Dirk gets a shower. Jo is shocked that he has used soap. I doubt Jo has ever had a shower, let alone seen soap. “Let me smell you,” Shilpa says to Dirk. Seeing his perfect opportunity, Dirk goes in for the kill and pulls Shilpa into a cuddle. Cleo, desperate for some Dirk action (aren’t we all?) suddenly decides to squeal loudly and pretend to be superman, but Dirk only has eyes for one and it aint Cleo. Sensing that Shilpa may be off limits, Jo, Danielle and Cleo realise that, as an outlet for their insensible rage, Dirk is next.
Dani laughs pathetically but Dirk isn’t fooled. “No,” he says. “Real laughing.” Dani is too stupid to understand. Dirk has had everyone sussed since day one. Dani wants to put his hair in bunches using bobbles but this is like a foreign language to Dirk – what are bunches and what are bobbles? In fact, what the hell is Danielle?
Jermaine is glad that Jade has gone as he too has seen her malign influence. “People out there are good.” He says as though his faith in humanity has been restored. Shilpa feels uncomfortable that she survived over Jade. “She told me she had a huge fan base.” She says incredulously. Well Shilpa, I doubt she ever did – another media myth – Propaganda Department care of J. Noel Management.
Cleo dresses up as her alter ego Tiara and drapes herself over Dirk. Everyone laughs but Dirk is not impressed and tells her to leave him alone. Shilpa takes her to one side but Cleo isn’t happy. “He can dish it out but he cannot take it.” She moans. Funny, Cleo I don’t recall Dirk wearing a red wig and throwing himself on a disinterested party. Ian and Jermaine, both very wise men, refer to the coven as a “clique” and Ian is especially upset that the group are still unable to get on.
Things turn nasty again. Jo spits more bile about Dirk smoking in the house – what? I’ve never seen her without a fag – even when she’s suffering an oh-so-convenient ‘panic attack’. Jack reckons he’ll snatch Dirk’s cigar and flush it down the toilet. You wouldn’t dare – maggot boy! Dirk sits outside alone looking glum. Shilpa joins him. “I told Cleo to stop,” he says. “She crossed the line. The bigger the front the bigger the back – she is the opposite of what she pretends to be.” Dirk is very wise. The house is simply a poisonous place with its poisonous inmates - Jack, Jo, Danielle and now Cleo.
Jermaine thinks it would be best to dispense more of his sage like wisdom and tell the girls to leave Dirk alone. I sense this won’t work Jermaine, not if you are banking on them having any respect, decency, humour, grace or morality. The bitching is relentless. Dirk goes to Diary Room for hours. Cleo and Jo are delighted that he may leave. Shilpa tries to defend him. “He’s missing his kids. He’s been through a lot. His cancer…”
“So what?” Jo snaps. She just gets better doesn’t she? Charming individual. Everyone should have a Jo – makes you feel instantly better about yourself. You might be a miser with a crap job, fat arse and drink problem but at least you aren’t a bitter and twisted young woman with a massive face, wrinkled brow, hygiene problem and severe depression.
Big Brother sees that the housemates (and the viewers) are bored and provides a table football. Hell fire, will the entertainment never end? Dirk goes to bed. Shilpa wishes him goodnight in an attempt to flirt but he’s not in the mood. Something must be wrong if he can’t even manage a flirt.
The grown ups go to bed and Cleo; rapidly turning into the new leader of the ‘pack’ decides to put in yet another plan of action to wind up Dirk. “Let’s hide ‘is ‘wassaname” Jack enthuses. Excuse me, say what? They decide that everything Dirk likes they’ll hide. Cleo’s hell bent on waking him and, true to form, with her drunken minions in tow a play fight breaks out in the bedroom, waking a cranky Dirk. Danielle and Jack get close – oh dear Jade and Teddy, hope you are watching. Jack’s hands get busy with himself…again! Jo grins, well I think it’s a grin but its hard to tell when the subject looks like a bulldog licking a thistle.
Danielle takes her lip liner into the loo and scrawls something on the door that Cleo and Jo laugh at. Hmmm, I wonder what? A swastika? A comedy penis? A “nominate Dirk” signal? This is literally eyeball bleeding, rib cracking, head spinningly bad. Channel 4 has been so terrified (or cunning) to act that they don’t know what they are doing. Hey, Endemol, heads up! I’ll give you this one for free…put everyone up for eviction – scrap pointless and influenced nominations and lets have a double kick out on Wednesday so any of the Jo/Jack/Cleo/Danielle gang can go…either that or, when another helicopter flies over the house, please ensure it is a Chanook with many, many missiles.
Want the see the housemates bombed? Does solvent abuse suddenly seem tempting? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
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