Jonathan wakes and pads around the bathroom, his moobs on shuddering display. An alarm wakes the housemates, who now fearful of another bowl of slop. Brian moans. “They are annihilating us” he says. Jonathan grumps on about not wanting anything, not even a task. Leave then mate, feel free. Jonathan discusses Charley; "everyone is talking about her inside the house and everyone is talking about her outside it, so its working for her!”
Ziggy hates Charley, he has decided that she is simply nasty. Jonathan disagrees, “she has talent” he says. Excuse me? If talent is wearing crotch crippling hot pants and shouting expletives ten to the dozen then yes, she sure has talent. I expect her to display it in front of Cowell, Holden and Morgan on the next series of that God awful ITV1 “talent” show. Ziggy gets up and walks away in disgust. Another rift?
Their slop is delivered along with a vitamin pill. Laura and Tracey pretend it tastes much better but Brian, Charley and Nicky still retch as they struggle with their tiny mouthfuls. Everyone else manages surprisingly well.
Later Nicky and Liam help Brian wash the skid marks out of his pants. Dear. Lord. How shall I recover? Outside the twins try and drown Ziggy in the pool as Carole pontificates about how the “game is fixed” in favour of Charley. Nothing to do with you being up for eviction then, eh Carole? Jonathan, the Endemol insider, rubs his hands with glee. Makes sense I suppose for Endemol to put one of their own in…no more Emily style n*gger slip-ups.
After their millionth blazing row, Charley and Billi are sent to a “Happy Room” where they get champagne and strawberries to help them calm down. Ziggy is apoplectic (he’s also more coherent when angry, have you noticed?) and tries to get into the Diary Room but BB won’t let him in. Carole starts cleaning in frenzy, twittering about BB favouring Charley over and over like a manic Duracell bunny left out in the rain for too long.
By evening, Jonathan announces he has talked to Big Brother and he has asked to leave. There are some tears and a few shrugs. Brian gets stressed and walks up and down repetitively to calm himself down. Everyone pretends to be sorry that Jonathan is leaving, shedding “crocodile tears” as Gerry calls them. Carole is gutted and snipes that it must be Nicky’s fault (of course. I hold Nicky responsible for my badly behaved dog and my mounting debts, the existence of Peaches Geldof, the recent heavy rain, house prices rises and the war in Iraq.)
At midnight twins are set a psychic test, but are pretty terrible – yet they some how pass. “I drawed an apple and she drawed a pineapple” they laugh when they manage to draw one image correctly through being ‘psychic’. “We are psychopathic” Amanda says. I always thought so. They choose Chanelle and Liam to celebrate with them but Chanelle is already feeling sick, Nicky goes instead but the cakes will not be made of icing sugar.
Gerry in protest covers his head in the slop. He threatens to put it on his genitals but says there isn’t enough. Billi and Charley won’t eat – Charley is forced to eat it in the Diary Room – que: a mighty strop for the highlights. Billi angrily bangs on the diary room door to protest again about Charley’s ‘preferential treatment’
The twins are appalled when they find their cake is filled with slop. Liam is happy enough that one of the cakes has corned beef. “I like corned beef” he laughs. Nicky takes it well, although she manages to swear some crudeness to Big Brother first. Sam and Liam bond over their mutual dislike of Carole and her attitude.
Back in the bedroom Charley, on a loop of irritancy, maintains she will leave in the morning if she has to eat slop again. Here is your chance BB, more slop for Charley and she can bugger off home.
Want a corned beef cake? Think Carole is a bit mental? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
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