Oh dear. If only I had opened a book on how long my viewing would last (couldn’t generate the interest). The appallingness of Charley, Ziggy, Liam and t’other bint is still fresh in my mind – it drove me away from BB just six weeks or so in last time. I naturally despise myself for watching this **** but there is something vaguely community like about BB. A rancid, deeply unhappy community, but a community none the less.
So, opening night. Davina looked polished – shiny hair, screeched threats of a “tough Big Brother” (yeah, sure). There is 93 days. 93 days! Goodness, I’m crying here. So there is a prison and solitary confinement – that is until one of the dull retard ‘chosen ones’ with a gob like an erupted volcano who commands “viewer pull” breaks a rule and gets no punishment – sending me over the edge. Again. There’s a nice room and a crap room – a bit like series 3 only, hopefully, without a reincarnation of Jade.
There’s a bathroom open for everyone to see, as though this is some kind of off putting shock to the housemates – shameless, soulless toss bags with seriously defective brains and more confidence than a room full of Premier League footballers.
The fist two housemates are a couple (of twerps). Mario (real name: Sean) aged 42 and Lisa, aged 40. They tell us how “extrovert” they are. They tell us three times. Yes, we get it. He looks like a pug dog that’s been stretched to at least 4 feet 11. She looks like the lower rent Sindie doll from the 1980s that’s been left too close to the iron. She’s thin, he wants her thinner. She plays dim, he plays prick. They are good at their chosen roles.
Next is Luke, a 20-year-old student channelling Ashley Peacock and nine-year-old girl. He’s so comical he could have been animated by drama students. I quite like him. I even like his exaggerated arms gesticulations. I like the fact that it is almost certain he’ll break down into an unravelling, snivelling, disturbing mess in the next 10 days. He even admits he’s a crap shag. Ah, sweet honesty. How refreshing. He even has opinions. Opinions on real subjects. *Fans self* I’m aghast.
4th in and all the good work I thought BB had done with Luke is immediately undone by Stephanie, aged 19. She’s The Bint of the series, clearly. We are subjected to “I’m hot” “I’m great” “I’m a total tw*t with no self awareness” etc. I doze off. I’m counting down the seconds until she makes some hilarious ‘thick’ comment about the location of Aberdeen. She is booed, quite rightly. She dresses in gaffer tape and shows the crowd her Fairy Cave as she totters up the stairs. Classy.
A seemingly pointless secret mission is given to the four. Mario must pretend to be dating Steph and Lisa has to pretend she doesn’t know Mario. Now, if I were Lisa I’d see this as a blessing. Instead she scowls. This is yet another ruse to MESS WITH NOMINATIONS because if the mission fails the four face the public vote. Bye bye Steph. Please just let the housemates nominate and do not mess with the result. Yes?
Rachel, a 24 year old trainee teacher, bounders in next. She’s knowingly annoying and talks a lot. She talks crap a lot. She used to be a size 16 but is now a size 8. She has a skinny top half and a fat backside. Thus, she is “curvy”. She describes herself as a “catholic” which I believe. Or, at least, I believe it until the inevitable spin-the-bottle, girl-on-girl tedium crops up one midnight on E4.
Dale next. He’s 21 and a ‘student’. He’s a total div. He’s a male version of Steph only he will probably win as a result of that and Steph will be hated. He’s a failed footballer (hence appearing on this crap and not turning out for transfer market fitness tests and £90billion pounds a week salary). He chats a lot of bollix about “fanny” and “nailing it” and claims to be a “back stabber”. I get on overwhelming sniff of disappointment. I imagine he’ll barely register on the obnoxious scale. Davina describes him in depth but I really cannot listen.
Another thinly drawn woman of zero potential zones into view. Sylvia is also a 21-year-old student. What a coverall the word “student” is. She escaped the war in Sierra Leone which gives her, at least, an exotic and interesting background. Sadly, she seems to have quickly and heartily adopted the British culture of head waggling, woman hating, image obsessed balderdash. I still quite like her, despite the nearly obscene dress and silly way of speaking.
I’m twiddling my thumbs at this point thinking, ‘what this show really needs is a gay.’ Thank goodness I don’t turn over to Question Time before Dennis, 23, glimmers onto the box proclaiming not to be a ‘label’. Please, Dennis. The word “stereotype” was invented for you. He’s camp, Scottish, has over plucked eyebrows, wears a silly hat and walks as if his hip bones have been replaced with jam and mashed potato. He’s an arse.
Michael or “Mikey” is helped in next. He is literally helped in on account of him being blind. I imagine his blindness goes some way to explaining the yellow poncho and unkempt head. He’s a bit like Roy Cropper on E. He cannot see the crowd jeer him but then, why would they? He has “I’m-disadvanted-a-bit-like-Pete-the-sweary-one-was-or-Nadia-who-was-once-a-man-was-so-I-must-win.” Everyone acts like he is weird. Which he is.
Alexandra, aged 23, is the substandard Charley clone, chatting sh1t about being a Leo and how ‘special’ she is. She’s certainly ‘special’ to me. Thankfully, she is not quite as dreadful as the Charley creature was but then, what is? She’s a non-practising Muslim so she can drink, have sex and eat pork. Aren’t we all non-practising Muslims, Catholics and Jews? I’d like to meet a non-practicing atheist. She had a baby at 16. The crowd chant “Who are you”. She’ll last until halfway.
My sweepstake housemate arrives now. Rex is a 24-year-old chef. He’s a show-off, a bad boy etc. People hate him. His dad was gay, he was kicked out of 409 schools and is “secretly shy”. Secretly shy people do not willingly wash their vulnerable gonads on live 24 hour TV for the world to see. I notice nothing else about him.
Mohamed is also a non-practising Muslim. He seems to have a perm. Either that or an Afro. He can rival Sylvia with his war-torn troubled background when he had to flee Somalia with his ma who was gun toted. He struggles to open the door. Great. I quite like him though. He has a sense of humour grounded in reality. What else could one ask for?
I’m flagging at this point. Surely there cannot be any more to come? I get a warm glowy flashback to series 1 and 2 and a sensible amount of folk. This flashback is wafted away when a gob-on-legs called Rebecca arrives. Her tongue seems too big for her mouth (no mean feat). She babbles a lot of tripe and flaps around to boos. Davina mentions that Rebecca’s one passion in life is Alan Hansen which perks me up. That doesn’t last. It’s actually the ‘band’ Hanson from 1994 she likes. There is truly nothing else to say.
On we go. Still. Darnell, 26 is next. He’s an albino. He a (very) white black man. I really don’t know where the racists and the PC Army will go with this. Why can’t things just be black and white eh? *Snigger* He was born in Ipswich, lived in the US and was deported or summat. He talks a bit of sense, which immediately alarms me. I can see him and Luke forming a clique of normality. Everyone calls him Daniel except Mario who thinks it is Danielle. Marvellous.
We are only on housemate 15. Brace yourself. Jennifer is a 22-year-old mother from Newcastle. Everyone says Cheryl Cole but she looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt and she’s The Gobby Cow of the series. She’s a pretty girl with those inevitable strong views. She’s also a “Catholic”. She does, however, wear a skirt that is skirt length which means, in the world of Big Brother, that this girl means business.
Finally, the Larger Than Life character goes in last (like last year. Remember Carole! Hello! Carole! Oh no). Kathreya is from Bangkok. She eats loudly on her VT so I know I will hate her. She’s “crazy” and “zany” – we know this from her pink bits of hair and drag queen shoes. The crowd go wild. She’ll be a mealy mouthed, bossy, fun sucking whingebag in a week. Mark my words.
Woo and hoo.
Impressed with this year's crop? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Friday 6 June 2008
Friday 5 October 2007
The Life and Times of Vivienne Vyle and The Peter Serafinowicz Show - 4th Oct 2007
The heavily trailed “Thursdays are funny” began with The Life and Times of Vivienne Vyle and Jennifer Saunders as Jeremy Kyle – a morally bankrupt talk show host who baits her violent guests whilst her scripted audience of morons and the unemployed cheer from the stands. Vivienne is herself assaulted (something we are still waiting to befall Jeremy Kyle) and Fern Britten is drafted in to a wonderful cameo. Vivienne has to re-asses her life with the help of her gay husband, her weak-minded therapist and her demented producer. What did work were the darker segments, the miserable nature of working for sensationalist TV – especially for the runners and the background staff. There were also some funny little side-stories – Miranda Richardson’s baby that can only speak Spanish after bonding too much with the nanny, Jennifer Saunder’s Vivienne, pushing 50, desperate for her dead husband’s baby. What doesn’t work is that the entire show is three or four years out of date. We’ve had Jerry Springer for years. Jeremy “human bear baiter” Kyle has become so ludicrous that he is a parody of himself. Fact! What can a comedy show such as this tell us about the nature of barrel scraping, ethically dubious talk shows that we don’t already know?
Following on from Vivienne Vyle was The Peter Serafinowicz Show – even more heavily trailed if that is at all possible. This was billed as a showcase for a “new comedy star” although Peter Serafinowicz has been around for years, acting, performing, and appearing on panel shows. Once again BBC2 seems hopelessly out of step. I was a little apprehensive I have to admit. How many more sketch shows can be thrown at us before we die of fun fatigue – Little Britain, Catherine Tate, Mitchell and Webb. The targets were somewhat obvious – personal injury claims, crap shopping channels, Cillit Bang, but they were largely amusing and thankfully they didn’t dwell on the sketches for too long or return to them too often. I hope to goodness they don’t make a reappearance all series as the thought of another catchphrase spawning show is making me quiver in fear.
Perhaps I am too much of a media obsessed bint to really appreciate the ironic and post-modern take on current TV that both Saunders and Serafinowicz have attempted – none of it is new, none of it is making a statement, or maybe I’m just too thick? The Clone House Big Brother with the interchangeable dull Scouse housemates is fine but I’ve seen it before, I’ve seen it on Google Groups and Digital Spy by mere posters and forumites, not experienced comedy performers. I’ve seen student reviews in the late 1990s doing piss-take skits on cheap plastic earrings that will rot your skin for only £39.99. I did enjoy Pirate Chat “talk to dirty pirates” and Sherlock Holmes who became amorous with Watson whenever he was close to cracking a case. Overall it was a decent thirty minutes and it’s a series I think is worth staying with, if only to ensure there are new sketches each week and no lazily reliance on catchphrases and comfortable characters.
Am I talking rubbish again? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Following on from Vivienne Vyle was The Peter Serafinowicz Show – even more heavily trailed if that is at all possible. This was billed as a showcase for a “new comedy star” although Peter Serafinowicz has been around for years, acting, performing, and appearing on panel shows. Once again BBC2 seems hopelessly out of step. I was a little apprehensive I have to admit. How many more sketch shows can be thrown at us before we die of fun fatigue – Little Britain, Catherine Tate, Mitchell and Webb. The targets were somewhat obvious – personal injury claims, crap shopping channels, Cillit Bang, but they were largely amusing and thankfully they didn’t dwell on the sketches for too long or return to them too often. I hope to goodness they don’t make a reappearance all series as the thought of another catchphrase spawning show is making me quiver in fear.
Perhaps I am too much of a media obsessed bint to really appreciate the ironic and post-modern take on current TV that both Saunders and Serafinowicz have attempted – none of it is new, none of it is making a statement, or maybe I’m just too thick? The Clone House Big Brother with the interchangeable dull Scouse housemates is fine but I’ve seen it before, I’ve seen it on Google Groups and Digital Spy by mere posters and forumites, not experienced comedy performers. I’ve seen student reviews in the late 1990s doing piss-take skits on cheap plastic earrings that will rot your skin for only £39.99. I did enjoy Pirate Chat “talk to dirty pirates” and Sherlock Holmes who became amorous with Watson whenever he was close to cracking a case. Overall it was a decent thirty minutes and it’s a series I think is worth staying with, if only to ensure there are new sketches each week and no lazily reliance on catchphrases and comfortable characters.
Am I talking rubbish again? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Wednesday 3 October 2007
Holby City - Tuesday 2nd October 2007
It’s been a long time since I watched Holby City. To be honest actually, I haven’t really been an avid or regular watcher, but dipped in very occasionally to see one consultant give birth whilst operating and another consultant suffer a heart attack as another bumped off his wife. Now, I know the NHS can be exciting (well, that is what I tell myself daily to quell the rush of rapidly diminishing brain cells) but please! Yes it is a drama, yes it cannot be entirely realistic but we all know that in reality consultants tend to wander around in patchwork jumpers, bow ties and sleeveless shirts three sizes too small for them – with an ingrained facial expression of disgust tinged with disappointment. We all know there are few female consultants, at least not ones who don’t spend their time yanking out wombs re-starting the heartbeats of early babies, but Holby can dispense with this. And does. Often.
Last night Abra, the “maverick” surgeon somehow managed to get Nick the “honest” surgeon on board to his illegal and deeply unethical ship-poor-kids-from-Africa-and-use-NHS-resources-to-mend-them-scheme. Only the kid they ended up with was a child soldier from Liberia who enjoyed torturing and killing opposing gang members. With him he brought Abra’s long-lost and unpleasant father, a sort of mercenary arms dealer with an exaggerated panto-style face. Somewhere entangled in this was an on-going and - let’s be frank - tedious battle between a po-faced wooden posh boy Registrar and a hard-faced, two-dimensional, old bag Registrar who accused him of stealing her ring – when it was stolen by an equally wooden ward sister out of revenge. I think they dealt with a patient at some point, but I cannot be certain.
Abra, with the standard conflicting emotions, mended the child, thought he had successfully concealed his father’s identity and was ready to move the scheme on only his hard-drinking nurse girlfriend, Kyla, had been listening to his father’s home truths and ended her shift by slapping him in the face. Posh boy doc gave the stolen ring to a dying man and hard faced doc sped off on her motorbike (a bitch needs a bike!) Holby City is not a show you can dip in and out of. It requires a bit of commitment so, in that respect, will never be quite as easy and everlasting as Casualty which has never let continuity be its guide. I can’t say I was gripped by the illegal surgery plot or the “who stole my ring” story, but I may well tune in next week, just to see if any other dimensions can be added.
Still love Holby? Want more stories about the ring? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Last night Abra, the “maverick” surgeon somehow managed to get Nick the “honest” surgeon on board to his illegal and deeply unethical ship-poor-kids-from-Africa-and-use-NHS-resources-to-mend-them-scheme. Only the kid they ended up with was a child soldier from Liberia who enjoyed torturing and killing opposing gang members. With him he brought Abra’s long-lost and unpleasant father, a sort of mercenary arms dealer with an exaggerated panto-style face. Somewhere entangled in this was an on-going and - let’s be frank - tedious battle between a po-faced wooden posh boy Registrar and a hard-faced, two-dimensional, old bag Registrar who accused him of stealing her ring – when it was stolen by an equally wooden ward sister out of revenge. I think they dealt with a patient at some point, but I cannot be certain.
Abra, with the standard conflicting emotions, mended the child, thought he had successfully concealed his father’s identity and was ready to move the scheme on only his hard-drinking nurse girlfriend, Kyla, had been listening to his father’s home truths and ended her shift by slapping him in the face. Posh boy doc gave the stolen ring to a dying man and hard faced doc sped off on her motorbike (a bitch needs a bike!) Holby City is not a show you can dip in and out of. It requires a bit of commitment so, in that respect, will never be quite as easy and everlasting as Casualty which has never let continuity be its guide. I can’t say I was gripped by the illegal surgery plot or the “who stole my ring” story, but I may well tune in next week, just to see if any other dimensions can be added.
Still love Holby? Want more stories about the ring? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Wednesday 4 July 2007
Big Brother 8: Day 35 - 3rd July 2007
In the early hours, Jonathan leaves the Big Brother house because his grandmother has died. Sam and Nicky are upset. Charley is angry she has been upstaged and kicks off. Again. You could almost set your watch by her. It matters not her Sin task is not to argue…she digs at Chanelle and Brian about being adopted, sending Chanelle out of the room and prompting Charley to launch into a poisonous diatribe and vitriolic impression session – with Laura, the giant monkey, laughing with the demonic organ grinder.
Brian is so incensed he has to march around the garden to calm himself. Ziggy does his relationship no favours by staying up all night with Charley to counsel her alongside Liam. Charley then decides to spill the beans to Liam about Nicky’s feelings, not a good idea now that Nicky has decided to back off. By 6am everyone goes to bed. Laura sports an unevenly spread orange tan face and a fake limp – hoping she won’t have to do her “six miles” for her Sin task.
Liam worries what lust will entail. He can’t worry too long because Carole runs around rationing the bread and telling everyone they cannot have toast. Liam was right to worry; he is made to dress up as a member of the village people again. His lust task is to look a tw*t basically.
As the bread argument goes on, Charley is accused of stirring which she vehemently denies. As if Charley would stir! I mean! Honestly! She poisons Ziggy further against Chanelle and to his shame he begins to question himself. Nicky is sent to the Room of Nicky, surrounded by pictures of herself. She must wear green and a jacket of herself…and learn some “self containment” but she looks uncomfortable
Outside Charley goes off again – this time calling Gerry boring (okay, she is right this once) as a camp Liam tries to break into the caravan and an annoyed Amanda is dragged from the shower by Carole who thinks she has been “too long” washing. Ziggy goes back up in my estimation when he goes to Chanelle and tells her what Laura and Charley have said…suddenly Laura is lost for words. “I never said it!” She cries.
Charley then argues with Laura, Laura argues with Chanelle, Chanelle argues with Ziggy. Argh! Shut up. Everyone! Shut up! Gerry, complete with a green face pack, tries to bring some calm – but as usual, no one listens. Chanelle is angry, “You can go sleep with ‘er!” She screams, pointing at Charley. Nicky claims she doesn’t want to get involved, whilst getting involved.
A bizarre scene follows here Laura rants to Liam, dressed as a scary gay biker, Gerry, a green alien, and Amanda, a giant hotdog. Liam deflates Laura, not willing to listen to her wittering. Charley isn’t finished in her campaign to split Ziggy and Chanelle and when Ziggy goes to the diary room she moves in on Chanelle, telling her not to trust her man.
Laura’s task is to walk a mini marathon whilst wearing piggy slippers. She somehow passes and the group wait to see if they all passed. In the meantime Chanelle and Laura discover they are to face the public vote which only makes Charley squeal with delight…let’s see how she squeals when her lackey Laura is booted out to boos.
When the task results are announced everyone but Charley has passed. The group are not happy; especially when Charley finds it amusing she has spoiled the party plans. All hell breaks loose again. First she shouts at Ziggy with Laura giggling on. Amusingly Ziggy tells Laura “find your own personality.” Liam is annoyed that Charley has spoiled the mood and another row kicks off.
Its tedium personified for a while until Big Brother intervenes and Charley is sent to the Sin Bin whilst everyone else gets a party – a PVC party. This leads to some of the most disturbing things I have ever seen – namely Brian as a giant condom and Tracey pushing her hands between his legs! And the twins rubbing each other in chocolate. And Nicky rubbing Ziggy. And worse – Ziggy rubbing Carole.
Yet – gross though it was, it was like heaven compared to another Charley “I’m just being honest” whine.
Like PVC? Want to slap Charley? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Brian is so incensed he has to march around the garden to calm himself. Ziggy does his relationship no favours by staying up all night with Charley to counsel her alongside Liam. Charley then decides to spill the beans to Liam about Nicky’s feelings, not a good idea now that Nicky has decided to back off. By 6am everyone goes to bed. Laura sports an unevenly spread orange tan face and a fake limp – hoping she won’t have to do her “six miles” for her Sin task.
Liam worries what lust will entail. He can’t worry too long because Carole runs around rationing the bread and telling everyone they cannot have toast. Liam was right to worry; he is made to dress up as a member of the village people again. His lust task is to look a tw*t basically.
As the bread argument goes on, Charley is accused of stirring which she vehemently denies. As if Charley would stir! I mean! Honestly! She poisons Ziggy further against Chanelle and to his shame he begins to question himself. Nicky is sent to the Room of Nicky, surrounded by pictures of herself. She must wear green and a jacket of herself…and learn some “self containment” but she looks uncomfortable
Outside Charley goes off again – this time calling Gerry boring (okay, she is right this once) as a camp Liam tries to break into the caravan and an annoyed Amanda is dragged from the shower by Carole who thinks she has been “too long” washing. Ziggy goes back up in my estimation when he goes to Chanelle and tells her what Laura and Charley have said…suddenly Laura is lost for words. “I never said it!” She cries.
Charley then argues with Laura, Laura argues with Chanelle, Chanelle argues with Ziggy. Argh! Shut up. Everyone! Shut up! Gerry, complete with a green face pack, tries to bring some calm – but as usual, no one listens. Chanelle is angry, “You can go sleep with ‘er!” She screams, pointing at Charley. Nicky claims she doesn’t want to get involved, whilst getting involved.
A bizarre scene follows here Laura rants to Liam, dressed as a scary gay biker, Gerry, a green alien, and Amanda, a giant hotdog. Liam deflates Laura, not willing to listen to her wittering. Charley isn’t finished in her campaign to split Ziggy and Chanelle and when Ziggy goes to the diary room she moves in on Chanelle, telling her not to trust her man.
Laura’s task is to walk a mini marathon whilst wearing piggy slippers. She somehow passes and the group wait to see if they all passed. In the meantime Chanelle and Laura discover they are to face the public vote which only makes Charley squeal with delight…let’s see how she squeals when her lackey Laura is booted out to boos.
When the task results are announced everyone but Charley has passed. The group are not happy; especially when Charley finds it amusing she has spoiled the party plans. All hell breaks loose again. First she shouts at Ziggy with Laura giggling on. Amusingly Ziggy tells Laura “find your own personality.” Liam is annoyed that Charley has spoiled the mood and another row kicks off.
Its tedium personified for a while until Big Brother intervenes and Charley is sent to the Sin Bin whilst everyone else gets a party – a PVC party. This leads to some of the most disturbing things I have ever seen – namely Brian as a giant condom and Tracey pushing her hands between his legs! And the twins rubbing each other in chocolate. And Nicky rubbing Ziggy. And worse – Ziggy rubbing Carole.
Yet – gross though it was, it was like heaven compared to another Charley “I’m just being honest” whine.
Like PVC? Want to slap Charley? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Friday 29 June 2007
Big Brother 8: Day 30 - 28th June 2007
Jonathan who really wants to go, yes he really wants to leave. He wants to go you know? Yes, that’s right – leave, he wants to leave. Well, by 10.30am after he has said he wants to leave – go, you know, leave, is still sleeping. Blimey, even Blair didn’t take this long to exit. Chanelle and Ziggy sleep on the sofas, Chanelle sick and Ziggy wanting to leave as well. When Jonathan wakes up, he (shock horror) is having second thoughts. “You still here then?” Tracey grumbles when she sees him. Good old Trace – that rudeness in her they don’t like is what makes her better to watch than Jonathan and his contrived ‘I’ve made up my mind’ bollox.
They are all allowed to sing for their breakfast…and they are all awful Why am I reminded of the Eurovision episode of 'Father Ted' with the 'My lovely horse' song? Only it isn’t even as good as that. Yet, somehow and inevitably, they pass.
They receive a little hamper with bread, oranges and sausage from the Diary Room. Laura quickly snaffles the sausage as everyone else perks up at the carbohydrates on offer. Finally, after Billi whines on like an injured dog, Jonathan packs his bags and says goodbye. Nicky and Brian dance by the bath and even manage to elicit a smile from Carole Fun-Sucker. Jonathan then returns from the diary room to announce he will stay. What an absolute prat he is. Either stay or go, don’t mumble on about it! Tosser!
Laura straddles Liam to give him a massage which is a shock since a) she doesn’t crush him and b) he quite likes it. Jonathan reminds Nicky and Brian they are being watched by “eight million people” (more like half that Jon) but tells them they will have fans. “Charley will have fans too,” he says. “About 11 of them”
The youngsters bar Laura (because it involved movement) play around in the pool, as Ziggy and Chanelle snuggle somewhere. When it gets too cold Nicky and Liam return to the shower for…well, a lot of “harmless” rubbing, touching and wrestling. If that is Liam giving someone the brush off, he can give me the brush off any time he likes! In the garden later Liam discusses his ‘mental block’ when it comes to relationships with a (far too) philosophical Gerry who simply just wants some “cock”.
In the evening, as Carole and Laura cook hearts and kidneys provided by Big Brother (cue – more Chanelle vomiting) Brian is still perplexed by number twos. “I don't think women do proper poo” he says. “Next time I do a proper poo I'll proper show you” Tracey tells him. “It’s like the culture show”. Says Jonathan, immediately regretting his decision to stay.
Brian and Nicky decide to have fun and dance in the garden most of the evening, only it is more like a kind of bizarre giggling than dancing. Nicky tries to teach Brian cartwheels but he ends up falling over a balloon and then talking about his “boners” and how everything is ‘mentawl’. Billi snakes around with Charley, plotting something…Sam breaks a jug, Amanda laughs but it sends Carole mad. “The jug!” she cries – the jug has replaced the towel in Carole’s affections.
Fancy throwing jugs at Carole? Wants a shower with Liam? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
They are all allowed to sing for their breakfast…and they are all awful Why am I reminded of the Eurovision episode of 'Father Ted' with the 'My lovely horse' song? Only it isn’t even as good as that. Yet, somehow and inevitably, they pass.
They receive a little hamper with bread, oranges and sausage from the Diary Room. Laura quickly snaffles the sausage as everyone else perks up at the carbohydrates on offer. Finally, after Billi whines on like an injured dog, Jonathan packs his bags and says goodbye. Nicky and Brian dance by the bath and even manage to elicit a smile from Carole Fun-Sucker. Jonathan then returns from the diary room to announce he will stay. What an absolute prat he is. Either stay or go, don’t mumble on about it! Tosser!
Laura straddles Liam to give him a massage which is a shock since a) she doesn’t crush him and b) he quite likes it. Jonathan reminds Nicky and Brian they are being watched by “eight million people” (more like half that Jon) but tells them they will have fans. “Charley will have fans too,” he says. “About 11 of them”
The youngsters bar Laura (because it involved movement) play around in the pool, as Ziggy and Chanelle snuggle somewhere. When it gets too cold Nicky and Liam return to the shower for…well, a lot of “harmless” rubbing, touching and wrestling. If that is Liam giving someone the brush off, he can give me the brush off any time he likes! In the garden later Liam discusses his ‘mental block’ when it comes to relationships with a (far too) philosophical Gerry who simply just wants some “cock”.
In the evening, as Carole and Laura cook hearts and kidneys provided by Big Brother (cue – more Chanelle vomiting) Brian is still perplexed by number twos. “I don't think women do proper poo” he says. “Next time I do a proper poo I'll proper show you” Tracey tells him. “It’s like the culture show”. Says Jonathan, immediately regretting his decision to stay.
Brian and Nicky decide to have fun and dance in the garden most of the evening, only it is more like a kind of bizarre giggling than dancing. Nicky tries to teach Brian cartwheels but he ends up falling over a balloon and then talking about his “boners” and how everything is ‘mentawl’. Billi snakes around with Charley, plotting something…Sam breaks a jug, Amanda laughs but it sends Carole mad. “The jug!” she cries – the jug has replaced the towel in Carole’s affections.
Fancy throwing jugs at Carole? Wants a shower with Liam? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Thursday 28 June 2007
Big Brother 8: Day 29 - 27th June 2007
Jonathan wakes and pads around the bathroom, his moobs on shuddering display. An alarm wakes the housemates, who now fearful of another bowl of slop. Brian moans. “They are annihilating us” he says. Jonathan grumps on about not wanting anything, not even a task. Leave then mate, feel free. Jonathan discusses Charley; "everyone is talking about her inside the house and everyone is talking about her outside it, so its working for her!”
Ziggy hates Charley, he has decided that she is simply nasty. Jonathan disagrees, “she has talent” he says. Excuse me? If talent is wearing crotch crippling hot pants and shouting expletives ten to the dozen then yes, she sure has talent. I expect her to display it in front of Cowell, Holden and Morgan on the next series of that God awful ITV1 “talent” show. Ziggy gets up and walks away in disgust. Another rift?
Their slop is delivered along with a vitamin pill. Laura and Tracey pretend it tastes much better but Brian, Charley and Nicky still retch as they struggle with their tiny mouthfuls. Everyone else manages surprisingly well.
Later Nicky and Liam help Brian wash the skid marks out of his pants. Dear. Lord. How shall I recover? Outside the twins try and drown Ziggy in the pool as Carole pontificates about how the “game is fixed” in favour of Charley. Nothing to do with you being up for eviction then, eh Carole? Jonathan, the Endemol insider, rubs his hands with glee. Makes sense I suppose for Endemol to put one of their own in…no more Emily style n*gger slip-ups.
After their millionth blazing row, Charley and Billi are sent to a “Happy Room” where they get champagne and strawberries to help them calm down. Ziggy is apoplectic (he’s also more coherent when angry, have you noticed?) and tries to get into the Diary Room but BB won’t let him in. Carole starts cleaning in frenzy, twittering about BB favouring Charley over and over like a manic Duracell bunny left out in the rain for too long.
By evening, Jonathan announces he has talked to Big Brother and he has asked to leave. There are some tears and a few shrugs. Brian gets stressed and walks up and down repetitively to calm himself down. Everyone pretends to be sorry that Jonathan is leaving, shedding “crocodile tears” as Gerry calls them. Carole is gutted and snipes that it must be Nicky’s fault (of course. I hold Nicky responsible for my badly behaved dog and my mounting debts, the existence of Peaches Geldof, the recent heavy rain, house prices rises and the war in Iraq.)
At midnight twins are set a psychic test, but are pretty terrible – yet they some how pass. “I drawed an apple and she drawed a pineapple” they laugh when they manage to draw one image correctly through being ‘psychic’. “We are psychopathic” Amanda says. I always thought so. They choose Chanelle and Liam to celebrate with them but Chanelle is already feeling sick, Nicky goes instead but the cakes will not be made of icing sugar.
Gerry in protest covers his head in the slop. He threatens to put it on his genitals but says there isn’t enough. Billi and Charley won’t eat – Charley is forced to eat it in the Diary Room – que: a mighty strop for the highlights. Billi angrily bangs on the diary room door to protest again about Charley’s ‘preferential treatment’
The twins are appalled when they find their cake is filled with slop. Liam is happy enough that one of the cakes has corned beef. “I like corned beef” he laughs. Nicky takes it well, although she manages to swear some crudeness to Big Brother first. Sam and Liam bond over their mutual dislike of Carole and her attitude.
Back in the bedroom Charley, on a loop of irritancy, maintains she will leave in the morning if she has to eat slop again. Here is your chance BB, more slop for Charley and she can bugger off home.
Want a corned beef cake? Think Carole is a bit mental? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Ziggy hates Charley, he has decided that she is simply nasty. Jonathan disagrees, “she has talent” he says. Excuse me? If talent is wearing crotch crippling hot pants and shouting expletives ten to the dozen then yes, she sure has talent. I expect her to display it in front of Cowell, Holden and Morgan on the next series of that God awful ITV1 “talent” show. Ziggy gets up and walks away in disgust. Another rift?
Their slop is delivered along with a vitamin pill. Laura and Tracey pretend it tastes much better but Brian, Charley and Nicky still retch as they struggle with their tiny mouthfuls. Everyone else manages surprisingly well.
Later Nicky and Liam help Brian wash the skid marks out of his pants. Dear. Lord. How shall I recover? Outside the twins try and drown Ziggy in the pool as Carole pontificates about how the “game is fixed” in favour of Charley. Nothing to do with you being up for eviction then, eh Carole? Jonathan, the Endemol insider, rubs his hands with glee. Makes sense I suppose for Endemol to put one of their own in…no more Emily style n*gger slip-ups.
After their millionth blazing row, Charley and Billi are sent to a “Happy Room” where they get champagne and strawberries to help them calm down. Ziggy is apoplectic (he’s also more coherent when angry, have you noticed?) and tries to get into the Diary Room but BB won’t let him in. Carole starts cleaning in frenzy, twittering about BB favouring Charley over and over like a manic Duracell bunny left out in the rain for too long.
By evening, Jonathan announces he has talked to Big Brother and he has asked to leave. There are some tears and a few shrugs. Brian gets stressed and walks up and down repetitively to calm himself down. Everyone pretends to be sorry that Jonathan is leaving, shedding “crocodile tears” as Gerry calls them. Carole is gutted and snipes that it must be Nicky’s fault (of course. I hold Nicky responsible for my badly behaved dog and my mounting debts, the existence of Peaches Geldof, the recent heavy rain, house prices rises and the war in Iraq.)
At midnight twins are set a psychic test, but are pretty terrible – yet they some how pass. “I drawed an apple and she drawed a pineapple” they laugh when they manage to draw one image correctly through being ‘psychic’. “We are psychopathic” Amanda says. I always thought so. They choose Chanelle and Liam to celebrate with them but Chanelle is already feeling sick, Nicky goes instead but the cakes will not be made of icing sugar.
Gerry in protest covers his head in the slop. He threatens to put it on his genitals but says there isn’t enough. Billi and Charley won’t eat – Charley is forced to eat it in the Diary Room – que: a mighty strop for the highlights. Billi angrily bangs on the diary room door to protest again about Charley’s ‘preferential treatment’
The twins are appalled when they find their cake is filled with slop. Liam is happy enough that one of the cakes has corned beef. “I like corned beef” he laughs. Nicky takes it well, although she manages to swear some crudeness to Big Brother first. Sam and Liam bond over their mutual dislike of Carole and her attitude.
Back in the bedroom Charley, on a loop of irritancy, maintains she will leave in the morning if she has to eat slop again. Here is your chance BB, more slop for Charley and she can bugger off home.
Want a corned beef cake? Think Carole is a bit mental? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
Wednesday 27 June 2007
Big Brother 8: Day 28 - 26th June 2007
The morning after the failed sleep task Ziggy, Jonathan and Carole gather for their daily old granny bitch session. Apparently it is all Nicky’s fault that they failed. Oh, of course…a task where you have to stay awake for 60 hours is clearly failed by the only person who managed to, and was willing to stay awake! Ziggy is a prize prat. He’s been beaten by Amanda at swimming and Nicky at sleeping – women keep beating him and he can’t stand it. Although Charely is wearing him down into a shadow of his former self and Carole – Ziggy, step away from Carole – she is a Dementor, she is sucking out your soul.
As punishment Big Brother takes back all the food in the house, but a mini revolt ensues when Laura tells everyone to eat and eat it all and fast. The first casualty of food war is Brian - "I bib my tongue..." he cries whilst chomping on chocolate. Laura is determined not to hand back the food "we worked hard on the task, its not our fault others couldn’t physically do it" she says. Yes. Seriously. The same Laura who would have eaten her own kidney rather than stay awake for more than an hour.
Liam returns some of the food to the storeroom – realising further punishment will follow if he doesn’t. He’s a canny lad that Liam, I think he will do well. Jonathan is distressed thinking that the public will see it as them whinging about things they are contracted to do – well I do!
Carole sits on the bed with boxes of meat pies by her side – looking like Les Dawson in drag, pushing up her bosom and staring wistfully at her trophies, Jonathan at her side - her Roy Barraclough. But Liam presses on, clearly he has won his second 100k today, as he clears the fridge.
The food is finally returned and everyone – even (shock) Sam, has the hump.
Someone dares to touch Carole’s towel again – and hell fire it was Nicky. Carole is off on one like a demented Hagrid but with an even bushier beard. “It’s not private poperty” Ziggy chimes in, finally exhausted by Carole's incessant whining. “She didn’t do it on purpose” Liam says. Bad move boys – two men defending Nicky to woman hater Carole? She will blow into a million pieces shortly, mark my words.
The housemates have to weigh and measure tehmselves. Chanelle is 5 foot 5 and a “shocking” 8 stone 3 (up from 7 stone 10 ) and not impressed. She suspects BB wants to weigh them to give them low calorie meals after failing the task. She is right. Brian is a huge 6 foot 6. Laura is 5 foot 3 and 12 stone 2 and reckons she has lost some (how? Did she slice a leg off when no one was looking?) Liam is 6 foot 2 and has lost a stone is now 15 stone 12! Nicky is only 4 foot 11 and 8 stone. Charley is 7 stone 11 and 5 foot 6 – dangerously underweight.
When the nomination results are announced later in the evening all hell breaks loose because Billi and Charley’s votes don’t count, freeing Nicky and Charely from the public vote.
Chanelle is so shocked that Charley is not up she cannot help but make an innocent-ish comment so Charley kicks off and Ziggy gets all over protective…making Charley blow up even more…everyone gets flamed…Carole, Billi, the twins, Jonathan and Gerry. Nicky is devastated that she was nearly up. “I thought they were my friends” she whimpers. No Nicky – trust no one! This is Big Brother, no one likes you.
Billi drips more poison. “She’ll be hated” he screams of Charely. “Who else could have nominated me, I can only think of two.” Shut up slimeball, try eight! Eugh. Miserable Carole miserys on but I switch off when she shows up, much like I do when Gerry talks.
After being force to eat nutritional slop for failing the task, the twins are not allowed a party so create their own pink party with no tunes, booze or fun (lets be honest – it’s more like “humouring” the kids than fun) Charley and Nicky stay away – Charley getting ready, and shunned for being a bitch, and Nicky poisoned by the slop and depressed. Laura lays down with them – exhausted at the non musical chairs game she just lost. Tracey joins them after banging her bottom on the chair.
In the bathroom a sexually frustrated Gerry asks the lads if they fancy a 'homosexual orgy'. They all decline. “I'll be gentle” Gerry says. “I don't think you could possibly be gentle enough.” Liam nods.
Wish Charley could stay forever? Like a bowl of slop first thing? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
As punishment Big Brother takes back all the food in the house, but a mini revolt ensues when Laura tells everyone to eat and eat it all and fast. The first casualty of food war is Brian - "I bib my tongue..." he cries whilst chomping on chocolate. Laura is determined not to hand back the food "we worked hard on the task, its not our fault others couldn’t physically do it" she says. Yes. Seriously. The same Laura who would have eaten her own kidney rather than stay awake for more than an hour.
Liam returns some of the food to the storeroom – realising further punishment will follow if he doesn’t. He’s a canny lad that Liam, I think he will do well. Jonathan is distressed thinking that the public will see it as them whinging about things they are contracted to do – well I do!
Carole sits on the bed with boxes of meat pies by her side – looking like Les Dawson in drag, pushing up her bosom and staring wistfully at her trophies, Jonathan at her side - her Roy Barraclough. But Liam presses on, clearly he has won his second 100k today, as he clears the fridge.
The food is finally returned and everyone – even (shock) Sam, has the hump.
Someone dares to touch Carole’s towel again – and hell fire it was Nicky. Carole is off on one like a demented Hagrid but with an even bushier beard. “It’s not private poperty” Ziggy chimes in, finally exhausted by Carole's incessant whining. “She didn’t do it on purpose” Liam says. Bad move boys – two men defending Nicky to woman hater Carole? She will blow into a million pieces shortly, mark my words.
The housemates have to weigh and measure tehmselves. Chanelle is 5 foot 5 and a “shocking” 8 stone 3 (up from 7 stone 10 ) and not impressed. She suspects BB wants to weigh them to give them low calorie meals after failing the task. She is right. Brian is a huge 6 foot 6. Laura is 5 foot 3 and 12 stone 2 and reckons she has lost some (how? Did she slice a leg off when no one was looking?) Liam is 6 foot 2 and has lost a stone is now 15 stone 12! Nicky is only 4 foot 11 and 8 stone. Charley is 7 stone 11 and 5 foot 6 – dangerously underweight.
When the nomination results are announced later in the evening all hell breaks loose because Billi and Charley’s votes don’t count, freeing Nicky and Charely from the public vote.
Chanelle is so shocked that Charley is not up she cannot help but make an innocent-ish comment so Charley kicks off and Ziggy gets all over protective…making Charley blow up even more…everyone gets flamed…Carole, Billi, the twins, Jonathan and Gerry. Nicky is devastated that she was nearly up. “I thought they were my friends” she whimpers. No Nicky – trust no one! This is Big Brother, no one likes you.
Billi drips more poison. “She’ll be hated” he screams of Charely. “Who else could have nominated me, I can only think of two.” Shut up slimeball, try eight! Eugh. Miserable Carole miserys on but I switch off when she shows up, much like I do when Gerry talks.
After being force to eat nutritional slop for failing the task, the twins are not allowed a party so create their own pink party with no tunes, booze or fun (lets be honest – it’s more like “humouring” the kids than fun) Charley and Nicky stay away – Charley getting ready, and shunned for being a bitch, and Nicky poisoned by the slop and depressed. Laura lays down with them – exhausted at the non musical chairs game she just lost. Tracey joins them after banging her bottom on the chair.
In the bathroom a sexually frustrated Gerry asks the lads if they fancy a 'homosexual orgy'. They all decline. “I'll be gentle” Gerry says. “I don't think you could possibly be gentle enough.” Liam nods.
Wish Charley could stay forever? Like a bowl of slop first thing? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk
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