Seány has spent the night putting Gerry and Chanelle’s toys into condoms. Chanelle sees the funny side but Gerry is angry and throws Seány’s hats in the pool. It’s only a bear Gerry man. Carole awakes the next day to take her rightful place as head of the kitchen – “it’s washing day” she announces once again taking it upon herself to look after everyone. Stop playing the martyr Carole and maybe you won’t keep getting nominated. Ziggy is depressed, he wanders around with a long face, avoiding Tracey’s questions and telling Billi he’ll be “watching him” if he goes. Billi grins…he hasn’t had to do much to wind up old Zig.
“Nicky’s in love” Carole snipes. I think Nicky is really just in lust. Liam doesn’t return her affections however; his eyes cannot help but appraise Chanelle whenever she is near. Jonathan and Gerry investigate the eye logo, coming desperately close to the ‘secret room’ (Please not another House Next Door!) Jonathan admits that although he was deeply cynical of the twins he has now been “won over”. Carole still thinks they are false. “They’ve been coached,” she barks before viewing herself in the mirror. "My pouch is saturated" she says. Good. God. I don’t want to know.
A twin thinks they should sit and discuss the shopping list before ordering it. Blimey that is sensible. If only I knew which one it was so I could heap my praise on the correct person.
Brian is annoyed by Laura who declares she will stay in bed all day (Never!). “You are a diva,” he tells her. “You don’t know what a diva is!” Laura squeals. "Yes I do, you sit there in your Bet Lynch housecoat.”
As the individual winner in the swimming task, Amanda has to order the shopping list alone as her reward, only when she returns to the house armed only with hairspray, candyfloss and strawberry laces I think it will be more of a punishment – especially when Nicky and Carole realise that Jays fluid and Mr Muscle have been replaced by un-chewable gobstoppers and chocolate mice. Amanda returns, “I got loadsa cake and choccie lahk” Carole is annoyed; Amanda forgot washing powder but remembered Nicky’s hot sauce and Charley’s fags. Tracey goes berserk. “No tobacco man! No tobacco!” Please! Go and ‘deal wiv it’ Tracey and smoke a fagage.
“Seány, you are hard work.” Gerry declares in between rambling on about architecture and the chaos theory and how ‘fantastic’ his own penis is. “My poor bear” he complains. Gerry, you are a 31-year-old man with several degrees and an apparently great knowledge, get over the bear already.
By the evening all of the housemates are called to the sofas and shown £100,000 sitting in the Diary Room. Laura squeals, “It’s the prize fund, it will count down!” She’s wrong. Carole, Jonathan and Seány are called in to the Diary Room. Carole is tearful and fractious because Jonathan used her precious towel and he DIDN’T ASK PERMISSION. The three cannot receive the prize, but they can choose which remaining housemate does get the money. A poisoned chalice?
They get just one minute. They dissuade Seány from giving the money to Laura and Jonathan from giving it to Amanda or Sam and give the money to Liam but he looks less than pleased; in fact he bursts into tears. Brian reassures him. “Don’t worry about crying mate, I’ve mugged myself off.” Charley immediately readjusts her sights and hovers around telling Liam he is “so worft it.”
Carole looks distraught. Seány cannot believe he is up for eviction. (Really?) Jonathan cries, “I don’t need the money anyway, I’d throw it to the crowd!” Shut up, fool. Nicky tentatively sits with Liam but now her burgeoning romance has been stopped. Everyone will think she wants the money. Brian and twins are delighted as usual. You could probably burst into the house and tell the three of them their parents and spontaneously combusted and they’d find the joy somewhere, somehow.
Charley ups her flirting with Liam so Nicky is forced to reveal her hidden weapons – her chest and Amanda’s make up routine. Chanelle has another strop when Gerry touches her sandwich (not a euphemism). Carole takes it upon herself to now dislike Chanelle as well (Carole’s ‘dislike list’ sure is big) and she lies to Laura that she was “in with a chance” of the money. Carole, you vetoed Laura.
Laura tries to convince Ziggy there is something evil about Jonathan but he isn’t so sure. “He’s alright” he tells her. No, Ziggy – for once, Laura is correct. Jonathan continues his hate tirade against Charley but she’s had enough and retaliates, causing another Diary Room trip for the pair and Jonathan stalks the garden alone and forlorn in the early hours. Oh dear, Jonathan has been rumbled.
Think Liam deserved his cash? Wish that Charley was rewarded instead? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Thursday, 21 June 2007
Wednesday, 20 June 2007
Big Brother 8: Day 21: June 19th 2007
The swimming task continues and Chanelle spends every waking second trying to find a way not to actually do any swimming. “I’ll go in the boat” she says as everyone scowls in the background. Laura and Ziggy do the majority of the work, length after length after length. It’s great to see Laura move and to see her smile for once. Carole, the Demon Headmistress, frowns and whines about how she is “done with everyone” before she then goes on to make everyone’s breakfast. Yes, really “done” aren’t you Carole? Amanda dives into the pool and swims until she drops. She may have few brain cells but she has a hell of a lot of stamina.
Charley and Seány take it turns to out annoy everyone by dressing as demented fishermen and shouting through a megaphone. If only a torpedo firing submarine was passing at that very moment. Kill two knobs with one strike!
Carole continues to dominate the kitchen, ticking off every bit of food that may have possibly been eaten without her express written permission. “Where is the sweetcorn? The sweet corn is gone!” She cries with a panic. Carole dear....it's only sweet corn love. I'm surprised she hasn't numbered each bit of corn. She'll be checking everyone's stools to see who had what! Poor Ziggy gets the blame even though it was Liam who ate it. Having said that, the sweet corn was bought with Liam’s luxury shopping budget so he can eat what he wants…but don’t tell Carole I said that.
Billi wants to cause trouble for Ziggy. Charley jumps at the chance but they are a bit too stupid to come up with anything other than a some backstabbing! Whoa, original! Sam gets food poisoning….surely, in some way; somehow this is Seány’s fault? He’s probably been “pranking” again by sprinkling his urine in Sam’s food when she wasn’t looking.
Nomination results are announced, Carole, Jonathan and Seány are up for the vote. There isn’t a huge amount of surprise except on Charley’s face – even she thought she was a goner. Ziggy and Chanelle stare aimlessly into the distance. They’ve grown bored of one another but are too polite to admit it. Gerry has noticed but he gets too giddy when he’s alone with Ziggy to actually tell him straight.
Nicky is attracted to Liam but keeps, unsuccessfully, trying to talk herself out of. “Men repulse me,” she says before slavering over the tree surgeon and giggling like an overexcited schoolgirl when he says he’d quite like to settle down. Nicky is still perplexed as to why Carole won’t speak to her. Here is a clue Nicky, calling someone a “hag” and a “kitchen Nazi” is not inductive to friendship.
Billi lays on the bed in his ill fitting Speedos. He has an incredibly annoying and worrying habit of splaying his legs in front of every camera. I really don’t want to see Billi’s love spuds thanks Big Brother, please make him wear a skirt…and tell Chanelle to put some pants on too – her arse aint any more attractive than Billi’s. Brian thinks he will “die from dehydration man” as the heat in the bedroom increases. He camply wafts himself with a fan and whines that his leg is broken as Billi stares at the twins telling them “Amanda you have the biggest eyes, but Sam yours are wider.” Say what? Either their eyes are the same are they aren’t you twerp.
Lightening and storms around my way kill the live feed so who knows what happened during the night? I imagine it wasn’t anything groundbreaking. Let’s hope Carole is evicted. She’s got nothing left to offer now and Seány and Jonathan, scary though they are, have a little depth.
Like Carole’s weeping Mrs Mop routine? Is Seány actually a leprechaun? Chillwinter@hotmail.co.uk
Charley and Seány take it turns to out annoy everyone by dressing as demented fishermen and shouting through a megaphone. If only a torpedo firing submarine was passing at that very moment. Kill two knobs with one strike!
Carole continues to dominate the kitchen, ticking off every bit of food that may have possibly been eaten without her express written permission. “Where is the sweetcorn? The sweet corn is gone!” She cries with a panic. Carole dear....it's only sweet corn love. I'm surprised she hasn't numbered each bit of corn. She'll be checking everyone's stools to see who had what! Poor Ziggy gets the blame even though it was Liam who ate it. Having said that, the sweet corn was bought with Liam’s luxury shopping budget so he can eat what he wants…but don’t tell Carole I said that.
Billi wants to cause trouble for Ziggy. Charley jumps at the chance but they are a bit too stupid to come up with anything other than a some backstabbing! Whoa, original! Sam gets food poisoning….surely, in some way; somehow this is Seány’s fault? He’s probably been “pranking” again by sprinkling his urine in Sam’s food when she wasn’t looking.
Nomination results are announced, Carole, Jonathan and Seány are up for the vote. There isn’t a huge amount of surprise except on Charley’s face – even she thought she was a goner. Ziggy and Chanelle stare aimlessly into the distance. They’ve grown bored of one another but are too polite to admit it. Gerry has noticed but he gets too giddy when he’s alone with Ziggy to actually tell him straight.
Nicky is attracted to Liam but keeps, unsuccessfully, trying to talk herself out of. “Men repulse me,” she says before slavering over the tree surgeon and giggling like an overexcited schoolgirl when he says he’d quite like to settle down. Nicky is still perplexed as to why Carole won’t speak to her. Here is a clue Nicky, calling someone a “hag” and a “kitchen Nazi” is not inductive to friendship.
Billi lays on the bed in his ill fitting Speedos. He has an incredibly annoying and worrying habit of splaying his legs in front of every camera. I really don’t want to see Billi’s love spuds thanks Big Brother, please make him wear a skirt…and tell Chanelle to put some pants on too – her arse aint any more attractive than Billi’s. Brian thinks he will “die from dehydration man” as the heat in the bedroom increases. He camply wafts himself with a fan and whines that his leg is broken as Billi stares at the twins telling them “Amanda you have the biggest eyes, but Sam yours are wider.” Say what? Either their eyes are the same are they aren’t you twerp.
Lightening and storms around my way kill the live feed so who knows what happened during the night? I imagine it wasn’t anything groundbreaking. Let’s hope Carole is evicted. She’s got nothing left to offer now and Seány and Jonathan, scary though they are, have a little depth.
Like Carole’s weeping Mrs Mop routine? Is Seány actually a leprechaun? Chillwinter@hotmail.co.uk
Tuesday, 19 June 2007
Big Brother 8: Day 20: June 18th 2007
Charley sits down, “I don’t need no arguments. I’m showing them out there I don’t need to argue.” I give it five minutes, as soon as she spots the grubby tide mark in the bath that she left and Carole on the cleaning warpath the usual tedious, ‘I’m not been funny yea’ will start again. Its only two minutes later when she discovers water in her £200 boots and she launches into another ear bleeding whinge. Having said that, after watching Seány take a pee on the fake grass overnight, I’m not at all surprised that Charley might be worried.
Jonathan slithers around the house, exactly like that big snake off The Jungle Book. I’m still waiting for his eyes to start spinning in a hypnotic glower but I’m sure this is a trick he is reserving for the diary room. He gives me the heeby geebies. I don’t trust him. Nor Billi with his bizarre candy floss hair and sniping eyelids.
Nominations are due and suddenly everyone wants to hug and kiss and be polite. Seany’s blotted his copy by watering the boots and grass. Carole has blotted hers by telling everyone not to run on slippery surfaces, lest they fall. Huh Carole, God yeah what a bitch! Thinking of your health and safety? Silly old moo. Amanda takes only 15 minutes, probably easily persuaded by BB bosses that she must not nominate Charley under any circumstances, ‘but feel free to choose your dingbat sister with even less personality than yourself.’ “Luv it!”
Billi limps inside and last 18 minutes. Charley indulges the room with her ‘nice’ personality, all soft voice and ‘babe’ chitchat. If anyone falls for that then they deserve to be evicted for sheer foolishness. “You’ve lost weight,” Carole tells Laura. No she hasn’t Carole, not unless she’s cut her own tongue off. Brian next, and he manages a speedy 13 minutes, Carole is two better at 11 minutes (yes, I really do time these things…) Chanelle takes an age so Gerry takes the opportunity to tell Ziggy he thinks that he “has changed” and become “sad” over the week and that it’s the relationship with Chanelle that has done it. Gerry has a hungry look in his eyes when he talks to Ziggy, not the horrified look he gets when Seány drags him into a near faux homoerotic clinch, but the genuine article.
Charley follows a pale-faced Chanelle, a look of grim determination on her face. Make no mistake; she knows exactly whom she will be nominating. Tracey talks of “phat filmage” and flicks her fingers several times. I’ve given up trying to fathom Tracey at all and have resolved that she must be okay because bitchage and nastyage would have shone through by now, surely? Charley stomps out of the diary room and Gerry gleefully takes her place though I drift off and cannot be certain he even went in. Liam takes a busman’s holiday and decides to prune the plants – hopefully not the ones still containing Seány Pee. Jonathan’s nominations are fairly speedy I would hazard a guess that Nicky and a twin are in his internal eyeball target. Laura almost breaks into a run to take her turn, but thinks better of it. Her blood pressure wouldn’t be able to cope – she hasn’t run since she skipped up the steps into the house nearly three weeks ago.
The rest of the afternoon is fairly standard and dull.
An endurance swimming task is set in the world’s smallest pool. Chanelle struggles. “You are so unfit” Gerry jokes but Chanelle aint laughing. “I’m a beached whale, I feel so fat.” “Don’t be a prick Gerry” Nicky tries to retort in gest only it makes Chanelle cry even harder and Gerry storms off whining to Carole and Jonathan about being ‘insulted.’ (Is ‘prick’ really the most insulting thing he’s ever heard? I would have thought being a slightly podgy, over qualified, strangely hairless berk who doesn’t mind sticking his tongue down the throat of a crusty, glitter inhaling pixie like Seány would have warranted a much worse insult by now. ‘Arsehole’ maybe?)
The unholy alliance that is Big Brother’s mum and dad Carothan (Jonale?) riles at Nicky, demanding answers. It’s strange how a seemingly wise and sorted woman like Carole can be so quickly suckered in by a man she has known for 72 hours. I’m a telling ya! It's them devil eyes. Jonathan thinks the twins are fake – so now does Carole! Jonathan thinks Ziggy is deceitful – so now does Carole! Jonathan thinks Nicky is Satan’s spawn – so now des Carole!
Nicky tries not to tell tales about Gerry but he overhears his name and screams at her. She screams back INCREDIBLY LOUDLY as Tracey and Liam look on in utter terror. Charley is amazed that a) she’s not involved and b) at some point Gerry called Nicky fat. “You’re the next thinnest in here.” She says. “After me.” Of course.
Big Brother, bored of the arguing of skinny women and their insecurities, focus instead on an extreme close up if Seány as he pseudo-seductively flutters his eye lashes and whispers something unintelligible to camera. I feel so bilious I’d rather they cut to Billi pulling out his contact lenses. Suddenly Shabnam’s flaky scalp and mucky face don’t seem all that bad.
Think Jonathan is a schemer or a truth teller? Do you like Gerry’s grumpy side? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Jonathan slithers around the house, exactly like that big snake off The Jungle Book. I’m still waiting for his eyes to start spinning in a hypnotic glower but I’m sure this is a trick he is reserving for the diary room. He gives me the heeby geebies. I don’t trust him. Nor Billi with his bizarre candy floss hair and sniping eyelids.
Nominations are due and suddenly everyone wants to hug and kiss and be polite. Seany’s blotted his copy by watering the boots and grass. Carole has blotted hers by telling everyone not to run on slippery surfaces, lest they fall. Huh Carole, God yeah what a bitch! Thinking of your health and safety? Silly old moo. Amanda takes only 15 minutes, probably easily persuaded by BB bosses that she must not nominate Charley under any circumstances, ‘but feel free to choose your dingbat sister with even less personality than yourself.’ “Luv it!”
Billi limps inside and last 18 minutes. Charley indulges the room with her ‘nice’ personality, all soft voice and ‘babe’ chitchat. If anyone falls for that then they deserve to be evicted for sheer foolishness. “You’ve lost weight,” Carole tells Laura. No she hasn’t Carole, not unless she’s cut her own tongue off. Brian next, and he manages a speedy 13 minutes, Carole is two better at 11 minutes (yes, I really do time these things…) Chanelle takes an age so Gerry takes the opportunity to tell Ziggy he thinks that he “has changed” and become “sad” over the week and that it’s the relationship with Chanelle that has done it. Gerry has a hungry look in his eyes when he talks to Ziggy, not the horrified look he gets when Seány drags him into a near faux homoerotic clinch, but the genuine article.
Charley follows a pale-faced Chanelle, a look of grim determination on her face. Make no mistake; she knows exactly whom she will be nominating. Tracey talks of “phat filmage” and flicks her fingers several times. I’ve given up trying to fathom Tracey at all and have resolved that she must be okay because bitchage and nastyage would have shone through by now, surely? Charley stomps out of the diary room and Gerry gleefully takes her place though I drift off and cannot be certain he even went in. Liam takes a busman’s holiday and decides to prune the plants – hopefully not the ones still containing Seány Pee. Jonathan’s nominations are fairly speedy I would hazard a guess that Nicky and a twin are in his internal eyeball target. Laura almost breaks into a run to take her turn, but thinks better of it. Her blood pressure wouldn’t be able to cope – she hasn’t run since she skipped up the steps into the house nearly three weeks ago.
The rest of the afternoon is fairly standard and dull.
An endurance swimming task is set in the world’s smallest pool. Chanelle struggles. “You are so unfit” Gerry jokes but Chanelle aint laughing. “I’m a beached whale, I feel so fat.” “Don’t be a prick Gerry” Nicky tries to retort in gest only it makes Chanelle cry even harder and Gerry storms off whining to Carole and Jonathan about being ‘insulted.’ (Is ‘prick’ really the most insulting thing he’s ever heard? I would have thought being a slightly podgy, over qualified, strangely hairless berk who doesn’t mind sticking his tongue down the throat of a crusty, glitter inhaling pixie like Seány would have warranted a much worse insult by now. ‘Arsehole’ maybe?)
The unholy alliance that is Big Brother’s mum and dad Carothan (Jonale?) riles at Nicky, demanding answers. It’s strange how a seemingly wise and sorted woman like Carole can be so quickly suckered in by a man she has known for 72 hours. I’m a telling ya! It's them devil eyes. Jonathan thinks the twins are fake – so now does Carole! Jonathan thinks Ziggy is deceitful – so now does Carole! Jonathan thinks Nicky is Satan’s spawn – so now des Carole!
Nicky tries not to tell tales about Gerry but he overhears his name and screams at her. She screams back INCREDIBLY LOUDLY as Tracey and Liam look on in utter terror. Charley is amazed that a) she’s not involved and b) at some point Gerry called Nicky fat. “You’re the next thinnest in here.” She says. “After me.” Of course.
Big Brother, bored of the arguing of skinny women and their insecurities, focus instead on an extreme close up if Seány as he pseudo-seductively flutters his eye lashes and whispers something unintelligible to camera. I feel so bilious I’d rather they cut to Billi pulling out his contact lenses. Suddenly Shabnam’s flaky scalp and mucky face don’t seem all that bad.
Think Jonathan is a schemer or a truth teller? Do you like Gerry’s grumpy side? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Monday, 18 June 2007
Big Brother 8: Days 17 18 and 19 - 1th June 2007
Eviction night more or less whimpered on to screen. Struggling against the inexplicably popular Britain’s Got Talent (it doesn’t – all weeping kids nursing shattered dreams and big-busted women in ill-fitting leotards? Talent. Yeah, sure.) and a second episode of Coronation Street (Claire Peacock sure is determined that one of her sons will be hit by a car). Carole, a moany woman of 53 who looks 30 years older, Tracey a conservative raver and Shabnam a vainglorious monstrosity of mental illness, desperation and BO – waited with a mixure of hope and fear for eviction. Hope they would leave Charley behind and fear that they might not.
The day has been tense. Charley gets an official warning for masterminding a plan to plaster a sleeping Gerry with eyeliner as he lies in ignorance. The group decides she’s trouble and shun her, only they forget that in order to successfully shun someone you shouldn’t be talking to them or fixing their hair. Everyone waits for the eviction – Davina announces that four more men are to go in as Shabnam (dead cert) leaves – no doubt adding further to the air of disappointment already saturating the air.
The men enter – Housemate 15 is Billi, a 25-year-old model. He’s “bored” modelling (there is only so much pouting and scowling in sync anyone can do). He wants to become a fashion advisor, a sort of low rent, disingenuous Gok Wan. He has to straighten his mad curly hair every day, he loves to wrestle and go “women hunting” since “standards are lower at 3.30am.” It’s clear when he enters that he quite likes the triplets – Amanda, Sam and Chanelle. Billi scares me; his agency name is ‘Massimo.’ The crowd, when not indifferent, are bored. I have no hopes.
House Reaction: An oddly ‘meh’ feel. Gerry thinks he may be gay.
Housemate 16 is Jonathan. He is 49, a poor man’s East End gangster. He’s a millionaire with no taste and a dark side. He can’t be humiliated apparently (please!) and he’s “blunt and cutting” (pah) and enjoys people looking at him. I hope he lives up to it – I suspect he won’t. His money and brashness will instantly attract Charley and annoy Tracey and Seany. He is strangely camp.
House Reaction: Craziness. The twins embrace him and Shabnam immediately tries to set him up with Carole. He says something to Tracey that makes her pull a face of either horror or delight – but I never get to find out.
Housemate 17 is Liam, a 22-year-old tree surgeon from Durham. He has a fit body and a nice ish face. He also plays cricket. The girls love him, Nicky especially. He seems a canny lad, and knows more than he lets on. I like him. He’s one to watch.
Housemate 18 is Brian a 19-year-old IT man from Essex. He loves to party and thinks he looks like 50 Cent. He seems a good soul really, I get good vibes – he loves people and will always be up for a confrontation. Brian gets quite a good reception; he loves cosmic ordering and lives with his apparently formidable mum.
House Reaction: Mental. Charley and the twins go mad. Seany is delighted, Ziggy is glad of some more testosterone, but sadly, Charley knows him.
Shabnam is evicted with a massive 81.4% of the vote (out of 3?). “Please don’t boo me” she whines “ I’m fun. I love you all!” she acts crackers and the crowd inevitably revert to type, “off, off, off” they cry. “Who are you, who are you, who are you?”
The next day the new men are made to sing for their supper in an entirely cringeworthty and embarrassing rendition of YMCA, dressed as the Village People. I’m not sure I will ever eradicate the image of Jonathan as Native American chief…I’m shuddering now.
Charley has another major strop over the dreaded and hopefully-soon-to-be-binned hair straightners. Nicky asserts it must be because she managed a whole day of no arguing and something had to give. Charley thinks someone is “trying to make me look stupid? Singularly forgetting that she has a plethora of idiot skills all of her own. Billi feels the wrath considering he loves straightening himself (aint that the truth). Brian feels awkward, he tries to be wise, tries to counsel Charley but the woman is a stranger to wisdom as she is a stranger to decorum.
Only Seany remains with any patience for the increasingly isolated Charley – but then, he works with hundreds of ‘disengaged youths’ everyday and he has a touch of madness himself (Michael Jackson?). Laura is blamed for leaving the hair straightener gas on immediately re-igniting (!) her bulldog chewing a wasp face, which sets in for the duration.
Liam has everyone sussed in a heartbeat – Charley is a “lick arse” Ziggy is “canny” and Chanelle is the “most attractive” – the others need to “work hard”. Liam is like the male version of Chanelle, pretty on the outside, smart as hell on the inside. I think I might like him.
Carole gets to play mother, much to Jonathan’s pleasure. There’s no chemistry there, just a brotherly sisterly affection. Tracey suddenly relaxes, Sam and Amanda become obsessed with Brian, and Laura grumps. Business is as it ever was.
Love the new men? Prefer tuneless fat men as the representation of Britain’s talent?
Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
The day has been tense. Charley gets an official warning for masterminding a plan to plaster a sleeping Gerry with eyeliner as he lies in ignorance. The group decides she’s trouble and shun her, only they forget that in order to successfully shun someone you shouldn’t be talking to them or fixing their hair. Everyone waits for the eviction – Davina announces that four more men are to go in as Shabnam (dead cert) leaves – no doubt adding further to the air of disappointment already saturating the air.
The men enter – Housemate 15 is Billi, a 25-year-old model. He’s “bored” modelling (there is only so much pouting and scowling in sync anyone can do). He wants to become a fashion advisor, a sort of low rent, disingenuous Gok Wan. He has to straighten his mad curly hair every day, he loves to wrestle and go “women hunting” since “standards are lower at 3.30am.” It’s clear when he enters that he quite likes the triplets – Amanda, Sam and Chanelle. Billi scares me; his agency name is ‘Massimo.’ The crowd, when not indifferent, are bored. I have no hopes.
House Reaction: An oddly ‘meh’ feel. Gerry thinks he may be gay.
Housemate 16 is Jonathan. He is 49, a poor man’s East End gangster. He’s a millionaire with no taste and a dark side. He can’t be humiliated apparently (please!) and he’s “blunt and cutting” (pah) and enjoys people looking at him. I hope he lives up to it – I suspect he won’t. His money and brashness will instantly attract Charley and annoy Tracey and Seany. He is strangely camp.
House Reaction: Craziness. The twins embrace him and Shabnam immediately tries to set him up with Carole. He says something to Tracey that makes her pull a face of either horror or delight – but I never get to find out.
Housemate 17 is Liam, a 22-year-old tree surgeon from Durham. He has a fit body and a nice ish face. He also plays cricket. The girls love him, Nicky especially. He seems a canny lad, and knows more than he lets on. I like him. He’s one to watch.
Housemate 18 is Brian a 19-year-old IT man from Essex. He loves to party and thinks he looks like 50 Cent. He seems a good soul really, I get good vibes – he loves people and will always be up for a confrontation. Brian gets quite a good reception; he loves cosmic ordering and lives with his apparently formidable mum.
House Reaction: Mental. Charley and the twins go mad. Seany is delighted, Ziggy is glad of some more testosterone, but sadly, Charley knows him.
Shabnam is evicted with a massive 81.4% of the vote (out of 3?). “Please don’t boo me” she whines “ I’m fun. I love you all!” she acts crackers and the crowd inevitably revert to type, “off, off, off” they cry. “Who are you, who are you, who are you?”
The next day the new men are made to sing for their supper in an entirely cringeworthty and embarrassing rendition of YMCA, dressed as the Village People. I’m not sure I will ever eradicate the image of Jonathan as Native American chief…I’m shuddering now.
Charley has another major strop over the dreaded and hopefully-soon-to-be-binned hair straightners. Nicky asserts it must be because she managed a whole day of no arguing and something had to give. Charley thinks someone is “trying to make me look stupid? Singularly forgetting that she has a plethora of idiot skills all of her own. Billi feels the wrath considering he loves straightening himself (aint that the truth). Brian feels awkward, he tries to be wise, tries to counsel Charley but the woman is a stranger to wisdom as she is a stranger to decorum.
Only Seany remains with any patience for the increasingly isolated Charley – but then, he works with hundreds of ‘disengaged youths’ everyday and he has a touch of madness himself (Michael Jackson?). Laura is blamed for leaving the hair straightener gas on immediately re-igniting (!) her bulldog chewing a wasp face, which sets in for the duration.
Liam has everyone sussed in a heartbeat – Charley is a “lick arse” Ziggy is “canny” and Chanelle is the “most attractive” – the others need to “work hard”. Liam is like the male version of Chanelle, pretty on the outside, smart as hell on the inside. I think I might like him.
Carole gets to play mother, much to Jonathan’s pleasure. There’s no chemistry there, just a brotherly sisterly affection. Tracey suddenly relaxes, Sam and Amanda become obsessed with Brian, and Laura grumps. Business is as it ever was.
Love the new men? Prefer tuneless fat men as the representation of Britain’s talent?
Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Tuesday, 12 June 2007
Big Brother - Day 13 - June 11th 2007
Charley and Shabnam sit up all night spewing venomous drivel about Chanelle. It’s not even remotely unpleasant to watch, just ever so tedious and tiresome. Aware that the cameras are on her, Charley decides she will once again be on “the front page of every paper” by having a quick contrived snog with Shab. Let it go Charley, I hardly think The Guardian will snub the G8, Darfur and Gordon Brown just to see your slavering chops attached to some other horrendous wannabe with a Care in the Community Order. Charley must be very desperate…the last person who went within a mile radius of Shabnam’s gob is now in an MRSA induced coma.
The morning comes and it takes all of two seconds after the alarm for Charley to start up again. It’s as if she has a Bitch Switch at the back of her head and someone unseen turns her off at around 4am before she automatically reinstalls it at alarm time. Nicky is on the receiving end because she had too many cigs, or too few. I can’t tell, Charley’s trap is in full throttle, like a rollercoaster with a turbo engine “not been funny yea, but me of all people yea, and anyway yea, I aint even saying that, but you see I dunt even know yea, because” Shut. Up. Idiot.
Seany sports a hat that makes him look like a Smurf, only more hairy and sinister. He’s recovered from his day long perv sessions, I mean Interview Task to help Nicky calm down a rearrange the fridge. Carole sits and eats a banana quietly. I’m quite convinced Carole has laced all of her fruit with some mind altering drug that she managed, allegedly, to get from Tracey on opening night. How else can she stand to watch and listen to the endless, repetitive and not even slightly interesting goings on in the house? She must be off her tits.
Since nominations are due Shabnam decides to wash her clothes, which must be the first time in about seventeen years. Once she has managed to chisel them from their rotting position on the floor, carpet melting slowly beneath, she leaves them stagnating in the bath until Carole declares they are “disgusting” and need sorting.
Gerry decides to indulge in a bit of his own sniffing and lays on Ziggy’s bed, inhaling deeply. I hope to all that is holy and decent that this will not be a repeat of the Anthony-Craig-Anthony lust triangle we endured in BB6. I’m not sure my fingertips could stand another all night gnawing as Gerry coos “I’ll look after you” like a serial killer picking up a drunken hitchhiker.
Ziggy lays under the sun lounger trying to sleep without the constant whirring of Charley’s mouth and Sam and Amanda’s “woo”. The camera zooms in. I’m sorry but no way is Ziggy 26. His skin is leathery. Hard to believe he and I popped out of our mamas in 1981. Not unless his mother got pregnant in 1968 and delayed his birth through hard work and gin.
The twins have been selected to nominate alongside Seany and Gerry. Clearly this was an easy choice, a cop out. Sam and Amanda are so bland, so indecipherable and impenetrable it is impossible to tell who they do and don’t like and if they are capable of independent thought. Will Amanda transmit her scary telepathic twinnish thoughts to Sam when it comes to her turn? Will they nominate one another? Will they both do everyone a favour and nominate Charley? The excitement is sure to kill me.
Chanelle and Ziggy spoon in bed. Again. There is so much slurpage I have to hit mute. How boring are these two? They never have a conversation except for Ziggy speaking very fast and mumbly about nothing and Chanelle saying, “oh, I know”. Even more shocking is the sudden Gerry and Seany flirtation, grins and ear strokes and general burgeoning lust. I honestly thought Gerry would have better taste and I’m still not convinced Seany is gay, not the way his eyes appraise Amanda’s breasts at every opportunity. For the 180th time today, Nicky whines “I’m not going to get stressed about food” before she gets stressed about food.
Carole dances to the alarm, a mass of wobbling flesh and wild hair. She’s the only one so far today holding my interest. Shabnam fishes for nomination news but Amanda and Gerry buffer her annoying talk and discuss Laura’s future career in undertaking instead.
Anyone else bored?
Fascinated by recent events? Worry that Seany is not quite “there”? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
The morning comes and it takes all of two seconds after the alarm for Charley to start up again. It’s as if she has a Bitch Switch at the back of her head and someone unseen turns her off at around 4am before she automatically reinstalls it at alarm time. Nicky is on the receiving end because she had too many cigs, or too few. I can’t tell, Charley’s trap is in full throttle, like a rollercoaster with a turbo engine “not been funny yea, but me of all people yea, and anyway yea, I aint even saying that, but you see I dunt even know yea, because” Shut. Up. Idiot.
Seany sports a hat that makes him look like a Smurf, only more hairy and sinister. He’s recovered from his day long perv sessions, I mean Interview Task to help Nicky calm down a rearrange the fridge. Carole sits and eats a banana quietly. I’m quite convinced Carole has laced all of her fruit with some mind altering drug that she managed, allegedly, to get from Tracey on opening night. How else can she stand to watch and listen to the endless, repetitive and not even slightly interesting goings on in the house? She must be off her tits.
Since nominations are due Shabnam decides to wash her clothes, which must be the first time in about seventeen years. Once she has managed to chisel them from their rotting position on the floor, carpet melting slowly beneath, she leaves them stagnating in the bath until Carole declares they are “disgusting” and need sorting.
Gerry decides to indulge in a bit of his own sniffing and lays on Ziggy’s bed, inhaling deeply. I hope to all that is holy and decent that this will not be a repeat of the Anthony-Craig-Anthony lust triangle we endured in BB6. I’m not sure my fingertips could stand another all night gnawing as Gerry coos “I’ll look after you” like a serial killer picking up a drunken hitchhiker.
Ziggy lays under the sun lounger trying to sleep without the constant whirring of Charley’s mouth and Sam and Amanda’s “woo”. The camera zooms in. I’m sorry but no way is Ziggy 26. His skin is leathery. Hard to believe he and I popped out of our mamas in 1981. Not unless his mother got pregnant in 1968 and delayed his birth through hard work and gin.
The twins have been selected to nominate alongside Seany and Gerry. Clearly this was an easy choice, a cop out. Sam and Amanda are so bland, so indecipherable and impenetrable it is impossible to tell who they do and don’t like and if they are capable of independent thought. Will Amanda transmit her scary telepathic twinnish thoughts to Sam when it comes to her turn? Will they nominate one another? Will they both do everyone a favour and nominate Charley? The excitement is sure to kill me.
Chanelle and Ziggy spoon in bed. Again. There is so much slurpage I have to hit mute. How boring are these two? They never have a conversation except for Ziggy speaking very fast and mumbly about nothing and Chanelle saying, “oh, I know”. Even more shocking is the sudden Gerry and Seany flirtation, grins and ear strokes and general burgeoning lust. I honestly thought Gerry would have better taste and I’m still not convinced Seany is gay, not the way his eyes appraise Amanda’s breasts at every opportunity. For the 180th time today, Nicky whines “I’m not going to get stressed about food” before she gets stressed about food.
Carole dances to the alarm, a mass of wobbling flesh and wild hair. She’s the only one so far today holding my interest. Shabnam fishes for nomination news but Amanda and Gerry buffer her annoying talk and discuss Laura’s future career in undertaking instead.
Anyone else bored?
Fascinated by recent events? Worry that Seany is not quite “there”? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Monday, 11 June 2007
Big Brother 8 - Day 12 - June 10th 2007
Someone crapped on the floor. Tracey suggests it could be a “small mammal.” Yes, Trace, my money is on Shabnam. Charley thinks she can see a footprint in it. She’s lucky her face didn’t end up in after she spent the night Ziggy baiting, stealing Nicky’s alcohol and allowing the increasingly stressed young old man to deal with the brunt of Nicky’s depression inducing temper. The next day, Nicky and Lesley discuss men. Lesley wants passion. A strange hungry look creeps over her face, the sort of look that could frighten the horses. She knows two men will enter on Friday…she can almost smell them. “What can a man give you?” She asks Nicky. Think about it Lesley. Arrange these words into a well know sentence To Seeing Good Right A!
Carole attempts to occupy the dullards by prizing them away from sunbathing and encouraging them to take part in a sack race. Big Brother scuppers any effort at fun and confines everyone to the house. Ziggy pines for some testosterone company…he finds himself bitching and arguing and talking about emotions, he practically a girl. He worries for Chanelle’s “innocence” fearing she may be “corrupted” although his fears soon die away when a scantily clad Chanelle invites him into bed. Turns out Ziggy is the only one allowed to do any corrupting.
By Friday night two more men are desperately shoved into the house…I’m worried that some over auditioned London himbo who knows Charley from the party scene is about to descend. First in is Gerry a 31-year-old “Greek poof academic”. He’s a gay man who is fed up with boys, over qualified and unemployable. His hobby is basically sex. I sense he is almost a kindred spirit with good old Nicky…I can see them bonding over sugar puffs and ancient civilisation.
Seany, the missing Irish member of Goldie Lookin' Chain is next. He’s a 25-year-old Michael Jackson fan…he even supported him at his trial. A gay man who was “once straight” Seany is a 25-year-old youth worker who hates camp guys and elderly people and dresses like Shabnam's smellier male alter ego. He milks the crowd so much they go from cheers to boos in four and half seconds. Fat legged girls with over bleached hair chant, “Get Charley Out” something duly noted in Seany’s mind. He waits nervously by the door until Sam and Amanda wrestle him to the ground in a rush of oestrogen.
My spidey sense tingles with Seany. I do not like the man…he’s too consciously ‘wacky’ where it comes naturally to Tracey. He’s got narrow eyes and a very cold face…although having said that I’ll probably end up loving him in a few weeks and joining some crazed internet forum of love just for him. I prefer Gerry; he at least has a sense of gratitude, humour and intelligence. I feel bad for slagging Ziggy off now, he aint so bad in comparison.
Tragedy strikes on Saturday when fabulous Lesley Brain decides to leave. She’s too bored to cope and she has smelt the very same bad smell I get with Seany. It’s a pity…she was the only reason I was watching. I blame Seany…he should never have lifted Lesley’s duvet (thank God that’s not a euphemism).
Laura whines and bitches. I had high hopes for Laura but her personality consists entirely of having those “hilarious” big wangers. I’m bored of her twittering on about Ziggy and Chanelle. Her face is so sour she could put herself off food – and that’s saying something. Charley worries about the “Get Charley Out” chants but Nicky tells her to “turn it around”. Nicky dear, Charley would have to save an orphanage of blind one-limbed children from the ravages of fire for that crowd to like her.
My live feed broke down. I really didn’t care. That’s not a good omen.
Love the new housemates? Worry that BO is pungent in the air? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Carole attempts to occupy the dullards by prizing them away from sunbathing and encouraging them to take part in a sack race. Big Brother scuppers any effort at fun and confines everyone to the house. Ziggy pines for some testosterone company…he finds himself bitching and arguing and talking about emotions, he practically a girl. He worries for Chanelle’s “innocence” fearing she may be “corrupted” although his fears soon die away when a scantily clad Chanelle invites him into bed. Turns out Ziggy is the only one allowed to do any corrupting.
By Friday night two more men are desperately shoved into the house…I’m worried that some over auditioned London himbo who knows Charley from the party scene is about to descend. First in is Gerry a 31-year-old “Greek poof academic”. He’s a gay man who is fed up with boys, over qualified and unemployable. His hobby is basically sex. I sense he is almost a kindred spirit with good old Nicky…I can see them bonding over sugar puffs and ancient civilisation.
Seany, the missing Irish member of Goldie Lookin' Chain is next. He’s a 25-year-old Michael Jackson fan…he even supported him at his trial. A gay man who was “once straight” Seany is a 25-year-old youth worker who hates camp guys and elderly people and dresses like Shabnam's smellier male alter ego. He milks the crowd so much they go from cheers to boos in four and half seconds. Fat legged girls with over bleached hair chant, “Get Charley Out” something duly noted in Seany’s mind. He waits nervously by the door until Sam and Amanda wrestle him to the ground in a rush of oestrogen.
My spidey sense tingles with Seany. I do not like the man…he’s too consciously ‘wacky’ where it comes naturally to Tracey. He’s got narrow eyes and a very cold face…although having said that I’ll probably end up loving him in a few weeks and joining some crazed internet forum of love just for him. I prefer Gerry; he at least has a sense of gratitude, humour and intelligence. I feel bad for slagging Ziggy off now, he aint so bad in comparison.
Tragedy strikes on Saturday when fabulous Lesley Brain decides to leave. She’s too bored to cope and she has smelt the very same bad smell I get with Seany. It’s a pity…she was the only reason I was watching. I blame Seany…he should never have lifted Lesley’s duvet (thank God that’s not a euphemism).
Laura whines and bitches. I had high hopes for Laura but her personality consists entirely of having those “hilarious” big wangers. I’m bored of her twittering on about Ziggy and Chanelle. Her face is so sour she could put herself off food – and that’s saying something. Charley worries about the “Get Charley Out” chants but Nicky tells her to “turn it around”. Nicky dear, Charley would have to save an orphanage of blind one-limbed children from the ravages of fire for that crowd to like her.
My live feed broke down. I really didn’t care. That’s not a good omen.
Love the new housemates? Worry that BO is pungent in the air? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Friday, 8 June 2007
Big Brother 8: Day 10 8th June 2007
The trouble with hastily enforced OfCom dictated new rules is that you have to stick to them.
Emily, the blonde empty eyed Hollyoaks clone with the voice like a posh Orville the Duck, postponed her tedious rows with Chanelle to dance in her pants in the garden with Charley and Nicky. She tried to be hip, she tried to be jive…she somehow ended up calling Charley a n***er. Heck! Emily retired to bed and hoped no one saw. Charley and Nicky twittered on about how nothing had happened, immediately piquing the interest of the entire house who guessed exactly what was said. Fifteen worn out Channel 4 Executives sat with their heads in their hands, a vision of Shilpa Shetty’s wholesome tears rushing through their minds. Emily is dragged knickerless out of bed at 3.30am and instantly ejected from the house for her racist remarks.
Lesley is unperturbed. Emily’s “stirring” had met a buffer in Lesley. She reads Big Brother’s laminate explanation with no emotion save a twinkle of superciliousness. Ziggy/Zac, a 26-year-old man of 44 nods knowingly, stating that what Emily said was “not cool” before comforting Charley and rubbing Chanelle’s neck. The mood is one of deflation.
Shabnam Soap Dodger, a woman so mucky Channel 4 already employed her in a series about mucky people, is spared her eviction. Still, in Shabnam Land everything is always “great” and everyone “gorgeous.” “I’m just here for exposure” she opines several times a minute. Shabnam dear, please stop exposing it…I for one don’t want to see it. Big Brother cannot be bothered to continue with Shabnam’s punishment now Emily has gone. They relent meekly and the shower room is opened and skanky Shab finally gets a wash. The colour of her bath water! Ugh.
Vapid Twin 1 straightens Chanelle’s hair whilst Vapid Twin 2 looks on. Charley plays the racially abused victim, “Emily wasn’t offensive yeah, but you know, yeah, she so shouldn’t have said it yeah?” I’m sure Charley thinks this will win it for her, after all it worked for Shilpa. Charley my love, Shilpa had decorum and a career you have a size zero arse and a gob like a rip in the space time continuum.
Carole discovers something dangerously close to a personality, something she has successfully hidden since her entrance VT. She decides to play a trick on Lesley which I somehow doubt will go down well. Tracey flops around the house “‘aving it” and “dealing wiv it” extending her annoying repertoire of adding “age” to absolutely bloody everything; Ruleage was broken, Boobage was on display. Someone had a cup of tea-age. Tracey – piss offage and have a washage!
Laura the woman who apprently needs more food than anyone else (you don’t get fat through need my dear, just greed. And thyroid.) lollops on the sofa in her dressing gown contributing nothing, not even a jolly Myfanwyism. She’s a bit like Jo O’Meara but lacking the reckless edge. Since she was prized away from the fridge by Nicky the Fringe, Laura has offered nothing, not even a small undercurrent of wit. Thank goodness for Lesley, a grumpy bossy old woman who I think I shall model myself on.
With the moronic but strangely compulsive Emily gone, Big Brother really needs some men. I’m a free thinking, future loving feminist and all that balls but please…a couple of Alpha males and a miserable old sod would do the house a world of good, plus Ziggy/Zac, the lipless, leather-faced sh*t stirrer needs someone to call him out. Lesley needs someone who might, just might, get her asides and her jokes. Charley needs another excuse to talk about herself and complain, “I’m not being funny yeah? But…” etc etc etc. Thankfully, two men are to enter tonight.
God rest Emily, long live a man of distinction.
Think Charley is a victim? Trust Ziggy with your life? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Emily, the blonde empty eyed Hollyoaks clone with the voice like a posh Orville the Duck, postponed her tedious rows with Chanelle to dance in her pants in the garden with Charley and Nicky. She tried to be hip, she tried to be jive…she somehow ended up calling Charley a n***er. Heck! Emily retired to bed and hoped no one saw. Charley and Nicky twittered on about how nothing had happened, immediately piquing the interest of the entire house who guessed exactly what was said. Fifteen worn out Channel 4 Executives sat with their heads in their hands, a vision of Shilpa Shetty’s wholesome tears rushing through their minds. Emily is dragged knickerless out of bed at 3.30am and instantly ejected from the house for her racist remarks.
Lesley is unperturbed. Emily’s “stirring” had met a buffer in Lesley. She reads Big Brother’s laminate explanation with no emotion save a twinkle of superciliousness. Ziggy/Zac, a 26-year-old man of 44 nods knowingly, stating that what Emily said was “not cool” before comforting Charley and rubbing Chanelle’s neck. The mood is one of deflation.
Shabnam Soap Dodger, a woman so mucky Channel 4 already employed her in a series about mucky people, is spared her eviction. Still, in Shabnam Land everything is always “great” and everyone “gorgeous.” “I’m just here for exposure” she opines several times a minute. Shabnam dear, please stop exposing it…I for one don’t want to see it. Big Brother cannot be bothered to continue with Shabnam’s punishment now Emily has gone. They relent meekly and the shower room is opened and skanky Shab finally gets a wash. The colour of her bath water! Ugh.
Vapid Twin 1 straightens Chanelle’s hair whilst Vapid Twin 2 looks on. Charley plays the racially abused victim, “Emily wasn’t offensive yeah, but you know, yeah, she so shouldn’t have said it yeah?” I’m sure Charley thinks this will win it for her, after all it worked for Shilpa. Charley my love, Shilpa had decorum and a career you have a size zero arse and a gob like a rip in the space time continuum.
Carole discovers something dangerously close to a personality, something she has successfully hidden since her entrance VT. She decides to play a trick on Lesley which I somehow doubt will go down well. Tracey flops around the house “‘aving it” and “dealing wiv it” extending her annoying repertoire of adding “age” to absolutely bloody everything; Ruleage was broken, Boobage was on display. Someone had a cup of tea-age. Tracey – piss offage and have a washage!
Laura the woman who apprently needs more food than anyone else (you don’t get fat through need my dear, just greed. And thyroid.) lollops on the sofa in her dressing gown contributing nothing, not even a jolly Myfanwyism. She’s a bit like Jo O’Meara but lacking the reckless edge. Since she was prized away from the fridge by Nicky the Fringe, Laura has offered nothing, not even a small undercurrent of wit. Thank goodness for Lesley, a grumpy bossy old woman who I think I shall model myself on.
With the moronic but strangely compulsive Emily gone, Big Brother really needs some men. I’m a free thinking, future loving feminist and all that balls but please…a couple of Alpha males and a miserable old sod would do the house a world of good, plus Ziggy/Zac, the lipless, leather-faced sh*t stirrer needs someone to call him out. Lesley needs someone who might, just might, get her asides and her jokes. Charley needs another excuse to talk about herself and complain, “I’m not being funny yeah? But…” etc etc etc. Thankfully, two men are to enter tonight.
God rest Emily, long live a man of distinction.
Think Charley is a victim? Trust Ziggy with your life? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
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