“Great repartee is about listening as well as talking" a frustrated Dirk tells Leo. He’s on dangerous ground, old Dirk. Last time he pointed this out to Leo the hyperactive one went on strike. Dirk is clearly too polite to let rip and tries to be amiable but his body language speaks volumes; it screams, “shut up you annoying little man! Stop making things up, stop interrupting me and stop being inappropriate with Danielle.” Instead he simply smiles.
Carole isn’t as genial. She’s ready to give Leo a “bunch of fives” if he says anything else and I believe it may well happen. Poor Leo really has turned into the sad clown who, alone during the nightshift climbs under the table to hide, tuts and mumbles and sticks his head into the camera as if he’s daring it to say something. There is now a visible gap between the group and Leo. The only people who actually want to talk to him are the “mini-celebs” he hates so much. I am, however, actually looking forward to a Jackiey and Leo talkfest where one interrupts and shouts over the other until one of them spontaneously combusts.
Dirk amuses himself by more endless flirting with Shilpa. “I want you in my harem” he tells her before potting some plants and painting a coat of arms. Shilpa smiles sweetly with a look of ‘silly old man, I’m on my way up and you’re not going to stop the ascent’. Everyone is touched by the blossoming, yet one-sided love story except Leo who is still angry. “I’m here under false pretences,” he whines. Really Leo? Thought this would be a cabaret cruise did you? Didn’t realise it was a Big Brother despite it being called, er, Big Brother? Get a grip man! He then launches into another rant about how the celebrities should still be well treated. Carole, to her credit tells him the fact they are celebrities guarantees them crappy treatment but Leo isn’t happy and stomps his feet in petulance.
A strange gurgling noise permeates the air. Cleo looks at the sink in panic, probably wondering if she washed the chicken remainders down the pipe by mistake. Crisis averted! It’s only Jo, suddenly becoming overwhelmed by it all. There have been a lot of tears this year, Jade, Jackiey, Shilpa, Cleo, Jo and Danielle – the viewers. Bring back the hard faced mob of Pete Burns, George Galloway and Dennis Rodman.
Finally the mind numbingly pointless servants task ends and the house reunites. Jackiey follows Jermiane around like a demented puppy, yapping and yapping at his feet until he has no choice but to talk to Ian about the best way to fold trousers, hoping he can bore Jackiey out of the room. Jack’s face lights up at the sight of Danielle. Hmmm. How long before an almighty Jade V Jack V Danielle bitch fight starts? I wouldn’t be too adverse – it would give Jack a purpose at least.
The task results are announced, Carol, Ian, Cleo, Dirk and Danielle all pass which is a miracle considering Danielle spent most of the task in bed whining and not wearing her uniform. Anyone get the feeling the BB bosses realise a drink fuelled party, rather than strict adherence to rules may be what this show needs for a kick start?
Jo fails for allowing Ken to make his own food. Leo fails due to falling asleep on shift – neither look to happy at the prospect that they may be shut in a room together away from the party.
The group are awarded with a takeaway menu and champagne. Jackiey asks, “Dirk what would you like Asian, Chinese or Indian?" “Indian.” He replies, looking at Shilpa. “Food, not women” Shilpa carefully responds. Dirk gallantly refuses Shilpa’s beer when she offers it to him – not that he is trying to get her drunk at all. Once again he is left devastated when she reveals she doesn’t drink. Shilpa has bigger things to worry about – she’s said f*** three times now and the Indian press will crucify her. Jade has to sit outside. The thought of her mother mixing with alcohol has clearly made her terrified. Her oh-so-supportive boyfriend Jack stands ten feet away from her and listens impassively (of course) to her concerns whilst keeping his eye out for Dani.
The party ends as predictably as the entire show – with a whimper. Nearly everyone is ready for bed by midnight. Still, at least Leo has managed to jolly himself up again. Dirk and Carole have an impassioned and deeply fascinating conversation about parental influence on a child’s lust for fame. So, with all the certainty of England Ashes defeat, the Big Brother bosses pan away and focus on Shilpa’s eyelids, struggling to remain open as Leo drones on, and on, and on, and on, and on…
Glad the task is over? Missing Ken yet? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
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