Danielle and Jade, the detritus of this show, continue to discuss their engineered argument against Shilpa. Danielle claims she will “never drink again” before pointing out she wasn’t at fault any way, it was all Shilpa’s fault. Of course it was Dani, Shilpa also caused the Middle East Conflict, the recent increase in air travel tax and the proposed defection of Jose Murhino from Chelsea. “The Cook” makes everyone their lunch again, to which they all thank her with a level of insincerity only ever seen when politicians address a party conference.
Realising some of us would rather take up glue sniffing and dogging if we have to watch much longer, Big Brother sets the group a task so there is something to watch other than a barrage of racist insults and needless bitching. Ian, Jade, Jack and Jo form one group and Jermaine, Dirk, Shilpa, Cleo and Danielle form another. Ian has to teach his group the words and dance moves for the Steps “classic” A Deeper Shade of Blue. Jermaine has to teach his “I Want You Back” a genuine Jackson Five floor filler.
Danielle and Jack go to the bathroom to discuss how Shilpa “wants to be white” because she used hair bleach on her face. Hmmm. How long before someone burns a Cross on her lawn and paints a swastika on her pillowcase? The Steps crew dress in Blue PVC, looking like the rejects that the folks at Barbie throw in the incinerator at the end of each day. Jermaine’s gang have Afros. Without a hint of irony, Jermaine pulls out his Afro comb and brushes his wig.
They finally perform. Dirk looks a little lost, like someone has dressed their granddad in a wig for a laugh whilst he was asleep. The performance is brilliant, even brain-dead Danielle managed to keep up. Sadly, when Ian’s group take the stage Jack forgets his words and the fact that he actually has to move in order to dance. Jo keeps giggling. They are woeful in comparison, much to Ian’s distress. The housemates speculate that the losers of the task will face eviction. Armed with this info I immediately send off a million emails to keep Jermaine Jackson’s group (and Danielle by sickening default).
Tragically, the only award is a party as Jermaine’s group get 75% of the vote. Jade looks forlorn. “Maybe no one likes us” she whines – yeah, keep going Jade. I think pure, blind and rabid hatred it more like it. The party is a none starter. Danielle mercifully keeps her promise to lay off the sauce. No Dani, you go ahead and have a drink and keep showing us what Sage Jermaine calls your “true colours.”
Right on cue, Jade takes herself off to lay alone in the garden before returning and bursting into unfounded tears in the kitchen. Has she had another miraculous trip the Diary Room to be tipped off about her behaviour? Did someone shout what a bitch she actually is over the wall? We are about to see yet another emergence of Saint Jade of Goody soon, mark my words.
Sick of the manipulation? Trust Endemol with your life? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
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