CBB5: Day 17: 19th Jan 2007

The housemates awake to music. Dirk and Cleo dance like embarrassing parents at a wedding. The false friendships (due to Diary Room coaching) continue. Jade and Shilpa hug again weakly. Danielle pretends she’s an innocent victim led astray. Dirk and Shilpa continue to flirt – everything has the whiff of false jollity to it. Dirk tells a joke about sharing his name with the Pope but the housemates don’t get it. Wasted. Absolutely wasted he is. Jade continues to live in her world of delusion and pontificates to loathsome Jo that the ex-S Clubber will have so many offers and no matter what has been said “there is an excuse for it.” Nice. “You’ll have to use your fame while you can.” She tells Jo. Hmmm. I’m sure Jo would make a lovely poster girl for the BNP. Fame, at any price!

It is a very tense day. Jade and Shilpa are told that they are up for eviction. Neither is remotely surprised and there is more faux hugging. Shilpa starts to pack. “Don’t pack,” Dirk says, his face worried at the prospect of losing his crush. “The public are voting. You don’t need to pack.” God bless Dirk. Jack walks around with a face like a bust clog. Why is he there? What is his purpose apart from to give me indigestion?

They are given a task – performing music with no instruments. The men have to wear bow ties and Jack looks like a creepy version of Pee-Wee Herman. Ian looks lost and afraid. The task is, let’s be honest, bloody awful. Big Brother’s hilarious joke about “bringing harmony” shows exactly what it wasn’t supposed to – there is no harmony in that house and never will be.

Finally the eviction comes. Shock horror! (Ahem) Jade is booted with 82% of the vote. No crowd, no noise “for her own safety.” Davina looks stern. The big question: will Davina bottle the interview? After all she has the same agent as Jade and is notoriously lenient on the nasty housemates (Lesley? Grace?). With the entire world’s press watching her, Davina did a surprisingly good job. Showed the reaction, mentioned racism, made Jade answer the questions.

Jade, as ever is unrepentant. She doesn’t look ashamed, she doesn’t seem to care. She utters platitudes about being ‘sorry’ and ‘ashamed’ but its all balls! The supposedly ‘live’ interview has a poorly edited cut in it – Jade wasn’t interviewed live at all! Don't lie again Channel 4. She’d been out for an hour already and – methinks – locked away with her PR girl and agent, she’s perfectly primed and ready for anything.

True enough, as soon as the interview is over there are a million stories flying around – Jade sells story for £500k to News of the World – proceeds to charity! Jade’s mum is really a Muslim? (Yeah, a pork eating beer drinking breast flashing one at that!) Jade fears for life! Jade is being manipulated really!

Oh please. If this whole furore has proved anything it is that no one person is ever bigger than the show that made them. But more than that, it proves that a channel should never underestimate its viewer and that ultimately, the viewer decides what the viewer thinks is acceptable. If Jade Goody inc. still exists after this in the same grubby way it did after her last bout of bullying five years ago, society is in the doldrums.

Do me a favour Davina? Give Jo Clinical Depressive and Danielle Dimwit the same harsh treatment since…in many ways, they are worse than Jade because they have also been fed the same spin, Jade is Great – only they are so thick they actually believed it and thought it would help them.

The evening ends with more of Jo’s depression and her desperate need to hide Shilpa’s knickers in Dirk’s bed – she’d do it too if she wasn’t too lazy and unwashed to get off her backside. (Has anyone seen her vertical yet?) Danielle has a deluded moment, again. “I’m not a bitch.” She says. Oh, go away you moron; you are making my brain bleed.

Feel like you need a wash? Rushing out to buy Jade's perfume? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk