The TV Blog by HJ

Big Brother 9: 5th June 2008

2008-06-06T02:51:00.000-07:00

Oh dear. If only I had opened a book on how long my viewing would last (couldn’t generate the interest). The appallingness of Charley, Ziggy, Liam and t’other bint is still fresh in my mind – it drove me away from BB just six weeks or so in last time. I naturally despise myself for watching this **** but there is something vaguely community like about BB. A rancid, deeply unhappy community, but a community none the less.

So, opening night. Davina looked polished – shiny hair, screeched threats of a “tough Big Brother” (yeah, sure). There is 93 days. 93 days! Goodness, I’m crying here. So there is a prison and solitary confinement – that is until one of the dull retard ‘chosen ones’ with a gob like an erupted volcano who commands “viewer pull” breaks a rule and gets no punishment – sending me over the edge. Again. There’s a nice room and a crap room – a bit like series 3 only, hopefully, without a reincarnation of Jade.
There’s a bathroom open for everyone to see, as though this is some kind of off putting shock to the housemates – shameless, soulless toss bags with seriously defective brains and more confidence than a room full of Premier League footballers.

The fist two housemates are a couple (of twerps). Mario (real name: Sean) aged 42 and Lisa, aged 40. They tell us how “extrovert” they are. They tell us three times. Yes, we get it. He looks like a pug dog that’s been stretched to at least 4 feet 11. She looks like the lower rent Sindie doll from the 1980s that’s been left too close to the iron. She’s thin, he wants her thinner. She plays dim, he plays prick. They are good at their chosen roles.

Next is Luke, a 20-year-old student channelling Ashley Peacock and nine-year-old girl. He’s so comical he could have been animated by drama students. I quite like him. I even like his exaggerated arms gesticulations. I like the fact that it is almost certain he’ll break down into an unravelling, snivelling, disturbing mess in the next 10 days. He even admits he’s a crap shag. Ah, sweet honesty. How refreshing. He even has opinions. Opinions on real subjects. *Fans self* I’m aghast.

4th in and all the good work I thought BB had done with Luke is immediately undone by Stephanie, aged 19. She’s The Bint of the series, clearly. We are subjected to “I’m hot” “I’m great” “I’m a total tw*t with no self awareness” etc. I doze off. I’m counting down the seconds until she makes some hilarious ‘thick’ comment about the location of Aberdeen. She is booed, quite rightly. She dresses in gaffer tape and shows the crowd her Fairy Cave as she totters up the stairs. Classy.

A seemingly pointless secret mission is given to the four. Mario must pretend to be dating Steph and Lisa has to pretend she doesn’t know Mario. Now, if I were Lisa I’d see this as a blessing. Instead she scowls. This is yet another ruse to MESS WITH NOMINATIONS because if the mission fails the four face the public vote. Bye bye Steph. Please just let the housemates nominate and do not mess with the result. Yes?

Rachel, a 24 year old trainee teacher, bounders in next. She’s knowingly annoying and talks a lot. She talks crap a lot. She used to be a size 16 but is now a size 8. She has a skinny top half and a fat backside. Thus, she is “curvy”. She describes herself as a “catholic” which I believe. Or, at least, I believe it until the inevitable spin-the-bottle, girl-on-girl tedium crops up one midnight on E4.

Dale next. He’s 21 and a ‘student’. He’s a total div. He’s a male version of Steph only he will probably win as a result of that and Steph will be hated. He’s a failed footballer (hence appearing on this crap and not turning out for transfer market fitness tests and £90billion pounds a week salary). He chats a lot of bollix about “fanny” and “nailing it” and claims to be a “back stabber”. I get on overwhelming sniff of disappointment. I imagine he’ll barely register on the obnoxious scale. Davina describes him in depth but I really cannot listen.

Another thinly drawn woman of zero potential zones into view. Sylvia is also a 21-year-old student. What a coverall the word “student” is. She escaped the war in Sierra Leone which gives her, at least, an exotic and interesting background. Sadly, she seems to have quickly and heartily adopted the British culture of head waggling, woman hating, image obsessed balderdash. I still quite like her, despite the nearly obscene dress and silly way of speaking.

I’m twiddling my thumbs at this point thinking, ‘what this show really needs is a gay.’ Thank goodness I don’t turn over to Question Time before Dennis, 23, glimmers onto the box proclaiming not to be a ‘label’. Please, Dennis. The word “stereotype” was invented for you. He’s camp, Scottish, has over plucked eyebrows, wears a silly hat and walks as if his hip bones have been replaced with jam and mashed potato. He’s an arse.

Michael or “Mikey” is helped in next. He is literally helped in on account of him being blind. I imagine his blindness goes some way to explaining the yellow poncho and unkempt head. He’s a bit like Roy Cropper on E. He cannot see the crowd jeer him but then, why would they? He has “I’m-disadvanted-a-bit-like-Pete-the-sweary-one-was-or-Nadia-who-was-once-a-man-was-so-I-must-win.” Everyone acts like he is weird. Which he is.

Alexandra, aged 23, is the substandard Charley clone, chatting sh1t about being a Leo and how ‘special’ she is. She’s certainly ‘special’ to me. Thankfully, she is not quite as dreadful as the Charley creature was but then, what is? She’s a non-practising Muslim so she can drink, have sex and eat pork. Aren’t we all non-practising Muslims, Catholics and Jews? I’d like to meet a non-practicing atheist. She had a baby at 16. The crowd chant “Who are you”. She’ll last until halfway.

My sweepstake housemate arrives now. Rex is a 24-year-old chef. He’s a show-off, a bad boy etc. People hate him. His dad was gay, he was kicked out of 409 schools and is “secretly shy”. Secretly shy people do not willingly wash their vulnerable gonads on live 24 hour TV for the world to see. I notice nothing else about him.

Mohamed is also a non-practising Muslim. He seems to have a perm. Either that or an Afro. He can rival Sylvia with his war-torn troubled background when he had to flee Somalia with his ma who was gun toted. He struggles to open the door. Great. I quite like him though. He has a sense of humour grounded in reality. What else could one ask for?

I’m flagging at this point. Surely there cannot be any more to come? I get a warm glowy flashback to series 1 and 2 and a sensible amount of folk. This flashback is wafted away when a gob-on-legs called Rebecca arrives. Her tongue seems too big for her mouth (no mean feat). She babbles a lot of tripe and flaps around to boos. Davina mentions that Rebecca’s one passion in life is Alan Hansen which perks me up. That doesn’t last. It’s actually the ‘band’ Hanson from 1994 she likes. There is truly nothing else to say.

On we go. Still. Darnell, 26 is next. He’s an albino. He a (very) white black man. I really don’t know where the racists and the PC Army will go with this. Why can’t things just be black and white eh? *Snigger* He was born in Ipswich, lived in the US and was deported or summat. He talks a bit of sense, which immediately alarms me. I can see him and Luke forming a clique of normality. Everyone calls him Daniel except Mario who thinks it is Danielle. Marvellous.

We are only on housemate 15. Brace yourself. Jennifer is a 22-year-old mother from Newcastle. Everyone says Cheryl Cole but she looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt and she’s The Gobby Cow of the series. She’s a pretty girl with those inevitable strong views. She’s also a “Catholic”. She does, however, wear a skirt that is skirt length which means, in the world of Big Brother, that this girl means business.

Finally, the Larger Than Life character goes in last (like last year. Remember Carole! Hello! Carole! Oh no). Kathreya is from Bangkok. She eats loudly on her VT so I know I will hate her. She’s “crazy” and “zany” – we know this from her pink bits of hair and drag queen shoes. The crowd go wild. She’ll be a mealy mouthed, bossy, fun sucking whingebag in a week. Mark my words.

Woo and hoo.

Impressed with this year's crop? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

The Life and Times of Vivienne Vyle and The Peter Serafinowicz Show - 4th Oct 2007

2007-10-05T01:23:00.000-07:00

The heavily trailed “Thursdays are funny” began with The Life and Times of Vivienne Vyle and Jennifer Saunders as Jeremy Kyle – a morally bankrupt talk show host who baits her violent guests whilst her scripted audience of morons and the unemployed cheer from the stands. Vivienne is herself assaulted (something we are still waiting to befall Jeremy Kyle) and Fern Britten is drafted in to a wonderful cameo. Vivienne has to re-asses her life with the help of her gay husband, her weak-minded therapist and her demented producer. What did work were the darker segments, the miserable nature of working for sensationalist TV – especially for the runners and the background staff. There were also some funny little side-stories – Miranda Richardson’s baby that can only speak Spanish after bonding too much with the nanny, Jennifer Saunder’s Vivienne, pushing 50, desperate for her dead husband’s baby. What doesn’t work is that the entire show is three or four years out of date. We’ve had Jerry Springer for years. Jeremy “human bear baiter” Kyle has become so ludicrous that he is a parody of himself. Fact! What can a comedy show such as this tell us about the nature of barrel scraping, ethically dubious talk shows that we don’t already know?

Following on from Vivienne Vyle was The Peter Serafinowicz Show – even more heavily trailed if that is at all possible. This was billed as a showcase for a “new comedy star” although Peter Serafinowicz has been around for years, acting, performing, and appearing on panel shows. Once again BBC2 seems hopelessly out of step. I was a little apprehensive I have to admit. How many more sketch shows can be thrown at us before we die of fun fatigue – Little Britain, Catherine Tate, Mitchell and Webb. The targets were somewhat obvious – personal injury claims, crap shopping channels, Cillit Bang, but they were largely amusing and thankfully they didn’t dwell on the sketches for too long or return to them too often. I hope to goodness they don’t make a reappearance all series as the thought of another catchphrase spawning show is making me quiver in fear.
Perhaps I am too much of a media obsessed bint to really appreciate the ironic and post-modern take on current TV that both Saunders and Serafinowicz have attempted – none of it is new, none of it is making a statement, or maybe I’m just too thick? The Clone House Big Brother with the interchangeable dull Scouse housemates is fine but I’ve seen it before, I’ve seen it on Google Groups and Digital Spy by mere posters and forumites, not experienced comedy performers. I’ve seen student reviews in the late 1990s doing piss-take skits on cheap plastic earrings that will rot your skin for only £39.99. I did enjoy Pirate Chat “talk to dirty pirates” and Sherlock Holmes who became amorous with Watson whenever he was close to cracking a case. Overall it was a decent thirty minutes and it’s a series I think is worth staying with, if only to ensure there are new sketches each week and no lazily reliance on catchphrases and comfortable characters.

Am I talking rubbish again? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

Holby City - Tuesday 2nd October 2007

2007-10-03T05:39:00.000-07:00

It’s been a long time since I watched Holby City. To be honest actually, I haven’t really been an avid or regular watcher, but dipped in very occasionally to see one consultant give birth whilst operating and another consultant suffer a heart attack as another bumped off his wife. Now, I know the NHS can be exciting (well, that is what I tell myself daily to quell the rush of rapidly diminishing brain cells) but please! Yes it is a drama, yes it cannot be entirely realistic but we all know that in reality consultants tend to wander around in patchwork jumpers, bow ties and sleeveless shirts three sizes too small for them – with an ingrained facial expression of disgust tinged with disappointment. We all know there are few female consultants, at least not ones who don’t spend their time yanking out wombs re-starting the heartbeats of early babies, but Holby can dispense with this. And does. Often.
Last night Abra, the “maverick” surgeon somehow managed to get Nick the “honest” surgeon on board to his illegal and deeply unethical ship-poor-kids-from-Africa-and-use-NHS-resources-to-mend-them-scheme. Only the kid they ended up with was a child soldier from Liberia who enjoyed torturing and killing opposing gang members. With him he brought Abra’s long-lost and unpleasant father, a sort of mercenary arms dealer with an exaggerated panto-style face. Somewhere entangled in this was an on-going and - let’s be frank - tedious battle between a po-faced wooden posh boy Registrar and a hard-faced, two-dimensional, old bag Registrar who accused him of stealing her ring – when it was stolen by an equally wooden ward sister out of revenge. I think they dealt with a patient at some point, but I cannot be certain.
Abra, with the standard conflicting emotions, mended the child, thought he had successfully concealed his father’s identity and was ready to move the scheme on only his hard-drinking nurse girlfriend, Kyla, had been listening to his father’s home truths and ended her shift by slapping him in the face. Posh boy doc gave the stolen ring to a dying man and hard faced doc sped off on her motorbike (a bitch needs a bike!) Holby City is not a show you can dip in and out of. It requires a bit of commitment so, in that respect, will never be quite as easy and everlasting as Casualty which has never let continuity be its guide. I can’t say I was gripped by the illegal surgery plot or the “who stole my ring” story, but I may well tune in next week, just to see if any other dimensions can be added.

Still love Holby? Want more stories about the ring? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

Big Brother 8: Day 35 - 3rd July 2007

2007-07-04T01:23:00.000-07:00

In the early hours, Jonathan leaves the Big Brother house because his grandmother has died. Sam and Nicky are upset. Charley is angry she has been upstaged and kicks off. Again. You could almost set your watch by her. It matters not her Sin task is not to argue…she digs at Chanelle and Brian about being adopted, sending Chanelle out of the room and prompting Charley to launch into a poisonous diatribe and vitriolic impression session – with Laura, the giant monkey, laughing with the demonic organ grinder.

Brian is so incensed he has to march around the garden to calm himself. Ziggy does his relationship no favours by staying up all night with Charley to counsel her alongside Liam. Charley then decides to spill the beans to Liam about Nicky’s feelings, not a good idea now that Nicky has decided to back off. By 6am everyone goes to bed. Laura sports an unevenly spread orange tan face and a fake limp – hoping she won’t have to do her “six miles” for her Sin task.

Liam worries what lust will entail. He can’t worry too long because Carole runs around rationing the bread and telling everyone they cannot have toast. Liam was right to worry; he is made to dress up as a member of the village people again. His lust task is to look a tw*t basically.

As the bread argument goes on, Charley is accused of stirring which she vehemently denies. As if Charley would stir! I mean! Honestly! She poisons Ziggy further against Chanelle and to his shame he begins to question himself. Nicky is sent to the Room of Nicky, surrounded by pictures of herself. She must wear green and a jacket of herself…and learn some “self containment” but she looks uncomfortable

Outside Charley goes off again – this time calling Gerry boring (okay, she is right this once) as a camp Liam tries to break into the caravan and an annoyed Amanda is dragged from the shower by Carole who thinks she has been “too long” washing. Ziggy goes back up in my estimation when he goes to Chanelle and tells her what Laura and Charley have said…suddenly Laura is lost for words. “I never said it!” She cries.

Charley then argues with Laura, Laura argues with Chanelle, Chanelle argues with Ziggy. Argh! Shut up. Everyone! Shut up! Gerry, complete with a green face pack, tries to bring some calm – but as usual, no one listens. Chanelle is angry, “You can go sleep with ‘er!” She screams, pointing at Charley. Nicky claims she doesn’t want to get involved, whilst getting involved.

A bizarre scene follows here Laura rants to Liam, dressed as a scary gay biker, Gerry, a green alien, and Amanda, a giant hotdog. Liam deflates Laura, not willing to listen to her wittering. Charley isn’t finished in her campaign to split Ziggy and Chanelle and when Ziggy goes to the diary room she moves in on Chanelle, telling her not to trust her man.

Laura’s task is to walk a mini marathon whilst wearing piggy slippers. She somehow passes and the group wait to see if they all passed. In the meantime Chanelle and Laura discover they are to face the public vote which only makes Charley squeal with delight…let’s see how she squeals when her lackey Laura is booted out to boos.

When the task results are announced everyone but Charley has passed. The group are not happy; especially when Charley finds it amusing she has spoiled the party plans. All hell breaks loose again. First she shouts at Ziggy with Laura giggling on. Amusingly Ziggy tells Laura “find your own personality.” Liam is annoyed that Charley has spoiled the mood and another row kicks off.

Its tedium personified for a while until Big Brother intervenes and Charley is sent to the Sin Bin whilst everyone else gets a party – a PVC party. This leads to some of the most disturbing things I have ever seen – namely Brian as a giant condom and Tracey pushing her hands between his legs! And the twins rubbing each other in chocolate. And Nicky rubbing Ziggy. And worse – Ziggy rubbing Carole.

Yet – gross though it was, it was like heaven compared to another Charley “I’m just being honest” whine.

Like PVC? Want to slap Charley? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

Big Brother 8: Day 30 - 28th June 2007

2007-06-29T00:56:00.000-07:00

Jonathan who really wants to go, yes he really wants to leave. He wants to go you know? Yes, that’s right – leave, he wants to leave. Well, by 10.30am after he has said he wants to leave – go, you know, leave, is still sleeping. Blimey, even Blair didn’t take this long to exit. Chanelle and Ziggy sleep on the sofas, Chanelle sick and Ziggy wanting to leave as well. When Jonathan wakes up, he (shock horror) is having second thoughts. “You still here then?” Tracey grumbles when she sees him. Good old Trace – that rudeness in her they don’t like is what makes her better to watch than Jonathan and his contrived ‘I’ve made up my mind’ bollox.

They are all allowed to sing for their breakfast…and they are all awful Why am I reminded of the Eurovision episode of 'Father Ted' with the 'My lovely horse' song? Only it isn’t even as good as that. Yet, somehow and inevitably, they pass.

They receive a little hamper with bread, oranges and sausage from the Diary Room. Laura quickly snaffles the sausage as everyone else perks up at the carbohydrates on offer. Finally, after Billi whines on like an injured dog, Jonathan packs his bags and says goodbye. Nicky and Brian dance by the bath and even manage to elicit a smile from Carole Fun-Sucker. Jonathan then returns from the diary room to announce he will stay. What an absolute prat he is. Either stay or go, don’t mumble on about it! Tosser!

Laura straddles Liam to give him a massage which is a shock since a) she doesn’t crush him and b) he quite likes it. Jonathan reminds Nicky and Brian they are being watched by “eight million people” (more like half that Jon) but tells them they will have fans. “Charley will have fans too,” he says. “About 11 of them”

The youngsters bar Laura (because it involved movement) play around in the pool, as Ziggy and Chanelle snuggle somewhere. When it gets too cold Nicky and Liam return to the shower for…well, a lot of “harmless” rubbing, touching and wrestling. If that is Liam giving someone the brush off, he can give me the brush off any time he likes! In the garden later Liam discusses his ‘mental block’ when it comes to relationships with a (far too) philosophical Gerry who simply just wants some “cock”.

In the evening, as Carole and Laura cook hearts and kidneys provided by Big Brother (cue – more Chanelle vomiting) Brian is still perplexed by number twos. “I don't think women do proper poo” he says. “Next time I do a proper poo I'll proper show you” Tracey tells him. “It’s like the culture show”. Says Jonathan, immediately regretting his decision to stay.

Brian and Nicky decide to have fun and dance in the garden most of the evening, only it is more like a kind of bizarre giggling than dancing. Nicky tries to teach Brian cartwheels but he ends up falling over a balloon and then talking about his “boners” and how everything is ‘mentawl’. Billi snakes around with Charley, plotting something…Sam breaks a jug, Amanda laughs but it sends Carole mad. “The jug!” she cries – the jug has replaced the towel in Carole’s affections.

Fancy throwing jugs at Carole? Wants a shower with Liam? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

Big Brother 8: Day 29 - 27th June 2007

2007-06-28T01:03:00.000-07:00

Jonathan wakes and pads around the bathroom, his moobs on shuddering display. An alarm wakes the housemates, who now fearful of another bowl of slop. Brian moans. “They are annihilating us” he says. Jonathan grumps on about not wanting anything, not even a task. Leave then mate, feel free. Jonathan discusses Charley; "everyone is talking about her inside the house and everyone is talking about her outside it, so its working for her!”

Ziggy hates Charley, he has decided that she is simply nasty. Jonathan disagrees, “she has talent” he says. Excuse me? If talent is wearing crotch crippling hot pants and shouting expletives ten to the dozen then yes, she sure has talent. I expect her to display it in front of Cowell, Holden and Morgan on the next series of that God awful ITV1 “talent” show. Ziggy gets up and walks away in disgust. Another rift?

Their slop is delivered along with a vitamin pill. Laura and Tracey pretend it tastes much better but Brian, Charley and Nicky still retch as they struggle with their tiny mouthfuls. Everyone else manages surprisingly well.

Later Nicky and Liam help Brian wash the skid marks out of his pants. Dear. Lord. How shall I recover? Outside the twins try and drown Ziggy in the pool as Carole pontificates about how the “game is fixed” in favour of Charley. Nothing to do with you being up for eviction then, eh Carole? Jonathan, the Endemol insider, rubs his hands with glee. Makes sense I suppose for Endemol to put one of their own in…no more Emily style n*gger slip-ups.

After their millionth blazing row, Charley and Billi are sent to a “Happy Room” where they get champagne and strawberries to help them calm down. Ziggy is apoplectic (he’s also more coherent when angry, have you noticed?) and tries to get into the Diary Room but BB won’t let him in. Carole starts cleaning in frenzy, twittering about BB favouring Charley over and over like a manic Duracell bunny left out in the rain for too long.

By evening, Jonathan announces he has talked to Big Brother and he has asked to leave. There are some tears and a few shrugs. Brian gets stressed and walks up and down repetitively to calm himself down. Everyone pretends to be sorry that Jonathan is leaving, shedding “crocodile tears” as Gerry calls them. Carole is gutted and snipes that it must be Nicky’s fault (of course. I hold Nicky responsible for my badly behaved dog and my mounting debts, the existence of Peaches Geldof, the recent heavy rain, house prices rises and the war in Iraq.)

At midnight twins are set a psychic test, but are pretty terrible – yet they some how pass. “I drawed an apple and she drawed a pineapple” they laugh when they manage to draw one image correctly through being ‘psychic’. “We are psychopathic” Amanda says. I always thought so. They choose Chanelle and Liam to celebrate with them but Chanelle is already feeling sick, Nicky goes instead but the cakes will not be made of icing sugar.

Gerry in protest covers his head in the slop. He threatens to put it on his genitals but says there isn’t enough. Billi and Charley won’t eat – Charley is forced to eat it in the Diary Room – que: a mighty strop for the highlights. Billi angrily bangs on the diary room door to protest again about Charley’s ‘preferential treatment’

The twins are appalled when they find their cake is filled with slop. Liam is happy enough that one of the cakes has corned beef. “I like corned beef” he laughs. Nicky takes it well, although she manages to swear some crudeness to Big Brother first. Sam and Liam bond over their mutual dislike of Carole and her attitude.

Back in the bedroom Charley, on a loop of irritancy, maintains she will leave in the morning if she has to eat slop again. Here is your chance BB, more slop for Charley and she can bugger off home.

Want a corned beef cake? Think Carole is a bit mental? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

Big Brother 8: Day 28 - 26th June 2007

2007-06-27T00:56:00.000-07:00

The morning after the failed sleep task Ziggy, Jonathan and Carole gather for their daily old granny bitch session. Apparently it is all Nicky’s fault that they failed. Oh, of course…a task where you have to stay awake for 60 hours is clearly failed by the only person who managed to, and was willing to stay awake! Ziggy is a prize prat. He’s been beaten by Amanda at swimming and Nicky at sleeping – women keep beating him and he can’t stand it. Although Charely is wearing him down into a shadow of his former self and Carole – Ziggy, step away from Carole – she is a Dementor, she is sucking out your soul.

As punishment Big Brother takes back all the food in the house, but a mini revolt ensues when Laura tells everyone to eat and eat it all and fast. The first casualty of food war is Brian - "I bib my tongue..." he cries whilst chomping on chocolate. Laura is determined not to hand back the food "we worked hard on the task, its not our fault others couldn’t physically do it" she says. Yes. Seriously. The same Laura who would have eaten her own kidney rather than stay awake for more than an hour.

Liam returns some of the food to the storeroom – realising further punishment will follow if he doesn’t. He’s a canny lad that Liam, I think he will do well. Jonathan is distressed thinking that the public will see it as them whinging about things they are contracted to do – well I do!
Carole sits on the bed with boxes of meat pies by her side – looking like Les Dawson in drag, pushing up her bosom and staring wistfully at her trophies, Jonathan at her side - her Roy Barraclough. But Liam presses on, clearly he has won his second 100k today, as he clears the fridge.

The food is finally returned and everyone – even (shock) Sam, has the hump.
Someone dares to touch Carole’s towel again – and hell fire it was Nicky. Carole is off on one like a demented Hagrid but with an even bushier beard. “It’s not private poperty” Ziggy chimes in, finally exhausted by Carole's incessant whining. “She didn’t do it on purpose” Liam says. Bad move boys – two men defending Nicky to woman hater Carole? She will blow into a million pieces shortly, mark my words.

The housemates have to weigh and measure tehmselves. Chanelle is 5 foot 5 and a “shocking” 8 stone 3 (up from 7 stone 10 ) and not impressed. She suspects BB wants to weigh them to give them low calorie meals after failing the task. She is right. Brian is a huge 6 foot 6. Laura is 5 foot 3 and 12 stone 2 and reckons she has lost some (how? Did she slice a leg off when no one was looking?) Liam is 6 foot 2 and has lost a stone is now 15 stone 12! Nicky is only 4 foot 11 and 8 stone. Charley is 7 stone 11 and 5 foot 6 – dangerously underweight.

When the nomination results are announced later in the evening all hell breaks loose because Billi and Charley’s votes don’t count, freeing Nicky and Charely from the public vote.

Chanelle is so shocked that Charley is not up she cannot help but make an innocent-ish comment so Charley kicks off and Ziggy gets all over protective…making Charley blow up even more…everyone gets flamed…Carole, Billi, the twins, Jonathan and Gerry. Nicky is devastated that she was nearly up. “I thought they were my friends” she whimpers. No Nicky – trust no one! This is Big Brother, no one likes you.

Billi drips more poison. “She’ll be hated” he screams of Charely. “Who else could have nominated me, I can only think of two.” Shut up slimeball, try eight! Eugh. Miserable Carole miserys on but I switch off when she shows up, much like I do when Gerry talks.

After being force to eat nutritional slop for failing the task, the twins are not allowed a party so create their own pink party with no tunes, booze or fun (lets be honest – it’s more like “humouring” the kids than fun) Charley and Nicky stay away – Charley getting ready, and shunned for being a bitch, and Nicky poisoned by the slop and depressed. Laura lays down with them – exhausted at the non musical chairs game she just lost. Tracey joins them after banging her bottom on the chair.

In the bathroom a sexually frustrated Gerry asks the lads if they fancy a 'homosexual orgy'. They all decline. “I'll be gentle” Gerry says. “I don't think you could possibly be gentle enough.” Liam nods.

Wish Charley could stay forever? Like a bowl of slop first thing? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

Big Brother 8: Day 27 - 25th June 2007

2007-06-25T16:46:00.000-07:00

The sleep deprivation task continues. Billi slithers around trying to convince everyone that Nicky and Charley should be the ones nominated this week only he’s too thick to realise that Nicky and Charley talk to one another and they rumble his rouse. “We’ll still be up though,” Charley says wisely. Billi is a game player, which is usually a good thing for BB only he’s not very good at it, which is a dreadful sight to behold.

After less than 24 hours the housemates discuss whether to give up or not. Laura is simply too tired (from what? Lazy cow does nothing but sleep and lay around) but Liam wants to try for longer. Tracey needs to keep going so she can have her cigs but this only brings out Ziggy’s snappy side “I’m sick of you telling everyone to deal wiv it. You deal wiv it,” he barks. “Zac! You haven’t had a strop like that for weeks,” Chanelle chimes in.

Jonathan guarantees himself a longer stay in the house by telling the twins they can go to his Portuguese villa free for a week as a “birthday treat”. They refuse to nominate him when he says the still can. It perks up Sam though who was really struggling to keep her eyes awake.

Laura tries to pull a “hilarious” prank when she claims Big Brother wanted her to sabotage the task by falling asleep but Carole's having none of it, “You just wanted to sleep” and Laura gets the derision of all Housemates when she reveals the “joke.”

Big Brother sets a ‘counting sheep’ task so everyone can earn an extra 1 hour on the clock for sleep considering Carole has used most of the existing time by dozing off mid-sentence they need it. Liam and Laura play Bo Peep and everyone else has to dress as a sheep – Jonathan as a sheep is almost as scary as Jonathan in the YMCA task. Amanda looks impossibly sweet as a sheep.

Eventually, “smart” Gerry works out that they can all sleep collectively and wake after an hour or so and still not lose the time. Liam, Nicky and Tracey agree to stay awake and make sure no one over sleeps. Only Nicky has the staying power to remain awake and as Liam succumbs to sleep, she buries him amid a mass of pillows before bonding with Jonathan over meatballs and anger issues.

There is a mass debate (not involving Brian’s leakage thankfully) where they come dangerously close to quitting but the twins rally on, desperate to get to their 19th birthday and have some fun, despite everyone else looking like death warmed up. Laura, already whining because her sabotage for sleep didn’t work, whinges when everyone else has backbone and camaraderie to stay up she develops her face like a torn clog – a face I would never tire of kicking. God, I’ve never disliked someone so much. She’s a nanny? I wouldn’t let her look after my shoes, let alone a living creature.

By midnight there is another vote and everyone bar Liam, Nicky, Sam and Amanda wants to quit and accept basic rations. Why do I sense that bad things will happen now with the shopping budget – especially as Ziggy, Nicky, Laura and Jonathan have accepted responsibility?

If Laura dares complain she is hungry next week, someone better shove her head in the oven and cook it on Gas Mark 4.

Can you last 60 hours sleepless? Want to batter Laura to death with her own foot? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

Big Brother 8: Days 25 and 26 - 24th June 2007

2007-06-24T18:30:00.000-07:00

Another late night ensures that the lazy housemates do not wake until 12pm. They are told to wait in the bedroom for a task that seemingly never appears to happen

A knobbly knee competition is hastily set up, almost unbelievably unimaginative. Everyone has to pull up their trousers and display their knees behind curtains dancing to music one woman and one man will win the ‘reward’ of a 1970s caravan. Charley and Brian win. When Charley is told she is excited but Brian, bless him less so, considering Charley punched him in the balls earlier during an argument its not surprise. Big Brother gives them hideous clothes. Charley has a floral two piece, pop-socks, flat sandals and a knotted hanky, Brian has a checked shirt, half-mast pants, white socks and Jesus sandals and another knotted hanky. They are like a hip and happening George and Mildred.”I hope she’s in there a week” Jonathan declares. In the caravan Charley and Brian slate Billi for his posing skills, his pervyness and his isolating attitude, despite Charley spending hours previously with Billi slating everyone else.

Liam varnishes Nicky’s toes. They worry me…they are even starting dress the same – all matching stripes and slippers. It’s a pity Liam has let things go on so long…he clearly has different feelings. In a cider frenzy Brian dances madly in the caravan alone, mad hat and everything…he’s on top form actually, he even manages to get Charley to laugh through her whinges.

The next day the caravan task ends early because Charley is bored. She can’t bear Brian’s constant “shaht up” and his inappropriate erections. Liam takes a bath and invites Nicky to talk to him. A word of advice Liam, if you want to let a woman “down gently” don’t lay in front of her nearly naked and get her to rub your face. Nicky grumps for the rest of the day, back to her misery mode. When an endurance sleep task of 60 hours is set, where the pool, straighteners, sharp objects and the beds are banned Nicky nearly loses her mind, “You’re going to be fun” Jonathan says. A nation nods.

In all white pyjamas, teddy bears and robes the housemates set sail to stay awake. Jonathan and Ziggy are sceptical. The twins and Gerry are happy to play fight with pillows, but am I alone in hoping to see the twins frayed, angry and shouty on no sleep? Big Brother immediately stops the fun and everyone moans. Oh dear…

Chanelle settles down with everyone to listen to Goldilocks as the bedtime story. “Is this the one with a poisoned apple?” she asks. Blimey! Thankfully Gerry makes Chanelle’s bear Betsy have sex with one of the task bears for light relief. Charley vows not to speak to anyone before speaking to EVERYONE.

Laura, who I would singe to death with the dreaded Big Brother hair straighteners if I could, shouts and stomps, overriding everyone trying to “keep up spirits”. I’d rather fail the task and give in to weeks of endless sniping and nomination than have Laura geeing me up.

Carole tries to expose Ziggy's penis (hell fire) as Sam and Amanda play pillow fights to keep awake. Tracey is buzzing again. I don't know where she keeps her acid but I wish she'd give some to everyone else...and me!

Think Billi is a rough diamond? Is Besty a slut? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

Big Brother 8: Day 24: 22nd June 2007

2007-06-22T18:53:00.000-07:00

The alarms sounds at 11am and the sleep deprived housemates away, retiring to bed at 6am. Everyone looks rough…and anxious. It is eviction day! Brian is still waiting for his forfeit after being the loser of the swimming task but he is too concerned that he has lost his earring in bed…Tracey has nasty bruises on her thighs. Hang on! Brian has lost his earring ‘tossing and turning’ and Tracey has bruised thighs? A secret passion that no one spotted?

Ziggy wants and “honest day” and decides he will tell Carole to shave her legs and chin before the eviction. Unfortunately the flaw in this is that Ziggy is incapable of honesty. Seány is afraid he will be evicted and people will shout “ave it” at him. Sadly I think Seány will go, which is a shame as fun sucker Carole should be booted back to her Giro and stash of free condoms.

Billi lays next to Amanda, his hand disappearing under the covers. I’m sorry, but I cannot look. Billi groping Amanda? That’s akin to an axe murder decapitating a kitten. The four newcomers are called to the diary room to make a podcast and do impressions of their fellow housemates. Laura makes breakfast – hot chocolate and biscuits. Dear, dear me.

Seány wants to go around schools telling everyone how bad it is to be in a gang. I would have thought it was pretty bad to be a curly topped ‘prankster’ with bad dress sense and no obvious emotions but there you go. Billi is given a laminate to read out – everyone has to pick an object from the house and do a presentation on it.

Amanda chooses her pink tutu and everyone else nods. “It’s pink and cute, like you.” “It reminds me of parties lahk,” Amanda says. Billi chooses his sunglasses. “It’s so no one can see who you are looking at,” Liam suggests. Yes Liam, a perv’s paradise the old sunnies. Everyone starts to agree that Billi is sneaky and a watcher, except Amanda who thinks his glasses are no more than “fashion n’ stuff” Seány - wearing sunglasses himself.... says 'anyone wearing sunglasses in a house is an eejit. Brian has chosen a pepper pot (this is Brian who though he could use his fingers and then a lemon zester to peel an apple) he didn’t understand he could choose his own object and thought he needed one from the house. They think its because Brian is “slick” I think it is because you can probably twists Brian’s head 360 degrees and he’d sprinkle the floor with spices.

Carole chose plants because, according to the housemates, she’s “natural and hates perishables” Billi gets a dig in, “plants can’t walk and talk and you like to be needed” Carole waffles on as to why she chose it but Liam and Charley cannot bear it and laugh heartily. Chanelle herself chose Victoria Beckham’s mirror. Seány jokes “obviously she's taken Victoria Beckham's mirror from her, I don't condone theft so I can't comment”. Ziggy struggles what to say and Tracey tells Chanelle it’s really because she needs to “remind yourself you are you.” Wise words Tracey, wise words.

Charley also chose a mirror *sigh * which Laura insists means she is “vain.” “The lights are on but no one is home” Seány says. Charley gets ripped apart as much as Billi. Liam feels sorry for Charley and thinks they should all stop making a big deal out of it.

Gerry chose his ‘worry beads’ and analyses himself to death. He really needs to dumb himself down. Jonathan chooses a camera as his representation because it is about showing off and judgement.

Laura chooses the shower, because it is huge and immovable (not really) and drippy like she is. Carole thinks it is because she “scrubs up well”. Does she? I’ve yet to see her wash. Liam chooses a photo of himself. Makes sense, it is totally representative then…but the housemates see more, thinking Liam is full of “gratitude” (not surprising since you bestowed £100k on him)

Nicky’s object was a sponge, Carole thinks Nicky is a natural sponge, soft and absorbent…Jonathan agrees but Billi thinks it is simply because she “uses it a lot and all that.” Thank you Professor Freud. Sam picks something pink but everyone’s enthusiasm has gone and no one really cares what it represents.

Carole and Ziggy have to do lines as punishment for writing on the wall with chalk. The both have school ties… "It’s Grambo, not Rambo” Seány cries when Carole puts the tie around her head. He then rubs out all of Ziggy’s lines…as when Ziggy goes to the Diary Room, Seány locks him in with chairs and proceeds to write, “Ziggy is an eejit” on the blackboard

The moronic voting British public vote out the most entertaining housemate again...Seány is evicted…. oh good more days of Carole bitching, whining, crying and playing the martyr and Jonathan scheming. Fascinating. – 44.5% of the vote. Charley, despite voting for him claims “I’m not being funny right,” before Jonathan butts in "You are right, you are not funny” He might be evil but he is amusing…

After everyone cries at Seany’s death (eviction) Liam intensifies Nicky in his thoughts, telling her he hates what everyone is saying before flirting outrageously with Chanelle…Ziggy can’t intimidate Liam as easily as he managed to intimidate Billi.

Liam and Nicky play piggybacks again, Jonathan calls Billi “Lazy” and Laura and “Deaf bully” (I like him). Bill pervs on Sam. Everything seems normal suddenly.

Bored? Loving it, woo? Chillwinter@hotmail.co.uk

Big Brother 8: Day 23 - 21st June 2007

2007-06-22T01:00:00.000-07:00

Nicky is asleep on the sofa. She had been in bed with Liam but the repercussions worried her. She can’t return to her own bed because Billi is in there. I can sympathise. If Billi was in my bed I’d rather sleep in my dog’s poo-infested kennel than clamber next to him and his special ‘masturbation T Shirt.’ Carole and Ziggy go to the kitchen for their morning bitch. Charley and Jonathan’s row is still hanging in the air, “I’ll see her in a new light” Carole says, “but she’s not spiteful, she’s just Charley” Not spiteful? Oh Carole, you have a shock coming. Ziggy moans about Billi’s ‘game plan’ and Nicky’s ‘moodiness’. Sometimes Ziggy is such an old woman, no wonder he has bonded with Carole, the pair of fun sucking kill joys. “Chanelle likes Billi,” he says, “because he’s younger.” Eh? Billi is 25 Zig, you are apparently 26…that isn’t really much of a difference now, is it?

Seány dances out of the bedroom like a pixie on glue. He pushes Ziggy into the pool and drapes himself on a bored looking Gerry. Jonathan opines, “Liam was the right person to give the money to. They’ll see that out there.” He’s obsessed with public perception which is a shame as after the way he spoke to Charley overnight and his bitter obsession with putting Nicky down, he won’t get such a good reception.

Billi having evicted Nicky, snuggles up to Amanda waiting until Ziggy leaves Chanelle alone long enough for him to splay himself on her next. Ziggy returns however and Billi scuttles off like a woodlouse. Laura finds a burger under her bed and immediately eats it. You really could not make this stuff up. Billi gets a shower and is joined by Chanelle and Amanda…he must think it’s his birthday. Chanelle promises Ziggy she will keep her distance from Billi Slimeball but whenever she turns around he is there,

Carole teaches Brian to swim. Carole loves it when she is allowed to be in charge and nurturing and Brian is a willing candidate, a sweet uncomplicated boy what has actually achieved something worthwhile now from his Big Brother experience. Jonathan thinks Ziggy will win – no he won’t Jonathan. Pick a bland male with a false persona…he’ll win. Actually, that is Ziggy?

After watching Chanelle lay on the bed with Billi (and shower with him, and play with him) Ziggy has that “difficult talk” and basically dumps her. “I won’t be made a mug of” he says. Too late Zac mate, too late. Chanelle tells her side to the twins but embellishes the story until Ziggy is the devil incarnate. Nicky and Liam don’t notice they are too busy wrestling and playing piggy backs to care

Amanda comes into her own, offering advice and cheering Chanelle up. Amanda is my favourite of the twins, a lovely simple girl with a heart of gold. Pity they won’t show how great she is on the highlight. Billi thinks he is part of “Team Wang” with Chanelle, the twins, Charley and Laura…but Charley doesn’t get the reference to Laura’s ‘wangers’. "Wotsit mean?" Everyone bitches that Jonathan and Ziggy have drunk all the wine. Billi creeps me out. I’d rather he were out than Charley! Shocking. He whines that the boys will “turn” on him as he thinks he caused the Zigelle split. Chanelle is one smart lass and quizzes Zig at night, questioning his motives and those who have ‘whispered’ to him. I like her, I’d like her more if she told Billi to f*ck off.

Nicky confides her Liam lust with Billi. Bad idea. Bad idea. Gerry thinks they make a sweet couple, despite Charley’s attempts to upset the relationship. By bedtime, Chanelle has badgered, bullied and nagged Ziggy into giving her another go (oh heck) after Billi said “nuffin’ to do wiv’ me mate” and Zigelle is back to bed sharing and the 'romance' is saved!

Is love in the air? Fancy using Carole’s towel? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

Big Brother 8: Day 22: 20th June 2007

2007-06-21T01:00:00.000-07:00

Seány has spent the night putting Gerry and Chanelle’s toys into condoms. Chanelle sees the funny side but Gerry is angry and throws Seány’s hats in the pool. It’s only a bear Gerry man. Carole awakes the next day to take her rightful place as head of the kitchen – “it’s washing day” she announces once again taking it upon herself to look after everyone. Stop playing the martyr Carole and maybe you won’t keep getting nominated. Ziggy is depressed, he wanders around with a long face, avoiding Tracey’s questions and telling Billi he’ll be “watching him” if he goes. Billi grins…he hasn’t had to do much to wind up old Zig.

“Nicky’s in love” Carole snipes. I think Nicky is really just in lust. Liam doesn’t return her affections however; his eyes cannot help but appraise Chanelle whenever she is near. Jonathan and Gerry investigate the eye logo, coming desperately close to the ‘secret room’ (Please not another House Next Door!) Jonathan admits that although he was deeply cynical of the twins he has now been “won over”. Carole still thinks they are false. “They’ve been coached,” she barks before viewing herself in the mirror. "My pouch is saturated" she says. Good. God. I don’t want to know.

A twin thinks they should sit and discuss the shopping list before ordering it. Blimey that is sensible. If only I knew which one it was so I could heap my praise on the correct person.
Brian is annoyed by Laura who declares she will stay in bed all day (Never!). “You are a diva,” he tells her. “You don’t know what a diva is!” Laura squeals. "Yes I do, you sit there in your Bet Lynch housecoat.”

As the individual winner in the swimming task, Amanda has to order the shopping list alone as her reward, only when she returns to the house armed only with hairspray, candyfloss and strawberry laces I think it will be more of a punishment – especially when Nicky and Carole realise that Jays fluid and Mr Muscle have been replaced by un-chewable gobstoppers and chocolate mice. Amanda returns, “I got loadsa cake and choccie lahk” Carole is annoyed; Amanda forgot washing powder but remembered Nicky’s hot sauce and Charley’s fags. Tracey goes berserk. “No tobacco man! No tobacco!” Please! Go and ‘deal wiv it’ Tracey and smoke a fagage.

“Seány, you are hard work.” Gerry declares in between rambling on about architecture and the chaos theory and how ‘fantastic’ his own penis is. “My poor bear” he complains. Gerry, you are a 31-year-old man with several degrees and an apparently great knowledge, get over the bear already.

By the evening all of the housemates are called to the sofas and shown £100,000 sitting in the Diary Room. Laura squeals, “It’s the prize fund, it will count down!” She’s wrong. Carole, Jonathan and Seány are called in to the Diary Room. Carole is tearful and fractious because Jonathan used her precious towel and he DIDN’T ASK PERMISSION. The three cannot receive the prize, but they can choose which remaining housemate does get the money. A poisoned chalice?

They get just one minute. They dissuade Seány from giving the money to Laura and Jonathan from giving it to Amanda or Sam and give the money to Liam but he looks less than pleased; in fact he bursts into tears. Brian reassures him. “Don’t worry about crying mate, I’ve mugged myself off.” Charley immediately readjusts her sights and hovers around telling Liam he is “so worft it.”

Carole looks distraught. Seány cannot believe he is up for eviction. (Really?) Jonathan cries, “I don’t need the money anyway, I’d throw it to the crowd!” Shut up, fool. Nicky tentatively sits with Liam but now her burgeoning romance has been stopped. Everyone will think she wants the money. Brian and twins are delighted as usual. You could probably burst into the house and tell the three of them their parents and spontaneously combusted and they’d find the joy somewhere, somehow.

Charley ups her flirting with Liam so Nicky is forced to reveal her hidden weapons – her chest and Amanda’s make up routine. Chanelle has another strop when Gerry touches her sandwich (not a euphemism). Carole takes it upon herself to now dislike Chanelle as well (Carole’s ‘dislike list’ sure is big) and she lies to Laura that she was “in with a chance” of the money. Carole, you vetoed Laura.

Laura tries to convince Ziggy there is something evil about Jonathan but he isn’t so sure. “He’s alright” he tells her. No, Ziggy – for once, Laura is correct. Jonathan continues his hate tirade against Charley but she’s had enough and retaliates, causing another Diary Room trip for the pair and Jonathan stalks the garden alone and forlorn in the early hours. Oh dear, Jonathan has been rumbled.

Think Liam deserved his cash? Wish that Charley was rewarded instead? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

Big Brother 8: Day 21: June 19th 2007

2007-06-20T01:05:00.000-07:00

The swimming task continues and Chanelle spends every waking second trying to find a way not to actually do any swimming. “I’ll go in the boat” she says as everyone scowls in the background. Laura and Ziggy do the majority of the work, length after length after length. It’s great to see Laura move and to see her smile for once. Carole, the Demon Headmistress, frowns and whines about how she is “done with everyone” before she then goes on to make everyone’s breakfast. Yes, really “done” aren’t you Carole? Amanda dives into the pool and swims until she drops. She may have few brain cells but she has a hell of a lot of stamina.

Charley and Seány take it turns to out annoy everyone by dressing as demented fishermen and shouting through a megaphone. If only a torpedo firing submarine was passing at that very moment. Kill two knobs with one strike!

Carole continues to dominate the kitchen, ticking off every bit of food that may have possibly been eaten without her express written permission. “Where is the sweetcorn? The sweet corn is gone!” She cries with a panic. Carole dear....it's only sweet corn love. I'm surprised she hasn't numbered each bit of corn. She'll be checking everyone's stools to see who had what! Poor Ziggy gets the blame even though it was Liam who ate it. Having said that, the sweet corn was bought with Liam’s luxury shopping budget so he can eat what he wants…but don’t tell Carole I said that.

Billi wants to cause trouble for Ziggy. Charley jumps at the chance but they are a bit too stupid to come up with anything other than a some backstabbing! Whoa, original! Sam gets food poisoning….surely, in some way; somehow this is Seány’s fault? He’s probably been “pranking” again by sprinkling his urine in Sam’s food when she wasn’t looking.

Nomination results are announced, Carole, Jonathan and Seány are up for the vote. There isn’t a huge amount of surprise except on Charley’s face – even she thought she was a goner. Ziggy and Chanelle stare aimlessly into the distance. They’ve grown bored of one another but are too polite to admit it. Gerry has noticed but he gets too giddy when he’s alone with Ziggy to actually tell him straight.

Nicky is attracted to Liam but keeps, unsuccessfully, trying to talk herself out of. “Men repulse me,” she says before slavering over the tree surgeon and giggling like an overexcited schoolgirl when he says he’d quite like to settle down. Nicky is still perplexed as to why Carole won’t speak to her. Here is a clue Nicky, calling someone a “hag” and a “kitchen Nazi” is not inductive to friendship.

Billi lays on the bed in his ill fitting Speedos. He has an incredibly annoying and worrying habit of splaying his legs in front of every camera. I really don’t want to see Billi’s love spuds thanks Big Brother, please make him wear a skirt…and tell Chanelle to put some pants on too – her arse aint any more attractive than Billi’s. Brian thinks he will “die from dehydration man” as the heat in the bedroom increases. He camply wafts himself with a fan and whines that his leg is broken as Billi stares at the twins telling them “Amanda you have the biggest eyes, but Sam yours are wider.” Say what? Either their eyes are the same are they aren’t you twerp.

Lightening and storms around my way kill the live feed so who knows what happened during the night? I imagine it wasn’t anything groundbreaking. Let’s hope Carole is evicted. She’s got nothing left to offer now and Seány and Jonathan, scary though they are, have a little depth.

Like Carole’s weeping Mrs Mop routine? Is Seány actually a leprechaun? Chillwinter@hotmail.co.uk

Big Brother 8: Day 20: June 18th 2007

2007-06-19T00:48:00.000-07:00

Charley sits down, “I don’t need no arguments. I’m showing them out there I don’t need to argue.” I give it five minutes, as soon as she spots the grubby tide mark in the bath that she left and Carole on the cleaning warpath the usual tedious, ‘I’m not been funny yea’ will start again. Its only two minutes later when she discovers water in her £200 boots and she launches into another ear bleeding whinge. Having said that, after watching Seány take a pee on the fake grass overnight, I’m not at all surprised that Charley might be worried.

Jonathan slithers around the house, exactly like that big snake off The Jungle Book. I’m still waiting for his eyes to start spinning in a hypnotic glower but I’m sure this is a trick he is reserving for the diary room. He gives me the heeby geebies. I don’t trust him. Nor Billi with his bizarre candy floss hair and sniping eyelids.

Nominations are due and suddenly everyone wants to hug and kiss and be polite. Seany’s blotted his copy by watering the boots and grass. Carole has blotted hers by telling everyone not to run on slippery surfaces, lest they fall. Huh Carole, God yeah what a bitch! Thinking of your health and safety? Silly old moo. Amanda takes only 15 minutes, probably easily persuaded by BB bosses that she must not nominate Charley under any circumstances, ‘but feel free to choose your dingbat sister with even less personality than yourself.’ “Luv it!”

Billi limps inside and last 18 minutes. Charley indulges the room with her ‘nice’ personality, all soft voice and ‘babe’ chitchat. If anyone falls for that then they deserve to be evicted for sheer foolishness. “You’ve lost weight,” Carole tells Laura. No she hasn’t Carole, not unless she’s cut her own tongue off. Brian next, and he manages a speedy 13 minutes, Carole is two better at 11 minutes (yes, I really do time these things…) Chanelle takes an age so Gerry takes the opportunity to tell Ziggy he thinks that he “has changed” and become “sad” over the week and that it’s the relationship with Chanelle that has done it. Gerry has a hungry look in his eyes when he talks to Ziggy, not the horrified look he gets when Seány drags him into a near faux homoerotic clinch, but the genuine article.
Charley follows a pale-faced Chanelle, a look of grim determination on her face. Make no mistake; she knows exactly whom she will be nominating. Tracey talks of “phat filmage” and flicks her fingers several times. I’ve given up trying to fathom Tracey at all and have resolved that she must be okay because bitchage and nastyage would have shone through by now, surely? Charley stomps out of the diary room and Gerry gleefully takes her place though I drift off and cannot be certain he even went in. Liam takes a busman’s holiday and decides to prune the plants – hopefully not the ones still containing Seány Pee. Jonathan’s nominations are fairly speedy I would hazard a guess that Nicky and a twin are in his internal eyeball target. Laura almost breaks into a run to take her turn, but thinks better of it. Her blood pressure wouldn’t be able to cope – she hasn’t run since she skipped up the steps into the house nearly three weeks ago.

The rest of the afternoon is fairly standard and dull.

An endurance swimming task is set in the world’s smallest pool. Chanelle struggles. “You are so unfit” Gerry jokes but Chanelle aint laughing. “I’m a beached whale, I feel so fat.” “Don’t be a prick Gerry” Nicky tries to retort in gest only it makes Chanelle cry even harder and Gerry storms off whining to Carole and Jonathan about being ‘insulted.’ (Is ‘prick’ really the most insulting thing he’s ever heard? I would have thought being a slightly podgy, over qualified, strangely hairless berk who doesn’t mind sticking his tongue down the throat of a crusty, glitter inhaling pixie like Seány would have warranted a much worse insult by now. ‘Arsehole’ maybe?)

The unholy alliance that is Big Brother’s mum and dad Carothan (Jonale?) riles at Nicky, demanding answers. It’s strange how a seemingly wise and sorted woman like Carole can be so quickly suckered in by a man she has known for 72 hours. I’m a telling ya! It's them devil eyes. Jonathan thinks the twins are fake – so now does Carole! Jonathan thinks Ziggy is deceitful – so now does Carole! Jonathan thinks Nicky is Satan’s spawn – so now des Carole!

Nicky tries not to tell tales about Gerry but he overhears his name and screams at her. She screams back INCREDIBLY LOUDLY as Tracey and Liam look on in utter terror. Charley is amazed that a) she’s not involved and b) at some point Gerry called Nicky fat. “You’re the next thinnest in here.” She says. “After me.” Of course.

Big Brother, bored of the arguing of skinny women and their insecurities, focus instead on an extreme close up if Seány as he pseudo-seductively flutters his eye lashes and whispers something unintelligible to camera. I feel so bilious I’d rather they cut to Billi pulling out his contact lenses. Suddenly Shabnam’s flaky scalp and mucky face don’t seem all that bad.

Think Jonathan is a schemer or a truth teller? Do you like Gerry’s grumpy side? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

Big Brother 8: Days 17 18 and 19 - 1th June 2007

2007-06-18T00:42:00.000-07:00

Eviction night more or less whimpered on to screen. Struggling against the inexplicably popular Britain’s Got Talent (it doesn’t – all weeping kids nursing shattered dreams and big-busted women in ill-fitting leotards? Talent. Yeah, sure.) and a second episode of Coronation Street (Claire Peacock sure is determined that one of her sons will be hit by a car). Carole, a moany woman of 53 who looks 30 years older, Tracey a conservative raver and Shabnam a vainglorious monstrosity of mental illness, desperation and BO – waited with a mixure of hope and fear for eviction. Hope they would leave Charley behind and fear that they might not.
The day has been tense. Charley gets an official warning for masterminding a plan to plaster a sleeping Gerry with eyeliner as he lies in ignorance. The group decides she’s trouble and shun her, only they forget that in order to successfully shun someone you shouldn’t be talking to them or fixing their hair. Everyone waits for the eviction – Davina announces that four more men are to go in as Shabnam (dead cert) leaves – no doubt adding further to the air of disappointment already saturating the air.

The men enter – Housemate 15 is Billi, a 25-year-old model. He’s “bored” modelling (there is only so much pouting and scowling in sync anyone can do). He wants to become a fashion advisor, a sort of low rent, disingenuous Gok Wan. He has to straighten his mad curly hair every day, he loves to wrestle and go “women hunting” since “standards are lower at 3.30am.” It’s clear when he enters that he quite likes the triplets – Amanda, Sam and Chanelle. Billi scares me; his agency name is ‘Massimo.’ The crowd, when not indifferent, are bored. I have no hopes.
House Reaction: An oddly ‘meh’ feel. Gerry thinks he may be gay.

Housemate 16 is Jonathan. He is 49, a poor man’s East End gangster. He’s a millionaire with no taste and a dark side. He can’t be humiliated apparently (please!) and he’s “blunt and cutting” (pah) and enjoys people looking at him. I hope he lives up to it – I suspect he won’t. His money and brashness will instantly attract Charley and annoy Tracey and Seany. He is strangely camp.
House Reaction: Craziness. The twins embrace him and Shabnam immediately tries to set him up with Carole. He says something to Tracey that makes her pull a face of either horror or delight – but I never get to find out.

Housemate 17 is Liam, a 22-year-old tree surgeon from Durham. He has a fit body and a nice ish face. He also plays cricket. The girls love him, Nicky especially. He seems a canny lad, and knows more than he lets on. I like him. He’s one to watch.

Housemate 18 is Brian a 19-year-old IT man from Essex. He loves to party and thinks he looks like 50 Cent. He seems a good soul really, I get good vibes – he loves people and will always be up for a confrontation. Brian gets quite a good reception; he loves cosmic ordering and lives with his apparently formidable mum.
House Reaction: Mental. Charley and the twins go mad. Seany is delighted, Ziggy is glad of some more testosterone, but sadly, Charley knows him.

Shabnam is evicted with a massive 81.4% of the vote (out of 3?). “Please don’t boo me” she whines “ I’m fun. I love you all!” she acts crackers and the crowd inevitably revert to type, “off, off, off” they cry. “Who are you, who are you, who are you?”

The next day the new men are made to sing for their supper in an entirely cringeworthty and embarrassing rendition of YMCA, dressed as the Village People. I’m not sure I will ever eradicate the image of Jonathan as Native American chief…I’m shuddering now.

Charley has another major strop over the dreaded and hopefully-soon-to-be-binned hair straightners. Nicky asserts it must be because she managed a whole day of no arguing and something had to give. Charley thinks someone is “trying to make me look stupid? Singularly forgetting that she has a plethora of idiot skills all of her own. Billi feels the wrath considering he loves straightening himself (aint that the truth). Brian feels awkward, he tries to be wise, tries to counsel Charley but the woman is a stranger to wisdom as she is a stranger to decorum.

Only Seany remains with any patience for the increasingly isolated Charley – but then, he works with hundreds of ‘disengaged youths’ everyday and he has a touch of madness himself (Michael Jackson?). Laura is blamed for leaving the hair straightener gas on immediately re-igniting (!) her bulldog chewing a wasp face, which sets in for the duration.

Liam has everyone sussed in a heartbeat – Charley is a “lick arse” Ziggy is “canny” and Chanelle is the “most attractive” – the others need to “work hard”. Liam is like the male version of Chanelle, pretty on the outside, smart as hell on the inside. I think I might like him.

Carole gets to play mother, much to Jonathan’s pleasure. There’s no chemistry there, just a brotherly sisterly affection. Tracey suddenly relaxes, Sam and Amanda become obsessed with Brian, and Laura grumps. Business is as it ever was.

Love the new men? Prefer tuneless fat men as the representation of Britain’s talent?
Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

Big Brother - Day 13 - June 11th 2007

2007-06-12T00:49:00.000-07:00

Charley and Shabnam sit up all night spewing venomous drivel about Chanelle. It’s not even remotely unpleasant to watch, just ever so tedious and tiresome. Aware that the cameras are on her, Charley decides she will once again be on “the front page of every paper” by having a quick contrived snog with Shab. Let it go Charley, I hardly think The Guardian will snub the G8, Darfur and Gordon Brown just to see your slavering chops attached to some other horrendous wannabe with a Care in the Community Order. Charley must be very desperate…the last person who went within a mile radius of Shabnam’s gob is now in an MRSA induced coma.

The morning comes and it takes all of two seconds after the alarm for Charley to start up again. It’s as if she has a Bitch Switch at the back of her head and someone unseen turns her off at around 4am before she automatically reinstalls it at alarm time. Nicky is on the receiving end because she had too many cigs, or too few. I can’t tell, Charley’s trap is in full throttle, like a rollercoaster with a turbo engine “not been funny yea, but me of all people yea, and anyway yea, I aint even saying that, but you see I dunt even know yea, because” Shut. Up. Idiot.

Seany sports a hat that makes him look like a Smurf, only more hairy and sinister. He’s recovered from his day long perv sessions, I mean Interview Task to help Nicky calm down a rearrange the fridge. Carole sits and eats a banana quietly. I’m quite convinced Carole has laced all of her fruit with some mind altering drug that she managed, allegedly, to get from Tracey on opening night. How else can she stand to watch and listen to the endless, repetitive and not even slightly interesting goings on in the house? She must be off her tits.
Since nominations are due Shabnam decides to wash her clothes, which must be the first time in about seventeen years. Once she has managed to chisel them from their rotting position on the floor, carpet melting slowly beneath, she leaves them stagnating in the bath until Carole declares they are “disgusting” and need sorting.

Gerry decides to indulge in a bit of his own sniffing and lays on Ziggy’s bed, inhaling deeply. I hope to all that is holy and decent that this will not be a repeat of the Anthony-Craig-Anthony lust triangle we endured in BB6. I’m not sure my fingertips could stand another all night gnawing as Gerry coos “I’ll look after you” like a serial killer picking up a drunken hitchhiker.

Ziggy lays under the sun lounger trying to sleep without the constant whirring of Charley’s mouth and Sam and Amanda’s “woo”. The camera zooms in. I’m sorry but no way is Ziggy 26. His skin is leathery. Hard to believe he and I popped out of our mamas in 1981. Not unless his mother got pregnant in 1968 and delayed his birth through hard work and gin.

The twins have been selected to nominate alongside Seany and Gerry. Clearly this was an easy choice, a cop out. Sam and Amanda are so bland, so indecipherable and impenetrable it is impossible to tell who they do and don’t like and if they are capable of independent thought. Will Amanda transmit her scary telepathic twinnish thoughts to Sam when it comes to her turn? Will they nominate one another? Will they both do everyone a favour and nominate Charley? The excitement is sure to kill me.

Chanelle and Ziggy spoon in bed. Again. There is so much slurpage I have to hit mute. How boring are these two? They never have a conversation except for Ziggy speaking very fast and mumbly about nothing and Chanelle saying, “oh, I know”. Even more shocking is the sudden Gerry and Seany flirtation, grins and ear strokes and general burgeoning lust. I honestly thought Gerry would have better taste and I’m still not convinced Seany is gay, not the way his eyes appraise Amanda’s breasts at every opportunity. For the 180th time today, Nicky whines “I’m not going to get stressed about food” before she gets stressed about food.

Carole dances to the alarm, a mass of wobbling flesh and wild hair. She’s the only one so far today holding my interest. Shabnam fishes for nomination news but Amanda and Gerry buffer her annoying talk and discuss Laura’s future career in undertaking instead.

Anyone else bored?

Fascinated by recent events? Worry that Seany is not quite “there”? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

Big Brother 8 - Day 12 - June 10th 2007

2007-06-11T00:50:00.000-07:00

Someone crapped on the floor. Tracey suggests it could be a “small mammal.” Yes, Trace, my money is on Shabnam. Charley thinks she can see a footprint in it. She’s lucky her face didn’t end up in after she spent the night Ziggy baiting, stealing Nicky’s alcohol and allowing the increasingly stressed young old man to deal with the brunt of Nicky’s depression inducing temper. The next day, Nicky and Lesley discuss men. Lesley wants passion. A strange hungry look creeps over her face, the sort of look that could frighten the horses. She knows two men will enter on Friday…she can almost smell them. “What can a man give you?” She asks Nicky. Think about it Lesley. Arrange these words into a well know sentence To Seeing Good Right A!

Carole attempts to occupy the dullards by prizing them away from sunbathing and encouraging them to take part in a sack race. Big Brother scuppers any effort at fun and confines everyone to the house. Ziggy pines for some testosterone company…he finds himself bitching and arguing and talking about emotions, he practically a girl. He worries for Chanelle’s “innocence” fearing she may be “corrupted” although his fears soon die away when a scantily clad Chanelle invites him into bed. Turns out Ziggy is the only one allowed to do any corrupting.

By Friday night two more men are desperately shoved into the house…I’m worried that some over auditioned London himbo who knows Charley from the party scene is about to descend. First in is Gerry a 31-year-old “Greek poof academic”. He’s a gay man who is fed up with boys, over qualified and unemployable. His hobby is basically sex. I sense he is almost a kindred spirit with good old Nicky…I can see them bonding over sugar puffs and ancient civilisation.

Seany, the missing Irish member of Goldie Lookin' Chain is next. He’s a 25-year-old Michael Jackson fan…he even supported him at his trial. A gay man who was “once straight” Seany is a 25-year-old youth worker who hates camp guys and elderly people and dresses like Shabnam's smellier male alter ego. He milks the crowd so much they go from cheers to boos in four and half seconds. Fat legged girls with over bleached hair chant, “Get Charley Out” something duly noted in Seany’s mind. He waits nervously by the door until Sam and Amanda wrestle him to the ground in a rush of oestrogen.

My spidey sense tingles with Seany. I do not like the man…he’s too consciously ‘wacky’ where it comes naturally to Tracey. He’s got narrow eyes and a very cold face…although having said that I’ll probably end up loving him in a few weeks and joining some crazed internet forum of love just for him. I prefer Gerry; he at least has a sense of gratitude, humour and intelligence. I feel bad for slagging Ziggy off now, he aint so bad in comparison.

Tragedy strikes on Saturday when fabulous Lesley Brain decides to leave. She’s too bored to cope and she has smelt the very same bad smell I get with Seany. It’s a pity…she was the only reason I was watching. I blame Seany…he should never have lifted Lesley’s duvet (thank God that’s not a euphemism).

Laura whines and bitches. I had high hopes for Laura but her personality consists entirely of having those “hilarious” big wangers. I’m bored of her twittering on about Ziggy and Chanelle. Her face is so sour she could put herself off food – and that’s saying something. Charley worries about the “Get Charley Out” chants but Nicky tells her to “turn it around”. Nicky dear, Charley would have to save an orphanage of blind one-limbed children from the ravages of fire for that crowd to like her.

My live feed broke down. I really didn’t care. That’s not a good omen.

Love the new housemates? Worry that BO is pungent in the air? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

Big Brother 8: Day 10 8th June 2007

2007-06-08T01:08:00.000-07:00

The trouble with hastily enforced OfCom dictated new rules is that you have to stick to them.

Emily, the blonde empty eyed Hollyoaks clone with the voice like a posh Orville the Duck, postponed her tedious rows with Chanelle to dance in her pants in the garden with Charley and Nicky. She tried to be hip, she tried to be jive…she somehow ended up calling Charley a n***er. Heck! Emily retired to bed and hoped no one saw. Charley and Nicky twittered on about how nothing had happened, immediately piquing the interest of the entire house who guessed exactly what was said. Fifteen worn out Channel 4 Executives sat with their heads in their hands, a vision of Shilpa Shetty’s wholesome tears rushing through their minds. Emily is dragged knickerless out of bed at 3.30am and instantly ejected from the house for her racist remarks.

Lesley is unperturbed. Emily’s “stirring” had met a buffer in Lesley. She reads Big Brother’s laminate explanation with no emotion save a twinkle of superciliousness. Ziggy/Zac, a 26-year-old man of 44 nods knowingly, stating that what Emily said was “not cool” before comforting Charley and rubbing Chanelle’s neck. The mood is one of deflation.

Shabnam Soap Dodger, a woman so mucky Channel 4 already employed her in a series about mucky people, is spared her eviction. Still, in Shabnam Land everything is always “great” and everyone “gorgeous.” “I’m just here for exposure” she opines several times a minute. Shabnam dear, please stop exposing it…I for one don’t want to see it. Big Brother cannot be bothered to continue with Shabnam’s punishment now Emily has gone. They relent meekly and the shower room is opened and skanky Shab finally gets a wash. The colour of her bath water! Ugh.

Vapid Twin 1 straightens Chanelle’s hair whilst Vapid Twin 2 looks on. Charley plays the racially abused victim, “Emily wasn’t offensive yeah, but you know, yeah, she so shouldn’t have said it yeah?” I’m sure Charley thinks this will win it for her, after all it worked for Shilpa. Charley my love, Shilpa had decorum and a career you have a size zero arse and a gob like a rip in the space time continuum.

Carole discovers something dangerously close to a personality, something she has successfully hidden since her entrance VT. She decides to play a trick on Lesley which I somehow doubt will go down well. Tracey flops around the house “‘aving it” and “dealing wiv it” extending her annoying repertoire of adding “age” to absolutely bloody everything; Ruleage was broken, Boobage was on display. Someone had a cup of tea-age. Tracey – piss offage and have a washage!

Laura the woman who apprently needs more food than anyone else (you don’t get fat through need my dear, just greed. And thyroid.) lollops on the sofa in her dressing gown contributing nothing, not even a jolly Myfanwyism. She’s a bit like Jo O’Meara but lacking the reckless edge. Since she was prized away from the fridge by Nicky the Fringe, Laura has offered nothing, not even a small undercurrent of wit. Thank goodness for Lesley, a grumpy bossy old woman who I think I shall model myself on.

With the moronic but strangely compulsive Emily gone, Big Brother really needs some men. I’m a free thinking, future loving feminist and all that balls but please…a couple of Alpha males and a miserable old sod would do the house a world of good, plus Ziggy/Zac, the lipless, leather-faced sh*t stirrer needs someone to call him out. Lesley needs someone who might, just might, get her asides and her jokes. Charley needs another excuse to talk about herself and complain, “I’m not being funny yeah? But…” etc etc etc. Thankfully, two men are to enter tonight.

God rest Emily, long live a man of distinction.

Think Charley is a victim? Trust Ziggy with your life? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

Big Brother 8: Opening Night: 30th May 2007

2007-05-31T02:04:00.000-07:00

So, Big Brother returned, rumours abound of an all-female house, major twists, shocks etc. I idly tuned in, mainly to satiate a rush of self loathing.

The show began with an OfCom enforced apology. Somewhere in Channel 4 Towers I imagine the poor continuity announcer, bound by the hands, tied to a wheel-able armless office chair, shoved at a desk where he was made to read out the ever-so-sincere apology – a grimace audible down the microphone. I searched for subliminal ‘F*ck you OfCom – Jade Goody rules!’ but saw none. I hoped for grovelling, I didn’t get any. I get a feeling the whole summer will be as disappointing.

Davina shimmered into view, all sallow cheeks and leather clad – no more mention of the horror of Celebrity Big Brother. It’s like it never happened! A rudimentary tour of the house got underway, gaudy Perspex, giant beds that promises to “sleep six” and a bath in the living room (tit and arse shots guaranteed). With a panic strewn heart I looked for another House Next Door and I’m sure (hoping) there wasn’t one.

The parade of God awful, brain dead, over bleached and cellulite free morons commenced – almost all as the Daily Star predicted (god, they’re good!) – all women…after a fashion.

First in: 18-year-old twins Sam and Amanda, ‘social work students’ (Gawd help us all) who love pink, shopping, clothes and Barbies. It’s as though someone has trapped the soul of my three-year-old niece into the adult bodies of two berks…and then removed the brain. Cute, like two Bratz dolls left out in the sun too long, the pair jiggled and wobbled, said “luv it, luv it” and “woo” a lot very unconvincingly and finished each other’s sentences. They played the Thick Card, hated ‘chavs’ (the irony!) and proclaimed “everyone loves us!” I highly doubt even their parents are all that keen.
Crowd Reaction: Boos. Of course. Hell, I nearly booed and I was 200 miles away with half an eye on The Apprentice.
Prediction: Out soon. Friday I hope. I’m praying they are one entity and they won’t be forced to be separated, one pining wide eyed at the door as Bozo Twin 2 parties large at China Whites with Nikki Grahame and Calum Best.

Second in: Lesley, a 60-year-old retired head hunter who looks like my Auntie Janet but with a better speaking voice. The VT showed her manicured kitchen. She stood only feet away from a book so she is clearly what passes as the ‘intelligent’ quota and she will, therefore, come to her senses within 72 hours as soon as she spots young Pedro’s* erection in the pool one morning when the twins jiggle in tandem. (* Pedro is stereotypical boy who I’m sure is only hours away from our screens.) Lesley is “unpredictable” and hates to be “messed about.” Er, this is Big Brother. Idiot! I for one an immensely looking forward to one of Lesley’s “temper tantrums.” That might even be worth the live streaming fee. Lesley thinks she’ll win. Get a grip woman!
Crowd Reaction: Boos and a half hearted murmur of disinterest.
Prediction: Will walk, run, flee, escape, take flight, disappear, abscond….you get it.

Third in: 21-year-old Charley, an unemployed and unemployable London “It Gewl” with a boob job that couldn’t be more obvious if she'd had them sellotaped to her arse cheeks. Charley writhed her tiny bum in denim shorts and spouted inane crap about “gahin’ aaahhtt” and “baaayyyin’ cloaves” even though she had no job. She financed her cliché ridden existence through her cousin Kieran Richardson, seemingly the only member of her gene pool with any discernible talent, a Man Utd star who bought her a Mini Cooper. Oh Kieran, if only BMW developed brains, then your cash would have been better invested. You have to question the credentials of anyone who has their own name as a tattoo – are you ever likely to forget?
Crowd Reaction: Boos beyond belief…well, no. Not really I expected them. “Get her out!” before she even went in. Marvellous.
Prediction: She’ll be a grower. I think she’ll become a firm favourite soon. That, or a complete cow. These women, eh? No middle ground.

Fourth in: Tracey, a 36-year-old cleaner trapped in 1991 with her Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Shitcoat, pink hair and love of “getting it in a field” (that meant something so different in 2001.) She ‘danced’ on to the stage and talked about how she liked to get “f*cked and bolloxed” and how much she loves her job. She likes the buzz, hates liars and is a happy person because she’s a “nice person.” She sets off good vibes in me even though I have spent the night worrying she may descend into a Tourettes-lite Pete Bennett ‘worthy’ winner who is ever so, ever so, ever so whacky.
Crowd Reaction: Fairly good. None sexually attractive women always do well.
Prediction: If she doesn’t go crackers and at the prospect of no all night, Acid House raves and no glow-in-the-dark babies dummies on a string, she’ll do well.

Fifth in: Chanelle, a 19-year-old from Wakefield who is a prettier version of Victoria Beckham but with none of the charm or ability to bag a millionaire husband, thus forgoing this reality TV shite. She’s clearly smarter than she likes people to think – a terrible indictment of the 21st century is the perpetual, shameful hiding of intellect under a bushel most media hungry women indulge in. Chanelle wants to “give Yorkshire a good name” - well considering she is following in the footsteps of Justine (Who? Exactly!) and ‘Lesleh’ (dumpy gobshite with a heart of stone) it won’t be too difficult.
Crowd Reaction: Pretty girl? Half a working brain? They hate her. Of course. One man bravely cheers.
Prediction: If she is, in fact, not a plant, I think I might like her. I’ll swim against the tide.

Sixth in: Shabnam, a 22-year-old jobless Londoner (Blimey, is there no other city in the entire UK in which to find an unemployed bint?). Shabs is crazy. We know this because she tells us so thirty six times a minute and describes how everyone thinks she’s “nutty” and “mad”. She wears pink gloves, a yellow scarf and shakes her hips like a Nan at a disco. Yeah man! Wild! Her personality is “larger than life” apparently and she loves make up. (Good. Lord.) She likes food and thinks she talks sense. Why do I see her at the centre of a lot of rows?
Crowd Reaction: A relative cheer, hardcore boos. She acts like a knob and gets many more boos.
Prediction: I somehow sense antipathy.

Seventh in: Emily is a 19-year-old drama student and is exactly how you would imagine a 19-year-old drama student. The possessor of misplaced self worth, arrogance and an immediately irritating voice, she seems the sort of girl men will love and girls will hate. She’s one of those well- off types you encounter at university who can’t understand why your daddy hasn’t bought you a brand new car yet despite the fact that a) daddy ran off with a teenage neighbour when you were six or b) he’s still into “manual work” and can’t even afford his own teeth. She looks like Peaches Geldof but with a face you don’t want to punch quite as much. She wants to meet a Pete Doherty type in the house. Don’t be stupid woman! After bullies, racists and trans-gendered anorexics do you really think Endemol would stoop so low as to recruit skanky smack heads as entertainment? What am I saying? Yes. Yes they would. (Kidney? Anyone?)
Crowd Reaction: Half boos, half-hearted claps. Silence, mainly.
Prediction: Errrr? Nowt really. Nowt.

Eighth in: Laura, a 23-year-old nanny is basically a chubby Emo who has forgotten that smiling and pink are banned by the Emo MySpace Massive. Laura is instantly nice but then, so was Grace last year (gulp). Laura is fattish so women like her. She also has a caring job, a cute accent and a sense of self-deprecation (last spotted in 2002 with Alison…only five years in the waiting. Good grief). She wants the dead to look “nice” and she talks quickly like a Welsh Vicky Pollard. She’s fiercely anti-smoking and pro-cooking and has embraced a long lost little known concept called fun.
Crowd Reaction: Good. Cheers, mainly.
Prediction: Difficult. Mid ranging, I think.

Ninth in: Nicky, a 27-year-old admin worker. She has a big fringe and a small frame. Adopted from India into an Irish Catholic family, she loves to smoke (oh now I see the conflict aspect...racism was so last year, smokingism is the key). She’s “sick” of men and seems quite grumpy. I like that. As someone of a similar age and job role as Nicky, I can smell an affinity but I think the best (worst) is yet to come.
Crowd Reaction: Silentish, one boo, two claps and a cheer.
Prediction: Difficult. Last two weeks. I think.

Tenth in: Carol, a 53-year-old Londoner (yawn) who’s the obligatory bisexual. I met a podiatry assistant one called Beverly who wore cat emblazoned jumpers, no make up and a beard and was a passionately fervent “equal rights for caravaners” campaigner. Carol could be her sister. She shakes her fists limply, is also unemployed and used to be a ‘health worker’ (how very generic). She says “facking” a lot just so we know exactly how passionate she is. She does look like a woman who prefers the company of cats but she is, in fact, a campaigner to save local hospitals, stop nuclear testing and end all wars. Carol is a novelty; an opinionated cause caring female who worries not a jot about her appearance. I don’t know what to do with my face. She’s so rare; Bill Oddy should be studying her.
Crowd Reaction: Good. They love her. She still acts like a tit, like your mum on drugs.
Prediction: Dunno why, but I suspect an early eviction.

A man is going in on Friday, just the one. I pity the poor penis-less fool. It’s not only the (previous) women who were stereotyped. I can somehow already see Pedro the Prick gazing absently at Twins in Pants. Meanwhile over on BBC1 Sir Alan Sugar fires the largely blameless Naomi in favour of the chinful, frog like gimp Simon – a man who, though amusing, is summed up in one simple word: Tosser.

Think Big Brother is on to a winner? Would you want to be the only man in that house? Worried that Simon is guaranteed the job? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

Property Ladder and The Apprentice - 18th April 2007

2007-04-19T01:21:00.000-07:00

Property Ladder, a show guaranteed to get the blood pressure rising in sheer annoyance saw Simon and Dave convert an old medical centre in Bristol and Mark and Kate convert an old massage parlour in Northampton.

Mark and Kate were two self satisfied smugly annoying bozos, over quaffed and toe-curlingly accented (“oh yah, the propeeerrrtyyyy will be a challenge”). Naturally I despised them due to envy, who on earth has £192,000 as a budget? How do I find one of these multi-millionaire backers with a distinct lack of interest and wholehearted trust? Moronic Mark, a small minded man with an inferiority complex refused to listen to the near billionaire property developer Sarah Beeney when she advised against knocking down the existing build just to throw up some other God awful construction. Even gimlet-eyed Kate began to despair.
Mark, who displayed the personality of a dead gnat, twittered about the “difficulties” of property development (Hey, go work in Tesco, idiot!) yet steadfastly refused to follow any advice from the Beeney and her property minions. No, Mark, why would you need a qualified project manager to run your crappy little empire for you? Not when you can wander around in a hard hat looking like a bulldog licking a thistle. Chinless gimp.

Simon and Dave, who decided that even the council planning department would not get in their way, began work in earnest. Despite the planners insisting on some changes, Simon and Dave’s apartments were stunning, beautifully finished and sold with ease. I was almost glad for them except I was consumed by jealousy.

Karma sought out Mark and Kate and they failed. I was even more glad at this.

The Apprentice stumbled to the screen with an underwhelming whimper. The heavily scripted, over dramatised, media graduate produced show saw Ghazal and Adam head up their teams with the brief to design, make and sell sweets at London Zoo. Jadine, the fire breathing, nostril flared loudmouth found herself on the same team as Tre, the lizard like arsehole with a superiority complex. I waited for the predictable fireworks. Thankfully, they did not come.

Adam, a little ray of sunshine if ever there was one, was overwhelmed by posh Katie and simple Simon who dominated the plans. Ghazal, a doe-eyed fawn like woman with an incredibly fast voice, fared not much better, pulling worried faces and uttering the tedious “I’m not here to make friends” catchphrase pontificated at least every three minutes on this show.

Adam wanted organic sweets until he heard the price, and quickly opted for the most unnatural ‘natural’ orange lollies known to man – essentially a solid sugar blob on a stick that sells for £2. The bespectacled manipulator extraordinaire Natalie, ignored Adam’s orders to name the lolly “Tiger” and she instead opted for “Natural” which only caused Trading Standards and a million yummy mummies to have a nervous breakdown when they contemplated the E numbers within.

Ghazal and Jadine attempted to make chocolate with pathetic consequences after sending Tre and Christina out to look for lolly sticks in London that came in batches of less than 1000. Things were tense but Ghazal stuck her head in the ground. “There are no problems. Everything is fine” with a surly curl of the lip and throbbing veins in her neck began to protrude. Their lollies sold for a sickening £2.50 each and sold quickly, especially when Tre targeted fat people and Christina force fed the kiddies.

After informing all parents that the lollies were basically toxic, Adam’s team sank further when, dressed as a lion, he scared several small children to death and Sophie the physicist became consumed with bizarre morality and simply couldn’t sell the crap on a stick to worn out, financially strapped parents. People are not Sophie’s forte; she’d rather consider dark matter and the concepts of time travel.

Adam’s team eventually lost by a measly £10 and the increasingly loathsome Ghazal gloated away. I was convinced that Adam was a goner, his bickering with Natalie and his inability to answer a question was beginning to look like curtains. Sophie however got the boot. Sir Alan, it seems, despises morality and scruples – whether you miss your family or hate to harass parents for the umpteenth time, it's not good enough "in the business world". Tre and Christina, on that basis, will go far.

Would you ignore Sarah Beeney? Are you here to make money, not friends? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

Coronation Street - 2nd April 2007

2007-04-02T13:33:00.000-07:00

The day of Tracy’s trial verdict (and the shock had all but diminished thanks to Les Battersby’s alleged drunken outpourings to the press last week). The biggest shock I got was how Claire and Ashley Peacock’s stairs managed to move from the middle of the living room to the front door. Now, Jason Grimshaw might have been able to handle Charlie’s client list single handed as well as his baby daughter, but even he couldn’t move a flight of stairs in half an episode with no mention or mess.

While we anxiously (frustratingly) waited for la Barlow’s demise, we were treated to more of Liam and Leanne’s flirting which really consists of Leanne gurning and contorting her voice into the sort of high pitched squeal only dogs can hear, and Liam’s incoherent slack jawed rambling through his hair. I still can’t decide if Liam Connor is really, really annoying or quite attractive and really, really annoying.

Tracy, glossy haired and revenge oriented, fluttered into court after barely acknowledging her young daughter, grimacing and scowling – determined to punish her long suffering parents. “Miss Barlow is an accomplished liar,” the prosecution counsel declared in her summing up. She’s not that accomplished! Every time she tells a lie she smiles and giggles with a theatrical glance to the side – it’s a wonder the jury was ever needed – she might as well have walked into court in a T-Shirt featuring Charlie Stubbs’s smashed-in skull and the words “It Was Me” emblazoned across her chest.

The aforementioned jury was a veritable public sector wet dream…men, women, young, old, Sikh, Muslim, Chinese, White – I couldn’t see a one-armed pension aged bespectacled lady or a mixed race blind man with a white stick but that’s nearly every other box ticked.

Les was right (allegedly) and a very predictable guilty verdict was reached (there has to be a moral majority somewhere – this isn’t EastEnders you know!) and Tracy got life with fifteen years minimum. Heck, she’ll be 45 when she gets out, maybe even older. Jim McDonald went to nick for mere, justifiable manslaughter and has never been seen since. So much for Kate Ford’s ‘open door’ contract. I doubt we’ll see her anytime soon, not with her current head, at least.

Think Tracy should have got off? Amazed by Deirdre’s tearless crying? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

Doctor Who & Any Dream Will Do - 31st March 2007

2007-03-31T13:11:00.000-07:00

Doctor Who returned after being endlessly trailed for the last few weeks. I had my excitement levels ratcheted up earlier by scuttling over to YouTube to watch the full series trailer, just to get a squealy fan girl look at The Master. The first episode was always going to be a foundation laying enterprise where the audience were introduced to The Doctor’s new sidekick, junior medical doctor Martha Jones. Martha’s hospital was the setting, mainly because a backwards black cloud sucked the building up to the moon.
Martha was remarkably unfazed, although she has lived through the Cyberman invasion and some weird spaceship over the Thames so it was understandable. The moon was overrun with the Judoon, rhino type monsters in fetching contoured body armour, who isolated the hospital to try and screen out a human looking blood thirsty Plasmavore hiding amongst the Earthlings.
Being of alien stock himself, The Doctor was in danger but the Judoon tracked down the Plasmavore, in an old lady guise, before abandoning the humans to a booby trapped MRI and diminishing oxygen levels.
It all ended well, naturally. Martha went back to her younger brother’s birthday party, and a predictable family row. The Doctor however was smitten and couldn’t keep away from young Martha – not after he managed to plant a crisis kiss on her back on the moon. The unflappable Martha gladly stepped aboard The Tardis and flew (according to the sneak peek) into the past with The Doctor.
In all, it was a good episode, tightly plotted with nice knowing nods to past episodes (for the army of Geeks who’d be happily emailing Russell T Davis the flaws otherwise). There were some cute one liners too – the usual David Tennant charm and Martha’s quip regarding the Plasmavore’s Stig like henchmen (‘aliens? Where from, planet Zovirax?’)
Freema Agyeman was more than competent, a charming and marginally less annoying companion for The Doctor than Rose, and with much more chemistry which I will look forward to watching develop. I’ll return to the series I imagine – just to see how much better it can get.

Any Dream Will Do repeated last year’s How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? (Where they found Connie “I-can-do-eight-shows-a-week-oh-no-I-can’t-I-have-a-sore-throat-again” Fisher.) Here they auditioned several nubile young men for the part of Joseph in a revival of Rice and Lloyd-Webber’s Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Lloyd-Webber ‘scoured the regions’ for raw talent. When I say scoured I do, of course, mean he was chauffer driven. When I say regions, I do, of course, mean he ventured all the way to Camden, London. (And I still labour under the illusion that the UK is made up of so much more than the grubby capital.)
Toothsome twinsomes John Barrowman and Denise Van Outen helped chair the panel with pudding faced vocal coach Zoë Tyler and doddery Everton chairman Bill Kenwright. Every candidate sounded the same and seemed to look one of two ways – scruffily handsome and rugged or fresh skinned pasty faced pretty boys.
It was almost entertaining in a laboriously repetitive way. Thankfully it is something I’m sure I can dip and out of. If I can be arsed.

Can’t understand the fuss over Doctor Who? Love West End Musical more than life itself? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

Life on Mars/Interview With a Poltergeist - 6th March 2007

2007-03-07T01:06:00.000-08:00

Sam Tyler had to endure yet another episode of Life on Mars where he was right (‘it’s not the IRA!’) but his belligerent colleagues refused to believe him until he had irrefutable proof. Surely by now even his misanthropic, racist boss Gene Hunt would have stopped in his tracks – just for a moment – to wonder, ‘why is this guy always right?’

Hunt was determined to thwart on IRA campaign by arresting anyone whose surname began with an “O” – before indulging in a bit of ‘Paddy’ bashing. Now, I don’t remember the 1970s – mainly because I wasn’t born (the parents were only nippers) but I always imagine it to be brown and dingy yellow and the Life on Mars set certainly seems steeped in these grim tones. Maybe on the first day of 1980 people had to be treated for shock because they saw the colour red for the first time.

Already half way through what is the last ever series, it is difficult to know where this will go – will we ever find out why Sam Tyler is in the 1973 coma – if that’s what it is? And if he suddenly wakes up, won’t it be ever-so-slightly contrived? Still, I can only trust in the excellent writing so far, even if Sam’s coma trauma tends to manifest in sinister TV characters and an irritatingly smug mystery caller on a brown bakelite phone. The best line of the night was in the pub when Sam tried to explain why a traumatised Ray was behaving oddly, “He’s got PTSD” he said. Hunt was appalled. “He’s a bloody hero, and you’re saying he’s got the clap!”

Interview with a Poltergeist, followed up on the story of the ‘poltergeist’ found in North London in 1977 where furniture, fireplaces and children alike were thrown across various rooms. Seeing the original police interview of the time only served to make Life on Mars seem like a biting piece of 1970s realism – “W”PCs with flicked hair and clipped accents and scruffy looking men with bushy unkempt collar length mops and beige tank tops.

The scariest thing about the whole show was not the undoubtedly weird ‘paranormal’ activity but the state of one the girls, Janet Hodgson, now – skeletal, pale with long witch-like hair, she spoke through sallow cheeks with all the clarity and articulation of Pete Doherty after a heavy night in China Whites. I’m hoping this is less a result of heroin and more a result of long standing physic trauma from being dragged out of bed of a night by an irate dead pensioner.

The fabulous looking paranormal investigator, complete with crazy moustache and bottle-bottom glasses, had sadly died by the time the programme was aired. Hopefully for him, the riddle of that house has now been solved since the show left the viewer with no answers at all and a frustratingly balanced perspective.

Love the 1970s? Believe in ghosts? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

Most Haunted Live - 24th February 2007

2007-02-25T14:41:00.000-08:00

Saturday’s unhealthy dose of post-Victoriana tosh began with a recap of the ‘creepy’ events of Friday in Transylvania where Karl (husband of Yvette) and Stuart (cousin of Yvette) saw an apparition that spooked them so intensely they were forced to flail, flap, wobble and squeal. The camera, and indeed the levelheaded viewer, saw nothing. “I’ve an overwhelming urge to throw myself over the balcony" Stuart opined. Don’t let us stop you, Stu. Kath (hairdresser of Yvette) was ‘terrified’ although the Manc-voiced, turtle mouthed make-up girl is often terrified even by an innocuous sneeze and a mouse taking a pee.
Saturday had a buffoon-like Paul Ross gurning crazily as the Nosferatu-like Julian Clegg gabbled nonsense about a “massive response” from the public which I can only imagine is the 300 drunk folk who text in of an evening to claim that they have seen “a little girl” (why is it always a little girl?).
Someone, incredulously unnamed, catches two girls in a large room walking followed by a shadow of a marching man who emerges from the floor to follow the girls. The para-psychologist cannot explain it – Yvette gets excited…to me it’s a deeply unsubstantiated mobile phone video clip that needs a lot more cross referencing that old ‘historian’ Lesley seems incapable of performing without Google and Wikipedia.
Conveniently a séance in the very same room produced a barrage of orbs (or, as I like to call them, dust) and Karl being semi-possessed by an evil entity who hated David Wells (they always hate poor David, these spirits. How can anyone hate the camp, sweet smelling, overweight Scottish psychic/medium?) Stuart's legs, just as conveniently, stop working…the same Stuart who was beaten, strangled, assaulted, possessed and laughed at by ghosts on previous series. Time to call it a day and apply to Coronation Street again, Stu?
Sadly for me and the other 506 viewers, Vlad the Impailer does not make an appearance. He may have been a Romanian speaking, child hating, pensioner stabbing maniac who loved a bit of black pudding of an afternoon, but even he can remember the horror of Yvette Fielding on Blue Peter circa 1992 and decided an eternity in Hell was preferable to a live broadcast in front of a load of drunken sceptics, excited believers and a bored-looking Paul Ross.
I cannot, despite my best intentions, tear myself away from Most Haunted. Yes, its looks fake, yes its melodramatic, yes Yvette is a pain in the backside, yet the show is frighteningly compelling...as though David Wells has cast some scary psychic mind control spell over me and I cannot switch over until an actual ghost shows its face. There’s an old museum near me more haunted than a Harry Potter chapter…I might email Yvette and Karl and see if they’ll pop by – I may even volunteer my services as a spoon-thrower…I mean, enthusiastic sceptical reporter.

Think Yvette and Karl are honest? Can you fake more convincingly? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

Waterloo Road and The Verdict. 15th February 2007

2007-02-16T03:37:00.000-08:00

Waterloo Road is largely and enjoyable viewing experience despite its many, many flaws. There seems to be a distinct lack of drama on any channel at the moment that deals in anything close to reality. The ‘concept’ drama is still very much alive and, in my opinion, had outstayed its welcome. Waterloo Road has at least one foot in the real world and has a smattering of believable characters – the cynical old History teacher, the spinster French teacher, the irritating expelled student with a face you could take ratting.
Unfortunately a few too many worthy ‘issues’ are creeping in and gathering, riot style, into the one same episode: pupil-teacher crush, lonely teacher gets MS, stressed mother goes into tragic premature labour, ex-junkie goes home to her sinister step-dad, teenage girl raped in bushes, 17-year-old boy begins illicit tryst with 30-year-old secretary…Still, the authentic moments shine through and that makes it almost worthwhile. I’m quite hopeful the issues will resolve ad a bit of human drama may surface.

The Verdict had too much human drama – so much so I thought I might end up having a nervous breakdown. The show was incredibly depressing, yet frighteningly real. The biggest problem for me was not the very predictable young-girl-roasted-or-raped-by-grubby-footballers trial, it was the ridiculous jury. I’m sure the BBC was trying to highlight the very real difficulty and responsibility such a trial holds, but choosing a jury that would never pass the selection stage was simply pointless. An ex-footballer with a penchant for girlfriend beating and dogging? An angry ex-rapper cleared – eventually – of murder? A campaigning mother who’s child was herself raped and murdered? An ex-MP jailbird who himself lied in court? A woman who began a world famous sex-toy shop? Come on! Most people with dull and colourless lives would struggle with such a trial but neither the ‘victim’ nor the ‘accused’ can have felt any confidence when they saw that bizarre group of ‘representatives’.
Naturally all charges were acquitted and, surprisingly for me, the jury did do their best to remove emotion and follow the facts only – but the truly harrowing aspect of the entire show was that at least 75% of the jury felt that the victim had been raped but couldn’t convict the accused for a very minor – but very real – reason. It appears that burdening a rape victim with a very public display of disbelief is much easier to live with that burdening a guilty party with prison purely on a technicality.

It’s no wonder the conviction rate for rape is dropping. If any potential future rape victims watched The Verdict, I doubt they’d even bother phoning the police – and who can blame them?

Bring back comedy. Please? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

10th February 2007 - Dancing on Ice & Primeval

2007-02-10T12:43:00.000-08:00

Dancing On Ice glittered onto ITV1 with lacklustre sparkle. Though I can enjoy this show even whilst comatose in a wine fuelled stupor it lacks something and I’m not entirely sure what it is. Let’s be honest, ice dancing isn’t actually dancing at all is it? Sliding along in tan tights with a fixed grin whilst a perma-tanned, sequin dipped young man flings you though the air, legs akimbo with gusset flashing, isn’t really the same as the Nutcracker Suite or a pulsating, dramatic Tango. Still, it was okayish.
Duncan James who, if the Dictionary was pictorial would have his face appearing next to the definition of ‘smarmy’, had strangely big hair, an orange skin tight top and a disinterested looking partner. Poor Stephen Gately was admonished – probably quite rightly – for not only not dancing but also for not moving, not smiling and not ‘connecting; to his partner. Kay ‘The Bulldog’ Burley seemed only too keen to connect with her partner, the lovely Fred, who looked as though he’d rather remove his own teeth with a toy plastic hammer than let young Kay perv over him for much longer. Fairly, Kay and Stephen polled the lowest scores where as thinning-haired, thickly-chested ex-rugby star Kyran Bracken stormed the top of the leader board with his amazing ability to slide on one knee and bend simultaneously as he danced!

Primeval followed. Clearly aiming for the roaming ever-so-slightly despondent Dr Who/Robin Hood crew, it began with the standard humour and intrigue fair. A scientist (Douglas Henshall), his loyal student (James Murray) and an irritant know-it-all interloper (Andrew Lee-Potts) head into the Forest of Dean to investigate a large hole in a fence and an apparent errant dinosaur. Meanwhile, a lizard loving zoo girl (Hannah Spearitt) decides to venture into the same forest where a young boy found a computer-generated lizard.
I thought I’d give this a go for two reasons. 1) I know Andrew Lee-Potts in real life quite well and he’s a nice bloke and 2) I was hoping Hannah Spearitt could undo the awful image ex-S Clubbers now have in my mind since grubby Jo O’Meara showed her miserable gob on Celebrity Big Brother.
After a lovely looking Home Office worker (Lucy Brown), who bares an uncanny resemblance to Henshall’s dead/missing wife, turned up I knew I was watching a sub-standard X-Files/Torchwood business with scheming characters, annoying kids, time portals and banging music – yet it was surprisingly enjoyable and I haven’t seen a Douglas Henshall performance yet that I didn’t like.
Trouble is, no one in the Home Office is as young or as pretty and Lucy Brown and…I’ve been to the Forest of Dean and the only thing of any creepy note I encountered was an over enthusiastic old man obsessed with fingerless gloves and onanism.

Still, quite a good night in with ITV1.

CBB5: Day 26: 28th Jan 2007 - Final Day

2007-01-28T17:34:00.000-08:00

They all wake but become locked in bedroom until they are told to gather in the kitchen for a dominos task. A 90-minute task involving a long snake of dominos that must reach the diary room door and ring a bell. (Fascinating!) They pass and get a Pamper Hamper. Ian tries to straighten Shilpa’s hair by yanking her head off and burning her ear. The housemates have a lunch and sit in silence until they are able to go to the bedroom and pack.

The Big Brother highlights narrator broadcasts live to the house, doing his famous Geordie commentary on what the housemates are doing, as they do it. He then engages them in a game of Simon Says (Marcus Says), which results in more high-pitched screams from Shilpa and Danielle. Dirk walks on his hands, as instructed. Ian puts Shilpa’s sari on.

The end is near. The final meal is eaten and the dishes are left gloriously unwashed. Ian gets hyperactive. (He is 'H'.) The cases go the diary room. Dirk worries that he’ll be harassed in bars for not buying drinks. Clearly losing his marbles, Dirk gives in to Ian’s demands and decides to hairspray his own hair. They sit and wait. I nervously gulp orange juice and curse the day I gave up drinking.

Jack and Dani are first and evicted together…. with a paltry 3% each. They are roundly booed and royally humiliated at their interview. Jack looks dumbstruck and truly horrified…his best bits montage has the song “Who Are You?” and I almost admire Endemol for that…but not quite. Danielle’s brain goes into overdrive; she’s shocked, angry, giggly and then “I’ve learned not to be a bitch!” she claims. I dislike Jo, but Jo got the worst interview of all the bullies, which is hardly fair…Danielle gets off lightly.

Ian is fourth, and still hyperactive. He is the highest placed Brit and rightly so. Though cowardly and simpering, he was balanced, fair and had a genuine heart, in my opinion and he got a lovely reaction from the crowd, which seems about right.

Dirk is third, and he is delighted with 16% of the vote. Dirk gives a great interview, admits his dry humour was lost on most and that he found things tough. He plays his audience perfectly. Davina clearly has a soft spot for him and he is so wonderfully witty and funny I’m going to miss him a lot. I’m smitten, I’m afraid.

Jermaine is second. Even as he heads out of the door, Jermaine is able to utter wisdom and pithily calm words to a nervous Shilpa who inexplicably gets booed. I realise why she was booed when I spot a “F*ck of India!” banner in the crowd! Lovely. Britain is so nice, isn’t it? Jermaine is calm and classy throughout. His interview is great, everyone loves him – hell, I love him and I’m a bitter and twisted young soul.

With a massive 63% of the vote, Shilpa Shetty wins. This is good because she is a rarity; she is a female TV show contestant who is frank, calm, collected, smart, witty, cute, dignified and kind. She is a total rarity – a woman who barely swears, doesn’t need to fart and burp and get drunk in order to gain a personality, nor bear her arse, breasts and ex-lovers for the world to see. The only downside to Shilpa is her quite annoying laugh and we’ve all got them. Heck, I’ve got several. Shilpa also came back with the best put down of any series so far to the odious, fame and status obsessed Jade – “Your claim to fame is this!” I might get it as a ringtone.

I’m glad it’s all over. Dirk, Jermaine and Shilpa were the last three and none was British. This show has proven that the nasty underbelly of Britain – the zeleb crazed, fame hungry, vapid brained, personality-less muppets that manage to inveigle their fake boobs, fake ‘hard lives’ and fake ‘I’m mad me’ attitudes on to any type of TV - are simply vile. Whatever these sour and horrible young men but mainly young women (and old women) represent, they do not represent me. If an apathetic misery like me can stand up to a bully at the age of thirteen – resulting in three of my fingers being broken and my coat set alight (with me in it) – then surely one of those mirthless tripe hounds – Danielle, Jo and Jade - could have discovered a bit of conscience, humility or compassion and realise what they were doing? And how thick to do it on national TV?

Cleo Roccos and Carole Malone appear on the rather dreadful Big Brother’s Big Mouth with the tedious Russell Bland…I mean Brand, not to celebrate Shilpa but to humiliate Dirk once more for saying that the middle-age cleavaged and fat arsed Cleo had, in fact, a middle age cleavage and a fat arse. Not content, they had to stoop so low as to drag Dirk’s personal life and his son into their drunken old lady ramblings. (Like your mum and your auntie after a lock-in.) In yet another fit of pique, I emailed Carole Malone…(last time I had a fit of pique and emailed OfCom, The Press, Carphone Warehouse, John Noel Management and Channel 4, all hell broke loose).

For your delight, or shame…my email to Carole Malone:

Carole

I emailed you earlier in the series to highlight the awful bullying of Shilpa and you seemed to take a lot on board, though subsequently changed your tune – mentioning it in your column.

I’m afraid I told you I enjoyed your column and wished you had stayed in the house. After watching what can only be described as a disgracefully low personal attack tonight on Dirk Benedict on Big Brother’s Big Mouth, I think I must revise my opinion of you.

You support bullies, play down racism, think Cleo’s sexual harassment of Dirk is funny (would you have laughed if Dirk had done the same to an unwilling and clearly upset Cleo?) and then you and that dreadful creature Cleo have the audacity to drag Dirk's innocent 18-year-old son into it, saying he takes after his mother – who you know didn’t raise him, all to attack Dirk?

You have proven that you are a terrible judge of character, which is a crying shame for a ‘journalist’ such as yourself. I thought you were vindictive with Anne Diamond on Fit Club but gave you the benefit of the doubt. I wish I hadn’t bothered.

My biggest comfort is that not only did no Brit win Big Brother; none came in the final three. That has proven that the representatives of the UK that go on these shows – such as yourself - are not remotely worthy. Ian was the only decent British finalist - and low and behold in your column, you hate him!

Cleo, thank goodness, has no chance of a career considering she is not only unfunny, rude, offensive and disturbed but downright boring.
Regards

Think the email was too stern? Glad the show is gone? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 25: 27th Jan 2007

2007-01-27T16:55:00.000-08:00

Danielle wakes and puts on her Sheringham West Ham shirt – if I were cruel I would laugh. She wants to spend the day lying around eating fish fingers. Ian waffles on about acting, trying to convince Dirk to stay in the UK and do a play with him. Ian goes into the bedroom and is attacked by Dani and Jack with a can of shaving foam. Covered in gunk Dani demands to have a shower but Dirk insists he’s next in line. Not happy, Danielle looks around frantically before realising she has no one left to bitch with. Instead she settles for waxing Ian’s toes.

Running out of tasks Big Brother decides to finally use the question box in the living room. The questions that come in are appalling except for the one Jack gets, “Are you silent because you are used to Jade doing all the talking?” Jermaine’s question results in him announcing, “I need a lobotomy” Dirk is asked if he kept any of his Battlestar Gallactica uniform. Dani is asked if she could bring back any of the housemates departed who would it be. “All of them. Even Ken,” she says. She’s clearly missing his “meat and two veg”.

Bored, everyone goes the garden and rolls around in duvets. Dirk watches and tells Jermaine he thinks Jack has a crush on Danielle. Ian thinks Jo will be on the chat show circuit, deluged with offers to sing and act…oh Ian, if only you knew. He then reassures a nervous Danielle that the public will love her for being honest and says there is nothing at all negative about her. A game of blind man’s bluff ends with Ian stubbing his toe and Shilpa fussing around him like a mother hen.

A task seems imminent when the group is locked in he bedroom and they can hear drilling and banging. The task involves the housemates having to make four films…one for each week, a romance, an action, a film noir and a Bollywood musical

The first week movie sees Dirk as Ken, appalled at Jackiey’s farting. Donny’s exist is played out with Jack dressed as Donny – the irony lost as Jack seems to have forgotten Donny left because of Jack and his ‘moron’ girlfriend. The romance is Dirk and Shilpa flirting. Danielle plays Shilpa in true melodramatic style, annoying laugh and “oh Dirk,” sighs included. Jermaine plays Dirk.

The infamous Oxo cube scene sees Ian as Shilpa and Jack as Jade. The row is suddenly funny and not at all the vile, bile infused, headache-inducing nightmare it appeared in reality. Shilpa dresses as Danielle complete with comedy boobs and stupid giggle. Dirk takes on the role of Leo Sayer; breaking out of the house. The week 4 film depicts the relentless wait for eviction in Bollywood style. Jermaine plays Jo, fag in hand and glum face. As Danielle, Shilpa pulls off a hilarious impersonation, screaming 'Teddy!' and ‘fook! I’ve won!’ before she is pulled off stage by a giant hook, held by Jermaine

They all pass and dress to impress for their three-course meal reward. Dirk sings Danielle’s praises thinking she’d make a great actress – you aint kidding, her performance these last two as a nice sweet, easily led girl is very nearly convincing. Jack and Ian hide fruit under Danielle’s duvet. Jack throws something. “You threw a potato at a Jackson!!” Ian squeals. Dirk and Shilpa sit in the kitchen and reflect. “I’ve enjoyed it” Shilpa says. “I haven’t” Dirk replies. Finally everyone goes to bed and, for the first time since the series started, there seems to be a sense of calm and ease. Clearly, the poisonous influences have gone and they can all see the finish line. Thankfully, so can I. Not sure how much more of it I could take, to be honest.

Think Jack should win? Believe Danielle’s Road to Damascus moment? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 24: 26th Jan 2007

2007-01-26T17:53:00.000-08:00

Jermaine wakes early and begins to clean all the dishes and surfaces. I love a clean man, myself. Ian joins him. “I’ve never done anything like this before.” He says. “And I never will again.” I don’t blame you Ian. Jermaine gets carried away. “I’m going to have another cup of tea.” Go for it Jermaine! The tolling bell of doom alarm wakes the sleeping contestants. Danielle screams, cranking up the Nikki impression, Dirk, now in recovery from Cleo-ism speaks about the dream he had where the British public pelted him with stones.

Dirk goes to the bedroom to exercise topless. Jack follows suit, treating everyone to an unwanted view of his scrawny chest and pasty skin. Danielle goes to the garden with Jo who clamps her duvet to her. She has to be in bed wherever she goes that girl. “I can’t wait to see Teddy,” Danielle squeals. Quick, someone catapult a copy of today’s The Sun over the fence and let young Dani see that Teddy has chucked her garb in the street.

Cleo comes and joins the girls. “It depends on tonight’s highlights as to who will go,” she says. Well, there we have it! Now we know why she apologised to Dirk and tried to make her peace. To wind them up Dirk calls Cleo and Shilpa fat and ugly. “We've discovered you're a livewire,” Cleo answers. “I may be a deadwire when I get outta here!” Replies Dirk. Never Dirk…

Back in the kitchen, Jack nearly dies of delight when he discovers what a cappuccino is. Jo claims her bad moods are down to PMT. I’ve never know anyone’s PMT to last nine years but still…Everyone dresses prettily, even Jo. Ian shows more cleavage than is necessary…but Ian needn’t worry. He won’t be evicted. They gather and await the eviction results.

Justice prevails and Jo is announced as the next housemate the leave. Hoards of angry morons chant ‘Get Jo Out’, which she hears…promoting mass panic, faux reassurance and Danielle crapping her pants. Cleo is announced as next to leave. Whatever I’ve said about Cleo I admire her bravery. She fronts out the crowd, boobs forward, head back, big grin and inane wave – dragging Jo behind like a terrified toddler. “They’re booing” Jo whines. “Who cares?” Says Cleo.

Jo has her interview with a tough talking Davina but remains entirely impassive, cold and unmoved by the furore. “I aint a racist coz me cousin married an Indian” – say what? Heaven help us. She’s shown the newspapers, shown the bullying, shown everything but her frozen hard skinned face doesn’t crack. “It wunt that bad.” She says. “I never said nuffin’ racist” she claims after Davina plays the racist clip. Jo is ushered away and I have a nasty taste in my mouth but a sense of pride that the public voted the dreadful woman out.

Cleo is interviewed next. I’ve never seen a more incoherent, bizarre and frankly creepy interview in my life. Cleo thinks Danielle and Jack are the best! She wants to murder Dirk. She didn’t stop the bullying because she didn’t think she could and it needed “a man” She struggles to answer any questions and stares ahead like a rabbit recovering from a road traffic accident. I think I can hear John Noel’s head falling into his hands somewhere off set.

Danielle, distraught that her behaviour may have been seen in as bad a light as Jo’s, cries for an age. She is only cheered when Ian finds a pubic hair on his beer. I don’t want to know how that got there but I reckon Jack may have taken a piss in the bottle, thinking it was Soy Sauce. Danielle follows Dirk and Jermaine outside and chats…in her best babyish voice. Jack joins in a does an impression of a lamb – or maybe that was simply his true self? Dirk is at ease and discusses past loves and mountain lions. “There was a panther in Epping” Jack says. Pity you didn’t encounter it one dark night Jack…Dirk sighs in a way that indicates he’s been here before…. two annoying youngsters talking crap. You can tell he’s a father.

