Waterloo Road is largely and enjoyable viewing experience despite its many, many flaws. There seems to be a distinct lack of drama on any channel at the moment that deals in anything close to reality. The ‘concept’ drama is still very much alive and, in my opinion, had outstayed its welcome. Waterloo Road has at least one foot in the real world and has a smattering of believable characters – the cynical old History teacher, the spinster French teacher, the irritating expelled student with a face you could take ratting.
Unfortunately a few too many worthy ‘issues’ are creeping in and gathering, riot style, into the one same episode: pupil-teacher crush, lonely teacher gets MS, stressed mother goes into tragic premature labour, ex-junkie goes home to her sinister step-dad, teenage girl raped in bushes, 17-year-old boy begins illicit tryst with 30-year-old secretary…Still, the authentic moments shine through and that makes it almost worthwhile. I’m quite hopeful the issues will resolve ad a bit of human drama may surface.
The Verdict had too much human drama – so much so I thought I might end up having a nervous breakdown. The show was incredibly depressing, yet frighteningly real. The biggest problem for me was not the very predictable young-girl-roasted-or-raped-by-grubby-footballers trial, it was the ridiculous jury. I’m sure the BBC was trying to highlight the very real difficulty and responsibility such a trial holds, but choosing a jury that would never pass the selection stage was simply pointless. An ex-footballer with a penchant for girlfriend beating and dogging? An angry ex-rapper cleared – eventually – of murder? A campaigning mother who’s child was herself raped and murdered? An ex-MP jailbird who himself lied in court? A woman who began a world famous sex-toy shop? Come on! Most people with dull and colourless lives would struggle with such a trial but neither the ‘victim’ nor the ‘accused’ can have felt any confidence when they saw that bizarre group of ‘representatives’.
Naturally all charges were acquitted and, surprisingly for me, the jury did do their best to remove emotion and follow the facts only – but the truly harrowing aspect of the entire show was that at least 75% of the jury felt that the victim had been raped but couldn’t convict the accused for a very minor – but very real – reason. It appears that burdening a rape victim with a very public display of disbelief is much easier to live with that burdening a guilty party with prison purely on a technicality.
It’s no wonder the conviction rate for rape is dropping. If any potential future rape victims watched The Verdict, I doubt they’d even bother phoning the police – and who can blame them?
Bring back comedy. Please? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Friday, 16 February 2007
Saturday, 10 February 2007
10th February 2007 - Dancing on Ice & Primeval
Dancing On Ice glittered onto ITV1 with lacklustre sparkle. Though I can enjoy this show even whilst comatose in a wine fuelled stupor it lacks something and I’m not entirely sure what it is. Let’s be honest, ice dancing isn’t actually dancing at all is it? Sliding along in tan tights with a fixed grin whilst a perma-tanned, sequin dipped young man flings you though the air, legs akimbo with gusset flashing, isn’t really the same as the Nutcracker Suite or a pulsating, dramatic Tango. Still, it was okayish.
Duncan James who, if the Dictionary was pictorial would have his face appearing next to the definition of ‘smarmy’, had strangely big hair, an orange skin tight top and a disinterested looking partner. Poor Stephen Gately was admonished – probably quite rightly – for not only not dancing but also for not moving, not smiling and not ‘connecting; to his partner. Kay ‘The Bulldog’ Burley seemed only too keen to connect with her partner, the lovely Fred, who looked as though he’d rather remove his own teeth with a toy plastic hammer than let young Kay perv over him for much longer. Fairly, Kay and Stephen polled the lowest scores where as thinning-haired, thickly-chested ex-rugby star Kyran Bracken stormed the top of the leader board with his amazing ability to slide on one knee and bend simultaneously as he danced!
Primeval followed. Clearly aiming for the roaming ever-so-slightly despondent Dr Who/Robin Hood crew, it began with the standard humour and intrigue fair. A scientist (Douglas Henshall), his loyal student (James Murray) and an irritant know-it-all interloper (Andrew Lee-Potts) head into the Forest of Dean to investigate a large hole in a fence and an apparent errant dinosaur. Meanwhile, a lizard loving zoo girl (Hannah Spearitt) decides to venture into the same forest where a young boy found a computer-generated lizard.
I thought I’d give this a go for two reasons. 1) I know Andrew Lee-Potts in real life quite well and he’s a nice bloke and 2) I was hoping Hannah Spearitt could undo the awful image ex-S Clubbers now have in my mind since grubby Jo O’Meara showed her miserable gob on Celebrity Big Brother.
After a lovely looking Home Office worker (Lucy Brown), who bares an uncanny resemblance to Henshall’s dead/missing wife, turned up I knew I was watching a sub-standard X-Files/Torchwood business with scheming characters, annoying kids, time portals and banging music – yet it was surprisingly enjoyable and I haven’t seen a Douglas Henshall performance yet that I didn’t like.
Trouble is, no one in the Home Office is as young or as pretty and Lucy Brown and…I’ve been to the Forest of Dean and the only thing of any creepy note I encountered was an over enthusiastic old man obsessed with fingerless gloves and onanism.
Still, quite a good night in with ITV1.
Duncan James who, if the Dictionary was pictorial would have his face appearing next to the definition of ‘smarmy’, had strangely big hair, an orange skin tight top and a disinterested looking partner. Poor Stephen Gately was admonished – probably quite rightly – for not only not dancing but also for not moving, not smiling and not ‘connecting; to his partner. Kay ‘The Bulldog’ Burley seemed only too keen to connect with her partner, the lovely Fred, who looked as though he’d rather remove his own teeth with a toy plastic hammer than let young Kay perv over him for much longer. Fairly, Kay and Stephen polled the lowest scores where as thinning-haired, thickly-chested ex-rugby star Kyran Bracken stormed the top of the leader board with his amazing ability to slide on one knee and bend simultaneously as he danced!
Primeval followed. Clearly aiming for the roaming ever-so-slightly despondent Dr Who/Robin Hood crew, it began with the standard humour and intrigue fair. A scientist (Douglas Henshall), his loyal student (James Murray) and an irritant know-it-all interloper (Andrew Lee-Potts) head into the Forest of Dean to investigate a large hole in a fence and an apparent errant dinosaur. Meanwhile, a lizard loving zoo girl (Hannah Spearitt) decides to venture into the same forest where a young boy found a computer-generated lizard.
I thought I’d give this a go for two reasons. 1) I know Andrew Lee-Potts in real life quite well and he’s a nice bloke and 2) I was hoping Hannah Spearitt could undo the awful image ex-S Clubbers now have in my mind since grubby Jo O’Meara showed her miserable gob on Celebrity Big Brother.
After a lovely looking Home Office worker (Lucy Brown), who bares an uncanny resemblance to Henshall’s dead/missing wife, turned up I knew I was watching a sub-standard X-Files/Torchwood business with scheming characters, annoying kids, time portals and banging music – yet it was surprisingly enjoyable and I haven’t seen a Douglas Henshall performance yet that I didn’t like.
Trouble is, no one in the Home Office is as young or as pretty and Lucy Brown and…I’ve been to the Forest of Dean and the only thing of any creepy note I encountered was an over enthusiastic old man obsessed with fingerless gloves and onanism.
Still, quite a good night in with ITV1.
Sunday, 28 January 2007
CBB5: Day 26: 28th Jan 2007 - Final Day
They all wake but become locked in bedroom until they are told to gather in the kitchen for a dominos task. A 90-minute task involving a long snake of dominos that must reach the diary room door and ring a bell. (Fascinating!) They pass and get a Pamper Hamper. Ian tries to straighten Shilpa’s hair by yanking her head off and burning her ear. The housemates have a lunch and sit in silence until they are able to go to the bedroom and pack.
The Big Brother highlights narrator broadcasts live to the house, doing his famous Geordie commentary on what the housemates are doing, as they do it. He then engages them in a game of Simon Says (Marcus Says), which results in more high-pitched screams from Shilpa and Danielle. Dirk walks on his hands, as instructed. Ian puts Shilpa’s sari on.
The end is near. The final meal is eaten and the dishes are left gloriously unwashed. Ian gets hyperactive. (He is 'H'.) The cases go the diary room. Dirk worries that he’ll be harassed in bars for not buying drinks. Clearly losing his marbles, Dirk gives in to Ian’s demands and decides to hairspray his own hair. They sit and wait. I nervously gulp orange juice and curse the day I gave up drinking.
Jack and Dani are first and evicted together…. with a paltry 3% each. They are roundly booed and royally humiliated at their interview. Jack looks dumbstruck and truly horrified…his best bits montage has the song “Who Are You?” and I almost admire Endemol for that…but not quite. Danielle’s brain goes into overdrive; she’s shocked, angry, giggly and then “I’ve learned not to be a bitch!” she claims. I dislike Jo, but Jo got the worst interview of all the bullies, which is hardly fair…Danielle gets off lightly.
Ian is fourth, and still hyperactive. He is the highest placed Brit and rightly so. Though cowardly and simpering, he was balanced, fair and had a genuine heart, in my opinion and he got a lovely reaction from the crowd, which seems about right.
Dirk is third, and he is delighted with 16% of the vote. Dirk gives a great interview, admits his dry humour was lost on most and that he found things tough. He plays his audience perfectly. Davina clearly has a soft spot for him and he is so wonderfully witty and funny I’m going to miss him a lot. I’m smitten, I’m afraid.
Jermaine is second. Even as he heads out of the door, Jermaine is able to utter wisdom and pithily calm words to a nervous Shilpa who inexplicably gets booed. I realise why she was booed when I spot a “F*ck of India!” banner in the crowd! Lovely. Britain is so nice, isn’t it? Jermaine is calm and classy throughout. His interview is great, everyone loves him – hell, I love him and I’m a bitter and twisted young soul.
With a massive 63% of the vote, Shilpa Shetty wins. This is good because she is a rarity; she is a female TV show contestant who is frank, calm, collected, smart, witty, cute, dignified and kind. She is a total rarity – a woman who barely swears, doesn’t need to fart and burp and get drunk in order to gain a personality, nor bear her arse, breasts and ex-lovers for the world to see. The only downside to Shilpa is her quite annoying laugh and we’ve all got them. Heck, I’ve got several. Shilpa also came back with the best put down of any series so far to the odious, fame and status obsessed Jade – “Your claim to fame is this!” I might get it as a ringtone.
I’m glad it’s all over. Dirk, Jermaine and Shilpa were the last three and none was British. This show has proven that the nasty underbelly of Britain – the zeleb crazed, fame hungry, vapid brained, personality-less muppets that manage to inveigle their fake boobs, fake ‘hard lives’ and fake ‘I’m mad me’ attitudes on to any type of TV - are simply vile. Whatever these sour and horrible young men but mainly young women (and old women) represent, they do not represent me. If an apathetic misery like me can stand up to a bully at the age of thirteen – resulting in three of my fingers being broken and my coat set alight (with me in it) – then surely one of those mirthless tripe hounds – Danielle, Jo and Jade - could have discovered a bit of conscience, humility or compassion and realise what they were doing? And how thick to do it on national TV?
Cleo Roccos and Carole Malone appear on the rather dreadful Big Brother’s Big Mouth with the tedious Russell Bland…I mean Brand, not to celebrate Shilpa but to humiliate Dirk once more for saying that the middle-age cleavaged and fat arsed Cleo had, in fact, a middle age cleavage and a fat arse. Not content, they had to stoop so low as to drag Dirk’s personal life and his son into their drunken old lady ramblings. (Like your mum and your auntie after a lock-in.) In yet another fit of pique, I emailed Carole Malone…(last time I had a fit of pique and emailed OfCom, The Press, Carphone Warehouse, John Noel Management and Channel 4, all hell broke loose).
For your delight, or shame…my email to Carole Malone:
Carole
I emailed you earlier in the series to highlight the awful bullying of Shilpa and you seemed to take a lot on board, though subsequently changed your tune – mentioning it in your column.
I’m afraid I told you I enjoyed your column and wished you had stayed in the house. After watching what can only be described as a disgracefully low personal attack tonight on Dirk Benedict on Big Brother’s Big Mouth, I think I must revise my opinion of you.
You support bullies, play down racism, think Cleo’s sexual harassment of Dirk is funny (would you have laughed if Dirk had done the same to an unwilling and clearly upset Cleo?) and then you and that dreadful creature Cleo have the audacity to drag Dirk's innocent 18-year-old son into it, saying he takes after his mother – who you know didn’t raise him, all to attack Dirk?
You have proven that you are a terrible judge of character, which is a crying shame for a ‘journalist’ such as yourself. I thought you were vindictive with Anne Diamond on Fit Club but gave you the benefit of the doubt. I wish I hadn’t bothered.
My biggest comfort is that not only did no Brit win Big Brother; none came in the final three. That has proven that the representatives of the UK that go on these shows – such as yourself - are not remotely worthy. Ian was the only decent British finalist - and low and behold in your column, you hate him!
Cleo, thank goodness, has no chance of a career considering she is not only unfunny, rude, offensive and disturbed but downright boring.
Regards
Think the email was too stern? Glad the show is gone? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
The Big Brother highlights narrator broadcasts live to the house, doing his famous Geordie commentary on what the housemates are doing, as they do it. He then engages them in a game of Simon Says (Marcus Says), which results in more high-pitched screams from Shilpa and Danielle. Dirk walks on his hands, as instructed. Ian puts Shilpa’s sari on.
The end is near. The final meal is eaten and the dishes are left gloriously unwashed. Ian gets hyperactive. (He is 'H'.) The cases go the diary room. Dirk worries that he’ll be harassed in bars for not buying drinks. Clearly losing his marbles, Dirk gives in to Ian’s demands and decides to hairspray his own hair. They sit and wait. I nervously gulp orange juice and curse the day I gave up drinking.
Jack and Dani are first and evicted together…. with a paltry 3% each. They are roundly booed and royally humiliated at their interview. Jack looks dumbstruck and truly horrified…his best bits montage has the song “Who Are You?” and I almost admire Endemol for that…but not quite. Danielle’s brain goes into overdrive; she’s shocked, angry, giggly and then “I’ve learned not to be a bitch!” she claims. I dislike Jo, but Jo got the worst interview of all the bullies, which is hardly fair…Danielle gets off lightly.
Ian is fourth, and still hyperactive. He is the highest placed Brit and rightly so. Though cowardly and simpering, he was balanced, fair and had a genuine heart, in my opinion and he got a lovely reaction from the crowd, which seems about right.
Dirk is third, and he is delighted with 16% of the vote. Dirk gives a great interview, admits his dry humour was lost on most and that he found things tough. He plays his audience perfectly. Davina clearly has a soft spot for him and he is so wonderfully witty and funny I’m going to miss him a lot. I’m smitten, I’m afraid.
Jermaine is second. Even as he heads out of the door, Jermaine is able to utter wisdom and pithily calm words to a nervous Shilpa who inexplicably gets booed. I realise why she was booed when I spot a “F*ck of India!” banner in the crowd! Lovely. Britain is so nice, isn’t it? Jermaine is calm and classy throughout. His interview is great, everyone loves him – hell, I love him and I’m a bitter and twisted young soul.
With a massive 63% of the vote, Shilpa Shetty wins. This is good because she is a rarity; she is a female TV show contestant who is frank, calm, collected, smart, witty, cute, dignified and kind. She is a total rarity – a woman who barely swears, doesn’t need to fart and burp and get drunk in order to gain a personality, nor bear her arse, breasts and ex-lovers for the world to see. The only downside to Shilpa is her quite annoying laugh and we’ve all got them. Heck, I’ve got several. Shilpa also came back with the best put down of any series so far to the odious, fame and status obsessed Jade – “Your claim to fame is this!” I might get it as a ringtone.
I’m glad it’s all over. Dirk, Jermaine and Shilpa were the last three and none was British. This show has proven that the nasty underbelly of Britain – the zeleb crazed, fame hungry, vapid brained, personality-less muppets that manage to inveigle their fake boobs, fake ‘hard lives’ and fake ‘I’m mad me’ attitudes on to any type of TV - are simply vile. Whatever these sour and horrible young men but mainly young women (and old women) represent, they do not represent me. If an apathetic misery like me can stand up to a bully at the age of thirteen – resulting in three of my fingers being broken and my coat set alight (with me in it) – then surely one of those mirthless tripe hounds – Danielle, Jo and Jade - could have discovered a bit of conscience, humility or compassion and realise what they were doing? And how thick to do it on national TV?
Cleo Roccos and Carole Malone appear on the rather dreadful Big Brother’s Big Mouth with the tedious Russell Bland…I mean Brand, not to celebrate Shilpa but to humiliate Dirk once more for saying that the middle-age cleavaged and fat arsed Cleo had, in fact, a middle age cleavage and a fat arse. Not content, they had to stoop so low as to drag Dirk’s personal life and his son into their drunken old lady ramblings. (Like your mum and your auntie after a lock-in.) In yet another fit of pique, I emailed Carole Malone…(last time I had a fit of pique and emailed OfCom, The Press, Carphone Warehouse, John Noel Management and Channel 4, all hell broke loose).
For your delight, or shame…my email to Carole Malone:
Carole
I emailed you earlier in the series to highlight the awful bullying of Shilpa and you seemed to take a lot on board, though subsequently changed your tune – mentioning it in your column.
I’m afraid I told you I enjoyed your column and wished you had stayed in the house. After watching what can only be described as a disgracefully low personal attack tonight on Dirk Benedict on Big Brother’s Big Mouth, I think I must revise my opinion of you.
You support bullies, play down racism, think Cleo’s sexual harassment of Dirk is funny (would you have laughed if Dirk had done the same to an unwilling and clearly upset Cleo?) and then you and that dreadful creature Cleo have the audacity to drag Dirk's innocent 18-year-old son into it, saying he takes after his mother – who you know didn’t raise him, all to attack Dirk?
You have proven that you are a terrible judge of character, which is a crying shame for a ‘journalist’ such as yourself. I thought you were vindictive with Anne Diamond on Fit Club but gave you the benefit of the doubt. I wish I hadn’t bothered.
My biggest comfort is that not only did no Brit win Big Brother; none came in the final three. That has proven that the representatives of the UK that go on these shows – such as yourself - are not remotely worthy. Ian was the only decent British finalist - and low and behold in your column, you hate him!
Cleo, thank goodness, has no chance of a career considering she is not only unfunny, rude, offensive and disturbed but downright boring.
Regards
Think the email was too stern? Glad the show is gone? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Saturday, 27 January 2007
CBB5: Day 25: 27th Jan 2007
Danielle wakes and puts on her Sheringham West Ham shirt – if I were cruel I would laugh. She wants to spend the day lying around eating fish fingers. Ian waffles on about acting, trying to convince Dirk to stay in the UK and do a play with him. Ian goes into the bedroom and is attacked by Dani and Jack with a can of shaving foam. Covered in gunk Dani demands to have a shower but Dirk insists he’s next in line. Not happy, Danielle looks around frantically before realising she has no one left to bitch with. Instead she settles for waxing Ian’s toes.
Running out of tasks Big Brother decides to finally use the question box in the living room. The questions that come in are appalling except for the one Jack gets, “Are you silent because you are used to Jade doing all the talking?” Jermaine’s question results in him announcing, “I need a lobotomy” Dirk is asked if he kept any of his Battlestar Gallactica uniform. Dani is asked if she could bring back any of the housemates departed who would it be. “All of them. Even Ken,” she says. She’s clearly missing his “meat and two veg”.
Bored, everyone goes the garden and rolls around in duvets. Dirk watches and tells Jermaine he thinks Jack has a crush on Danielle. Ian thinks Jo will be on the chat show circuit, deluged with offers to sing and act…oh Ian, if only you knew. He then reassures a nervous Danielle that the public will love her for being honest and says there is nothing at all negative about her. A game of blind man’s bluff ends with Ian stubbing his toe and Shilpa fussing around him like a mother hen.
A task seems imminent when the group is locked in he bedroom and they can hear drilling and banging. The task involves the housemates having to make four films…one for each week, a romance, an action, a film noir and a Bollywood musical
The first week movie sees Dirk as Ken, appalled at Jackiey’s farting. Donny’s exist is played out with Jack dressed as Donny – the irony lost as Jack seems to have forgotten Donny left because of Jack and his ‘moron’ girlfriend. The romance is Dirk and Shilpa flirting. Danielle plays Shilpa in true melodramatic style, annoying laugh and “oh Dirk,” sighs included. Jermaine plays Dirk.
The infamous Oxo cube scene sees Ian as Shilpa and Jack as Jade. The row is suddenly funny and not at all the vile, bile infused, headache-inducing nightmare it appeared in reality. Shilpa dresses as Danielle complete with comedy boobs and stupid giggle. Dirk takes on the role of Leo Sayer; breaking out of the house. The week 4 film depicts the relentless wait for eviction in Bollywood style. Jermaine plays Jo, fag in hand and glum face. As Danielle, Shilpa pulls off a hilarious impersonation, screaming 'Teddy!' and ‘fook! I’ve won!’ before she is pulled off stage by a giant hook, held by Jermaine
They all pass and dress to impress for their three-course meal reward. Dirk sings Danielle’s praises thinking she’d make a great actress – you aint kidding, her performance these last two as a nice sweet, easily led girl is very nearly convincing. Jack and Ian hide fruit under Danielle’s duvet. Jack throws something. “You threw a potato at a Jackson!!” Ian squeals. Dirk and Shilpa sit in the kitchen and reflect. “I’ve enjoyed it” Shilpa says. “I haven’t” Dirk replies. Finally everyone goes to bed and, for the first time since the series started, there seems to be a sense of calm and ease. Clearly, the poisonous influences have gone and they can all see the finish line. Thankfully, so can I. Not sure how much more of it I could take, to be honest.
Think Jack should win? Believe Danielle’s Road to Damascus moment? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Running out of tasks Big Brother decides to finally use the question box in the living room. The questions that come in are appalling except for the one Jack gets, “Are you silent because you are used to Jade doing all the talking?” Jermaine’s question results in him announcing, “I need a lobotomy” Dirk is asked if he kept any of his Battlestar Gallactica uniform. Dani is asked if she could bring back any of the housemates departed who would it be. “All of them. Even Ken,” she says. She’s clearly missing his “meat and two veg”.
Bored, everyone goes the garden and rolls around in duvets. Dirk watches and tells Jermaine he thinks Jack has a crush on Danielle. Ian thinks Jo will be on the chat show circuit, deluged with offers to sing and act…oh Ian, if only you knew. He then reassures a nervous Danielle that the public will love her for being honest and says there is nothing at all negative about her. A game of blind man’s bluff ends with Ian stubbing his toe and Shilpa fussing around him like a mother hen.
A task seems imminent when the group is locked in he bedroom and they can hear drilling and banging. The task involves the housemates having to make four films…one for each week, a romance, an action, a film noir and a Bollywood musical
The first week movie sees Dirk as Ken, appalled at Jackiey’s farting. Donny’s exist is played out with Jack dressed as Donny – the irony lost as Jack seems to have forgotten Donny left because of Jack and his ‘moron’ girlfriend. The romance is Dirk and Shilpa flirting. Danielle plays Shilpa in true melodramatic style, annoying laugh and “oh Dirk,” sighs included. Jermaine plays Dirk.
The infamous Oxo cube scene sees Ian as Shilpa and Jack as Jade. The row is suddenly funny and not at all the vile, bile infused, headache-inducing nightmare it appeared in reality. Shilpa dresses as Danielle complete with comedy boobs and stupid giggle. Dirk takes on the role of Leo Sayer; breaking out of the house. The week 4 film depicts the relentless wait for eviction in Bollywood style. Jermaine plays Jo, fag in hand and glum face. As Danielle, Shilpa pulls off a hilarious impersonation, screaming 'Teddy!' and ‘fook! I’ve won!’ before she is pulled off stage by a giant hook, held by Jermaine
They all pass and dress to impress for their three-course meal reward. Dirk sings Danielle’s praises thinking she’d make a great actress – you aint kidding, her performance these last two as a nice sweet, easily led girl is very nearly convincing. Jack and Ian hide fruit under Danielle’s duvet. Jack throws something. “You threw a potato at a Jackson!!” Ian squeals. Dirk and Shilpa sit in the kitchen and reflect. “I’ve enjoyed it” Shilpa says. “I haven’t” Dirk replies. Finally everyone goes to bed and, for the first time since the series started, there seems to be a sense of calm and ease. Clearly, the poisonous influences have gone and they can all see the finish line. Thankfully, so can I. Not sure how much more of it I could take, to be honest.
Think Jack should win? Believe Danielle’s Road to Damascus moment? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Friday, 26 January 2007
CBB5: Day 24: 26th Jan 2007
Jermaine wakes early and begins to clean all the dishes and surfaces. I love a clean man, myself. Ian joins him. “I’ve never done anything like this before.” He says. “And I never will again.” I don’t blame you Ian. Jermaine gets carried away. “I’m going to have another cup of tea.” Go for it Jermaine! The tolling bell of doom alarm wakes the sleeping contestants. Danielle screams, cranking up the Nikki impression, Dirk, now in recovery from Cleo-ism speaks about the dream he had where the British public pelted him with stones.
Dirk goes to the bedroom to exercise topless. Jack follows suit, treating everyone to an unwanted view of his scrawny chest and pasty skin. Danielle goes to the garden with Jo who clamps her duvet to her. She has to be in bed wherever she goes that girl. “I can’t wait to see Teddy,” Danielle squeals. Quick, someone catapult a copy of today’s The Sun over the fence and let young Dani see that Teddy has chucked her garb in the street.
Cleo comes and joins the girls. “It depends on tonight’s highlights as to who will go,” she says. Well, there we have it! Now we know why she apologised to Dirk and tried to make her peace. To wind them up Dirk calls Cleo and Shilpa fat and ugly. “We've discovered you're a livewire,” Cleo answers. “I may be a deadwire when I get outta here!” Replies Dirk. Never Dirk…
Back in the kitchen, Jack nearly dies of delight when he discovers what a cappuccino is. Jo claims her bad moods are down to PMT. I’ve never know anyone’s PMT to last nine years but still…Everyone dresses prettily, even Jo. Ian shows more cleavage than is necessary…but Ian needn’t worry. He won’t be evicted. They gather and await the eviction results.
Justice prevails and Jo is announced as the next housemate the leave. Hoards of angry morons chant ‘Get Jo Out’, which she hears…promoting mass panic, faux reassurance and Danielle crapping her pants. Cleo is announced as next to leave. Whatever I’ve said about Cleo I admire her bravery. She fronts out the crowd, boobs forward, head back, big grin and inane wave – dragging Jo behind like a terrified toddler. “They’re booing” Jo whines. “Who cares?” Says Cleo.
Jo has her interview with a tough talking Davina but remains entirely impassive, cold and unmoved by the furore. “I aint a racist coz me cousin married an Indian” – say what? Heaven help us. She’s shown the newspapers, shown the bullying, shown everything but her frozen hard skinned face doesn’t crack. “It wunt that bad.” She says. “I never said nuffin’ racist” she claims after Davina plays the racist clip. Jo is ushered away and I have a nasty taste in my mouth but a sense of pride that the public voted the dreadful woman out.
Cleo is interviewed next. I’ve never seen a more incoherent, bizarre and frankly creepy interview in my life. Cleo thinks Danielle and Jack are the best! She wants to murder Dirk. She didn’t stop the bullying because she didn’t think she could and it needed “a man” She struggles to answer any questions and stares ahead like a rabbit recovering from a road traffic accident. I think I can hear John Noel’s head falling into his hands somewhere off set.
Danielle, distraught that her behaviour may have been seen in as bad a light as Jo’s, cries for an age. She is only cheered when Ian finds a pubic hair on his beer. I don’t want to know how that got there but I reckon Jack may have taken a piss in the bottle, thinking it was Soy Sauce. Danielle follows Dirk and Jermaine outside and chats…in her best babyish voice. Jack joins in a does an impression of a lamb – or maybe that was simply his true self? Dirk is at ease and discusses past loves and mountain lions. “There was a panther in Epping” Jack says. Pity you didn’t encounter it one dark night Jack…Dirk sighs in a way that indicates he’s been here before…. two annoying youngsters talking crap. You can tell he’s a father.
Bedtime comes. Ian pushes his bed net to Shilpa’s. “Dirk’s been wanting to do that for days.” Shilpa laughs. She and Ian discuss Danielle, claiming she is lovely, but stupid and easily led. Meanwhile Danielle bounces on Jack’s bed and playfully punches him before he lamely lobs a shoe at her. Ian finally bores Shilpa to sleep and promptly lays awake, sniffing endlessly for hours.
Want a Jo O’Meara dressing gown? Wish Cleo was your mum? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Dirk goes to the bedroom to exercise topless. Jack follows suit, treating everyone to an unwanted view of his scrawny chest and pasty skin. Danielle goes to the garden with Jo who clamps her duvet to her. She has to be in bed wherever she goes that girl. “I can’t wait to see Teddy,” Danielle squeals. Quick, someone catapult a copy of today’s The Sun over the fence and let young Dani see that Teddy has chucked her garb in the street.
Cleo comes and joins the girls. “It depends on tonight’s highlights as to who will go,” she says. Well, there we have it! Now we know why she apologised to Dirk and tried to make her peace. To wind them up Dirk calls Cleo and Shilpa fat and ugly. “We've discovered you're a livewire,” Cleo answers. “I may be a deadwire when I get outta here!” Replies Dirk. Never Dirk…
Back in the kitchen, Jack nearly dies of delight when he discovers what a cappuccino is. Jo claims her bad moods are down to PMT. I’ve never know anyone’s PMT to last nine years but still…Everyone dresses prettily, even Jo. Ian shows more cleavage than is necessary…but Ian needn’t worry. He won’t be evicted. They gather and await the eviction results.
Justice prevails and Jo is announced as the next housemate the leave. Hoards of angry morons chant ‘Get Jo Out’, which she hears…promoting mass panic, faux reassurance and Danielle crapping her pants. Cleo is announced as next to leave. Whatever I’ve said about Cleo I admire her bravery. She fronts out the crowd, boobs forward, head back, big grin and inane wave – dragging Jo behind like a terrified toddler. “They’re booing” Jo whines. “Who cares?” Says Cleo.
Jo has her interview with a tough talking Davina but remains entirely impassive, cold and unmoved by the furore. “I aint a racist coz me cousin married an Indian” – say what? Heaven help us. She’s shown the newspapers, shown the bullying, shown everything but her frozen hard skinned face doesn’t crack. “It wunt that bad.” She says. “I never said nuffin’ racist” she claims after Davina plays the racist clip. Jo is ushered away and I have a nasty taste in my mouth but a sense of pride that the public voted the dreadful woman out.
Cleo is interviewed next. I’ve never seen a more incoherent, bizarre and frankly creepy interview in my life. Cleo thinks Danielle and Jack are the best! She wants to murder Dirk. She didn’t stop the bullying because she didn’t think she could and it needed “a man” She struggles to answer any questions and stares ahead like a rabbit recovering from a road traffic accident. I think I can hear John Noel’s head falling into his hands somewhere off set.
Danielle, distraught that her behaviour may have been seen in as bad a light as Jo’s, cries for an age. She is only cheered when Ian finds a pubic hair on his beer. I don’t want to know how that got there but I reckon Jack may have taken a piss in the bottle, thinking it was Soy Sauce. Danielle follows Dirk and Jermaine outside and chats…in her best babyish voice. Jack joins in a does an impression of a lamb – or maybe that was simply his true self? Dirk is at ease and discusses past loves and mountain lions. “There was a panther in Epping” Jack says. Pity you didn’t encounter it one dark night Jack…Dirk sighs in a way that indicates he’s been here before…. two annoying youngsters talking crap. You can tell he’s a father.
Bedtime comes. Ian pushes his bed net to Shilpa’s. “Dirk’s been wanting to do that for days.” Shilpa laughs. She and Ian discuss Danielle, claiming she is lovely, but stupid and easily led. Meanwhile Danielle bounces on Jack’s bed and playfully punches him before he lamely lobs a shoe at her. Ian finally bores Shilpa to sleep and promptly lays awake, sniffing endlessly for hours.
Want a Jo O’Meara dressing gown? Wish Cleo was your mum? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
CBB5: Day 23: 25th Jan 2007
Cleo exercises in the bedroom. Dirk looks on, aghast, from his bed. The A-Team theme is played into the room and Dirk shoots out of bed, with a quick salute. Jermaine makes tea in a very serene way. All housemates crawl out of bed to see what awaits them in the larder. Cleo takes the opportunity to bitch to Ian about these now infamous “lies” Dirk is meant to have told, though what these are is anyone’s guess. Cleo’s obsession with Dirk is as unbalanced and as unwholesome as Jade’s was with Shilpa. Danielle runs to the toilet with loo roll in hand, screaming “My backside is gonna burst!!!” Lovely!
Danielle later decides to cooks something she deludedly refers to as “shepherd’s pie” although it looks more like the remnants of Dani’s earlier backside explosion. When lunch is over, the boys and Shilpa go outside. Jack offers Shilpa his jacket. What? That boy scares me sometimes. His jacket? Meanwhile Jo and Cleo embark on some more Dirk slating. “He repulses me” Jo declares. Please Jo do you not see the irony in any of your statements you dog breath stinking crusty fingered hound? Danielle and Jack remain outdoors struggling to fathom out what clouds are made of. Hmmm is it Bimbo and Himbo brain matter?
Just as the tedium is about to kill me, the housemates are called to the bedroom “until further notice”. Pearl of wisdom number 3 from Jack: Wee on your hands to make them soft. No wonder he likes Jade. She seems the sort to stink of pi$$. Finally, everyone is called to the dining table and Dirk reads out the latest task:
“In 2007 a crack Unit is sent to Big Brother House. Rewards must be retrieved by using the tools provided with ingenuity”. Ingenuity? They’ve come to the wrong house. A strange lump of trashy crap sits in the living room (not Danielle) and it seems the inmates have to fish the junk out after creating fishing rods.
Shilpa wins a bear, Dani some doughnuts; Dirk goes for whiskey and a salmon that has been scraped on the floor…. Cleo some bath stuff. Jo won’t take part, claiming she “dunt want nufin’ or nufin’” which I’m sure she will stick to religiously when demanding Dirk’s booze! No, within twenty minutes she’s begging Dirk for some of the whiskey. Jermaine is determined to win a battered old bag (not Cleo, but a suitcase). First £10 shoes and now an old suitcase? That man sure is frugal. Ian gallantly wins some tacky looking jewellery for the girls.
Dirk laughs “Is that a dog collar? I wonder if Jo would want that.” Referring of course to her dogs and not her good self. Ian attempts humour “don’t you just love it when a plan comes together” he says somewhat predictably. There is an audible groan.
Dirk cooks the skanky fish despite Jo’s moans and Jermaine’s look of horror. Everyone then returns to the bedroom with their “goodies” Shilpa waxes Jack’s legs…and he screams like a ‘gewl’ – Dirk decides to join in to which Cleo declares, “I love you Dirk! I’ve hated you these last 3 days but I love you now.” Run Dirk. Run like the wind! Flee! “I prefer the hate” Dirk grimaces. Instead they hug, in a rather lacklustre fashion.
Realising that being an unreasonable, stroppy behemoth can make you successful, as it did Nikki Grahame; Danielle decides to throw a massive hissy fit because she didn’t win any nail glue. Jo, just for a change, decides to laugh and torment Dani. Suddenly Cleo’s spine starts to show! What? Cleo who couldn’t give a toss that Jade nearly thumped Shilpa for weeks on end? Cleo’s simpering gets worse. “You must make up with her, Jo” she says. “She’s very sensitive”
Without warning Cleo launches into another sad-old-lady paean to the late Kenny Everett, her “soul mate” which has everyone in tears – even me…well nearly. Dirk cooks his salmon to perfection, it’s like a work of art and everyone – even the idiots appreciate it. Danielle’s ‘shepherd’s pie’ is discussed with brevity. Cleo and Dirk bond over their mutual dislike of it.
An obvious divide forms again. Jermaine and Dirk discuss world affairs and pressing international politics. Cleo and Jo discuss Danielle’s vomiting. The grown ups go to bed again, and Shilpa settles down to meditate. “Knock off the meditation I want to talk to you..... Every time I want to have a serious conversation you meditate” Dirk teases. “You’ve had 23 days to wake me up in the morning with a gentle shake and say ' wake up Dirk I'm hungry, I want you to make me some soup ....... but nothing'” He laughs.
“Where did the old Dirk go to today, you've changed and it's nice?” Replies Shilpa before nodding off. “Ah a little of my real personality maybe sneaking out” Comes the reply. Jermaine smiles to himself…the tepid flirting is the only the keeping him going. Hell, it’s the only thing keeping me going.
Glad it’s nearly gone? Worried for Cleo’s mental health? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Danielle later decides to cooks something she deludedly refers to as “shepherd’s pie” although it looks more like the remnants of Dani’s earlier backside explosion. When lunch is over, the boys and Shilpa go outside. Jack offers Shilpa his jacket. What? That boy scares me sometimes. His jacket? Meanwhile Jo and Cleo embark on some more Dirk slating. “He repulses me” Jo declares. Please Jo do you not see the irony in any of your statements you dog breath stinking crusty fingered hound? Danielle and Jack remain outdoors struggling to fathom out what clouds are made of. Hmmm is it Bimbo and Himbo brain matter?
Just as the tedium is about to kill me, the housemates are called to the bedroom “until further notice”. Pearl of wisdom number 3 from Jack: Wee on your hands to make them soft. No wonder he likes Jade. She seems the sort to stink of pi$$. Finally, everyone is called to the dining table and Dirk reads out the latest task:
“In 2007 a crack Unit is sent to Big Brother House. Rewards must be retrieved by using the tools provided with ingenuity”. Ingenuity? They’ve come to the wrong house. A strange lump of trashy crap sits in the living room (not Danielle) and it seems the inmates have to fish the junk out after creating fishing rods.
Shilpa wins a bear, Dani some doughnuts; Dirk goes for whiskey and a salmon that has been scraped on the floor…. Cleo some bath stuff. Jo won’t take part, claiming she “dunt want nufin’ or nufin’” which I’m sure she will stick to religiously when demanding Dirk’s booze! No, within twenty minutes she’s begging Dirk for some of the whiskey. Jermaine is determined to win a battered old bag (not Cleo, but a suitcase). First £10 shoes and now an old suitcase? That man sure is frugal. Ian gallantly wins some tacky looking jewellery for the girls.
Dirk laughs “Is that a dog collar? I wonder if Jo would want that.” Referring of course to her dogs and not her good self. Ian attempts humour “don’t you just love it when a plan comes together” he says somewhat predictably. There is an audible groan.
Dirk cooks the skanky fish despite Jo’s moans and Jermaine’s look of horror. Everyone then returns to the bedroom with their “goodies” Shilpa waxes Jack’s legs…and he screams like a ‘gewl’ – Dirk decides to join in to which Cleo declares, “I love you Dirk! I’ve hated you these last 3 days but I love you now.” Run Dirk. Run like the wind! Flee! “I prefer the hate” Dirk grimaces. Instead they hug, in a rather lacklustre fashion.
Realising that being an unreasonable, stroppy behemoth can make you successful, as it did Nikki Grahame; Danielle decides to throw a massive hissy fit because she didn’t win any nail glue. Jo, just for a change, decides to laugh and torment Dani. Suddenly Cleo’s spine starts to show! What? Cleo who couldn’t give a toss that Jade nearly thumped Shilpa for weeks on end? Cleo’s simpering gets worse. “You must make up with her, Jo” she says. “She’s very sensitive”
Without warning Cleo launches into another sad-old-lady paean to the late Kenny Everett, her “soul mate” which has everyone in tears – even me…well nearly. Dirk cooks his salmon to perfection, it’s like a work of art and everyone – even the idiots appreciate it. Danielle’s ‘shepherd’s pie’ is discussed with brevity. Cleo and Dirk bond over their mutual dislike of it.
An obvious divide forms again. Jermaine and Dirk discuss world affairs and pressing international politics. Cleo and Jo discuss Danielle’s vomiting. The grown ups go to bed again, and Shilpa settles down to meditate. “Knock off the meditation I want to talk to you..... Every time I want to have a serious conversation you meditate” Dirk teases. “You’ve had 23 days to wake me up in the morning with a gentle shake and say ' wake up Dirk I'm hungry, I want you to make me some soup ....... but nothing'” He laughs.
“Where did the old Dirk go to today, you've changed and it's nice?” Replies Shilpa before nodding off. “Ah a little of my real personality maybe sneaking out” Comes the reply. Jermaine smiles to himself…the tepid flirting is the only the keeping him going. Hell, it’s the only thing keeping me going.
Glad it’s nearly gone? Worried for Cleo’s mental health? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Wednesday, 24 January 2007
CBB5: Day 22: 24th Jan 2007
I hope for rocket launching air craft: everyone else hopes for snow over Elstree. Ian and Jermaine are excited then immediately disappointed. The snow lands everywhere but the Big Brother garden. Shilpa, who has never seen snowfall, dives out of bed and bounces into the living room, shrieking. Ian wanders around with no top on, despite the sub zero temperatures, giving Cleo an unwelcome eyeful of his painfully erect nipples. Shilpa gets a ball of snow and runs into the bedroom showing it to her dozing colleagues as though it is a shiny diamond.
Jo is - shock horror surprise - grumpy from the moment she wakes. She complains that Shilpa is excited. She complains that it’s not snow it is in fact “ice” (what the hell do you think snow is, Jo love? Frozen water = ice – its not difficult, is it?). “I was in the middle of a great dream…” she whines. Let me guess…did it involve fags, laying on your back and a stinking dressing gown? I had a dream too once Jo, it involved you being evicted to massive boos, total vilification and a throng of angry egg pelters.
Cleo joins Prostrate Jo to bitch about Dirk’s alleged lies. How a ‘comedian’ like Cleo cannot tell a lie from a sarcastic statement is beyond me. Shilpa wears an ill-advised low cut top. Jack’s eyes fall out of his head. He quickly retrieves them before they drop out again when a scantily clad Danielle hoes into view. Cleo re-dyes her hair and tongs it into electric shock style. She looks like Ziggy Stardust - as he is now. Dead. “Are you going to shower...again?” Jo moans at Dirk. “I think there might be a surprise eviction with my name on it. They can say: he came in clean and he went out clean... though he was filthy in between” Dirk replies – to nobody’s amusement.
Dirk goes for a lie down and Dani cracks open the wine, at 2.30pm. I can’t say I blame either of them. Cleo wants to get evil again – now she knows how good she is at it she won’t let it go. She and Jack the Plank plan to but sugar in Dirk’s soy sauce, knowing he can’t eat sugar. Honestly…can it get pettier? I’m actually longing for the days of Sezer and Shabaz now – that’s how bad it is getting. Worn out by her machinations, Jo goes for a sleep – in the same room as Dirk! How does she cope!
Another task is set. Ice cubes are stacked in the garden. Inside each ice cube is a token and each housemate has to lick the ice cubes until they reach the token. Cue Jo whining, Shilpa squealing and Dani complaining. Dirk prefers it the assault course. Everyone gets a pseudo-ski suit to wear, which is lucky as the ice cubes are the size of breezeblocks. They all begin to suck on the cubes and I’m suddenly overtaken by a desperate need to vomit. Shilpa finishes in record time. I don’t know what that says about her sucking abilities, but it sure isn’t a good thing. Jermaine quickly follows. Dani and Jo aren’t happy (Really? Never!) because they can’t get their tokens out without touching the ice.
Shilpa tries to encourage Dirk but it told off by Big Brother. Jack unwittingly releases a barrage of filthy double entendres to Dani as she struggles on – Jack watches her sucking abilities with his eyes on stalks once more - there's hope in them eyes, I tells ya! Everyone retrieves their tokens and Big Brother announces yet another party to follow. Gawd help us, I’m not sure I can bear either the tedium or the spine shivers I get from Cleo’s cold dead eyes as she plots more nastiness against Dirk.
Jo, seemingly psychic in between complaining, claims that the public “hate” her and she’ll be evicted next. All housemates wait for the nomination results and Jo is proven right. She, Cleo, Dirk, Shilpa and Ian all face a double eviction on Friday. Ian and Shilpa look gutted. Ian’s done nothing to be ashamed of and Shilpa thinks she’s suffered enough already. Jo and Dirk couldn’t give a toss. Cleo’s expression is as fixed as usual…must be the botox.
The party is a ski style do with ice sculptures and manky food. Shilpa and Ian bond. I know Ian is gay and everything but he too seems to have fallen under the Shetty Spell. She’s like a siren that woman…even Jack Sprat can’t take his eyes off her and he “hates” her remember? Dirk has a moment of irrationality and announces he thinks that Jack can win! Coming to his senses, Dirk goes to bed early, Cleo’s steely gaze following him every step of the way
Not long after, everyone bar Ian heads to bed too. Ian sits in the lounges looking at his Steps photos, hugging his knees and weeping. I know how you feel Ian. I found a picture of me on the beach at Bridlington the other day that made me heave! My thighs! My thighs!
Is it boring or is it me? Travesty that the ‘racists’ get to the final? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Jo is - shock horror surprise - grumpy from the moment she wakes. She complains that Shilpa is excited. She complains that it’s not snow it is in fact “ice” (what the hell do you think snow is, Jo love? Frozen water = ice – its not difficult, is it?). “I was in the middle of a great dream…” she whines. Let me guess…did it involve fags, laying on your back and a stinking dressing gown? I had a dream too once Jo, it involved you being evicted to massive boos, total vilification and a throng of angry egg pelters.
Cleo joins Prostrate Jo to bitch about Dirk’s alleged lies. How a ‘comedian’ like Cleo cannot tell a lie from a sarcastic statement is beyond me. Shilpa wears an ill-advised low cut top. Jack’s eyes fall out of his head. He quickly retrieves them before they drop out again when a scantily clad Danielle hoes into view. Cleo re-dyes her hair and tongs it into electric shock style. She looks like Ziggy Stardust - as he is now. Dead. “Are you going to shower...again?” Jo moans at Dirk. “I think there might be a surprise eviction with my name on it. They can say: he came in clean and he went out clean... though he was filthy in between” Dirk replies – to nobody’s amusement.
Dirk goes for a lie down and Dani cracks open the wine, at 2.30pm. I can’t say I blame either of them. Cleo wants to get evil again – now she knows how good she is at it she won’t let it go. She and Jack the Plank plan to but sugar in Dirk’s soy sauce, knowing he can’t eat sugar. Honestly…can it get pettier? I’m actually longing for the days of Sezer and Shabaz now – that’s how bad it is getting. Worn out by her machinations, Jo goes for a sleep – in the same room as Dirk! How does she cope!
Another task is set. Ice cubes are stacked in the garden. Inside each ice cube is a token and each housemate has to lick the ice cubes until they reach the token. Cue Jo whining, Shilpa squealing and Dani complaining. Dirk prefers it the assault course. Everyone gets a pseudo-ski suit to wear, which is lucky as the ice cubes are the size of breezeblocks. They all begin to suck on the cubes and I’m suddenly overtaken by a desperate need to vomit. Shilpa finishes in record time. I don’t know what that says about her sucking abilities, but it sure isn’t a good thing. Jermaine quickly follows. Dani and Jo aren’t happy (Really? Never!) because they can’t get their tokens out without touching the ice.
Shilpa tries to encourage Dirk but it told off by Big Brother. Jack unwittingly releases a barrage of filthy double entendres to Dani as she struggles on – Jack watches her sucking abilities with his eyes on stalks once more - there's hope in them eyes, I tells ya! Everyone retrieves their tokens and Big Brother announces yet another party to follow. Gawd help us, I’m not sure I can bear either the tedium or the spine shivers I get from Cleo’s cold dead eyes as she plots more nastiness against Dirk.
Jo, seemingly psychic in between complaining, claims that the public “hate” her and she’ll be evicted next. All housemates wait for the nomination results and Jo is proven right. She, Cleo, Dirk, Shilpa and Ian all face a double eviction on Friday. Ian and Shilpa look gutted. Ian’s done nothing to be ashamed of and Shilpa thinks she’s suffered enough already. Jo and Dirk couldn’t give a toss. Cleo’s expression is as fixed as usual…must be the botox.
The party is a ski style do with ice sculptures and manky food. Shilpa and Ian bond. I know Ian is gay and everything but he too seems to have fallen under the Shetty Spell. She’s like a siren that woman…even Jack Sprat can’t take his eyes off her and he “hates” her remember? Dirk has a moment of irrationality and announces he thinks that Jack can win! Coming to his senses, Dirk goes to bed early, Cleo’s steely gaze following him every step of the way
Not long after, everyone bar Ian heads to bed too. Ian sits in the lounges looking at his Steps photos, hugging his knees and weeping. I know how you feel Ian. I found a picture of me on the beach at Bridlington the other day that made me heave! My thighs! My thighs!
Is it boring or is it me? Travesty that the ‘racists’ get to the final? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
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