Big Brother - Day 13 - June 11th 2007

Charley and Shabnam sit up all night spewing venomous drivel about Chanelle. It’s not even remotely unpleasant to watch, just ever so tedious and tiresome. Aware that the cameras are on her, Charley decides she will once again be on “the front page of every paper” by having a quick contrived snog with Shab. Let it go Charley, I hardly think The Guardian will snub the G8, Darfur and Gordon Brown just to see your slavering chops attached to some other horrendous wannabe with a Care in the Community Order. Charley must be very desperate…the last person who went within a mile radius of Shabnam’s gob is now in an MRSA induced coma.

The morning comes and it takes all of two seconds after the alarm for Charley to start up again. It’s as if she has a Bitch Switch at the back of her head and someone unseen turns her off at around 4am before she automatically reinstalls it at alarm time. Nicky is on the receiving end because she had too many cigs, or too few. I can’t tell, Charley’s trap is in full throttle, like a rollercoaster with a turbo engine “not been funny yea, but me of all people yea, and anyway yea, I aint even saying that, but you see I dunt even know yea, because” Shut. Up. Idiot.

Seany sports a hat that makes him look like a Smurf, only more hairy and sinister. He’s recovered from his day long perv sessions, I mean Interview Task to help Nicky calm down a rearrange the fridge. Carole sits and eats a banana quietly. I’m quite convinced Carole has laced all of her fruit with some mind altering drug that she managed, allegedly, to get from Tracey on opening night. How else can she stand to watch and listen to the endless, repetitive and not even slightly interesting goings on in the house? She must be off her tits.
Since nominations are due Shabnam decides to wash her clothes, which must be the first time in about seventeen years. Once she has managed to chisel them from their rotting position on the floor, carpet melting slowly beneath, she leaves them stagnating in the bath until Carole declares they are “disgusting” and need sorting.

Gerry decides to indulge in a bit of his own sniffing and lays on Ziggy’s bed, inhaling deeply. I hope to all that is holy and decent that this will not be a repeat of the Anthony-Craig-Anthony lust triangle we endured in BB6. I’m not sure my fingertips could stand another all night gnawing as Gerry coos “I’ll look after you” like a serial killer picking up a drunken hitchhiker.

Ziggy lays under the sun lounger trying to sleep without the constant whirring of Charley’s mouth and Sam and Amanda’s “woo”. The camera zooms in. I’m sorry but no way is Ziggy 26. His skin is leathery. Hard to believe he and I popped out of our mamas in 1981. Not unless his mother got pregnant in 1968 and delayed his birth through hard work and gin.

The twins have been selected to nominate alongside Seany and Gerry. Clearly this was an easy choice, a cop out. Sam and Amanda are so bland, so indecipherable and impenetrable it is impossible to tell who they do and don’t like and if they are capable of independent thought. Will Amanda transmit her scary telepathic twinnish thoughts to Sam when it comes to her turn? Will they nominate one another? Will they both do everyone a favour and nominate Charley? The excitement is sure to kill me.

Chanelle and Ziggy spoon in bed. Again. There is so much slurpage I have to hit mute. How boring are these two? They never have a conversation except for Ziggy speaking very fast and mumbly about nothing and Chanelle saying, “oh, I know”. Even more shocking is the sudden Gerry and Seany flirtation, grins and ear strokes and general burgeoning lust. I honestly thought Gerry would have better taste and I’m still not convinced Seany is gay, not the way his eyes appraise Amanda’s breasts at every opportunity. For the 180th time today, Nicky whines “I’m not going to get stressed about food” before she gets stressed about food.

Carole dances to the alarm, a mass of wobbling flesh and wild hair. She’s the only one so far today holding my interest. Shabnam fishes for nomination news but Amanda and Gerry buffer her annoying talk and discuss Laura’s future career in undertaking instead.

Anyone else bored?

Fascinated by recent events? Worry that Seany is not quite “there”? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk