Jermaine and Shilpa are bored. They want to play hide and seek just to keep awake. I feel for them. I’m bored too but at least I can turn over and watch Just the Two of Us or something…Shilpa decides against hiding in case one of the Goody’s has hidden something unsavoury in the same place. Ken wants the servants to come in but they seem to be on strike. They are all, in fact, sat in their postage stamp sized bit of land drinking tea in silence. Danielle pipes up, “I don’t understand this game” she whines. Neither do we love, neither do we. Carole grimaces. “I can’t be bothered” again Carole, neither can we.
Leo is still angry. Whenever he has to be a servant in the main house he refuses to talk – and he thinks this is some sort of punishment? Instead Leo mimes hoping he can still have his woeful conversations with the ‘original’ housemates Shilpa, Ken and Jermaine. Shilpa doesn’t understand a single mime that he does. Jade does however! Finally, something Jade understands with no explanation and it is something she was supposed to not understand! The look on Leo’s face is priceless; the rise in his blood pressure is almost visible.
Jo is annoyed that she cannot eat any of the food in Jade’s house. She whispers bitterly to Shilpa and Jermaine who look deflated. Jack just frowns. From entering the house all Jack has done is frown. He can’t have said more than two words, although that is probably best – I don’t think anyone is missing out on witty insights and biting commentary. Jackiey starts shouting for booze. She may have had a glamorous make over but she still resembles an old drunken soak on a park bench shouting at passers-by for some White Lightening and a can of Special Brew.
Ken enjoys his role as master, "tell me my man, do you serve from the left?" he asks. Thank goodness for Ken, he’s the only one he can find any fun in anything. Ian unwittingly provides the conversation of the day when talking to the one-armed Jackiey. “Serve from the left” he tells her. “My left doesn't work”, she replies, indicating her missing arm. “But mine does” says Ian, face as straight as an ironing board. I’d like to believe he meant that bit of humour but this is Ian, so it was almost certainly unintentional.
Cleo and Danielle are stuck in the kitchen, wearing a set of mop caps like a pair of busty scullery maids in a Carry On film. Dirk wanders around looking very handsome in his uniform, he seems undisturbed by the task, he’s more worried that Jackiey has a deeper voice than he does.
Jade cries in the toilet, embarrassed by her mother. Surely Jade should be used to it after 25 years? Shilpa comforts her by putting a cold wet flannel on her face. Now that may be an Indian custom, or is it Shilpa’s way of trying to stop the infamous Goody motor mouth? She’s not happy, young Shilpa and she gives Jackiey a piece of her mind for embarrassing Jade and being rude to the servants. Go girl! I’m liking Shilpa, I hope she isn’t evicted. Jackiey won’t give Shilpa a second to speak however and shouts and carries on like a lunatic. Still, it only serves to make Jackiey look like the ignorant fool she is. Is it any wonder Jade ended up that way she did? Its no wonder Shilpa nearly lost it, Jackiey’s been calling her ‘Shoopa’ and ‘Princess’ for the last two days, like some all-too real version of Marjorie Dawes talking to her Indian student.
Ken tries to diffuse the situation by eating rhubarb as though devouring the entrails of a still alive cow.
Back next-door Leo tries to recount the arguments by adding his own twist. He even does an impression of Jackiey that actually makes me laugh. (Blimey, I have been entertained by Leo Sayer) then moans on and on to a glazed over Dirk and Cleo that they "are here as the toys of society". Quick, has anyone got the receipt? I’m taking Leo right back to the Society Toy Shop.
Can it get any worse? Do we care any more. Is Jackiey Goody actually worse than Jade? Anything? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
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