The trouble with hastily enforced OfCom dictated new rules is that you have to stick to them.
Emily, the blonde empty eyed Hollyoaks clone with the voice like a posh Orville the Duck, postponed her tedious rows with Chanelle to dance in her pants in the garden with Charley and Nicky. She tried to be hip, she tried to be jive…she somehow ended up calling Charley a n***er. Heck! Emily retired to bed and hoped no one saw. Charley and Nicky twittered on about how nothing had happened, immediately piquing the interest of the entire house who guessed exactly what was said. Fifteen worn out Channel 4 Executives sat with their heads in their hands, a vision of Shilpa Shetty’s wholesome tears rushing through their minds. Emily is dragged knickerless out of bed at 3.30am and instantly ejected from the house for her racist remarks.
Lesley is unperturbed. Emily’s “stirring” had met a buffer in Lesley. She reads Big Brother’s laminate explanation with no emotion save a twinkle of superciliousness. Ziggy/Zac, a 26-year-old man of 44 nods knowingly, stating that what Emily said was “not cool” before comforting Charley and rubbing Chanelle’s neck. The mood is one of deflation.
Shabnam Soap Dodger, a woman so mucky Channel 4 already employed her in a series about mucky people, is spared her eviction. Still, in Shabnam Land everything is always “great” and everyone “gorgeous.” “I’m just here for exposure” she opines several times a minute. Shabnam dear, please stop exposing it…I for one don’t want to see it. Big Brother cannot be bothered to continue with Shabnam’s punishment now Emily has gone. They relent meekly and the shower room is opened and skanky Shab finally gets a wash. The colour of her bath water! Ugh.
Vapid Twin 1 straightens Chanelle’s hair whilst Vapid Twin 2 looks on. Charley plays the racially abused victim, “Emily wasn’t offensive yeah, but you know, yeah, she so shouldn’t have said it yeah?” I’m sure Charley thinks this will win it for her, after all it worked for Shilpa. Charley my love, Shilpa had decorum and a career you have a size zero arse and a gob like a rip in the space time continuum.
Carole discovers something dangerously close to a personality, something she has successfully hidden since her entrance VT. She decides to play a trick on Lesley which I somehow doubt will go down well. Tracey flops around the house “‘aving it” and “dealing wiv it” extending her annoying repertoire of adding “age” to absolutely bloody everything; Ruleage was broken, Boobage was on display. Someone had a cup of tea-age. Tracey – piss offage and have a washage!
Laura the woman who apprently needs more food than anyone else (you don’t get fat through need my dear, just greed. And thyroid.) lollops on the sofa in her dressing gown contributing nothing, not even a jolly Myfanwyism. She’s a bit like Jo O’Meara but lacking the reckless edge. Since she was prized away from the fridge by Nicky the Fringe, Laura has offered nothing, not even a small undercurrent of wit. Thank goodness for Lesley, a grumpy bossy old woman who I think I shall model myself on.
With the moronic but strangely compulsive Emily gone, Big Brother really needs some men. I’m a free thinking, future loving feminist and all that balls but please…a couple of Alpha males and a miserable old sod would do the house a world of good, plus Ziggy/Zac, the lipless, leather-faced sh*t stirrer needs someone to call him out. Lesley needs someone who might, just might, get her asides and her jokes. Charley needs another excuse to talk about herself and complain, “I’m not being funny yeah? But…” etc etc etc. Thankfully, two men are to enter tonight.
God rest Emily, long live a man of distinction.
Think Charley is a victim? Trust Ziggy with your life? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
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