Oh dear. If only I had opened a book on how long my viewing would last (couldn’t generate the interest). The appallingness of Charley, Ziggy, Liam and t’other bint is still fresh in my mind – it drove me away from BB just six weeks or so in last time. I naturally despise myself for watching this **** but there is something vaguely community like about BB. A rancid, deeply unhappy community, but a community none the less.
So, opening night. Davina looked polished – shiny hair, screeched threats of a “tough Big Brother” (yeah, sure). There is 93 days. 93 days! Goodness, I’m crying here. So there is a prison and solitary confinement – that is until one of the dull retard ‘chosen ones’ with a gob like an erupted volcano who commands “viewer pull” breaks a rule and gets no punishment – sending me over the edge. Again. There’s a nice room and a crap room – a bit like series 3 only, hopefully, without a reincarnation of Jade.
There’s a bathroom open for everyone to see, as though this is some kind of off putting shock to the housemates – shameless, soulless toss bags with seriously defective brains and more confidence than a room full of Premier League footballers.
The fist two housemates are a couple (of twerps). Mario (real name: Sean) aged 42 and Lisa, aged 40. They tell us how “extrovert” they are. They tell us three times. Yes, we get it. He looks like a pug dog that’s been stretched to at least 4 feet 11. She looks like the lower rent Sindie doll from the 1980s that’s been left too close to the iron. She’s thin, he wants her thinner. She plays dim, he plays prick. They are good at their chosen roles.
Next is Luke, a 20-year-old student channelling Ashley Peacock and nine-year-old girl. He’s so comical he could have been animated by drama students. I quite like him. I even like his exaggerated arms gesticulations. I like the fact that it is almost certain he’ll break down into an unravelling, snivelling, disturbing mess in the next 10 days. He even admits he’s a crap shag. Ah, sweet honesty. How refreshing. He even has opinions. Opinions on real subjects. *Fans self* I’m aghast.
4th in and all the good work I thought BB had done with Luke is immediately undone by Stephanie, aged 19. She’s The Bint of the series, clearly. We are subjected to “I’m hot” “I’m great” “I’m a total tw*t with no self awareness” etc. I doze off. I’m counting down the seconds until she makes some hilarious ‘thick’ comment about the location of Aberdeen. She is booed, quite rightly. She dresses in gaffer tape and shows the crowd her Fairy Cave as she totters up the stairs. Classy.
A seemingly pointless secret mission is given to the four. Mario must pretend to be dating Steph and Lisa has to pretend she doesn’t know Mario. Now, if I were Lisa I’d see this as a blessing. Instead she scowls. This is yet another ruse to MESS WITH NOMINATIONS because if the mission fails the four face the public vote. Bye bye Steph. Please just let the housemates nominate and do not mess with the result. Yes?
Rachel, a 24 year old trainee teacher, bounders in next. She’s knowingly annoying and talks a lot. She talks crap a lot. She used to be a size 16 but is now a size 8. She has a skinny top half and a fat backside. Thus, she is “curvy”. She describes herself as a “catholic” which I believe. Or, at least, I believe it until the inevitable spin-the-bottle, girl-on-girl tedium crops up one midnight on E4.
Dale next. He’s 21 and a ‘student’. He’s a total div. He’s a male version of Steph only he will probably win as a result of that and Steph will be hated. He’s a failed footballer (hence appearing on this crap and not turning out for transfer market fitness tests and £90billion pounds a week salary). He chats a lot of bollix about “fanny” and “nailing it” and claims to be a “back stabber”. I get on overwhelming sniff of disappointment. I imagine he’ll barely register on the obnoxious scale. Davina describes him in depth but I really cannot listen.
Another thinly drawn woman of zero potential zones into view. Sylvia is also a 21-year-old student. What a coverall the word “student” is. She escaped the war in Sierra Leone which gives her, at least, an exotic and interesting background. Sadly, she seems to have quickly and heartily adopted the British culture of head waggling, woman hating, image obsessed balderdash. I still quite like her, despite the nearly obscene dress and silly way of speaking.
I’m twiddling my thumbs at this point thinking, ‘what this show really needs is a gay.’ Thank goodness I don’t turn over to Question Time before Dennis, 23, glimmers onto the box proclaiming not to be a ‘label’. Please, Dennis. The word “stereotype” was invented for you. He’s camp, Scottish, has over plucked eyebrows, wears a silly hat and walks as if his hip bones have been replaced with jam and mashed potato. He’s an arse.
Michael or “Mikey” is helped in next. He is literally helped in on account of him being blind. I imagine his blindness goes some way to explaining the yellow poncho and unkempt head. He’s a bit like Roy Cropper on E. He cannot see the crowd jeer him but then, why would they? He has “I’m-disadvanted-a-bit-like-Pete-the-sweary-one-was-or-Nadia-who-was-once-a-man-was-so-I-must-win.” Everyone acts like he is weird. Which he is.
Alexandra, aged 23, is the substandard Charley clone, chatting sh1t about being a Leo and how ‘special’ she is. She’s certainly ‘special’ to me. Thankfully, she is not quite as dreadful as the Charley creature was but then, what is? She’s a non-practising Muslim so she can drink, have sex and eat pork. Aren’t we all non-practising Muslims, Catholics and Jews? I’d like to meet a non-practicing atheist. She had a baby at 16. The crowd chant “Who are you”. She’ll last until halfway.
My sweepstake housemate arrives now. Rex is a 24-year-old chef. He’s a show-off, a bad boy etc. People hate him. His dad was gay, he was kicked out of 409 schools and is “secretly shy”. Secretly shy people do not willingly wash their vulnerable gonads on live 24 hour TV for the world to see. I notice nothing else about him.
Mohamed is also a non-practising Muslim. He seems to have a perm. Either that or an Afro. He can rival Sylvia with his war-torn troubled background when he had to flee Somalia with his ma who was gun toted. He struggles to open the door. Great. I quite like him though. He has a sense of humour grounded in reality. What else could one ask for?
I’m flagging at this point. Surely there cannot be any more to come? I get a warm glowy flashback to series 1 and 2 and a sensible amount of folk. This flashback is wafted away when a gob-on-legs called Rebecca arrives. Her tongue seems too big for her mouth (no mean feat). She babbles a lot of tripe and flaps around to boos. Davina mentions that Rebecca’s one passion in life is Alan Hansen which perks me up. That doesn’t last. It’s actually the ‘band’ Hanson from 1994 she likes. There is truly nothing else to say.
On we go. Still. Darnell, 26 is next. He’s an albino. He a (very) white black man. I really don’t know where the racists and the PC Army will go with this. Why can’t things just be black and white eh? *Snigger* He was born in Ipswich, lived in the US and was deported or summat. He talks a bit of sense, which immediately alarms me. I can see him and Luke forming a clique of normality. Everyone calls him Daniel except Mario who thinks it is Danielle. Marvellous.
We are only on housemate 15. Brace yourself. Jennifer is a 22-year-old mother from Newcastle. Everyone says Cheryl Cole but she looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt and she’s The Gobby Cow of the series. She’s a pretty girl with those inevitable strong views. She’s also a “Catholic”. She does, however, wear a skirt that is skirt length which means, in the world of Big Brother, that this girl means business.
Finally, the Larger Than Life character goes in last (like last year. Remember Carole! Hello! Carole! Oh no). Kathreya is from Bangkok. She eats loudly on her VT so I know I will hate her. She’s “crazy” and “zany” – we know this from her pink bits of hair and drag queen shoes. The crowd go wild. She’ll be a mealy mouthed, bossy, fun sucking whingebag in a week. Mark my words.
Woo and hoo.
Impressed with this year's crop? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Friday 6 June 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)