CBB5: Day 7: Jan 9th 2007

“People will see that you are very genuine, caring and honest” Ian tells Jackiey. Surely this is another of Ian’s comedy moments. Haven’t we all seen that Jackiey is in fact vulgar, ignorant, patronising and loud?

Jade begins to sound out her housemates, telling Danielle she doesn’t trust Shilpa and she “gonna av it out wiv her!” Oh dear, a repeat of Big Brother 3 is on the horizon – Jade’s claws sharpening, posse in position and full on bullying ready to break out! Hasn’t the woman learned anything from her treatment of poor Sophie? And now Shilpa’s going to be on the receiving end, with Mother Goody as second. Poor girl, she gets my vote. Mother Goody takes Ian outside to do her hourly bitch of Shilpa. Ian tries to lighten the mood by pretending not to understand and then ropes a confused looking Jermiane into a conversation about weather.

Danielle agrees with Jade, looks like the Goody’s have an anti-Shilpa voting recruit, but Dani’s not happy. She wants some reciprocal anti-Leo members. Hmmm – it will be Leo, Shilpa and Jackiey up next I tells ya. I feels it in my bones.

Carol and Jo feel uneasy with the atmosphere but agree not to interfere. It’s too late though, Shilpa knows something is wrong and the group divide opens. She seeks comfort with Carol, Cleo and Leo who – for once – allows her to speak. “Jackiey’s only aggressive with me” she says. Of course she is Shilpa dear; you’re young, smart, intelligent and successful. These are concepts Jackiey and her loathsome daughter can only dream of.

Jermaine is dealt a body blow when Jackiey says she thinks of him like an uncle. Poor Jermaine, isn’t his family dysfunctional enough without the Beast of Bermondsey joining it? Besides he can’t be that much older than Jackiey, surely. (She’s ‘ad a ‘ard life, innit? It’s all in Jade’s book!)

Dirk decides to sport an ill advised goatee beard.

By the evening Jade launches into yet another bitch-fest about Shilpa. Holding court to her jester (Ian) and Bimbo in Waiting (Danielle) and displaying more ignorance than is surely possible, she declares “these celebrities who hang on to fame should just let go of the limelight.” Good God woman – heed thyself and bugger off then!

Jermaine reveals that he has tigers, giraffes and parrots. If only he’d brought them – we might have had some entertaining conversations. By nighttime the housemates are all locked in the bedroom. Excitement! Danielle thinks Teddy will be coming in. Instead Big Brother decides to create another anti-climax and a box of red wigs and 80s clothing is delivered instead so everyone can dress up. Jack's 'personality' emerges with a lacklustre Cilla Black impersonation. It's like she's in the room. No. Seriously. Jackiey manages more Shilpa digs, “it doesn’t suit you” “You look like a schoolgirl” “don’t call me 'she' my names Jackiey.” Argh – get this thing off my screen.

Finally they are called to the living room for a task – a maths task! Ten pairs of eyes dart toward Jade and Jackiey – there is almost an audible shared thought of “we have no chance!” They have to answer questions about themselves in order to complete the sum. Cue infinite shouting and shushing and Carole taking charge. No one can add up. Danielle doesn’t care because she’s drunk. Naturally, they get the answer wrong. Jackiey uses it to blame Shilpa again and everyone goes to bed.

Roll on tomorrow and, fingers crossed, an end to one of the Goody’s.

Care? Don’t care? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk