Cleo exercises in the bedroom. Dirk looks on, aghast, from his bed. The A-Team theme is played into the room and Dirk shoots out of bed, with a quick salute. Jermaine makes tea in a very serene way. All housemates crawl out of bed to see what awaits them in the larder. Cleo takes the opportunity to bitch to Ian about these now infamous “lies” Dirk is meant to have told, though what these are is anyone’s guess. Cleo’s obsession with Dirk is as unbalanced and as unwholesome as Jade’s was with Shilpa. Danielle runs to the toilet with loo roll in hand, screaming “My backside is gonna burst!!!” Lovely!
Danielle later decides to cooks something she deludedly refers to as “shepherd’s pie” although it looks more like the remnants of Dani’s earlier backside explosion. When lunch is over, the boys and Shilpa go outside. Jack offers Shilpa his jacket. What? That boy scares me sometimes. His jacket? Meanwhile Jo and Cleo embark on some more Dirk slating. “He repulses me” Jo declares. Please Jo do you not see the irony in any of your statements you dog breath stinking crusty fingered hound? Danielle and Jack remain outdoors struggling to fathom out what clouds are made of. Hmmm is it Bimbo and Himbo brain matter?
Just as the tedium is about to kill me, the housemates are called to the bedroom “until further notice”. Pearl of wisdom number 3 from Jack: Wee on your hands to make them soft. No wonder he likes Jade. She seems the sort to stink of pi$$. Finally, everyone is called to the dining table and Dirk reads out the latest task:
“In 2007 a crack Unit is sent to Big Brother House. Rewards must be retrieved by using the tools provided with ingenuity”. Ingenuity? They’ve come to the wrong house. A strange lump of trashy crap sits in the living room (not Danielle) and it seems the inmates have to fish the junk out after creating fishing rods.
Shilpa wins a bear, Dani some doughnuts; Dirk goes for whiskey and a salmon that has been scraped on the floor…. Cleo some bath stuff. Jo won’t take part, claiming she “dunt want nufin’ or nufin’” which I’m sure she will stick to religiously when demanding Dirk’s booze! No, within twenty minutes she’s begging Dirk for some of the whiskey. Jermaine is determined to win a battered old bag (not Cleo, but a suitcase). First £10 shoes and now an old suitcase? That man sure is frugal. Ian gallantly wins some tacky looking jewellery for the girls.
Dirk laughs “Is that a dog collar? I wonder if Jo would want that.” Referring of course to her dogs and not her good self. Ian attempts humour “don’t you just love it when a plan comes together” he says somewhat predictably. There is an audible groan.
Dirk cooks the skanky fish despite Jo’s moans and Jermaine’s look of horror. Everyone then returns to the bedroom with their “goodies” Shilpa waxes Jack’s legs…and he screams like a ‘gewl’ – Dirk decides to join in to which Cleo declares, “I love you Dirk! I’ve hated you these last 3 days but I love you now.” Run Dirk. Run like the wind! Flee! “I prefer the hate” Dirk grimaces. Instead they hug, in a rather lacklustre fashion.
Realising that being an unreasonable, stroppy behemoth can make you successful, as it did Nikki Grahame; Danielle decides to throw a massive hissy fit because she didn’t win any nail glue. Jo, just for a change, decides to laugh and torment Dani. Suddenly Cleo’s spine starts to show! What? Cleo who couldn’t give a toss that Jade nearly thumped Shilpa for weeks on end? Cleo’s simpering gets worse. “You must make up with her, Jo” she says. “She’s very sensitive”
Without warning Cleo launches into another sad-old-lady paean to the late Kenny Everett, her “soul mate” which has everyone in tears – even me…well nearly. Dirk cooks his salmon to perfection, it’s like a work of art and everyone – even the idiots appreciate it. Danielle’s ‘shepherd’s pie’ is discussed with brevity. Cleo and Dirk bond over their mutual dislike of it.
An obvious divide forms again. Jermaine and Dirk discuss world affairs and pressing international politics. Cleo and Jo discuss Danielle’s vomiting. The grown ups go to bed again, and Shilpa settles down to meditate. “Knock off the meditation I want to talk to you..... Every time I want to have a serious conversation you meditate” Dirk teases. “You’ve had 23 days to wake me up in the morning with a gentle shake and say ' wake up Dirk I'm hungry, I want you to make me some soup ....... but nothing'” He laughs.
“Where did the old Dirk go to today, you've changed and it's nice?” Replies Shilpa before nodding off. “Ah a little of my real personality maybe sneaking out” Comes the reply. Jermaine smiles to himself…the tepid flirting is the only the keeping him going. Hell, it’s the only thing keeping me going.
Glad it’s nearly gone? Worried for Cleo’s mental health? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
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