CBB5: Day 20: Jan 22nd 2007

Ian runs around the garden. Dirk is grumpy again in bed – which is hardly surprising after witnessing a jiggling Cleo back-combing her hair. It takes all of thirty seconds for Jo to complain. “I can’t function properly,” she whines. Well never mind that Jo, why don’t you treat yourself to a lie down and an hour-long bitch session? Oh, and a fag! Danielle and Dirk stay in bed – separately of course. For the first time in probably her entire life, Dani asks questions and listens to the answers. Dirk explains the intense cold in Montana and talks with some enthusiasm for the first time in days. Dani is almost concentrating.

Shilpa refuses to learn her lesson and decides she will make another curry – with the dreaded chicken! Danielle says she will help and pick the onions out of hers – not with your fingers surely Dani? We don’t know where they have been. You might make yourself sick. Jo finally manages to walk a metre before collapsing – exhausted – onto the sofa. “Something doesn’t feel right today.” She says. The better part of me would like to think this is Jo’s conscience catching up with her. The not-so-nice part of me realises Jo probably has no conscience.

Jermaine tells Ian, Shilpa and Jack a fascinating story of his career and its downfall. Much better than the endless burps, farts and bitching. If only Big Brother could have more than this. Round 9000 of Dirk baiting gets under way when Cleo manages to convince the girls that Dirk didn’t want to change his sheets this morning. How Jo can be shocked at this is anyone’s guess. Not only has she not washed since entering the house, I doubt she’s even changed her underwear since 2004. Only turps will prize Jo out of the bath robe.

Big Brother sets another pointless food task. The housemates have to be “Showgirls” and learn a choreographed routine before performing it that evening. Dirk looks up at the routine on the plasma, horrified. I can’t see much but it involves feathers and, unfortunately for Jo, movement. Everyone except Jermaine (who wisely prays instead) gets up to rehearse under the steely glares of Shilpa and Ian. Jo, Shilpa and Danielle protest about the costumes being too revealing. Good God, if Danielle thinks something is revealing then heaven help them.

Jo is annoyed that Shilpa is taking the lead and has to have another sit down so she can bitch about the actress and trained dancer (a trained dancer teaching dancing. How selfish and evil!). You know Jo, you could always lead. I’m sure Jo is actually waiting until there is a task where everyone has to look sour faced, perma-smoke and lay on their backs with a face like a bust sofa, then she’ll take the lead no probs! Jo sucks the life out of everything…I’ve never seen a more moany and negative housemate and I include Nikki in that!

The task gets underway. The girls have to wear feathery headdresses making them look, according to Danielle, like ‘squashed canaries.’ Dirk and Jermaine look like ring masters in some demented and downright disturbing circus. Which of the others is the circus elephant? Jack? Well, elephant turd perhaps. Dirk and Jack fail twice but since this is only 4 fails in total Big Brother determines they pass – though I’m sure the coven can find a way to make it entirely Dirk’s fault and conveniently forget Jack is there (although…haven’t we all?).

Another predictable party follows with more food and booze. Dirk, now browbeaten into the role of grumpy old man can no longer stand the jibes and sneers from “bitter human vulture” Jo (phrase stolen from one of BB’s own ‘psychologist’). He retires to bed. The rest stay up ‘partying’ until the incredibly dangerous and exotic time of 11.30pm! Heck, I’d be worn out if I had to keep hours that long and wild! Thankfully, once they’ve all gone to bed, I can turn the tripe off.

Getting as grumpy as Dirk? Find Jo scintillating and inspiring? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk