Jermaine wakes early and begins to clean all the dishes and surfaces. I love a clean man, myself. Ian joins him. “I’ve never done anything like this before.” He says. “And I never will again.” I don’t blame you Ian. Jermaine gets carried away. “I’m going to have another cup of tea.” Go for it Jermaine! The tolling bell of doom alarm wakes the sleeping contestants. Danielle screams, cranking up the Nikki impression, Dirk, now in recovery from Cleo-ism speaks about the dream he had where the British public pelted him with stones.
Dirk goes to the bedroom to exercise topless. Jack follows suit, treating everyone to an unwanted view of his scrawny chest and pasty skin. Danielle goes to the garden with Jo who clamps her duvet to her. She has to be in bed wherever she goes that girl. “I can’t wait to see Teddy,” Danielle squeals. Quick, someone catapult a copy of today’s The Sun over the fence and let young Dani see that Teddy has chucked her garb in the street.
Cleo comes and joins the girls. “It depends on tonight’s highlights as to who will go,” she says. Well, there we have it! Now we know why she apologised to Dirk and tried to make her peace. To wind them up Dirk calls Cleo and Shilpa fat and ugly. “We've discovered you're a livewire,” Cleo answers. “I may be a deadwire when I get outta here!” Replies Dirk. Never Dirk…
Back in the kitchen, Jack nearly dies of delight when he discovers what a cappuccino is. Jo claims her bad moods are down to PMT. I’ve never know anyone’s PMT to last nine years but still…Everyone dresses prettily, even Jo. Ian shows more cleavage than is necessary…but Ian needn’t worry. He won’t be evicted. They gather and await the eviction results.
Justice prevails and Jo is announced as the next housemate the leave. Hoards of angry morons chant ‘Get Jo Out’, which she hears…promoting mass panic, faux reassurance and Danielle crapping her pants. Cleo is announced as next to leave. Whatever I’ve said about Cleo I admire her bravery. She fronts out the crowd, boobs forward, head back, big grin and inane wave – dragging Jo behind like a terrified toddler. “They’re booing” Jo whines. “Who cares?” Says Cleo.
Jo has her interview with a tough talking Davina but remains entirely impassive, cold and unmoved by the furore. “I aint a racist coz me cousin married an Indian” – say what? Heaven help us. She’s shown the newspapers, shown the bullying, shown everything but her frozen hard skinned face doesn’t crack. “It wunt that bad.” She says. “I never said nuffin’ racist” she claims after Davina plays the racist clip. Jo is ushered away and I have a nasty taste in my mouth but a sense of pride that the public voted the dreadful woman out.
Cleo is interviewed next. I’ve never seen a more incoherent, bizarre and frankly creepy interview in my life. Cleo thinks Danielle and Jack are the best! She wants to murder Dirk. She didn’t stop the bullying because she didn’t think she could and it needed “a man” She struggles to answer any questions and stares ahead like a rabbit recovering from a road traffic accident. I think I can hear John Noel’s head falling into his hands somewhere off set.
Danielle, distraught that her behaviour may have been seen in as bad a light as Jo’s, cries for an age. She is only cheered when Ian finds a pubic hair on his beer. I don’t want to know how that got there but I reckon Jack may have taken a piss in the bottle, thinking it was Soy Sauce. Danielle follows Dirk and Jermaine outside and chats…in her best babyish voice. Jack joins in a does an impression of a lamb – or maybe that was simply his true self? Dirk is at ease and discusses past loves and mountain lions. “There was a panther in Epping” Jack says. Pity you didn’t encounter it one dark night Jack…Dirk sighs in a way that indicates he’s been here before…. two annoying youngsters talking crap. You can tell he’s a father.
Bedtime comes. Ian pushes his bed net to Shilpa’s. “Dirk’s been wanting to do that for days.” Shilpa laughs. She and Ian discuss Danielle, claiming she is lovely, but stupid and easily led. Meanwhile Danielle bounces on Jack’s bed and playfully punches him before he lamely lobs a shoe at her. Ian finally bores Shilpa to sleep and promptly lays awake, sniffing endlessly for hours.
Want a Jo O’Meara dressing gown? Wish Cleo was your mum? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment