CBB5: Day 25: 27th Jan 2007

Danielle wakes and puts on her Sheringham West Ham shirt – if I were cruel I would laugh. She wants to spend the day lying around eating fish fingers. Ian waffles on about acting, trying to convince Dirk to stay in the UK and do a play with him. Ian goes into the bedroom and is attacked by Dani and Jack with a can of shaving foam. Covered in gunk Dani demands to have a shower but Dirk insists he’s next in line. Not happy, Danielle looks around frantically before realising she has no one left to bitch with. Instead she settles for waxing Ian’s toes.

Running out of tasks Big Brother decides to finally use the question box in the living room. The questions that come in are appalling except for the one Jack gets, “Are you silent because you are used to Jade doing all the talking?” Jermaine’s question results in him announcing, “I need a lobotomy” Dirk is asked if he kept any of his Battlestar Gallactica uniform. Dani is asked if she could bring back any of the housemates departed who would it be. “All of them. Even Ken,” she says. She’s clearly missing his “meat and two veg”.

Bored, everyone goes the garden and rolls around in duvets. Dirk watches and tells Jermaine he thinks Jack has a crush on Danielle. Ian thinks Jo will be on the chat show circuit, deluged with offers to sing and act…oh Ian, if only you knew. He then reassures a nervous Danielle that the public will love her for being honest and says there is nothing at all negative about her. A game of blind man’s bluff ends with Ian stubbing his toe and Shilpa fussing around him like a mother hen.

A task seems imminent when the group is locked in he bedroom and they can hear drilling and banging. The task involves the housemates having to make four films…one for each week, a romance, an action, a film noir and a Bollywood musical

The first week movie sees Dirk as Ken, appalled at Jackiey’s farting. Donny’s exist is played out with Jack dressed as Donny – the irony lost as Jack seems to have forgotten Donny left because of Jack and his ‘moron’ girlfriend. The romance is Dirk and Shilpa flirting. Danielle plays Shilpa in true melodramatic style, annoying laugh and “oh Dirk,” sighs included. Jermaine plays Dirk.

The infamous Oxo cube scene sees Ian as Shilpa and Jack as Jade. The row is suddenly funny and not at all the vile, bile infused, headache-inducing nightmare it appeared in reality. Shilpa dresses as Danielle complete with comedy boobs and stupid giggle. Dirk takes on the role of Leo Sayer; breaking out of the house. The week 4 film depicts the relentless wait for eviction in Bollywood style. Jermaine plays Jo, fag in hand and glum face. As Danielle, Shilpa pulls off a hilarious impersonation, screaming 'Teddy!' and ‘fook! I’ve won!’ before she is pulled off stage by a giant hook, held by Jermaine

They all pass and dress to impress for their three-course meal reward. Dirk sings Danielle’s praises thinking she’d make a great actress – you aint kidding, her performance these last two as a nice sweet, easily led girl is very nearly convincing. Jack and Ian hide fruit under Danielle’s duvet. Jack throws something. “You threw a potato at a Jackson!!” Ian squeals. Dirk and Shilpa sit in the kitchen and reflect. “I’ve enjoyed it” Shilpa says. “I haven’t” Dirk replies. Finally everyone goes to bed and, for the first time since the series started, there seems to be a sense of calm and ease. Clearly, the poisonous influences have gone and they can all see the finish line. Thankfully, so can I. Not sure how much more of it I could take, to be honest.

Think Jack should win? Believe Danielle’s Road to Damascus moment? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk