10th February 2007 - Dancing on Ice & Primeval

Dancing On Ice glittered onto ITV1 with lacklustre sparkle. Though I can enjoy this show even whilst comatose in a wine fuelled stupor it lacks something and I’m not entirely sure what it is. Let’s be honest, ice dancing isn’t actually dancing at all is it? Sliding along in tan tights with a fixed grin whilst a perma-tanned, sequin dipped young man flings you though the air, legs akimbo with gusset flashing, isn’t really the same as the Nutcracker Suite or a pulsating, dramatic Tango. Still, it was okayish.
Duncan James who, if the Dictionary was pictorial would have his face appearing next to the definition of ‘smarmy’, had strangely big hair, an orange skin tight top and a disinterested looking partner. Poor Stephen Gately was admonished – probably quite rightly – for not only not dancing but also for not moving, not smiling and not ‘connecting; to his partner. Kay ‘The Bulldog’ Burley seemed only too keen to connect with her partner, the lovely Fred, who looked as though he’d rather remove his own teeth with a toy plastic hammer than let young Kay perv over him for much longer. Fairly, Kay and Stephen polled the lowest scores where as thinning-haired, thickly-chested ex-rugby star Kyran Bracken stormed the top of the leader board with his amazing ability to slide on one knee and bend simultaneously as he danced!

Primeval followed. Clearly aiming for the roaming ever-so-slightly despondent Dr Who/Robin Hood crew, it began with the standard humour and intrigue fair. A scientist (Douglas Henshall), his loyal student (James Murray) and an irritant know-it-all interloper (Andrew Lee-Potts) head into the Forest of Dean to investigate a large hole in a fence and an apparent errant dinosaur. Meanwhile, a lizard loving zoo girl (Hannah Spearitt) decides to venture into the same forest where a young boy found a computer-generated lizard.
I thought I’d give this a go for two reasons. 1) I know Andrew Lee-Potts in real life quite well and he’s a nice bloke and 2) I was hoping Hannah Spearitt could undo the awful image ex-S Clubbers now have in my mind since grubby Jo O’Meara showed her miserable gob on Celebrity Big Brother.
After a lovely looking Home Office worker (Lucy Brown), who bares an uncanny resemblance to Henshall’s dead/missing wife, turned up I knew I was watching a sub-standard X-Files/Torchwood business with scheming characters, annoying kids, time portals and banging music – yet it was surprisingly enjoyable and I haven’t seen a Douglas Henshall performance yet that I didn’t like.
Trouble is, no one in the Home Office is as young or as pretty and Lucy Brown and…I’ve been to the Forest of Dean and the only thing of any creepy note I encountered was an over enthusiastic old man obsessed with fingerless gloves and onanism.

Still, quite a good night in with ITV1.