“Everyone likes a bit of cheese,” Ian “H” Watkins declared before entering the house. Well, you’d know Ian. However, Jo O’Meara clearly doesn’t. Wicked Big Brother decided to play one of her songs during a ‘party’ with all the predictability of…Big Brother. Shilpa urged her to dance, Ian was up for it – Jo wasn’t. “Why have they done that?” she moaned. Blimey Jo, who knows? Maybe because your song and your link to S Club 7 is the actual reason you are in the house. Yikes. It could have been worse. They could have showed some stills of that sex tape your ex-husband (allegedly) sold to the News of the World. Would that have been better?
Thank goodness for Leo Sayer. He loved it when on of his turgid migraine inducing efforts came on. Hell fire, a throng of stampeding wildebeest could not have stopped old Leo dancing his heart out like a newly recharged Duracell Bunny. For a second, Donny Tourette managed something close to a smile. Earlier Leo had managed to bore everyone senseless with his philosophising about recording music. People nodded politely. It seems that Leo Sayer knows everyone – he walked into the house knowing Jermaine, Donny, Jo and Ian. Now he knows The Strokes. I’m sure they are delighted at such a high profile mention. No doubt their album with soar up the charts, especially after association with the frizzy haired pocket monster of naff 70’s pop.
Carole, Shilpa and Cleo sit in a huddle like the witches from Macbeth, discussing how Big Brother works in details – only, really its Carole who does all the discussing, talking animatedly, constantly and incessantly. Its wonder the woman has nostrils because she clearly doesn’t need to breathe.
No one has seen Ken yet. My heart pounds. Surely not? Surely not? I keep waiting for the moment Danielle opens the toilet door only for a dead Ken to flop out on to the floor in front of her á la Zammo in Grange Hill.
Jermaine spends all of his time in a grim and anxious silence. He washes dishes, in silence. He wanders around, in silence. He’s called to the Diary Room, in silence. Is it wrong for me to want Donny to slip a little bit of whatever he’s on into Jermaine’s drink? Just when I think Jermaine has vanished into a small pile of dust he reveals to Jo that he has eight children, the youngest of whom is named Jermajesty! Actually, I don’t think Jermaine needs any of Donny’s ‘special stuff’ he patently has his own secret stash reserved for the naming of children. (Disclaimer – not really!)
Ken tells a disturbing story about going to a cinema many years ago where a strange man groped his do-da – no wonder every single subsequent film of Ken’s had a penis preoccupation! Cleo responds in the only way she can, by opening her unfeasibly large mouth even wider. I swear she can unhook her jaw like a snake.
Danielle reiterates how smart she is. Of course you are dearie, you’re so smart you won’t eat bananas because you think they stay in your guts for three months. You’re so smart you were actually shocked when Playboy showed pictures of you with your breasts out! You’re so smart you…ah, you get the point.
Members of the public send in questions to the housemates through a hi-tech block on the wall. (Sadly my question to Dirk Benedict wasn’t used. Probably wise.) The gang are alerted to the prospect of Jade Goody reappearing and everyone looks suitably aghast – even Jermaine who (lucky for him) knows nothing of the existence of Jade.
Everyone guessed within 20 minutes that there would be a twist involving the dreaded House Next Door. (What? You don’t remember the House Next Door? That wonderfully successful ‘device’ used in big Brother 7 that gave us Jennie, Michael and Spiral? Who? Yes, indeed.)
Is it me, or have Endemol run out of ideas? Maybe Jade is all they have? God help us all?
Comments? chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
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