Everyone gets up late and fusses about breakfast. I know people are on basic food rations but seriously; black coffee and museli really are not that engrossing. “This is my tenth wee this morning,” Ian declares. Cheers Ian, although, in fact, that is probably the only interesting thing that will be said all day. A chicken arrives which Shilpa wants to cook! Step away from the chicken Shilpa, learn your lesson! I blame Big Brother. For the love of all that is good just ban chickens!
Jermaine and Dirk go and talk in the garden. Jermaine reveals his kids' names. Jermaine Jr, Jermajesty, Jordyn and Jesus amongst them – his ninth child (9th – I thought he only had 8?!) is called Dave. Dave? After all those alliterative and frankly ridiculous names, child 9 gets Dave? Did he get bored at the registry office? “Well, when you get to your ninth child, it doesn’t really matter does it?”
Jade decides to use Shilpa’s face bleach to make Ian’s fringe blond. She asks to shave his chest too, but Ian wisely refuses. Ian ends up with a huge ginger spike in the middle of his forehead. Now we know why Jade’s salon lasted all of two minutes. Shilpa, now the subject of some ‘insider mole’ speculation, decides to go to the bedroom to help Jermaine with his clothes. She waxes lyrical about Dirk and what a “nice man” he is. Oh, the only nice thing about this painful show at the moment is the sweetly innocent ‘love’ blossoming between Dirk and Shilpa.
Jack and Cleo are called to the Diary Room and there is mass panic. Jade worries her beloved has been taken. If only, Jade, if only. The rest of the housemates are quickly called the living room when a helicopter can be heard outside. A message from The Sun? You betcha! When Cleo and Jack return, Cleo has an awfully red face. Oh no, Jack didn’t get too overexcited on her leg too, did he? The pair of them refuse to discuss their visit because Big Brother has told them not to. Nominations do not take place. Ian and Jo fall asleep – separately – only to have the alarm sound.
Dirk gets mean and masterful and claims if there are “any grumblings” over dinner he’ll leave. Danielle panics about the outside world, insisting to Cleo, “I’ve done nothing wrong!” Oh Dani girl…if only you knew. Meanwhile in the outside world one hundred million people complain to OfCom and a further four billion complain to Channel 4. Racism and bullying in the BB house dominates the news. MPs raise it in parliament. Anti-bullying campaigners declare Jade a bully. TV shows go crazy. Bandwagon? People power? You decide!
Back in the house where everyone remains oblivious, Jade tries to convince them that Shilpa is the mole. Dirk is not convinced and states that it must be Jade because she “came in late, forced people out, always claims this or that will happen and then mentions moles.” Dirk is too popular to be questioned. He cleaned the toilet out so everyone loves him. I love him. A man who cleans the toilet? Perfect.
Jade deciding that she’s is going to be boss and not Shilpa, uses three out of four of Shilpa’s remaining stock cubes. Shilpa isn’t happy as she only ordered those (and some veg for Jermaine). Jade doesn’t care she rants and raves like the howling banshee of unreasonableness that she is – with Dumb and Dumber laughing in the background. “You aint no princess here!” Jade shrieks. “You’re a liar and a fake!” she screams over and over and over and over and over. Shilpa remains remarkably calm; how she does it I don’t know. If I were in that house, Jade Gobmonster would have been wearing her own teeth for earrings by now. “You know what Jade?” Shilpa retorts. “Your claim to fame is this show! Well done!” Ouch. Brilliant.
Being as ignorant as is physically and mentally possible, Jade continues to bitch and bitch and bitch with Jo Manic Depressive and Danielle Dipshit. Shilpa remains calms and plays with the grown ups, Dirk, Jermaine and Ian in the bedroom. Cleo, the human jellyfish, flits around refusing to believe anything is wrong anywhere in the world. But then, this is Cleo a woman who was in love with a gay man all her adult life. A woman who can actually bear to talk to Jack for more than thirty seconds without wanting to vomit. Note to producers: Cleo is not of this world.
When the grown ups have gone to bed, Jade, Danielle and Jo begin to whisper but its too high pitched and painful that even Jo’s dogs would struggle to understand. BB sees all though and the girls are called one by one to the Diary Room. Hmmm, I smells a rat. Endemol running scared? Warning the girls about the outside world’s reaction? Sorry to be cruel, but the bullies made their stinking nasty beds, let them lie in it, says I! Obviously after the ‘warning’ turns out to be a tip off the girls are given booze. I’d like to think the producers are hoping the girls will hoist themselves by their own petards, but it stinks like a reward for bullying,
I’m more than a little proud at people power…bullying and racism, no matter how borderline, are wrong and should be pointed out. I’m not even too concerned if Big Brother doesn’t return. The last four years have consisted of nothing more than arguing and nastiness and quite frankly, it is tedious.
Did you complain? Do not care in the slightest? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
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