The housemates awake, tentatively. The alarm in “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” which I desperately hope is a clue. Cleo pretends she was as annoyed by the rabble-rousing youngsters as Dirk was before she gleefully grins to her cronies, “Dirk will be so annoyed today.” Suffering an attack of conscience or desperate attempt to fly under the radar of irritating muppets, Cleo un-hides Dirk’s soy sauce – the same sauce she encourages Jack Brain Box to squirrel away. Jack and Ian go outside. “I used to run for Essex” Jack claims. What? Do you mean you used to run away from the Essex Constabulary? Jo moans – again. Jo O’Meara’s mouth exists for only two reasons, one to spout foul-mouthed depressive crap and the other to have a permanent fag stuck in it. “I’m going back to bed,” she whines. “I need five minutes.” Jo, my love, you need half a tonne of Prozac, some serious counselling and a good slap.
As though they have heard my anxious pleas, Big Brother decides a humour task is needed. Housemates have to make Big Brother laugh by using a box of props decided by the powers that be. Cleo is in her element. Once she has a wig she has to remain in annoying character for the rest of the day. Ian echoes the sentiments of everyone, “I’m bored,” he says. “I wanted a real task.” Danielle is called to the diary room. She returns after five minutes to state that she failed to make Big Brother laugh. No shit!
Jo, by some unfathomable feat, claims to have made Big Brother laugh. I’m sure you did Jo. Big Brother was laughing because you were actually upright for the first time in 19 days. Somehow Dirk fails to make BB laugh…funny really considering he is the only housemate to make me laugh all series. Jermaine passed his task. Now I like Jermaine, he seems so calm, level headed and decent, but he isn’t funny. I cannot wait to see what he did to make Big Brother laugh. Cleo, a woman who seems to believe inherently that she is funny, fails the task – as does Jack, naturally
Shilpa gives the coven of bullies some chocolate so, rather than being grateful, they blame her for not giving them any sooner. Jo, who rapidly resembles Waynetta Slob, and Cleo the Clown wait until Shilpa has gone to the bedroom so they can slag Dirk off again. I honestly do not know what these women do with themselves when they have no one to hate. Dirk is amusing himself in the bedroom with Jermaine and Shilpa, overjoyed that Big Brother didn’t find Cleo funny. “She hasn’t a funny bone in her body. And it’s her job to be funny!” He laughs.
Although not everyone was funny, Big Brother gives the housemates a party anyway – a sign of desperation if ever there was one. Everyone has to sit in the living room and watch on the large screen each other’s attempts to make Big Brother laugh. Ian cringes but his isn’t the worst of it. Cleo’s embarrassing attempt is broadcast next, clearly another dig at Dirk – but no one laughs and it seems as if something has dawned on Cleo – yes, Cleo you are not funny. Hanging around a funny man from the 1980s doesn’t mean you are funny. She rushes off to the bedroom when Shilpa’s genuinely funny clip is shown and everyone – even the bitches, laugh.
Later, when the grownups go to bed, Jack enthrals all with tales of the exams he has to take to be a football agent. When I say enthrals I am, of course, lying. Cleo utters more tripe about what a wonderful and talented person Jack must be and how he’ll walk the exams. I’m sure he will Cleo provided you get 75% for answering your own name, and even then I think he’s in trouble. Jack sighs. “I’m worried about the talking to Davina bit.” He says. I can see why – talking isn’t Jack’s strong point unless he’s going to call Davina a c*nt and a w*nker.
Everyone bar Ian goes to bed. Jo is suddenly worried. “I don’t want to be a big star,” she says. “I just want a career.” In a bizarre moment of irony, Shilpa reassures her “You’ve done nothing wrong. Your behaviour in here will be reflected outside.” No kidding Shilpa dear. Jo’s behaviour, to you especially, is exactly what she does need to worry about.
Hanging on for dear life? Ready to give in and read a book instead? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
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