Jonathan who really wants to go, yes he really wants to leave. He wants to go you know? Yes, that’s right – leave, he wants to leave. Well, by 10.30am after he has said he wants to leave – go, you know, leave, is still sleeping. Blimey, even Blair didn’t take this long to exit. Chanelle and Ziggy sleep on the sofas, Chanelle sick and Ziggy wanting to leave as well. When Jonathan wakes up, he (shock horror) is having second thoughts. “You still here then?” Tracey grumbles when she sees him. Good old Trace – that rudeness in her they don’t like is what makes her better to watch than Jonathan and his contrived ‘I’ve made up my mind’ bollox.
They are all allowed to sing for their breakfast…and they are all awful Why am I reminded of the Eurovision episode of 'Father Ted' with the 'My lovely horse' song? Only it isn’t even as good as that. Yet, somehow and inevitably, they pass.
They receive a little hamper with bread, oranges and sausage from the Diary Room. Laura quickly snaffles the sausage as everyone else perks up at the carbohydrates on offer. Finally, after Billi whines on like an injured dog, Jonathan packs his bags and says goodbye. Nicky and Brian dance by the bath and even manage to elicit a smile from Carole Fun-Sucker. Jonathan then returns from the diary room to announce he will stay. What an absolute prat he is. Either stay or go, don’t mumble on about it! Tosser!
Laura straddles Liam to give him a massage which is a shock since a) she doesn’t crush him and b) he quite likes it. Jonathan reminds Nicky and Brian they are being watched by “eight million people” (more like half that Jon) but tells them they will have fans. “Charley will have fans too,” he says. “About 11 of them”
The youngsters bar Laura (because it involved movement) play around in the pool, as Ziggy and Chanelle snuggle somewhere. When it gets too cold Nicky and Liam return to the shower for…well, a lot of “harmless” rubbing, touching and wrestling. If that is Liam giving someone the brush off, he can give me the brush off any time he likes! In the garden later Liam discusses his ‘mental block’ when it comes to relationships with a (far too) philosophical Gerry who simply just wants some “cock”.
In the evening, as Carole and Laura cook hearts and kidneys provided by Big Brother (cue – more Chanelle vomiting) Brian is still perplexed by number twos. “I don't think women do proper poo” he says. “Next time I do a proper poo I'll proper show you” Tracey tells him. “It’s like the culture show”. Says Jonathan, immediately regretting his decision to stay.
Brian and Nicky decide to have fun and dance in the garden most of the evening, only it is more like a kind of bizarre giggling than dancing. Nicky tries to teach Brian cartwheels but he ends up falling over a balloon and then talking about his “boners” and how everything is ‘mentawl’. Billi snakes around with Charley, plotting something…Sam breaks a jug, Amanda laughs but it sends Carole mad. “The jug!” she cries – the jug has replaced the towel in Carole’s affections.
Fancy throwing jugs at Carole? Wants a shower with Liam? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
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