CBB5: Day 15: 17th Jan 2007

Jade’s rant, that seems to have gone on for about seventeen years, has caused unrest. Again. Dirk tries to diffuse things by talking about salad vegetables but gets the shock of his life when he opens his rice to find worms in there. Shilpa’s fault probably – along with my car exhaust going caput and those escapees from prison that were on the news earlier. The tension is palpable.

A wise man once said to me, “you get the face you deserve” and I think he is right. That is why Shilpa looks stunning and Jade and Jo look like…well, you know. Few people talk until Danielle gets an attack of ‘scripted’ guilt (or a tip off). They bitch again, despite Danielle hugging Shilpa with faux remorse and friendliness.

Nominations go ahead. Everyone is glum. I’m glum. I’m not sure I can watch much more of this. On the news, some fellas in India burn an effigy of what they claim is the show’s producers but could, quite honestly, be anyone. All effigies look the same to me! (Is that racist?) It’s so obvious that Jade and Shilpa will face each other in a vote off but Endemol refuse to confirm it.

Instead the housemates are given yet another pointless art task where the divide is only heightened more. Jack treats everyone to some witty insight, “is vomit ever blue?” For the love of all that is holy, that boy is sure a catch! Speculation is rife across the world – are more housemates going in? Is it a double eviction on Friday? Does anyone actually give a toss anymore? Did I actually start the mass hysteria by posting OfCom’s email address first? (Don’t tell anyone).

The art task ends as predictably as is possible. Booze is given out. The youngsters minus Ian drink and get vulgar in the living room. The adults minus Cleo have civilised and humorous conversations in the bedroom. Maybe I’m getting old, but I really don’t want to watch a bunch of morons burping, farting and talking about poo. I’d rather listen to lovely Dirk talking about being stabbed and his dog being eaten by a lion – or Jermaine’s tales of growing up in the Jackson house.

The sensible housemates retire whilst the tipsy muppets teeter around the living room entertaining no one but themselves. I get a tinge of sympathy for the poor Endemol camera staff who have to film this sh*t before brining myself to my senses when remembering what they get paid…from gullible phone voters.

Jade out? Shilpa out? Cancel the show? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk