A chicken arrives which Shilpa wants to cook! Step away from the chicken Shilpa, learn your lesson! I blame Big Brother. For the love of all that is good just ban chickens!
Jermaine and Dirk go and talk in the garden. Jermaine reveals his kids' names. Jermaine Jr, Jermajesty, Jordyn and Jesus amongst them – his ninth child (9th – I thought he only had 8?!) is called Dave. Dave? After all those alliterative and frankly ridiculous names, child 9 gets Dave? Did he get bored at the registry office? “Well, when you get to your ninth child, it doesn’t really matter does it?”
Jade decides to use Shilpa’s face bleach to make Ian’s fringe blond. She asks to shave his chest too, but Ian wisely refuses. Ian ends up with a huge ginger spike in the middle of his forehead. Now we know why Jade’s salon lasted all of two minutes. Shilpa, now the subject of some ‘insider mole’ speculation, decides to go to the bedroom to help Jermaine with his clothes. She waxes lyrical about Dirk and what a “nice man” he is. Oh, the only nice thing about this painful show at the moment is the sweetly innocent ‘love’ blossoming between Dirk and Shilpa.
Jack and Cleo are called to the Diary Room and there is mass panic. Jade worries her beloved has been taken. If only, Jade, if only. The rest of the housemates are quickly called the living room when a helicopter can be heard outside. A message from The Sun? You betcha! When Cleo and Jack return, Cleo has an awfully red face. Oh no, Jack didn’t get too overexcited on her leg too, did he? The pair of them refuse to discuss their visit because Big Brother has told them not to. Nominations do not take place. Ian and Jo fall asleep – separately – only to have the alarm sound.
Dirk gets mean and masterful and claims if there are “any grumblings” over dinner he’ll leave. Danielle panics about the outside world, insisting to Cleo, “I’ve done nothing wrong!” Oh Dani girl…if only you knew. Meanwhile in the outside world one hundred million people complain to OfCom and a further four billion complain to Channel 4. Racism and bullying in the BB house dominates the news. MPs raise it in parliament. Anti-bullying campaigners declare Jade a bully. TV shows go crazy. Bandwagon? People power? You decide!
Back in the house where everyone remains oblivious, Jade tries to convince them that Shilpa is the mole. Dirk is not convinced and states that it must be Jade because she “came in late, forced people out, always claims this or that will happen and then mentions moles.” Dirk is too popular to be questioned. He cleaned the toilet out so everyone loves him. I love him. A man who cleans the toilet? Perfect.
Jade deciding that she’s is going to be boss and not Shilpa, uses three out of four of Shilpa’s remaining stock cubes. Shilpa isn’t happy as she only ordered those (and some veg for Jermaine). Jade doesn’t care she rants and raves like the howling banshee of unreasonableness that she is – with Dumb and Dumber laughing in the background. “You aint no princess here!” Jade shrieks. “You’re a liar and a fake!” she screams over and over and over and over and over. Shilpa remains remarkably calm; how she does it I don’t know. If I were in that house, Jade Gobmonster would have been wearing her own teeth for earrings by now. “You know what Jade?” Shilpa retorts. “Your claim to fame is this show! Well done!” Ouch. Brilliant.
Being as ignorant as is physically and mentally possible, Jade continues to bitch and bitch and bitch with Jo Manic Depressive and Danielle Dipshit. Shilpa remains calms and plays with the grown ups, Dirk, Jermaine and Ian in the bedroom. Cleo, the human jellyfish, flits around refusing to believe anything is wrong anywhere in the world. But then, this is Cleo a woman who was in love with a gay man all her adult life. A woman who can actually bear to talk to Jack for more than thirty seconds without wanting to vomit. Note to producers: Cleo is not of this world.
When the grown ups have gone to bed, Jade, Danielle and Jo begin to whisper but its too high pitched and painful that even Jo’s dogs would struggle to understand. BB sees all though and the girls are called one by one to the Diary Room. Hmmm, I smells a rat. Endemol running scared? Warning the girls about the outside world’s reaction? Sorry to be cruel, but the bullies made their stinking nasty beds, let them lie in it, says I! Obviously after the ‘warning’ turns out to be a tip off the girls are given booze. I’d like to think the producers are hoping the girls will hoist themselves by their own petards, but it stinks like a reward for bullying,
I’m more than a little proud at people power…bullying and racism, no matter how borderline, are wrong and should be pointed out. I’m not even too concerned if Big Brother doesn’t return. The last four years have consisted of nothing more than arguing and nastiness and quite frankly, it is tedious.
Did you complain? Do not care in the slightest? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Jermaine and Dirk go and talk in the garden. Jermaine reveals his kids' names. Jermaine Jr, Jermajesty, Jordyn and Jesus amongst them – his ninth child (9th – I thought he only had 8?!) is called Dave. Dave? After all those alliterative and frankly ridiculous names, child 9 gets Dave? Did he get bored at the registry office? “Well, when you get to your ninth child, it doesn’t really matter does it?”
Jade decides to use Shilpa’s face bleach to make Ian’s fringe blond. She asks to shave his chest too, but Ian wisely refuses. Ian ends up with a huge ginger spike in the middle of his forehead. Now we know why Jade’s salon lasted all of two minutes. Shilpa, now the subject of some ‘insider mole’ speculation, decides to go to the bedroom to help Jermaine with his clothes. She waxes lyrical about Dirk and what a “nice man” he is. Oh, the only nice thing about this painful show at the moment is the sweetly innocent ‘love’ blossoming between Dirk and Shilpa.
Jack and Cleo are called to the Diary Room and there is mass panic. Jade worries her beloved has been taken. If only, Jade, if only. The rest of the housemates are quickly called the living room when a helicopter can be heard outside. A message from The Sun? You betcha! When Cleo and Jack return, Cleo has an awfully red face. Oh no, Jack didn’t get too overexcited on her leg too, did he? The pair of them refuse to discuss their visit because Big Brother has told them not to. Nominations do not take place. Ian and Jo fall asleep – separately – only to have the alarm sound.
Dirk gets mean and masterful and claims if there are “any grumblings” over dinner he’ll leave. Danielle panics about the outside world, insisting to Cleo, “I’ve done nothing wrong!” Oh Dani girl…if only you knew. Meanwhile in the outside world one hundred million people complain to OfCom and a further four billion complain to Channel 4. Racism and bullying in the BB house dominates the news. MPs raise it in parliament. Anti-bullying campaigners declare Jade a bully. TV shows go crazy. Bandwagon? People power? You decide!
Back in the house where everyone remains oblivious, Jade tries to convince them that Shilpa is the mole. Dirk is not convinced and states that it must be Jade because she “came in late, forced people out, always claims this or that will happen and then mentions moles.” Dirk is too popular to be questioned. He cleaned the toilet out so everyone loves him. I love him. A man who cleans the toilet? Perfect.
Jade deciding that she’s is going to be boss and not Shilpa, uses three out of four of Shilpa’s remaining stock cubes. Shilpa isn’t happy as she only ordered those (and some veg for Jermaine). Jade doesn’t care she rants and raves like the howling banshee of unreasonableness that she is – with Dumb and Dumber laughing in the background. “You aint no princess here!” Jade shrieks. “You’re a liar and a fake!” she screams over and over and over and over and over. Shilpa remains remarkably calm; how she does it I don’t know. If I were in that house, Jade Gobmonster would have been wearing her own teeth for earrings by now. “You know what Jade?” Shilpa retorts. “Your claim to fame is this show! Well done!” Ouch. Brilliant.
Being as ignorant as is physically and mentally possible, Jade continues to bitch and bitch and bitch with Jo Manic Depressive and Danielle Dipshit. Shilpa remains calms and plays with the grown ups, Dirk, Jermaine and Ian in the bedroom. Cleo, the human jellyfish, flits around refusing to believe anything is wrong anywhere in the world. But then, this is Cleo a woman who was in love with a gay man all her adult life. A woman who can actually bear to talk to Jack for more than thirty seconds without wanting to vomit. Note to producers: Cleo is not of this world.
When the grown ups have gone to bed, Jade, Danielle and Jo begin to whisper but its too high pitched and painful that even Jo’s dogs would struggle to understand. BB sees all though and the girls are called one by one to the Diary Room. Hmmm, I smells a rat. Endemol running scared? Warning the girls about the outside world’s reaction? Sorry to be cruel, but the bullies made their stinking nasty beds, let them lie in it, says I! Obviously after the ‘warning’ turns out to be a tip off the girls are given booze. I’d like to think the producers are hoping the girls will hoist themselves by their own petards, but it stinks like a reward for bullying,
I’m more than a little proud at people power…bullying and racism, no matter how borderline, are wrong and should be pointed out. I’m not even too concerned if Big Brother doesn’t return. The last four years have consisted of nothing more than arguing and nastiness and quite frankly, it is tedious.
Did you complain? Do not care in the slightest? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
CBB5: Day 13: 15th Jan 2007
The morning after the night before. Cleo wanders around in her Land of the Fairies, refusing to believe anything bad happened, and states that “a bridge was made.” Shilpa and Jade however, do not agree. “I cried a lot.” Shilpa tells Jermaine. “I wasn’t nasty.” Jade tells Danielle. Jermaine and Ian are perplexed and annoyed. “Bullying.” Ian says. “The girls are bullying Shilpa. She can’t do anything right.” Jade doesn’t care anyway; she made Shilpa cry and is proud as she relays her tale of victimisation to Jo and Danielle. “I get articulate when I argue.” She says proudly. No you don’t Jade; you get nasty and tend to resemble an obese warthog on the verge of a psychotic episode.
Dirk decides to cook lunch and, miraculously, there is no bitching about his food. Everyone is full of compliments, including Shilpa who decides to give Dirk a hug before telling him her makes her go “weak at the knees.” Altogether now…aaahhh. Big Brother reaches a new level of ineptitude and set a task involving a “red carpet” event and “dressing up”. Oh dear lord, when will it ever end?
Everyone gets to dress in ill fitting dinner jackets and evening gowns. Dirk looks remarkably handsome. Jermaine looks like a doorman in some salubrious underground drinking establishment. Just when my worry that some dreadful new Lauren Harries style housemate is about to be introduced, Big Brother decides the celebs need to tackle a “VIP Assault Course” in their gear.
The housemates fail their task. The evening consists of sniping over food, whining and Jo having “an asthma attack” (she recovers from the attack by smoking 40 more fags and blames Shilpa! Naturally.) I get too annoyed to continue my blog and write an email to Endemol in disgust instead:
Dear Endemol
I never thought it could much worse but you have surpassed your own very low standards set with the re-introduction of Nikki last year.
So, you are faced with a mass of OfCom and Channel 4 complaints, angry callers, Dave Gorman’s genuine comments on BBLB and internet forums in uproar because Shilpa is being systematically bullied, belittled, isolated and victimised by your employee Jade Goody (yes, we all know her agent is the same as Russell’s, Davina’s and Dermot’s) and her gang. Yet, you drag in some clearly inexperienced ‘psychologist’ on to that excuse for a show “Big Brain” to tell us all Shilpa is to blame for her own bullying.
Excuse me? Do you watch your own live feed? What a wonderful message…get picked on, left out, humiliated and destroyed but it’s your own fault kids. I might try that at work tomorrow – I’ll call my admin a girl a “f***** b****” and then tell her, when she becomes upset, it is her own fault because she actually comes into work each day and anyway, it must be her fault a ‘psychologist’ said so.
I know you have some serious Jade Goody damage limitation to do. We’ve seen the snarling harridan in action and her hench muppets, Jo and Danielle. You can issue all the pointless statements you like about how Big Brother would never allow bullying; it’s just “girlish envy”. Yes, in your sweet little Goody land where every thing is Jade, I’m sure it was all just harmless girl fun!
Shilpa is a “dog” “wants to be white” and is a “f*****g idiot?” Her accent is mocked, her culture is mocked. Jack calls her a c*** and a w****r. Jo says that Indians are thin because they make themselves sick from undercooked chicken and she “doesn’t know where their fingers have been” and yet you still insist there is nothing racist happening? So, have some courage then and show the word Jack said that you were forced to bleep. Don’t try and tell me it was the C-Word – you’ve shown that before now. The very fact you refuse to show what he said, that you refer to relentless bullying as “girlish envy” and that you get that drip Dermot O’Leary (Jade’s colleague) to then pin the blame on Shilpa really has me wondering what you are trying to hide.
Dave Gorman, John McCririck and others have tried to raise the race issue only to be shouted down. What are you so afraid of? Oh, yes – the truth.
I expect your Endemol co-workers will populate the eviction crowds too so that Jade (who literally pays their wages) can get a cheer whilst the nation still reviles her - note: we reviled her after BB3 too and we know the ‘psychologist’ told her to change tack then. Being in Heat magazine constantly with your belly out does not mean the public like you! I imagine the Endemol employees on overtime on Friday night are also instructed to boo Shilpa…because she dares to be the victim of bullying. (Sorry – that’s her fault, isn’t it?)
I never held your company up as a bastion of good morals and human decency, how could I? You resurrected Noel Edmonds for goodness sake? But please, this has to be an all time low even for you. I suppose if Danielle took to goose-stepping and swastika painting that too would not be racist, just a bit of ‘harmless girly fun’
You blew it, if truth be told. If you had never brought in the Goody rabble this show would have been dynamite and you would not have had these accusations levelled at you.
I expect your usual standard response…so I shall send this to you as many times as is possible, and to Channel 4 and maybe even the press. Shame on you.
Wish you’d never watched Big Brother? Enjoy mindless bullying? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Dirk decides to cook lunch and, miraculously, there is no bitching about his food. Everyone is full of compliments, including Shilpa who decides to give Dirk a hug before telling him her makes her go “weak at the knees.” Altogether now…aaahhh. Big Brother reaches a new level of ineptitude and set a task involving a “red carpet” event and “dressing up”. Oh dear lord, when will it ever end?
Everyone gets to dress in ill fitting dinner jackets and evening gowns. Dirk looks remarkably handsome. Jermaine looks like a doorman in some salubrious underground drinking establishment. Just when my worry that some dreadful new Lauren Harries style housemate is about to be introduced, Big Brother decides the celebs need to tackle a “VIP Assault Course” in their gear.
The housemates fail their task. The evening consists of sniping over food, whining and Jo having “an asthma attack” (she recovers from the attack by smoking 40 more fags and blames Shilpa! Naturally.) I get too annoyed to continue my blog and write an email to Endemol in disgust instead:
Dear Endemol
I never thought it could much worse but you have surpassed your own very low standards set with the re-introduction of Nikki last year.
So, you are faced with a mass of OfCom and Channel 4 complaints, angry callers, Dave Gorman’s genuine comments on BBLB and internet forums in uproar because Shilpa is being systematically bullied, belittled, isolated and victimised by your employee Jade Goody (yes, we all know her agent is the same as Russell’s, Davina’s and Dermot’s) and her gang. Yet, you drag in some clearly inexperienced ‘psychologist’ on to that excuse for a show “Big Brain” to tell us all Shilpa is to blame for her own bullying.
Excuse me? Do you watch your own live feed? What a wonderful message…get picked on, left out, humiliated and destroyed but it’s your own fault kids. I might try that at work tomorrow – I’ll call my admin a girl a “f***** b****” and then tell her, when she becomes upset, it is her own fault because she actually comes into work each day and anyway, it must be her fault a ‘psychologist’ said so.
I know you have some serious Jade Goody damage limitation to do. We’ve seen the snarling harridan in action and her hench muppets, Jo and Danielle. You can issue all the pointless statements you like about how Big Brother would never allow bullying; it’s just “girlish envy”. Yes, in your sweet little Goody land where every thing is Jade, I’m sure it was all just harmless girl fun!
Shilpa is a “dog” “wants to be white” and is a “f*****g idiot?” Her accent is mocked, her culture is mocked. Jack calls her a c*** and a w****r. Jo says that Indians are thin because they make themselves sick from undercooked chicken and she “doesn’t know where their fingers have been” and yet you still insist there is nothing racist happening? So, have some courage then and show the word Jack said that you were forced to bleep. Don’t try and tell me it was the C-Word – you’ve shown that before now. The very fact you refuse to show what he said, that you refer to relentless bullying as “girlish envy” and that you get that drip Dermot O’Leary (Jade’s colleague) to then pin the blame on Shilpa really has me wondering what you are trying to hide.
Dave Gorman, John McCririck and others have tried to raise the race issue only to be shouted down. What are you so afraid of? Oh, yes – the truth.
I expect your Endemol co-workers will populate the eviction crowds too so that Jade (who literally pays their wages) can get a cheer whilst the nation still reviles her - note: we reviled her after BB3 too and we know the ‘psychologist’ told her to change tack then. Being in Heat magazine constantly with your belly out does not mean the public like you! I imagine the Endemol employees on overtime on Friday night are also instructed to boo Shilpa…because she dares to be the victim of bullying. (Sorry – that’s her fault, isn’t it?)
I never held your company up as a bastion of good morals and human decency, how could I? You resurrected Noel Edmonds for goodness sake? But please, this has to be an all time low even for you. I suppose if Danielle took to goose-stepping and swastika painting that too would not be racist, just a bit of ‘harmless girly fun’
You blew it, if truth be told. If you had never brought in the Goody rabble this show would have been dynamite and you would not have had these accusations levelled at you.
I expect your usual standard response…so I shall send this to you as many times as is possible, and to Channel 4 and maybe even the press. Shame on you.
Wish you’d never watched Big Brother? Enjoy mindless bullying? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Sunday 14 January 2007
CBB5: Day 12: 14th Jan 2007
Shilpa makes chicken again. Danielle is annoyed, as she wanted to make the roast. Danielle is allowed to do the potatoes, which turn out to be burned and greasy. Hmm, perhaps it’s best you don’t cook the chicken. Jade, Jo and Dani decide they have no option but to sit in their coven and bitch because “Shilpa’s only doing this to get her own cookery show.” Get a grip Jade, not everyone is as mercenary as you. The chicken isn’t ready in time for the vegetables, so everyone eats the vegetables first. Dirk is happy, he’s managed to fry some tofu and chat to Jermaine – he’s not getting drawn into the vipers’ nest. Shilpa's nerves are frayed, "I won’t cook for anyone again then.” She says. Unfortunately I imagine Jade, Jo and Dani will manage to bitch at her for not cooking, especially when their daily ration of ten fish fingers begins to make them bilious.
Big Brother decides to set a task that sounds even more pointless than the inclusion of Jack Tweedy. Housemates get to ask Big Brother questions and Big Brother reserve the right to refuse to answer. Good heavens, the excitement is sure to kill us all. I have a question Big Brother, why oh why did you bring Jade back when it meant losing Donny and Ken? Are you secretly trying to destroy the show?
Jade’s questions are typically intriguing. Why do we have eyebrows? How do Eskimos make babies? Do mermaids exist? When did we go from grunts to language? Well, some people never did, did they Jade? Cleo decides to liven the disparate groups by dressing as Dorothy Montgomery, holding court to her audience of monkeys. Dirk is too afraid to join in, he knows Cleo has the hots for him when she is herself, imagine what she’s like dressed up.
Big Brother thinks it can go one better and provides a table tennis table. Ian and Shilpa play one another, much to the coven’s disgust. Deciding it would be much better to play drinking games (no more kebab showing, please!!!) Jade and Danielle tuck into booze. Oh great, more foul mouthed, empty headed borderline racist insults to come then? More shouting at Dirk for no reason?
Big Brother reads out their questions. Jade proposed one about “heskey moes” and Dirk decided to treat everyone to ponder on relativity. Jade backtracks, suddenly best friends with Dirk and Shilpa – nothing to do with them getting 75% of the vote, is it Jade? Suspecting nomination in the morning, Jade goes into mouth slavering, jaw jabbering over drive, desperately trying to make peace with everyone in her own “unique” way (as in - I am right, you are wrong!) She goes on and on to Shilpa about dominating the kitchen until Shilpa breaks down in tears. “I don’t know if you are being genuine or not!” barks Jade. Oh, go away you dreadful specimen.
Jade employs her now infamous bully tactics and continues, with the aid of a spineless Cleo, to rip into Shilpa, “but I like you. I’m not a hypocrite” she whines. If only Big Brother Highlights would show this as it is – Jade the bully. I fear some craftily edited editions are on the cards with Shilpa the villain. Shilpa spends the next hour crying with a pathetic Cleo trying to be a mediator – only not grasping the mediators shouldn’t actually take sides!
If only this would make the highlights, then maybe the bullying bint of Bermondsey would bugger off back to her nasty habits and her media whoring days could end. Wishful thinking?
Love Jade? Hate morals? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Big Brother decides to set a task that sounds even more pointless than the inclusion of Jack Tweedy. Housemates get to ask Big Brother questions and Big Brother reserve the right to refuse to answer. Good heavens, the excitement is sure to kill us all. I have a question Big Brother, why oh why did you bring Jade back when it meant losing Donny and Ken? Are you secretly trying to destroy the show?
Jade’s questions are typically intriguing. Why do we have eyebrows? How do Eskimos make babies? Do mermaids exist? When did we go from grunts to language? Well, some people never did, did they Jade? Cleo decides to liven the disparate groups by dressing as Dorothy Montgomery, holding court to her audience of monkeys. Dirk is too afraid to join in, he knows Cleo has the hots for him when she is herself, imagine what she’s like dressed up.
Big Brother thinks it can go one better and provides a table tennis table. Ian and Shilpa play one another, much to the coven’s disgust. Deciding it would be much better to play drinking games (no more kebab showing, please!!!) Jade and Danielle tuck into booze. Oh great, more foul mouthed, empty headed borderline racist insults to come then? More shouting at Dirk for no reason?
Big Brother reads out their questions. Jade proposed one about “heskey moes” and Dirk decided to treat everyone to ponder on relativity. Jade backtracks, suddenly best friends with Dirk and Shilpa – nothing to do with them getting 75% of the vote, is it Jade? Suspecting nomination in the morning, Jade goes into mouth slavering, jaw jabbering over drive, desperately trying to make peace with everyone in her own “unique” way (as in - I am right, you are wrong!) She goes on and on to Shilpa about dominating the kitchen until Shilpa breaks down in tears. “I don’t know if you are being genuine or not!” barks Jade. Oh, go away you dreadful specimen.
Jade employs her now infamous bully tactics and continues, with the aid of a spineless Cleo, to rip into Shilpa, “but I like you. I’m not a hypocrite” she whines. If only Big Brother Highlights would show this as it is – Jade the bully. I fear some craftily edited editions are on the cards with Shilpa the villain. Shilpa spends the next hour crying with a pathetic Cleo trying to be a mediator – only not grasping the mediators shouldn’t actually take sides!
If only this would make the highlights, then maybe the bullying bint of Bermondsey would bugger off back to her nasty habits and her media whoring days could end. Wishful thinking?
Love Jade? Hate morals? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Saturday 13 January 2007
CBB5: DAy 11: 13th Jan 2007
Danielle and Jade, the detritus of this show, continue to discuss their engineered argument against Shilpa. Danielle claims she will “never drink again” before pointing out she wasn’t at fault any way, it was all Shilpa’s fault. Of course it was Dani, Shilpa also caused the Middle East Conflict, the recent increase in air travel tax and the proposed defection of Jose Murhino from Chelsea. “The Cook” makes everyone their lunch again, to which they all thank her with a level of insincerity only ever seen when politicians address a party conference.
Realising some of us would rather take up glue sniffing and dogging if we have to watch much longer, Big Brother sets the group a task so there is something to watch other than a barrage of racist insults and needless bitching. Ian, Jade, Jack and Jo form one group and Jermaine, Dirk, Shilpa, Cleo and Danielle form another. Ian has to teach his group the words and dance moves for the Steps “classic” A Deeper Shade of Blue. Jermaine has to teach his “I Want You Back” a genuine Jackson Five floor filler.
Danielle and Jack go to the bathroom to discuss how Shilpa “wants to be white” because she used hair bleach on her face. Hmmm. How long before someone burns a Cross on her lawn and paints a swastika on her pillowcase? The Steps crew dress in Blue PVC, looking like the rejects that the folks at Barbie throw in the incinerator at the end of each day. Jermaine’s gang have Afros. Without a hint of irony, Jermaine pulls out his Afro comb and brushes his wig.
They finally perform. Dirk looks a little lost, like someone has dressed their granddad in a wig for a laugh whilst he was asleep. The performance is brilliant, even brain-dead Danielle managed to keep up. Sadly, when Ian’s group take the stage Jack forgets his words and the fact that he actually has to move in order to dance. Jo keeps giggling. They are woeful in comparison, much to Ian’s distress. The housemates speculate that the losers of the task will face eviction. Armed with this info I immediately send off a million emails to keep Jermaine Jackson’s group (and Danielle by sickening default).
Tragically, the only award is a party as Jermaine’s group get 75% of the vote. Jade looks forlorn. “Maybe no one likes us” she whines – yeah, keep going Jade. I think pure, blind and rabid hatred it more like it. The party is a none starter. Danielle mercifully keeps her promise to lay off the sauce. No Dani, you go ahead and have a drink and keep showing us what Sage Jermaine calls your “true colours.”
Right on cue, Jade takes herself off to lay alone in the garden before returning and bursting into unfounded tears in the kitchen. Has she had another miraculous trip the Diary Room to be tipped off about her behaviour? Did someone shout what a bitch she actually is over the wall? We are about to see yet another emergence of Saint Jade of Goody soon, mark my words.
Sick of the manipulation? Trust Endemol with your life? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Realising some of us would rather take up glue sniffing and dogging if we have to watch much longer, Big Brother sets the group a task so there is something to watch other than a barrage of racist insults and needless bitching. Ian, Jade, Jack and Jo form one group and Jermaine, Dirk, Shilpa, Cleo and Danielle form another. Ian has to teach his group the words and dance moves for the Steps “classic” A Deeper Shade of Blue. Jermaine has to teach his “I Want You Back” a genuine Jackson Five floor filler.
Danielle and Jack go to the bathroom to discuss how Shilpa “wants to be white” because she used hair bleach on her face. Hmmm. How long before someone burns a Cross on her lawn and paints a swastika on her pillowcase? The Steps crew dress in Blue PVC, looking like the rejects that the folks at Barbie throw in the incinerator at the end of each day. Jermaine’s gang have Afros. Without a hint of irony, Jermaine pulls out his Afro comb and brushes his wig.
They finally perform. Dirk looks a little lost, like someone has dressed their granddad in a wig for a laugh whilst he was asleep. The performance is brilliant, even brain-dead Danielle managed to keep up. Sadly, when Ian’s group take the stage Jack forgets his words and the fact that he actually has to move in order to dance. Jo keeps giggling. They are woeful in comparison, much to Ian’s distress. The housemates speculate that the losers of the task will face eviction. Armed with this info I immediately send off a million emails to keep Jermaine Jackson’s group (and Danielle by sickening default).
Tragically, the only award is a party as Jermaine’s group get 75% of the vote. Jade looks forlorn. “Maybe no one likes us” she whines – yeah, keep going Jade. I think pure, blind and rabid hatred it more like it. The party is a none starter. Danielle mercifully keeps her promise to lay off the sauce. No Dani, you go ahead and have a drink and keep showing us what Sage Jermaine calls your “true colours.”
Right on cue, Jade takes herself off to lay alone in the garden before returning and bursting into unfounded tears in the kitchen. Has she had another miraculous trip the Diary Room to be tipped off about her behaviour? Did someone shout what a bitch she actually is over the wall? We are about to see yet another emergence of Saint Jade of Goody soon, mark my words.
Sick of the manipulation? Trust Endemol with your life? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Friday 12 January 2007
CBB5: Day 10: 12th Jan 2007
“Big Brother was filmed in front of a live baying mob…I mean, studio audience. Brought to you in unglorious Jadevision.”
Dirk does his exercises. Jade walks past and asks him if it makes him feel better. Dirk has the audacity to shrug. Uh oh Dirk, big mistake you have now incurred the wrath of Goody and the Endemol crew. True to form Jade flees to the bedroom with her coven of hags and begins to annihilate Dirk again regarding the whisky saga. She’s slipping though; she mentions he will be shown on the highlights. Come on Jade, don’t give the game away. Some idiots out there still think you are a nice girl and not a scheming, manipulative, money obsessed harridan with a vacuous neo-racist boyfriend and glorified bag of spanners for a mother! Thankfully for Dirk, sensible Jermaine Jackson points out the gap opening up in the group – Jade’s Gang vs. everyone else, only to be remedied by Carole being evicted.
Sadly, Crazy Leo is certain he will go and the polls indicate he will as well. Oh good, so not only do we have the Bermondsey Bully left in the house, but all amusement and car crash TV will leave when Leo is booted? I don’t give Dirk or Shilpa long if Leo has to leave. Shilpa tries to reassure Dirk, cue more sweet flirting followed by evil stares from Danielle. Unfortunately it all gets a bit too much for Leo who, like a distressed Jack Russell, demands clean underpants – is refused and his only option is to prise open a wall with a sweeping brush, never to be seen again. Oh Leo, if only you’d swept Goody out with you.
Thank goodness Carole is kicked out. Jade’s face is a picture. Danielle isn’t happy though and after a pointless and embittered row with Shilpa (told you it’d be her fault!!) decides that Shilpa is “only the cook” and a “Dog”. Charming Danielle. Clearly Teddy is with you for your boobs only – even he, a wooden top, ageing footballer with weasel features and charisma bypass couldn’t find anything remotely nice in your personality.
Carole gushes in her interview about how wrong she was regarding Jade and Danielle when she slated them in her paper. No Carole, you were right all along and they fooled you – a tabloid hack hoodwinked by grotesque press-whore with the face of a Rottweiler and the voice of a forklift truck in reverse gear!
A sense of calm is resorted to the house when Jermaine, Shilpa and Dirk sit and discuss life, love and the world. This is what Big Brother could have been – intelligence and clarity. We’ve seen the binge drinking, duvet fumbling, girl-on-girl, fully frontal, food throwing, carpet vomiting generation series after series. It no longer entertains. Here is a chance to show something of genuine interest for anyone who has even a remnant of brain and it is immediately ruined by the arrival of the Goody clan. If only Ken had called Pest Control.
Dirk and Shilpa’s cards are marked. It’s clear that both with be nominated and the gaggle of bitches will win out. Dirk seems forlorn. Stick it out Dirk, you could crap a more dignified and wholesome specimen than Jack/Jade/Danielle. With any luck Jack may be up for eviction too – and then out! His “best bits” will last all of ten seconds but will be followed by Endemol’s gimp, Davina, telling Jack how ‘amazing’ he was:
“Yes Jack, I especially liked the bit where you called Shilpa a w*nker and a P*ki! Oh, and lets not forget the fun we had when you ejaculated on Jade’s leg!!!”
Feeling suicidal? Prefer to gnaw your own flesh? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Dirk does his exercises. Jade walks past and asks him if it makes him feel better. Dirk has the audacity to shrug. Uh oh Dirk, big mistake you have now incurred the wrath of Goody and the Endemol crew. True to form Jade flees to the bedroom with her coven of hags and begins to annihilate Dirk again regarding the whisky saga. She’s slipping though; she mentions he will be shown on the highlights. Come on Jade, don’t give the game away. Some idiots out there still think you are a nice girl and not a scheming, manipulative, money obsessed harridan with a vacuous neo-racist boyfriend and glorified bag of spanners for a mother! Thankfully for Dirk, sensible Jermaine Jackson points out the gap opening up in the group – Jade’s Gang vs. everyone else, only to be remedied by Carole being evicted.
Sadly, Crazy Leo is certain he will go and the polls indicate he will as well. Oh good, so not only do we have the Bermondsey Bully left in the house, but all amusement and car crash TV will leave when Leo is booted? I don’t give Dirk or Shilpa long if Leo has to leave. Shilpa tries to reassure Dirk, cue more sweet flirting followed by evil stares from Danielle. Unfortunately it all gets a bit too much for Leo who, like a distressed Jack Russell, demands clean underpants – is refused and his only option is to prise open a wall with a sweeping brush, never to be seen again. Oh Leo, if only you’d swept Goody out with you.
Thank goodness Carole is kicked out. Jade’s face is a picture. Danielle isn’t happy though and after a pointless and embittered row with Shilpa (told you it’d be her fault!!) decides that Shilpa is “only the cook” and a “Dog”. Charming Danielle. Clearly Teddy is with you for your boobs only – even he, a wooden top, ageing footballer with weasel features and charisma bypass couldn’t find anything remotely nice in your personality.
Carole gushes in her interview about how wrong she was regarding Jade and Danielle when she slated them in her paper. No Carole, you were right all along and they fooled you – a tabloid hack hoodwinked by grotesque press-whore with the face of a Rottweiler and the voice of a forklift truck in reverse gear!
A sense of calm is resorted to the house when Jermaine, Shilpa and Dirk sit and discuss life, love and the world. This is what Big Brother could have been – intelligence and clarity. We’ve seen the binge drinking, duvet fumbling, girl-on-girl, fully frontal, food throwing, carpet vomiting generation series after series. It no longer entertains. Here is a chance to show something of genuine interest for anyone who has even a remnant of brain and it is immediately ruined by the arrival of the Goody clan. If only Ken had called Pest Control.
Dirk and Shilpa’s cards are marked. It’s clear that both with be nominated and the gaggle of bitches will win out. Dirk seems forlorn. Stick it out Dirk, you could crap a more dignified and wholesome specimen than Jack/Jade/Danielle. With any luck Jack may be up for eviction too – and then out! His “best bits” will last all of ten seconds but will be followed by Endemol’s gimp, Davina, telling Jack how ‘amazing’ he was:
“Yes Jack, I especially liked the bit where you called Shilpa a w*nker and a P*ki! Oh, and lets not forget the fun we had when you ejaculated on Jade’s leg!!!”
Feeling suicidal? Prefer to gnaw your own flesh? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Thursday 11 January 2007
CBB5: Day 9: 11th Jan 2007
Cleo looks shamefaced. She just asked Ian what it was like to ‘come out’ and instantly regretted it as Ian began to reel off his entire life story. Apparently everything is “amazing.” After Cleo dies of boredom Ian goes off to exercise with a dumbbell and Danielle – or are they one and the same? Jade exercises demonstrating The Plank – not Jack, but a ‘core stability’ workout. Come on Jade, we know you’ve had your fat legs and arse sucked out; you can stop pretending to be Paula Radcliffe now. If only they’d sucked out your brain too…
Leo declares that he does not need to watch soap operas because his life is “exciting enough.” He goes on, “I dreamt last night I had a pillow on my face." If only Leo, if only. The housemates are gathered to nominate. Danielle goes first which causes hours of confusion since Carole and Cleo are first alphabetically. By the time it comes to Jack’s nomination, Cleo has worked out she and Carole are being punished and seems visibly upset. The group decide to choose Carole over Cleo to face the public vote.
Shilpa, now firmly ensconced into the role of the house scapegoat, is blamed for this as she was sat near Cleo and Carole when they discussed nomination so she should be punished too! Jo, Danielle and Jade make a big deal out of crying because they are so upset that a woman they don’t know is facing eviction! Dani calls Shilpa a ‘scum bag’ and Jade, clearly wanting to continue her mother’s racist roots, impersonates Shilpa’s accent like some bizarre sketch from a 1970s sitcom.
Everyone stands in a crowd round Shilpa like the playground bully-bitches of old. Apparently it is her fault that Carole is up – never mind that Ian, Dirk, Leo, Jo voted for Carole too. Shilpa is demolished and Jade grins – her bullying expertise have worked again. Jermaine Jackson, a man of infinite calm and wisdom, comforts Shilpa, as she weeps in the toilet utterly alone. Shades of Sophie in BB3 methinks.
Dirk and Leo are also up for eviction. Jade rubs her hands in glee – she later engineers a nasty stand up row with Dirk over some whisky – that she doesn’t even want to drink! Her next victim is in her sights and her harem of moronic desperados agree with her assertions and the ramblings of her deeply offensive boyfriend. Demented Leo has entertained me non-stop, but sadly it seems he might go. Jade is so sure that Carole will stay I hope to hell she won’t – sorry Carole!
After Jade has managed to shout Dirk off to bed, she and her coven of Jo, Cleo, Carole and Danielle sit a slate him, certain he’ll be evicted. I’ve never despised anyone as much as Jade ‘The Gob’ Goody. If she’s on TV much more I will glue my own eyelids shut. In fact, if she’s on TV much more I will destroy my TV and go and live underground!
Let’s end on a joke.
Q: How do you get a fat girl into bed?
Q: Piece of cake!
Sick of Jade Goody’s Gob? Stopped watching BB? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Leo declares that he does not need to watch soap operas because his life is “exciting enough.” He goes on, “I dreamt last night I had a pillow on my face." If only Leo, if only. The housemates are gathered to nominate. Danielle goes first which causes hours of confusion since Carole and Cleo are first alphabetically. By the time it comes to Jack’s nomination, Cleo has worked out she and Carole are being punished and seems visibly upset. The group decide to choose Carole over Cleo to face the public vote.
Shilpa, now firmly ensconced into the role of the house scapegoat, is blamed for this as she was sat near Cleo and Carole when they discussed nomination so she should be punished too! Jo, Danielle and Jade make a big deal out of crying because they are so upset that a woman they don’t know is facing eviction! Dani calls Shilpa a ‘scum bag’ and Jade, clearly wanting to continue her mother’s racist roots, impersonates Shilpa’s accent like some bizarre sketch from a 1970s sitcom.
Everyone stands in a crowd round Shilpa like the playground bully-bitches of old. Apparently it is her fault that Carole is up – never mind that Ian, Dirk, Leo, Jo voted for Carole too. Shilpa is demolished and Jade grins – her bullying expertise have worked again. Jermaine Jackson, a man of infinite calm and wisdom, comforts Shilpa, as she weeps in the toilet utterly alone. Shades of Sophie in BB3 methinks.
Dirk and Leo are also up for eviction. Jade rubs her hands in glee – she later engineers a nasty stand up row with Dirk over some whisky – that she doesn’t even want to drink! Her next victim is in her sights and her harem of moronic desperados agree with her assertions and the ramblings of her deeply offensive boyfriend. Demented Leo has entertained me non-stop, but sadly it seems he might go. Jade is so sure that Carole will stay I hope to hell she won’t – sorry Carole!
After Jade has managed to shout Dirk off to bed, she and her coven of Jo, Cleo, Carole and Danielle sit a slate him, certain he’ll be evicted. I’ve never despised anyone as much as Jade ‘The Gob’ Goody. If she’s on TV much more I will glue my own eyelids shut. In fact, if she’s on TV much more I will destroy my TV and go and live underground!
Let’s end on a joke.
Q: How do you get a fat girl into bed?
Q: Piece of cake!
Sick of Jade Goody’s Gob? Stopped watching BB? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
CBB5: Day 8: 10th Jan 2007
Jack is on dangerous ground. In the early hours of Day 8 he decided to relieve Shilpa’s back pain with a foot massage (as in walking up her back). Jade looks on like an angry yard dog – jowls wobbling, nose pinking, gnashers ready for the kill. She goes to the Diary Room and spends an inordinately long amount of time in there. Well, she’s an old pro now aint she? She knows that will be great highlights for her – especially if she cries. Jackiey, always desperate to muscle in on her daughter’s screen time, follows suit.
Leo talks about himself for about thirty-eight hours before he finally retires. When everyone wakes the next day, Ian decides to do his exercises, pulling a face that can only be described as something akin to crapping a pineapple. Jermiane declares that he wants to do a “lot of laughing” today. Sorry Jermaine, you’re in the wrong place for that unless you count a Leo Sayer self-delusional rant the height of amusement. (Actually, I do.)
The excitement level ratchets up a notch – yes, Cleo discusses where to buy false eye lashes and Carole tells a wonderfully entertaining and interesting story about an arctic lorry reversing. Shilpa makes a curry and gets a round of applause, except from Jackiey whose scrawny backside has once again seemingly become attached to the Diary Room chair.
Leo wanders around, looking for someone to talk to. He spots Jermaine and jabbers away as Jermaine tries to carefully back off. Leo doesn’t take the hint and follows until Jermaine accidentally backs himself into a corner. Leo reveals that his friends don’t visit him in Sydney because they think he’d be “too busy” because there are so many TV shows and Radio programmes who want him. Well of course – no one does a high voice like Leo Sayer, eh, Leo? Jermaine is forced to chew his own fist in anticipation of at least a second of silence.
Ian continues his transformation into Jade Goody’s simpering bitch. If he utters any more compliments Jade will dissolve. Second thoughts keep going Ian. The rest of them decide to play a game of “Do You Know Who I Am?” Never was a title of a game so apt for this bunch of jokers.
Later, Davina comes on air to grin and bob around. Every time she moves you can see Jackiey laying into Shilpa in the background on the screens. None of this bothers the rent-a-mob crowd who seem to regard Jackiey and Jade as some sort of bastion of healthy debate, lively intellect and dignified behaviour. Shilpa is roundly booed – for what exactly? Being on the receiving end of an unflattering Endemol edit and a jabbering racist rant from Jackiey?
I had a quick look in my toilet and, true enough, there was all that is good and decent waiting to be flushed away. Mercifully some of the British public don’t agree with the morons who hang around Elstree and Jackiey is evicted with the lowest support - lower than Jack! Cue Jade being “heartbroken” and Shilpa being “to blame”. Jack says more in one minute after Jackiey’s departure than he has in the last week!
Davina bigs Jackiey up after her ‘interview.’ I’ve witnessed camels giving more graceful and eloquent interviews. The crowd boo Shilpa, Jackiey refers to her as “Indian” and everyone finds it amusing. “You’ve been a great housemate,” Davina coos. Yes, Davina but she’s not a patch on Hitler is she? He was a legendary housemate, all that goose-stepping and goading? It’s a scandal he didn’t win.
Jackiey is cheered again as she is ushered off. Hey crowd, next up Oswald Moseley and his Black Shirts followed by Enoch Powell and the Rivers of Blood crew! Davina gurns to the camera that Cleo and Carole will be punished at midnight. Gullible people stay up until midnight to find out how and…quelle surprise! No one is punished. Instead Jo sulks and moans because Danielle has become the new queen of farting. Dirk stands in the garden espousing guns, smoking and the lack of speed limits in Montana. He launches into an anti-liberal tirade and tells a shocked Cleo he doesn’t believe in foreign aid. Oh well done Dirk, that’ll go in the edit. Anything to make Jade look better.
Disgusted at society? Couldn’t give a toss? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Leo talks about himself for about thirty-eight hours before he finally retires. When everyone wakes the next day, Ian decides to do his exercises, pulling a face that can only be described as something akin to crapping a pineapple. Jermiane declares that he wants to do a “lot of laughing” today. Sorry Jermaine, you’re in the wrong place for that unless you count a Leo Sayer self-delusional rant the height of amusement. (Actually, I do.)
The excitement level ratchets up a notch – yes, Cleo discusses where to buy false eye lashes and Carole tells a wonderfully entertaining and interesting story about an arctic lorry reversing. Shilpa makes a curry and gets a round of applause, except from Jackiey whose scrawny backside has once again seemingly become attached to the Diary Room chair.
Leo wanders around, looking for someone to talk to. He spots Jermaine and jabbers away as Jermaine tries to carefully back off. Leo doesn’t take the hint and follows until Jermaine accidentally backs himself into a corner. Leo reveals that his friends don’t visit him in Sydney because they think he’d be “too busy” because there are so many TV shows and Radio programmes who want him. Well of course – no one does a high voice like Leo Sayer, eh, Leo? Jermaine is forced to chew his own fist in anticipation of at least a second of silence.
Ian continues his transformation into Jade Goody’s simpering bitch. If he utters any more compliments Jade will dissolve. Second thoughts keep going Ian. The rest of them decide to play a game of “Do You Know Who I Am?” Never was a title of a game so apt for this bunch of jokers.
Later, Davina comes on air to grin and bob around. Every time she moves you can see Jackiey laying into Shilpa in the background on the screens. None of this bothers the rent-a-mob crowd who seem to regard Jackiey and Jade as some sort of bastion of healthy debate, lively intellect and dignified behaviour. Shilpa is roundly booed – for what exactly? Being on the receiving end of an unflattering Endemol edit and a jabbering racist rant from Jackiey?
I had a quick look in my toilet and, true enough, there was all that is good and decent waiting to be flushed away. Mercifully some of the British public don’t agree with the morons who hang around Elstree and Jackiey is evicted with the lowest support - lower than Jack! Cue Jade being “heartbroken” and Shilpa being “to blame”. Jack says more in one minute after Jackiey’s departure than he has in the last week!
Davina bigs Jackiey up after her ‘interview.’ I’ve witnessed camels giving more graceful and eloquent interviews. The crowd boo Shilpa, Jackiey refers to her as “Indian” and everyone finds it amusing. “You’ve been a great housemate,” Davina coos. Yes, Davina but she’s not a patch on Hitler is she? He was a legendary housemate, all that goose-stepping and goading? It’s a scandal he didn’t win.
Jackiey is cheered again as she is ushered off. Hey crowd, next up Oswald Moseley and his Black Shirts followed by Enoch Powell and the Rivers of Blood crew! Davina gurns to the camera that Cleo and Carole will be punished at midnight. Gullible people stay up until midnight to find out how and…quelle surprise! No one is punished. Instead Jo sulks and moans because Danielle has become the new queen of farting. Dirk stands in the garden espousing guns, smoking and the lack of speed limits in Montana. He launches into an anti-liberal tirade and tells a shocked Cleo he doesn’t believe in foreign aid. Oh well done Dirk, that’ll go in the edit. Anything to make Jade look better.
Disgusted at society? Couldn’t give a toss? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Tuesday 9 January 2007
CBB5: Day 7: Jan 9th 2007
“People will see that you are very genuine, caring and honest” Ian tells Jackiey. Surely this is another of Ian’s comedy moments. Haven’t we all seen that Jackiey is in fact vulgar, ignorant, patronising and loud?
Jade begins to sound out her housemates, telling Danielle she doesn’t trust Shilpa and she “gonna av it out wiv her!” Oh dear, a repeat of Big Brother 3 is on the horizon – Jade’s claws sharpening, posse in position and full on bullying ready to break out! Hasn’t the woman learned anything from her treatment of poor Sophie? And now Shilpa’s going to be on the receiving end, with Mother Goody as second. Poor girl, she gets my vote. Mother Goody takes Ian outside to do her hourly bitch of Shilpa. Ian tries to lighten the mood by pretending not to understand and then ropes a confused looking Jermiane into a conversation about weather.
Danielle agrees with Jade, looks like the Goody’s have an anti-Shilpa voting recruit, but Dani’s not happy. She wants some reciprocal anti-Leo members. Hmmm – it will be Leo, Shilpa and Jackiey up next I tells ya. I feels it in my bones.
Carol and Jo feel uneasy with the atmosphere but agree not to interfere. It’s too late though, Shilpa knows something is wrong and the group divide opens. She seeks comfort with Carol, Cleo and Leo who – for once – allows her to speak. “Jackiey’s only aggressive with me” she says. Of course she is Shilpa dear; you’re young, smart, intelligent and successful. These are concepts Jackiey and her loathsome daughter can only dream of.
Jermaine is dealt a body blow when Jackiey says she thinks of him like an uncle. Poor Jermaine, isn’t his family dysfunctional enough without the Beast of Bermondsey joining it? Besides he can’t be that much older than Jackiey, surely. (She’s ‘ad a ‘ard life, innit? It’s all in Jade’s book!)
Dirk decides to sport an ill advised goatee beard.
By the evening Jade launches into yet another bitch-fest about Shilpa. Holding court to her jester (Ian) and Bimbo in Waiting (Danielle) and displaying more ignorance than is surely possible, she declares “these celebrities who hang on to fame should just let go of the limelight.” Good God woman – heed thyself and bugger off then!
Jermaine reveals that he has tigers, giraffes and parrots. If only he’d brought them – we might have had some entertaining conversations. By nighttime the housemates are all locked in the bedroom. Excitement! Danielle thinks Teddy will be coming in. Instead Big Brother decides to create another anti-climax and a box of red wigs and 80s clothing is delivered instead so everyone can dress up. Jack's 'personality' emerges with a lacklustre Cilla Black impersonation. It's like she's in the room. No. Seriously. Jackiey manages more Shilpa digs, “it doesn’t suit you” “You look like a schoolgirl” “don’t call me 'she' my names Jackiey.” Argh – get this thing off my screen.
Finally they are called to the living room for a task – a maths task! Ten pairs of eyes dart toward Jade and Jackiey – there is almost an audible shared thought of “we have no chance!” They have to answer questions about themselves in order to complete the sum. Cue infinite shouting and shushing and Carole taking charge. No one can add up. Danielle doesn’t care because she’s drunk. Naturally, they get the answer wrong. Jackiey uses it to blame Shilpa again and everyone goes to bed.
Roll on tomorrow and, fingers crossed, an end to one of the Goody’s.
Care? Don’t care? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Jade begins to sound out her housemates, telling Danielle she doesn’t trust Shilpa and she “gonna av it out wiv her!” Oh dear, a repeat of Big Brother 3 is on the horizon – Jade’s claws sharpening, posse in position and full on bullying ready to break out! Hasn’t the woman learned anything from her treatment of poor Sophie? And now Shilpa’s going to be on the receiving end, with Mother Goody as second. Poor girl, she gets my vote. Mother Goody takes Ian outside to do her hourly bitch of Shilpa. Ian tries to lighten the mood by pretending not to understand and then ropes a confused looking Jermiane into a conversation about weather.
Danielle agrees with Jade, looks like the Goody’s have an anti-Shilpa voting recruit, but Dani’s not happy. She wants some reciprocal anti-Leo members. Hmmm – it will be Leo, Shilpa and Jackiey up next I tells ya. I feels it in my bones.
Carol and Jo feel uneasy with the atmosphere but agree not to interfere. It’s too late though, Shilpa knows something is wrong and the group divide opens. She seeks comfort with Carol, Cleo and Leo who – for once – allows her to speak. “Jackiey’s only aggressive with me” she says. Of course she is Shilpa dear; you’re young, smart, intelligent and successful. These are concepts Jackiey and her loathsome daughter can only dream of.
Jermaine is dealt a body blow when Jackiey says she thinks of him like an uncle. Poor Jermaine, isn’t his family dysfunctional enough without the Beast of Bermondsey joining it? Besides he can’t be that much older than Jackiey, surely. (She’s ‘ad a ‘ard life, innit? It’s all in Jade’s book!)
Dirk decides to sport an ill advised goatee beard.
By the evening Jade launches into yet another bitch-fest about Shilpa. Holding court to her jester (Ian) and Bimbo in Waiting (Danielle) and displaying more ignorance than is surely possible, she declares “these celebrities who hang on to fame should just let go of the limelight.” Good God woman – heed thyself and bugger off then!
Jermaine reveals that he has tigers, giraffes and parrots. If only he’d brought them – we might have had some entertaining conversations. By nighttime the housemates are all locked in the bedroom. Excitement! Danielle thinks Teddy will be coming in. Instead Big Brother decides to create another anti-climax and a box of red wigs and 80s clothing is delivered instead so everyone can dress up. Jack's 'personality' emerges with a lacklustre Cilla Black impersonation. It's like she's in the room. No. Seriously. Jackiey manages more Shilpa digs, “it doesn’t suit you” “You look like a schoolgirl” “don’t call me 'she' my names Jackiey.” Argh – get this thing off my screen.
Finally they are called to the living room for a task – a maths task! Ten pairs of eyes dart toward Jade and Jackiey – there is almost an audible shared thought of “we have no chance!” They have to answer questions about themselves in order to complete the sum. Cue infinite shouting and shushing and Carole taking charge. No one can add up. Danielle doesn’t care because she’s drunk. Naturally, they get the answer wrong. Jackiey uses it to blame Shilpa again and everyone goes to bed.
Roll on tomorrow and, fingers crossed, an end to one of the Goody’s.
Care? Don’t care? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Monday 8 January 2007
CBB5: Day 6: 8th Jan 2007
“Great repartee is about listening as well as talking" a frustrated Dirk tells Leo. He’s on dangerous ground, old Dirk. Last time he pointed this out to Leo the hyperactive one went on strike. Dirk is clearly too polite to let rip and tries to be amiable but his body language speaks volumes; it screams, “shut up you annoying little man! Stop making things up, stop interrupting me and stop being inappropriate with Danielle.” Instead he simply smiles.
Carole isn’t as genial. She’s ready to give Leo a “bunch of fives” if he says anything else and I believe it may well happen. Poor Leo really has turned into the sad clown who, alone during the nightshift climbs under the table to hide, tuts and mumbles and sticks his head into the camera as if he’s daring it to say something. There is now a visible gap between the group and Leo. The only people who actually want to talk to him are the “mini-celebs” he hates so much. I am, however, actually looking forward to a Jackiey and Leo talkfest where one interrupts and shouts over the other until one of them spontaneously combusts.
Dirk amuses himself by more endless flirting with Shilpa. “I want you in my harem” he tells her before potting some plants and painting a coat of arms. Shilpa smiles sweetly with a look of ‘silly old man, I’m on my way up and you’re not going to stop the ascent’. Everyone is touched by the blossoming, yet one-sided love story except Leo who is still angry. “I’m here under false pretences,” he whines. Really Leo? Thought this would be a cabaret cruise did you? Didn’t realise it was a Big Brother despite it being called, er, Big Brother? Get a grip man! He then launches into another rant about how the celebrities should still be well treated. Carole, to her credit tells him the fact they are celebrities guarantees them crappy treatment but Leo isn’t happy and stomps his feet in petulance.
A strange gurgling noise permeates the air. Cleo looks at the sink in panic, probably wondering if she washed the chicken remainders down the pipe by mistake. Crisis averted! It’s only Jo, suddenly becoming overwhelmed by it all. There have been a lot of tears this year, Jade, Jackiey, Shilpa, Cleo, Jo and Danielle – the viewers. Bring back the hard faced mob of Pete Burns, George Galloway and Dennis Rodman.
Finally the mind numbingly pointless servants task ends and the house reunites. Jackiey follows Jermiane around like a demented puppy, yapping and yapping at his feet until he has no choice but to talk to Ian about the best way to fold trousers, hoping he can bore Jackiey out of the room. Jack’s face lights up at the sight of Danielle. Hmmm. How long before an almighty Jade V Jack V Danielle bitch fight starts? I wouldn’t be too adverse – it would give Jack a purpose at least.
The task results are announced, Carol, Ian, Cleo, Dirk and Danielle all pass which is a miracle considering Danielle spent most of the task in bed whining and not wearing her uniform. Anyone get the feeling the BB bosses realise a drink fuelled party, rather than strict adherence to rules may be what this show needs for a kick start?
Jo fails for allowing Ken to make his own food. Leo fails due to falling asleep on shift – neither look to happy at the prospect that they may be shut in a room together away from the party.
The group are awarded with a takeaway menu and champagne. Jackiey asks, “Dirk what would you like Asian, Chinese or Indian?" “Indian.” He replies, looking at Shilpa. “Food, not women” Shilpa carefully responds. Dirk gallantly refuses Shilpa’s beer when she offers it to him – not that he is trying to get her drunk at all. Once again he is left devastated when she reveals she doesn’t drink. Shilpa has bigger things to worry about – she’s said f*** three times now and the Indian press will crucify her. Jade has to sit outside. The thought of her mother mixing with alcohol has clearly made her terrified. Her oh-so-supportive boyfriend Jack stands ten feet away from her and listens impassively (of course) to her concerns whilst keeping his eye out for Dani.
The party ends as predictably as the entire show – with a whimper. Nearly everyone is ready for bed by midnight. Still, at least Leo has managed to jolly himself up again. Dirk and Carole have an impassioned and deeply fascinating conversation about parental influence on a child’s lust for fame. So, with all the certainty of England Ashes defeat, the Big Brother bosses pan away and focus on Shilpa’s eyelids, struggling to remain open as Leo drones on, and on, and on, and on, and on…
Glad the task is over? Missing Ken yet? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Carole isn’t as genial. She’s ready to give Leo a “bunch of fives” if he says anything else and I believe it may well happen. Poor Leo really has turned into the sad clown who, alone during the nightshift climbs under the table to hide, tuts and mumbles and sticks his head into the camera as if he’s daring it to say something. There is now a visible gap between the group and Leo. The only people who actually want to talk to him are the “mini-celebs” he hates so much. I am, however, actually looking forward to a Jackiey and Leo talkfest where one interrupts and shouts over the other until one of them spontaneously combusts.
Dirk amuses himself by more endless flirting with Shilpa. “I want you in my harem” he tells her before potting some plants and painting a coat of arms. Shilpa smiles sweetly with a look of ‘silly old man, I’m on my way up and you’re not going to stop the ascent’. Everyone is touched by the blossoming, yet one-sided love story except Leo who is still angry. “I’m here under false pretences,” he whines. Really Leo? Thought this would be a cabaret cruise did you? Didn’t realise it was a Big Brother despite it being called, er, Big Brother? Get a grip man! He then launches into another rant about how the celebrities should still be well treated. Carole, to her credit tells him the fact they are celebrities guarantees them crappy treatment but Leo isn’t happy and stomps his feet in petulance.
A strange gurgling noise permeates the air. Cleo looks at the sink in panic, probably wondering if she washed the chicken remainders down the pipe by mistake. Crisis averted! It’s only Jo, suddenly becoming overwhelmed by it all. There have been a lot of tears this year, Jade, Jackiey, Shilpa, Cleo, Jo and Danielle – the viewers. Bring back the hard faced mob of Pete Burns, George Galloway and Dennis Rodman.
Finally the mind numbingly pointless servants task ends and the house reunites. Jackiey follows Jermiane around like a demented puppy, yapping and yapping at his feet until he has no choice but to talk to Ian about the best way to fold trousers, hoping he can bore Jackiey out of the room. Jack’s face lights up at the sight of Danielle. Hmmm. How long before an almighty Jade V Jack V Danielle bitch fight starts? I wouldn’t be too adverse – it would give Jack a purpose at least.
The task results are announced, Carol, Ian, Cleo, Dirk and Danielle all pass which is a miracle considering Danielle spent most of the task in bed whining and not wearing her uniform. Anyone get the feeling the BB bosses realise a drink fuelled party, rather than strict adherence to rules may be what this show needs for a kick start?
Jo fails for allowing Ken to make his own food. Leo fails due to falling asleep on shift – neither look to happy at the prospect that they may be shut in a room together away from the party.
The group are awarded with a takeaway menu and champagne. Jackiey asks, “Dirk what would you like Asian, Chinese or Indian?" “Indian.” He replies, looking at Shilpa. “Food, not women” Shilpa carefully responds. Dirk gallantly refuses Shilpa’s beer when she offers it to him – not that he is trying to get her drunk at all. Once again he is left devastated when she reveals she doesn’t drink. Shilpa has bigger things to worry about – she’s said f*** three times now and the Indian press will crucify her. Jade has to sit outside. The thought of her mother mixing with alcohol has clearly made her terrified. Her oh-so-supportive boyfriend Jack stands ten feet away from her and listens impassively (of course) to her concerns whilst keeping his eye out for Dani.
The party ends as predictably as the entire show – with a whimper. Nearly everyone is ready for bed by midnight. Still, at least Leo has managed to jolly himself up again. Dirk and Carole have an impassioned and deeply fascinating conversation about parental influence on a child’s lust for fame. So, with all the certainty of England Ashes defeat, the Big Brother bosses pan away and focus on Shilpa’s eyelids, struggling to remain open as Leo drones on, and on, and on, and on, and on…
Glad the task is over? Missing Ken yet? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Sunday 7 January 2007
CBB5: Day 5: 7th Jan 2007
“It’s her or me.” Ken Russell said to Big Brother when trying to explain why he wanted to leave the house. “She’s evil!” He continued. He was, of course, talking about Jackiey who has managed to insult, humiliate and annoy just about everyone in the house. Ken was the one who seemed to be coping but it all became too much. Big Brother, clearly not seeing sense, decided it would be better to let Ken go. Yes, funny, witty entertaining Ken with a wealth of stories, intellect and talent. Jackiey Goody and her swearing, burping, farting and inarticulate ramblings are much better aren’t they?
Ken also had a mighty fall out with Jade because she accused him of being inconsiderate when he made his own crackers instead of the servants doing it. Jade may have been right, but I’d also be put out if Jade Goody, queen of being inconsiderate, was saying it to me.
Carole reads out a laminate explaining that the Goody grandparents will be coming for a banquet that evening. Heaven forefend! There is an audible silence before everyone begins to bow their heads in dismay. Now Ken has gone there are more Goody’s than not.
The rest of the group tease Dirk and get him to admit he has a soft spot for Shilpa. “No, I just love her laugh” he blushes. No one believes him. He tells Shilpa that if she wants to rejoin them in the House Next Door he can help. He can either marry her or adopt her. His little heart breaks when she says ‘adopt’. Dirk seeks solace in Demon Leo who is still recovering from the all night service he had to provide to the Goody family.
Carole drags her servants back into the house to prepare the food for the Goody grandparents and Jackiey fusses, interferes and generally annoys. Danielle has another rare moment of insight and states that she feels Leo is playing up to the camera for his future career. “Perhaps he can bring his singles back out!” Oh, she aint so daft. Later, she decides not to stay in Leo’s company for too long because he “keeps talking sex” to her. I’m shuddering as I write – seriously.
An hour passes and there is still no sign of the Grandparents. Dirk and Carole are so bored they resort to discussing reservoirs. Jo and Shilpa sigh. Ian bonds with Jackiey over nothing in particular. Nothing much happens except an exasperated Cleo who looks ready to knock Leo out if he won’t drop his mime act. It’s understandable; it’s like watching a second rate Coco the Clown.
Jo gets the impression that Jackiey fancies her and worries she might faint. “The last time I nearly passed out was when my bitch was in labour,” she reveals. "Who?” Says Ian. “Jackiey?" I take back my previous remarks, Ian is a comedy genius. Dirk, like the viewer can no longer be bothered to wait for the grandparents and takes himself off to bed. Suddenly the camera can’t keep away from him. Well, come on, if he goes to bed a few hundred thousand women will turn off.
The Big Brother bosses won’t pan back to the main house though so we are all spared a live streaming of the chimps tea party. Another half million people kick themselves and switch the live feed off. Why are we staying up to watch two barrow boys who had the unfortunate luck to spawn Jackiey eat a meal with their family, a Bollywood star and a member of the Jackson Five? No reason. Let’s go to bed. Endemol have a lot of pro-Goody and anti-Shilpa editing to prepare for the highlights tomorrow. Mark my words.
Bored of BB? Loving the twist? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Ken also had a mighty fall out with Jade because she accused him of being inconsiderate when he made his own crackers instead of the servants doing it. Jade may have been right, but I’d also be put out if Jade Goody, queen of being inconsiderate, was saying it to me.
Carole reads out a laminate explaining that the Goody grandparents will be coming for a banquet that evening. Heaven forefend! There is an audible silence before everyone begins to bow their heads in dismay. Now Ken has gone there are more Goody’s than not.
The rest of the group tease Dirk and get him to admit he has a soft spot for Shilpa. “No, I just love her laugh” he blushes. No one believes him. He tells Shilpa that if she wants to rejoin them in the House Next Door he can help. He can either marry her or adopt her. His little heart breaks when she says ‘adopt’. Dirk seeks solace in Demon Leo who is still recovering from the all night service he had to provide to the Goody family.
Carole drags her servants back into the house to prepare the food for the Goody grandparents and Jackiey fusses, interferes and generally annoys. Danielle has another rare moment of insight and states that she feels Leo is playing up to the camera for his future career. “Perhaps he can bring his singles back out!” Oh, she aint so daft. Later, she decides not to stay in Leo’s company for too long because he “keeps talking sex” to her. I’m shuddering as I write – seriously.
An hour passes and there is still no sign of the Grandparents. Dirk and Carole are so bored they resort to discussing reservoirs. Jo and Shilpa sigh. Ian bonds with Jackiey over nothing in particular. Nothing much happens except an exasperated Cleo who looks ready to knock Leo out if he won’t drop his mime act. It’s understandable; it’s like watching a second rate Coco the Clown.
Jo gets the impression that Jackiey fancies her and worries she might faint. “The last time I nearly passed out was when my bitch was in labour,” she reveals. "Who?” Says Ian. “Jackiey?" I take back my previous remarks, Ian is a comedy genius. Dirk, like the viewer can no longer be bothered to wait for the grandparents and takes himself off to bed. Suddenly the camera can’t keep away from him. Well, come on, if he goes to bed a few hundred thousand women will turn off.
The Big Brother bosses won’t pan back to the main house though so we are all spared a live streaming of the chimps tea party. Another half million people kick themselves and switch the live feed off. Why are we staying up to watch two barrow boys who had the unfortunate luck to spawn Jackiey eat a meal with their family, a Bollywood star and a member of the Jackson Five? No reason. Let’s go to bed. Endemol have a lot of pro-Goody and anti-Shilpa editing to prepare for the highlights tomorrow. Mark my words.
Bored of BB? Loving the twist? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
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