CBB5: Day 3 5th Jan 2007

Day 3 began with the all too obvious and terrible prospect of Jade Goody re-entering the house with equally unpleasant family (teenage boyfriend on bail? Former drug abusing lesbian mother? – Not that I’m a snob or owt).

It all kicked off on Day 3 (or the early hours of day 4). Jade arrived looking slightly glamorous. Her young boyfriend trailed behind her looking afraid. He has that same look when Heat magazine snap him as well…usually because Jade has (allegedly) smacked him in the chops for looking at another women (oh, Danielle – I fear for her). Poor Jack Tweedy, he has a lot to put up with for cash and fame (allegedly) – a lot more than Danielle, she only has to live with an aging footballer and get her baps out occasionally.

The house is split. Carole, Cleo, Danielle, Dirk, Donny, Ian, Jo and Leo become servants in that I-wish-they’d-scrapped-this-idea-after-the-disaster-of-this-summer House Next Door. Those left in the main house are deemed either too old (Ken) or too glamorous (Shilpa) or too pampered (Jermaine) to possibly be servants. The other housemates will serve them and all will be well. Except, no! Jade enters and no one reacts. Her mother enters and no one reacts. Her boyfriend swears and no one reacts. Jade does what she used to do at her vile best in Big Brother 3 – she goes to the Diary Room and slags everyone off as they watch her on the screen.

Like most healthy people, I had successfully managed to blank out the horror that was Jade Goody’s spell in Big Brother 3. Her drunken antics, her kebab showing penchant, her ‘fumbles’ under a mangy duvet with the equally mangy PJ. God, she was good wasn’t she? And that little bit of cruel bullying she indulged in every day…that was entertainment gold! Why, oh why in the name of all that is remotely normal is this woman back on the show and eligible to win? And at the expense of a Bollywood superstar, a musical legend or a hilarious old eccentric?

Next door Carole Malone sharpened her claws ready for Jade. I was excited. Suddenly, I like Carole Malone and she’s a horse I’d back in the fight of the year that Endemol are clearly engineering. Even better, lovely Leo Sayer’s evil side surfaces. “These mini-celebs” he spits when he sees Jade’s face on screen as though he is akin to Brad Pitt in fame! “The revolution is coming!” He determines. I like the Evil Leo. I’d vote for him if I hadn’t boycotted voting.

Leo is right. Donny vanished, declaring – as much as an incoherent arse can declare – that he “ain’t being a servant to no one.” Where’s Donny gone? Oh yes, over the wall. He tries to climb back in again but isn’t allowed. The remaining housemates are gathered and told that Donny has been evicted for breaking the rules. Rules? Since when did Big Brother care about rules? That strange wild boar type creature named Jayne perpetrated a mass murder last year and all she got was a telling off! Rules? Balls! I smells a rat, I do.

Dirk looks confused. Relative obscurity and no hope of any future acting work seem like an inviting prospect now he’s spent three days in the house. You can almost see the words “why did I do this?” forming into a pattern on his furrowed brow. Danielle giggles. She doesn’t care that Donny’s gone. She can wear his sunglasses now. She wants to meet Jade; she’s a big fan! Oh Dani, you really are going to get the shock of your life. Jo and Ian sit in silence, intently watching Leo turn from bubbly little pop pixie into an angry 5 foot Beowulf in just under an hour. Cleo is non-plussed.

Back in the main house Shilpa is clearly horrified that anyone as common as Jade and her family can possibly be allowed to share her space. She looks at Jermaine in desperation and he smiles – he has as much idea about who Jade is as Jade does about him. Ken does the sensible thing and goes to bed. Jade’s mum Jacky tries to be polite and friendly but everything stinks of insincerity and another Big Brother stitch-up. They haven't learned from the Nikki debacle.

I sometimes wonder why I watch this stuff.