Jack is on dangerous ground. In the early hours of Day 8 he decided to relieve Shilpa’s back pain with a foot massage (as in walking up her back). Jade looks on like an angry yard dog – jowls wobbling, nose pinking, gnashers ready for the kill. She goes to the Diary Room and spends an inordinately long amount of time in there. Well, she’s an old pro now aint she? She knows that will be great highlights for her – especially if she cries. Jackiey, always desperate to muscle in on her daughter’s screen time, follows suit.
Leo talks about himself for about thirty-eight hours before he finally retires. When everyone wakes the next day, Ian decides to do his exercises, pulling a face that can only be described as something akin to crapping a pineapple. Jermiane declares that he wants to do a “lot of laughing” today. Sorry Jermaine, you’re in the wrong place for that unless you count a Leo Sayer self-delusional rant the height of amusement. (Actually, I do.)
The excitement level ratchets up a notch – yes, Cleo discusses where to buy false eye lashes and Carole tells a wonderfully entertaining and interesting story about an arctic lorry reversing. Shilpa makes a curry and gets a round of applause, except from Jackiey whose scrawny backside has once again seemingly become attached to the Diary Room chair.
Leo wanders around, looking for someone to talk to. He spots Jermaine and jabbers away as Jermaine tries to carefully back off. Leo doesn’t take the hint and follows until Jermaine accidentally backs himself into a corner. Leo reveals that his friends don’t visit him in Sydney because they think he’d be “too busy” because there are so many TV shows and Radio programmes who want him. Well of course – no one does a high voice like Leo Sayer, eh, Leo? Jermaine is forced to chew his own fist in anticipation of at least a second of silence.
Ian continues his transformation into Jade Goody’s simpering bitch. If he utters any more compliments Jade will dissolve. Second thoughts keep going Ian. The rest of them decide to play a game of “Do You Know Who I Am?” Never was a title of a game so apt for this bunch of jokers.
Later, Davina comes on air to grin and bob around. Every time she moves you can see Jackiey laying into Shilpa in the background on the screens. None of this bothers the rent-a-mob crowd who seem to regard Jackiey and Jade as some sort of bastion of healthy debate, lively intellect and dignified behaviour. Shilpa is roundly booed – for what exactly? Being on the receiving end of an unflattering Endemol edit and a jabbering racist rant from Jackiey?
I had a quick look in my toilet and, true enough, there was all that is good and decent waiting to be flushed away. Mercifully some of the British public don’t agree with the morons who hang around Elstree and Jackiey is evicted with the lowest support - lower than Jack! Cue Jade being “heartbroken” and Shilpa being “to blame”. Jack says more in one minute after Jackiey’s departure than he has in the last week!
Davina bigs Jackiey up after her ‘interview.’ I’ve witnessed camels giving more graceful and eloquent interviews. The crowd boo Shilpa, Jackiey refers to her as “Indian” and everyone finds it amusing. “You’ve been a great housemate,” Davina coos. Yes, Davina but she’s not a patch on Hitler is she? He was a legendary housemate, all that goose-stepping and goading? It’s a scandal he didn’t win.
Jackiey is cheered again as she is ushered off. Hey crowd, next up Oswald Moseley and his Black Shirts followed by Enoch Powell and the Rivers of Blood crew! Davina gurns to the camera that Cleo and Carole will be punished at midnight. Gullible people stay up until midnight to find out how and…quelle surprise! No one is punished. Instead Jo sulks and moans because Danielle has become the new queen of farting. Dirk stands in the garden espousing guns, smoking and the lack of speed limits in Montana. He launches into an anti-liberal tirade and tells a shocked Cleo he doesn’t believe in foreign aid. Oh well done Dirk, that’ll go in the edit. Anything to make Jade look better.
Disgusted at society? Couldn’t give a toss? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
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