CBB5: Day 12: 14th Jan 2007

Shilpa makes chicken again. Danielle is annoyed, as she wanted to make the roast. Danielle is allowed to do the potatoes, which turn out to be burned and greasy. Hmm, perhaps it’s best you don’t cook the chicken. Jade, Jo and Dani decide they have no option but to sit in their coven and bitch because “Shilpa’s only doing this to get her own cookery show.” Get a grip Jade, not everyone is as mercenary as you. The chicken isn’t ready in time for the vegetables, so everyone eats the vegetables first. Dirk is happy, he’s managed to fry some tofu and chat to Jermaine – he’s not getting drawn into the vipers’ nest. Shilpa's nerves are frayed, "I won’t cook for anyone again then.” She says. Unfortunately I imagine Jade, Jo and Dani will manage to bitch at her for not cooking, especially when their daily ration of ten fish fingers begins to make them bilious.

Big Brother decides to set a task that sounds even more pointless than the inclusion of Jack Tweedy. Housemates get to ask Big Brother questions and Big Brother reserve the right to refuse to answer. Good heavens, the excitement is sure to kill us all. I have a question Big Brother, why oh why did you bring Jade back when it meant losing Donny and Ken? Are you secretly trying to destroy the show?

Jade’s questions are typically intriguing. Why do we have eyebrows? How do Eskimos make babies? Do mermaids exist? When did we go from grunts to language? Well, some people never did, did they Jade? Cleo decides to liven the disparate groups by dressing as Dorothy Montgomery, holding court to her audience of monkeys. Dirk is too afraid to join in, he knows Cleo has the hots for him when she is herself, imagine what she’s like dressed up.

Big Brother thinks it can go one better and provides a table tennis table. Ian and Shilpa play one another, much to the coven’s disgust. Deciding it would be much better to play drinking games (no more kebab showing, please!!!) Jade and Danielle tuck into booze. Oh great, more foul mouthed, empty headed borderline racist insults to come then? More shouting at Dirk for no reason?

Big Brother reads out their questions. Jade proposed one about “heskey moes” and Dirk decided to treat everyone to ponder on relativity. Jade backtracks, suddenly best friends with Dirk and Shilpa – nothing to do with them getting 75% of the vote, is it Jade? Suspecting nomination in the morning, Jade goes into mouth slavering, jaw jabbering over drive, desperately trying to make peace with everyone in her own “unique” way (as in - I am right, you are wrong!) She goes on and on to Shilpa about dominating the kitchen until Shilpa breaks down in tears. “I don’t know if you are being genuine or not!” barks Jade. Oh, go away you dreadful specimen.

Jade employs her now infamous bully tactics and continues, with the aid of a spineless Cleo, to rip into Shilpa, “but I like you. I’m not a hypocrite” she whines. If only Big Brother Highlights would show this as it is – Jade the bully. I fear some craftily edited editions are on the cards with Shilpa the villain. Shilpa spends the next hour crying with a pathetic Cleo trying to be a mediator – only not grasping the mediators shouldn’t actually take sides!

If only this would make the highlights, then maybe the bullying bint of Bermondsey would bugger off back to her nasty habits and her media whoring days could end. Wishful thinking?

Love Jade? Hate morals? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk