Jermaine awakes early and proceeds to snip the tops of his hair so he has a perfectly straight, square head. Cleo, the opposite, stumbles out of bed like a sad lion that has lost her prey. She looks forlornly at Ian and Shilpa who seem to have formed such a sweet bond. Cleo tries to enter the conversation but becomes simply embarrassing again. Ian does a humorous audition to get a part in Shilpa’s next Bollywood film. The rest of housemates wake up to the sounds of a crane moving and someone on the roof? Is Donny back? No, just some lacklustre Channel 4 employee trying to inject some excitement.
Dirk bemoans the domination of femininity on TV. I think Dirk is feeling emasculated – not really surprising after Cleo’s attentions - anyone's would retract. The housemates sit down to do the shopping list – when I say housemates, I mean Shilpa who cannot resist taking the lead and quickly scribbling down her need for OXO cubes. Ian wrestles some control back and they deliver the list to the diary room. Cleo watches Dirk exercise outside before making more sly digs at him to a disinterested Jermaine.
Shilpa and Cleo make chips. Danielle is shocked that potatoes are vegetables. Jo lies on her back – for a change. Finally there is a call for nominations. After the relatively predictable nominations, Shilpa finishes the evening meal to which everyone sits and eats, making ‘mmmm’ sounds. Funny, I thought they didn’t like her cooking – what with her using her fingers an all.
The evening comes and Big Brother decides to be nice the housemates, offering them £10 each as long as they can find something treat worthy for that value. Dirk wants whisky. Jo wants hair dye…it’ll take more than that Jo my love. Shilpa wants caviar. Ian gets excited. “We can get face masks” he exclaims. “You really are gay, aren’t you?” Dirk laughs. Jermaine munches on popcorn and tells all who will listen about his antique furniture. Sadly for Jermaine, only Dirk and Shilpa will listen. Dirk is fed up. “It’s tedious,” he complains. Tell me about it, Dirk.
Ian joins Dirk and Shilpa outside as an unfortunate Jermaine is collared by Danielle in the bedroom. Dirk is on hilarious form as usual (not that the editors of the highlights programme want anyone to see this). “I have a cardinal rule...never, ever, ever, have a romance with someone you work with.” He says to Ian. “Did you stick to it?” Ian wonders. Dirk nods. Shilpa jumps in, “If I was working with you, would you be able to stick to your rule?” “Absolutely NOT!!” Dirk laughs.
Jo, taking a well-earned break from moaning and smoking, peels her crusty bathrobed arse from the sofa and joins Dirk discussing the initially rumoured potential housemates. Boris Johnson crops up, and Jo – quelle surprise – has never heard of him because she “dunt do nah politiks an awl ‘at malarkey!”
“I've heard him speak, he very funny and very droll.” Dirk says. Jo doesn’t know what droll means. “A dry sense of humour” Dirk assures her. “Oh like me?” Jo exclaims. “No the exact opposite, not at all like you.” Says Dirk…the beautiful irony of the entire exchange completely missed by everyone but me.
Not content with mocking the lesser mortals Dirk moves on to Jermaine. “I hope my life is still there when I get out. You hope your wife is still there when you get out...” He laughs. Luckily, a bright and shiny toothy grin breaks out on Jermaine’s face.
Another task is set…contestants have to answer questions about one another so that they can win the chosen treats that housemates selected. Oh dear, this is going to show who does the talking and who does the listening…fireworks? Again?
They are locked in the bedroom. To entertain people, Shilpa decides to read their palms. Jack is first but he quickly leaves with a look of horror. Be afraid Jack. You’ve seen your future and it aint pretty. Shackled to a Goody and sprogs with considerably less cash. Heck!
When they are finally let out of the bedroom, a Mastermind chair is set up in the living room. Cleo goes first and answers questions on Ian and gets three right. Well, Ian is lovely but he’s not exactly fascinating so it’s a wonder she got three right. Dirk has to answer questions on Jo. That should be easy. There can only be questions on soap dodging, whining and smoking surely? What else is there on Jo? Yes or no – does Jo stink of dog? With a sense of inevitability, Dirk fails when asked who Jo's role model is. “Linda Blair?” He answers, referring of course to the head-spinning, projectile vomiting monster in The Exorcist. Thankfully it goes over everyone’s heads.
Danielle has to answer her questions on Jack. Well now, can’t be too hard. How long does Jack’s ‘excitement’ last? What is Jack’s other job apart from gold-digger? How many times has Jack uttered the word w*nker in relation to other housemates? Whatever the Jack questions are I’m not sure because my brain cannot be prevented from switching off until I’m awoken by the squeals of a spluttering Dani as she returns to her friends.
Poor Jermaine has the unenviable task of answering questions about Danielle. Jermaine has spoken to the girl, to be fair, the trouble is he only understood 25% of anything she said – like the rest of us. The inevitable questions about Liverpool emerge. He’s very calm and wise as usual. Sadly, this means Dani gets her treat of vodka. Please, no! More of the drunken, vulgar, foul-mouthed and nasty Danielle? I don’t think my stomach can bear it.
Jack has to answer questions on Shilpa. He forgets that her name is actually “c*nt” and calls her “sexy”. Somewhere nearby I can hear another window smashing at Jade Goody Towers, as she flings her TV through any of the remaining glass that the “vandals” left. Scarily, Jack knows Shilpa’s birthday, and of her karate abilities. Hmmm, does Jack have a secret crush? You always hurt the one you love.
Jo has to answer her questions on Cleo. Considering Jo has spent most of her bitching time giggling with Cleo like a pair or psychotic hedgehogs, she does very well and wins Cleo her hair dye. Finally, Shilpa takes to the chair and has to answer questions of Jermaine. She’s as attached to Jermaine as Jo is to Cleo, and Jermaine really wants his £10 shoes – though how she is supposed to know his inside leg measurement is worrying. Jermaine is delighted when Shilpa passes. £10 shoes Jermaine? Come on! You’re a Jackson!!
Jo, Shilpa, Jermaine and Dani pass so their subjects get their treats. Jack, Ian, Dirk and Cleo fail…now we know who doesn’t listen when people talk. At least Dirk has the excuse of being deaf and Jack the excuse of being thick. With a sense of repetitiveness, Dirk and Jermaine, the elder statesmen of the house – go to bed as the rabble rousers continue their fractured jollity into the night, stopping only to bitch about Dirk. Who else?
Think Cleo is of sound mind and character? Want a pair of Jermaine's £10 shoes? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
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