Big Brother 8: Opening Night: 30th May 2007

So, Big Brother returned, rumours abound of an all-female house, major twists, shocks etc. I idly tuned in, mainly to satiate a rush of self loathing.

The show began with an OfCom enforced apology. Somewhere in Channel 4 Towers I imagine the poor continuity announcer, bound by the hands, tied to a wheel-able armless office chair, shoved at a desk where he was made to read out the ever-so-sincere apology – a grimace audible down the microphone. I searched for subliminal ‘F*ck you OfCom – Jade Goody rules!’ but saw none. I hoped for grovelling, I didn’t get any. I get a feeling the whole summer will be as disappointing.

Davina shimmered into view, all sallow cheeks and leather clad – no more mention of the horror of Celebrity Big Brother. It’s like it never happened! A rudimentary tour of the house got underway, gaudy Perspex, giant beds that promises to “sleep six” and a bath in the living room (tit and arse shots guaranteed). With a panic strewn heart I looked for another House Next Door and I’m sure (hoping) there wasn’t one.

The parade of God awful, brain dead, over bleached and cellulite free morons commenced – almost all as the Daily Star predicted (god, they’re good!) – all women…after a fashion.

First in: 18-year-old twins Sam and Amanda, ‘social work students’ (Gawd help us all) who love pink, shopping, clothes and Barbies. It’s as though someone has trapped the soul of my three-year-old niece into the adult bodies of two berks…and then removed the brain. Cute, like two Bratz dolls left out in the sun too long, the pair jiggled and wobbled, said “luv it, luv it” and “woo” a lot very unconvincingly and finished each other’s sentences. They played the Thick Card, hated ‘chavs’ (the irony!) and proclaimed “everyone loves us!” I highly doubt even their parents are all that keen.
Crowd Reaction: Boos. Of course. Hell, I nearly booed and I was 200 miles away with half an eye on The Apprentice.
Prediction: Out soon. Friday I hope. I’m praying they are one entity and they won’t be forced to be separated, one pining wide eyed at the door as Bozo Twin 2 parties large at China Whites with Nikki Grahame and Calum Best.

Second in: Lesley, a 60-year-old retired head hunter who looks like my Auntie Janet but with a better speaking voice. The VT showed her manicured kitchen. She stood only feet away from a book so she is clearly what passes as the ‘intelligent’ quota and she will, therefore, come to her senses within 72 hours as soon as she spots young Pedro’s* erection in the pool one morning when the twins jiggle in tandem. (* Pedro is stereotypical boy who I’m sure is only hours away from our screens.) Lesley is “unpredictable” and hates to be “messed about.” Er, this is Big Brother. Idiot! I for one an immensely looking forward to one of Lesley’s “temper tantrums.” That might even be worth the live streaming fee. Lesley thinks she’ll win. Get a grip woman!
Crowd Reaction: Boos and a half hearted murmur of disinterest.
Prediction: Will walk, run, flee, escape, take flight, disappear, abscond….you get it.

Third in: 21-year-old Charley, an unemployed and unemployable London “It Gewl” with a boob job that couldn’t be more obvious if she'd had them sellotaped to her arse cheeks. Charley writhed her tiny bum in denim shorts and spouted inane crap about “gahin’ aaahhtt” and “baaayyyin’ cloaves” even though she had no job. She financed her cliché ridden existence through her cousin Kieran Richardson, seemingly the only member of her gene pool with any discernible talent, a Man Utd star who bought her a Mini Cooper. Oh Kieran, if only BMW developed brains, then your cash would have been better invested. You have to question the credentials of anyone who has their own name as a tattoo – are you ever likely to forget?
Crowd Reaction: Boos beyond belief…well, no. Not really I expected them. “Get her out!” before she even went in. Marvellous.
Prediction: She’ll be a grower. I think she’ll become a firm favourite soon. That, or a complete cow. These women, eh? No middle ground.

Fourth in: Tracey, a 36-year-old cleaner trapped in 1991 with her Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Shitcoat, pink hair and love of “getting it in a field” (that meant something so different in 2001.) She ‘danced’ on to the stage and talked about how she liked to get “f*cked and bolloxed” and how much she loves her job. She likes the buzz, hates liars and is a happy person because she’s a “nice person.” She sets off good vibes in me even though I have spent the night worrying she may descend into a Tourettes-lite Pete Bennett ‘worthy’ winner who is ever so, ever so, ever so whacky.
Crowd Reaction: Fairly good. None sexually attractive women always do well.
Prediction: If she doesn’t go crackers and at the prospect of no all night, Acid House raves and no glow-in-the-dark babies dummies on a string, she’ll do well.

Fifth in: Chanelle, a 19-year-old from Wakefield who is a prettier version of Victoria Beckham but with none of the charm or ability to bag a millionaire husband, thus forgoing this reality TV shite. She’s clearly smarter than she likes people to think – a terrible indictment of the 21st century is the perpetual, shameful hiding of intellect under a bushel most media hungry women indulge in. Chanelle wants to “give Yorkshire a good name” - well considering she is following in the footsteps of Justine (Who? Exactly!) and ‘Lesleh’ (dumpy gobshite with a heart of stone) it won’t be too difficult.
Crowd Reaction: Pretty girl? Half a working brain? They hate her. Of course. One man bravely cheers.
Prediction: If she is, in fact, not a plant, I think I might like her. I’ll swim against the tide.

Sixth in: Shabnam, a 22-year-old jobless Londoner (Blimey, is there no other city in the entire UK in which to find an unemployed bint?). Shabs is crazy. We know this because she tells us so thirty six times a minute and describes how everyone thinks she’s “nutty” and “mad”. She wears pink gloves, a yellow scarf and shakes her hips like a Nan at a disco. Yeah man! Wild! Her personality is “larger than life” apparently and she loves make up. (Good. Lord.) She likes food and thinks she talks sense. Why do I see her at the centre of a lot of rows?
Crowd Reaction: A relative cheer, hardcore boos. She acts like a knob and gets many more boos.
Prediction: I somehow sense antipathy.

Seventh in: Emily is a 19-year-old drama student and is exactly how you would imagine a 19-year-old drama student. The possessor of misplaced self worth, arrogance and an immediately irritating voice, she seems the sort of girl men will love and girls will hate. She’s one of those well- off types you encounter at university who can’t understand why your daddy hasn’t bought you a brand new car yet despite the fact that a) daddy ran off with a teenage neighbour when you were six or b) he’s still into “manual work” and can’t even afford his own teeth. She looks like Peaches Geldof but with a face you don’t want to punch quite as much. She wants to meet a Pete Doherty type in the house. Don’t be stupid woman! After bullies, racists and trans-gendered anorexics do you really think Endemol would stoop so low as to recruit skanky smack heads as entertainment? What am I saying? Yes. Yes they would. (Kidney? Anyone?)
Crowd Reaction: Half boos, half-hearted claps. Silence, mainly.
Prediction: Errrr? Nowt really. Nowt.

Eighth in: Laura, a 23-year-old nanny is basically a chubby Emo who has forgotten that smiling and pink are banned by the Emo MySpace Massive. Laura is instantly nice but then, so was Grace last year (gulp). Laura is fattish so women like her. She also has a caring job, a cute accent and a sense of self-deprecation (last spotted in 2002 with Alison…only five years in the waiting. Good grief). She wants the dead to look “nice” and she talks quickly like a Welsh Vicky Pollard. She’s fiercely anti-smoking and pro-cooking and has embraced a long lost little known concept called fun.
Crowd Reaction: Good. Cheers, mainly.
Prediction: Difficult. Mid ranging, I think.

Ninth in: Nicky, a 27-year-old admin worker. She has a big fringe and a small frame. Adopted from India into an Irish Catholic family, she loves to smoke (oh now I see the conflict aspect...racism was so last year, smokingism is the key). She’s “sick” of men and seems quite grumpy. I like that. As someone of a similar age and job role as Nicky, I can smell an affinity but I think the best (worst) is yet to come.
Crowd Reaction: Silentish, one boo, two claps and a cheer.
Prediction: Difficult. Last two weeks. I think.

Tenth in: Carol, a 53-year-old Londoner (yawn) who’s the obligatory bisexual. I met a podiatry assistant one called Beverly who wore cat emblazoned jumpers, no make up and a beard and was a passionately fervent “equal rights for caravaners” campaigner. Carol could be her sister. She shakes her fists limply, is also unemployed and used to be a ‘health worker’ (how very generic). She says “facking” a lot just so we know exactly how passionate she is. She does look like a woman who prefers the company of cats but she is, in fact, a campaigner to save local hospitals, stop nuclear testing and end all wars. Carol is a novelty; an opinionated cause caring female who worries not a jot about her appearance. I don’t know what to do with my face. She’s so rare; Bill Oddy should be studying her.
Crowd Reaction: Good. They love her. She still acts like a tit, like your mum on drugs.
Prediction: Dunno why, but I suspect an early eviction.

A man is going in on Friday, just the one. I pity the poor penis-less fool. It’s not only the (previous) women who were stereotyped. I can somehow already see Pedro the Prick gazing absently at Twins in Pants. Meanwhile over on BBC1 Sir Alan Sugar fires the largely blameless Naomi in favour of the chinful, frog like gimp Simon – a man who, though amusing, is summed up in one simple word: Tosser.

Think Big Brother is on to a winner? Would you want to be the only man in that house? Worried that Simon is guaranteed the job? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk