Eviction night more or less whimpered on to screen. Struggling against the inexplicably popular Britain’s Got Talent (it doesn’t – all weeping kids nursing shattered dreams and big-busted women in ill-fitting leotards? Talent. Yeah, sure.) and a second episode of Coronation Street (Claire Peacock sure is determined that one of her sons will be hit by a car). Carole, a moany woman of 53 who looks 30 years older, Tracey a conservative raver and Shabnam a vainglorious monstrosity of mental illness, desperation and BO – waited with a mixure of hope and fear for eviction. Hope they would leave Charley behind and fear that they might not.
The day has been tense. Charley gets an official warning for masterminding a plan to plaster a sleeping Gerry with eyeliner as he lies in ignorance. The group decides she’s trouble and shun her, only they forget that in order to successfully shun someone you shouldn’t be talking to them or fixing their hair. Everyone waits for the eviction – Davina announces that four more men are to go in as Shabnam (dead cert) leaves – no doubt adding further to the air of disappointment already saturating the air.
The men enter – Housemate 15 is Billi, a 25-year-old model. He’s “bored” modelling (there is only so much pouting and scowling in sync anyone can do). He wants to become a fashion advisor, a sort of low rent, disingenuous Gok Wan. He has to straighten his mad curly hair every day, he loves to wrestle and go “women hunting” since “standards are lower at 3.30am.” It’s clear when he enters that he quite likes the triplets – Amanda, Sam and Chanelle. Billi scares me; his agency name is ‘Massimo.’ The crowd, when not indifferent, are bored. I have no hopes.
House Reaction: An oddly ‘meh’ feel. Gerry thinks he may be gay.
Housemate 16 is Jonathan. He is 49, a poor man’s East End gangster. He’s a millionaire with no taste and a dark side. He can’t be humiliated apparently (please!) and he’s “blunt and cutting” (pah) and enjoys people looking at him. I hope he lives up to it – I suspect he won’t. His money and brashness will instantly attract Charley and annoy Tracey and Seany. He is strangely camp.
House Reaction: Craziness. The twins embrace him and Shabnam immediately tries to set him up with Carole. He says something to Tracey that makes her pull a face of either horror or delight – but I never get to find out.
Housemate 17 is Liam, a 22-year-old tree surgeon from Durham. He has a fit body and a nice ish face. He also plays cricket. The girls love him, Nicky especially. He seems a canny lad, and knows more than he lets on. I like him. He’s one to watch.
Housemate 18 is Brian a 19-year-old IT man from Essex. He loves to party and thinks he looks like 50 Cent. He seems a good soul really, I get good vibes – he loves people and will always be up for a confrontation. Brian gets quite a good reception; he loves cosmic ordering and lives with his apparently formidable mum.
House Reaction: Mental. Charley and the twins go mad. Seany is delighted, Ziggy is glad of some more testosterone, but sadly, Charley knows him.
Shabnam is evicted with a massive 81.4% of the vote (out of 3?). “Please don’t boo me” she whines “ I’m fun. I love you all!” she acts crackers and the crowd inevitably revert to type, “off, off, off” they cry. “Who are you, who are you, who are you?”
The next day the new men are made to sing for their supper in an entirely cringeworthty and embarrassing rendition of YMCA, dressed as the Village People. I’m not sure I will ever eradicate the image of Jonathan as Native American chief…I’m shuddering now.
Charley has another major strop over the dreaded and hopefully-soon-to-be-binned hair straightners. Nicky asserts it must be because she managed a whole day of no arguing and something had to give. Charley thinks someone is “trying to make me look stupid? Singularly forgetting that she has a plethora of idiot skills all of her own. Billi feels the wrath considering he loves straightening himself (aint that the truth). Brian feels awkward, he tries to be wise, tries to counsel Charley but the woman is a stranger to wisdom as she is a stranger to decorum.
Only Seany remains with any patience for the increasingly isolated Charley – but then, he works with hundreds of ‘disengaged youths’ everyday and he has a touch of madness himself (Michael Jackson?). Laura is blamed for leaving the hair straightener gas on immediately re-igniting (!) her bulldog chewing a wasp face, which sets in for the duration.
Liam has everyone sussed in a heartbeat – Charley is a “lick arse” Ziggy is “canny” and Chanelle is the “most attractive” – the others need to “work hard”. Liam is like the male version of Chanelle, pretty on the outside, smart as hell on the inside. I think I might like him.
Carole gets to play mother, much to Jonathan’s pleasure. There’s no chemistry there, just a brotherly sisterly affection. Tracey suddenly relaxes, Sam and Amanda become obsessed with Brian, and Laura grumps. Business is as it ever was.
Love the new men? Prefer tuneless fat men as the representation of Britain’s talent?
Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
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1 comment:
The appeal of britain's got talent is a weird one. Yet it was kind of entertaining. normally I hate that sort of thing though.
I hated the way everyone though Jonathan should get with carole just cos 'they are old'! How ridiculous!
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