“Big Brother was filmed in front of a live baying mob…I mean, studio audience. Brought to you in unglorious Jadevision.”
Dirk does his exercises. Jade walks past and asks him if it makes him feel better. Dirk has the audacity to shrug. Uh oh Dirk, big mistake you have now incurred the wrath of Goody and the Endemol crew. True to form Jade flees to the bedroom with her coven of hags and begins to annihilate Dirk again regarding the whisky saga. She’s slipping though; she mentions he will be shown on the highlights. Come on Jade, don’t give the game away. Some idiots out there still think you are a nice girl and not a scheming, manipulative, money obsessed harridan with a vacuous neo-racist boyfriend and glorified bag of spanners for a mother! Thankfully for Dirk, sensible Jermaine Jackson points out the gap opening up in the group – Jade’s Gang vs. everyone else, only to be remedied by Carole being evicted.
Sadly, Crazy Leo is certain he will go and the polls indicate he will as well. Oh good, so not only do we have the Bermondsey Bully left in the house, but all amusement and car crash TV will leave when Leo is booted? I don’t give Dirk or Shilpa long if Leo has to leave. Shilpa tries to reassure Dirk, cue more sweet flirting followed by evil stares from Danielle. Unfortunately it all gets a bit too much for Leo who, like a distressed Jack Russell, demands clean underpants – is refused and his only option is to prise open a wall with a sweeping brush, never to be seen again. Oh Leo, if only you’d swept Goody out with you.
Thank goodness Carole is kicked out. Jade’s face is a picture. Danielle isn’t happy though and after a pointless and embittered row with Shilpa (told you it’d be her fault!!) decides that Shilpa is “only the cook” and a “Dog”. Charming Danielle. Clearly Teddy is with you for your boobs only – even he, a wooden top, ageing footballer with weasel features and charisma bypass couldn’t find anything remotely nice in your personality.
Carole gushes in her interview about how wrong she was regarding Jade and Danielle when she slated them in her paper. No Carole, you were right all along and they fooled you – a tabloid hack hoodwinked by grotesque press-whore with the face of a Rottweiler and the voice of a forklift truck in reverse gear!
A sense of calm is resorted to the house when Jermaine, Shilpa and Dirk sit and discuss life, love and the world. This is what Big Brother could have been – intelligence and clarity. We’ve seen the binge drinking, duvet fumbling, girl-on-girl, fully frontal, food throwing, carpet vomiting generation series after series. It no longer entertains. Here is a chance to show something of genuine interest for anyone who has even a remnant of brain and it is immediately ruined by the arrival of the Goody clan. If only Ken had called Pest Control.
Dirk and Shilpa’s cards are marked. It’s clear that both with be nominated and the gaggle of bitches will win out. Dirk seems forlorn. Stick it out Dirk, you could crap a more dignified and wholesome specimen than Jack/Jade/Danielle. With any luck Jack may be up for eviction too – and then out! His “best bits” will last all of ten seconds but will be followed by Endemol’s gimp, Davina, telling Jack how ‘amazing’ he was:
“Yes Jack, I especially liked the bit where you called Shilpa a w*nker and a P*ki! Oh, and lets not forget the fun we had when you ejaculated on Jade’s leg!!!”
Feeling suicidal? Prefer to gnaw your own flesh? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
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