Bedtime comes. Ian pushes his bed net to Shilpa’s. “Dirk’s been wanting to do that for days.” Shilpa laughs. She and Ian discuss Danielle, claiming she is lovely, but stupid and easily led. Meanwhile Danielle bounces on Jack’s bed and playfully punches him before he lamely lobs a shoe at her. Ian finally bores Shilpa to sleep and promptly lays awake, sniffing endlessly for hours.

Want a Jo O’Meara dressing gown? Wish Cleo was your mum? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 23: 25th Jan 2007

2007-01-26T01:04:00.000-08:00

Cleo exercises in the bedroom. Dirk looks on, aghast, from his bed. The A-Team theme is played into the room and Dirk shoots out of bed, with a quick salute. Jermaine makes tea in a very serene way. All housemates crawl out of bed to see what awaits them in the larder. Cleo takes the opportunity to bitch to Ian about these now infamous “lies” Dirk is meant to have told, though what these are is anyone’s guess. Cleo’s obsession with Dirk is as unbalanced and as unwholesome as Jade’s was with Shilpa. Danielle runs to the toilet with loo roll in hand, screaming “My backside is gonna burst!!!” Lovely!

Danielle later decides to cooks something she deludedly refers to as “shepherd’s pie” although it looks more like the remnants of Dani’s earlier backside explosion. When lunch is over, the boys and Shilpa go outside. Jack offers Shilpa his jacket. What? That boy scares me sometimes. His jacket? Meanwhile Jo and Cleo embark on some more Dirk slating. “He repulses me” Jo declares. Please Jo do you not see the irony in any of your statements you dog breath stinking crusty fingered hound? Danielle and Jack remain outdoors struggling to fathom out what clouds are made of. Hmmm is it Bimbo and Himbo brain matter?

Just as the tedium is about to kill me, the housemates are called to the bedroom “until further notice”. Pearl of wisdom number 3 from Jack: Wee on your hands to make them soft. No wonder he likes Jade. She seems the sort to stink of pi$$. Finally, everyone is called to the dining table and Dirk reads out the latest task:

“In 2007 a crack Unit is sent to Big Brother House. Rewards must be retrieved by using the tools provided with ingenuity”. Ingenuity? They’ve come to the wrong house. A strange lump of trashy crap sits in the living room (not Danielle) and it seems the inmates have to fish the junk out after creating fishing rods.

Shilpa wins a bear, Dani some doughnuts; Dirk goes for whiskey and a salmon that has been scraped on the floor…. Cleo some bath stuff. Jo won’t take part, claiming she “dunt want nufin’ or nufin’” which I’m sure she will stick to religiously when demanding Dirk’s booze! No, within twenty minutes she’s begging Dirk for some of the whiskey. Jermaine is determined to win a battered old bag (not Cleo, but a suitcase). First £10 shoes and now an old suitcase? That man sure is frugal. Ian gallantly wins some tacky looking jewellery for the girls.

Dirk laughs “Is that a dog collar? I wonder if Jo would want that.” Referring of course to her dogs and not her good self. Ian attempts humour “don’t you just love it when a plan comes together” he says somewhat predictably. There is an audible groan.

Dirk cooks the skanky fish despite Jo’s moans and Jermaine’s look of horror. Everyone then returns to the bedroom with their “goodies” Shilpa waxes Jack’s legs…and he screams like a ‘gewl’ – Dirk decides to join in to which Cleo declares, “I love you Dirk! I’ve hated you these last 3 days but I love you now.” Run Dirk. Run like the wind! Flee! “I prefer the hate” Dirk grimaces. Instead they hug, in a rather lacklustre fashion.

Realising that being an unreasonable, stroppy behemoth can make you successful, as it did Nikki Grahame; Danielle decides to throw a massive hissy fit because she didn’t win any nail glue. Jo, just for a change, decides to laugh and torment Dani. Suddenly Cleo’s spine starts to show! What? Cleo who couldn’t give a toss that Jade nearly thumped Shilpa for weeks on end? Cleo’s simpering gets worse. “You must make up with her, Jo” she says. “She’s very sensitive”

Without warning Cleo launches into another sad-old-lady paean to the late Kenny Everett, her “soul mate” which has everyone in tears – even me…well nearly. Dirk cooks his salmon to perfection, it’s like a work of art and everyone – even the idiots appreciate it. Danielle’s ‘shepherd’s pie’ is discussed with brevity. Cleo and Dirk bond over their mutual dislike of it.

An obvious divide forms again. Jermaine and Dirk discuss world affairs and pressing international politics. Cleo and Jo discuss Danielle’s vomiting. The grown ups go to bed again, and Shilpa settles down to meditate. “Knock off the meditation I want to talk to you..... Every time I want to have a serious conversation you meditate” Dirk teases. “You’ve had 23 days to wake me up in the morning with a gentle shake and say ' wake up Dirk I'm hungry, I want you to make me some soup ....... but nothing'” He laughs.

“Where did the old Dirk go to today, you've changed and it's nice?” Replies Shilpa before nodding off. “Ah a little of my real personality maybe sneaking out” Comes the reply. Jermaine smiles to himself…the tepid flirting is the only the keeping him going. Hell, it’s the only thing keeping me going.

Glad it’s nearly gone? Worried for Cleo’s mental health? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 22: 24th Jan 2007

2007-01-24T16:50:00.000-08:00

I hope for rocket launching air craft: everyone else hopes for snow over Elstree. Ian and Jermaine are excited then immediately disappointed. The snow lands everywhere but the Big Brother garden. Shilpa, who has never seen snowfall, dives out of bed and bounces into the living room, shrieking. Ian wanders around with no top on, despite the sub zero temperatures, giving Cleo an unwelcome eyeful of his painfully erect nipples. Shilpa gets a ball of snow and runs into the bedroom showing it to her dozing colleagues as though it is a shiny diamond.

Jo is - shock horror surprise - grumpy from the moment she wakes. She complains that Shilpa is excited. She complains that it’s not snow it is in fact “ice” (what the hell do you think snow is, Jo love? Frozen water = ice – its not difficult, is it?). “I was in the middle of a great dream…” she whines. Let me guess…did it involve fags, laying on your back and a stinking dressing gown? I had a dream too once Jo, it involved you being evicted to massive boos, total vilification and a throng of angry egg pelters.

Cleo joins Prostrate Jo to bitch about Dirk’s alleged lies. How a ‘comedian’ like Cleo cannot tell a lie from a sarcastic statement is beyond me. Shilpa wears an ill-advised low cut top. Jack’s eyes fall out of his head. He quickly retrieves them before they drop out again when a scantily clad Danielle hoes into view. Cleo re-dyes her hair and tongs it into electric shock style. She looks like Ziggy Stardust - as he is now. Dead. “Are you going to shower...again?” Jo moans at Dirk. “I think there might be a surprise eviction with my name on it. They can say: he came in clean and he went out clean... though he was filthy in between” Dirk replies – to nobody’s amusement.

Dirk goes for a lie down and Dani cracks open the wine, at 2.30pm. I can’t say I blame either of them. Cleo wants to get evil again – now she knows how good she is at it she won’t let it go. She and Jack the Plank plan to but sugar in Dirk’s soy sauce, knowing he can’t eat sugar. Honestly…can it get pettier? I’m actually longing for the days of Sezer and Shabaz now – that’s how bad it is getting. Worn out by her machinations, Jo goes for a sleep – in the same room as Dirk! How does she cope!

Another task is set. Ice cubes are stacked in the garden. Inside each ice cube is a token and each housemate has to lick the ice cubes until they reach the token. Cue Jo whining, Shilpa squealing and Dani complaining. Dirk prefers it the assault course. Everyone gets a pseudo-ski suit to wear, which is lucky as the ice cubes are the size of breezeblocks. They all begin to suck on the cubes and I’m suddenly overtaken by a desperate need to vomit. Shilpa finishes in record time. I don’t know what that says about her sucking abilities, but it sure isn’t a good thing. Jermaine quickly follows. Dani and Jo aren’t happy (Really? Never!) because they can’t get their tokens out without touching the ice.

Shilpa tries to encourage Dirk but it told off by Big Brother. Jack unwittingly releases a barrage of filthy double entendres to Dani as she struggles on – Jack watches her sucking abilities with his eyes on stalks once more - there's hope in them eyes, I tells ya! Everyone retrieves their tokens and Big Brother announces yet another party to follow. Gawd help us, I’m not sure I can bear either the tedium or the spine shivers I get from Cleo’s cold dead eyes as she plots more nastiness against Dirk.

Jo, seemingly psychic in between complaining, claims that the public “hate” her and she’ll be evicted next. All housemates wait for the nomination results and Jo is proven right. She, Cleo, Dirk, Shilpa and Ian all face a double eviction on Friday. Ian and Shilpa look gutted. Ian’s done nothing to be ashamed of and Shilpa thinks she’s suffered enough already. Jo and Dirk couldn’t give a toss. Cleo’s expression is as fixed as usual…must be the botox.

The party is a ski style do with ice sculptures and manky food. Shilpa and Ian bond. I know Ian is gay and everything but he too seems to have fallen under the Shetty Spell. She’s like a siren that woman…even Jack Sprat can’t take his eyes off her and he “hates” her remember? Dirk has a moment of irrationality and announces he thinks that Jack can win! Coming to his senses, Dirk goes to bed early, Cleo’s steely gaze following him every step of the way

Not long after, everyone bar Ian heads to bed too. Ian sits in the lounges looking at his Steps photos, hugging his knees and weeping. I know how you feel Ian. I found a picture of me on the beach at Bridlington the other day that made me heave! My thighs! My thighs!

Is it boring or is it me? Travesty that the ‘racists’ get to the final? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 21: 23rd Jan 2007

2007-01-23T16:32:00.000-08:00

Jermaine awakes early and proceeds to snip the tops of his hair so he has a perfectly straight, square head. Cleo, the opposite, stumbles out of bed like a sad lion that has lost her prey. She looks forlornly at Ian and Shilpa who seem to have formed such a sweet bond. Cleo tries to enter the conversation but becomes simply embarrassing again. Ian does a humorous audition to get a part in Shilpa’s next Bollywood film. The rest of housemates wake up to the sounds of a crane moving and someone on the roof? Is Donny back? No, just some lacklustre Channel 4 employee trying to inject some excitement.

Dirk bemoans the domination of femininity on TV. I think Dirk is feeling emasculated – not really surprising after Cleo’s attentions - anyone's would retract. The housemates sit down to do the shopping list – when I say housemates, I mean Shilpa who cannot resist taking the lead and quickly scribbling down her need for OXO cubes. Ian wrestles some control back and they deliver the list to the diary room. Cleo watches Dirk exercise outside before making more sly digs at him to a disinterested Jermaine.

Shilpa and Cleo make chips. Danielle is shocked that potatoes are vegetables. Jo lies on her back – for a change. Finally there is a call for nominations. After the relatively predictable nominations, Shilpa finishes the evening meal to which everyone sits and eats, making ‘mmmm’ sounds. Funny, I thought they didn’t like her cooking – what with her using her fingers an all.

The evening comes and Big Brother decides to be nice the housemates, offering them £10 each as long as they can find something treat worthy for that value. Dirk wants whisky. Jo wants hair dye…it’ll take more than that Jo my love. Shilpa wants caviar. Ian gets excited. “We can get face masks” he exclaims. “You really are gay, aren’t you?” Dirk laughs. Jermaine munches on popcorn and tells all who will listen about his antique furniture. Sadly for Jermaine, only Dirk and Shilpa will listen. Dirk is fed up. “It’s tedious,” he complains. Tell me about it, Dirk.

Ian joins Dirk and Shilpa outside as an unfortunate Jermaine is collared by Danielle in the bedroom. Dirk is on hilarious form as usual (not that the editors of the highlights programme want anyone to see this). “I have a cardinal rule...never, ever, ever, have a romance with someone you work with.” He says to Ian. “Did you stick to it?” Ian wonders. Dirk nods. Shilpa jumps in, “If I was working with you, would you be able to stick to your rule?” “Absolutely NOT!!” Dirk laughs.

Jo, taking a well-earned break from moaning and smoking, peels her crusty bathrobed arse from the sofa and joins Dirk discussing the initially rumoured potential housemates. Boris Johnson crops up, and Jo – quelle surprise – has never heard of him because she “dunt do nah politiks an awl ‘at malarkey!”

“I've heard him speak, he very funny and very droll.” Dirk says. Jo doesn’t know what droll means. “A dry sense of humour” Dirk assures her. “Oh like me?” Jo exclaims. “No the exact opposite, not at all like you.” Says Dirk…the beautiful irony of the entire exchange completely missed by everyone but me.

Not content with mocking the lesser mortals Dirk moves on to Jermaine. “I hope my life is still there when I get out. You hope your wife is still there when you get out...” He laughs. Luckily, a bright and shiny toothy grin breaks out on Jermaine’s face.

Another task is set…contestants have to answer questions about one another so that they can win the chosen treats that housemates selected. Oh dear, this is going to show who does the talking and who does the listening…fireworks? Again?

They are locked in the bedroom. To entertain people, Shilpa decides to read their palms. Jack is first but he quickly leaves with a look of horror. Be afraid Jack. You’ve seen your future and it aint pretty. Shackled to a Goody and sprogs with considerably less cash. Heck!

When they are finally let out of the bedroom, a Mastermind chair is set up in the living room. Cleo goes first and answers questions on Ian and gets three right. Well, Ian is lovely but he’s not exactly fascinating so it’s a wonder she got three right. Dirk has to answer questions on Jo. That should be easy. There can only be questions on soap dodging, whining and smoking surely? What else is there on Jo? Yes or no – does Jo stink of dog? With a sense of inevitability, Dirk fails when asked who Jo's role model is. “Linda Blair?” He answers, referring of course to the head-spinning, projectile vomiting monster in The Exorcist. Thankfully it goes over everyone’s heads.

Danielle has to answer her questions on Jack. Well now, can’t be too hard. How long does Jack’s ‘excitement’ last? What is Jack’s other job apart from gold-digger? How many times has Jack uttered the word w*nker in relation to other housemates? Whatever the Jack questions are I’m not sure because my brain cannot be prevented from switching off until I’m awoken by the squeals of a spluttering Dani as she returns to her friends.

Poor Jermaine has the unenviable task of answering questions about Danielle. Jermaine has spoken to the girl, to be fair, the trouble is he only understood 25% of anything she said – like the rest of us. The inevitable questions about Liverpool emerge. He’s very calm and wise as usual. Sadly, this means Dani gets her treat of vodka. Please, no! More of the drunken, vulgar, foul-mouthed and nasty Danielle? I don’t think my stomach can bear it.

Jack has to answer questions on Shilpa. He forgets that her name is actually “c*nt” and calls her “sexy”. Somewhere nearby I can hear another window smashing at Jade Goody Towers, as she flings her TV through any of the remaining glass that the “vandals” left. Scarily, Jack knows Shilpa’s birthday, and of her karate abilities. Hmmm, does Jack have a secret crush? You always hurt the one you love.

Jo has to answer her questions on Cleo. Considering Jo has spent most of her bitching time giggling with Cleo like a pair or psychotic hedgehogs, she does very well and wins Cleo her hair dye. Finally, Shilpa takes to the chair and has to answer questions of Jermaine. She’s as attached to Jermaine as Jo is to Cleo, and Jermaine really wants his £10 shoes – though how she is supposed to know his inside leg measurement is worrying. Jermaine is delighted when Shilpa passes. £10 shoes Jermaine? Come on! You’re a Jackson!!

Jo, Shilpa, Jermaine and Dani pass so their subjects get their treats. Jack, Ian, Dirk and Cleo fail…now we know who doesn’t listen when people talk. At least Dirk has the excuse of being deaf and Jack the excuse of being thick. With a sense of repetitiveness, Dirk and Jermaine, the elder statesmen of the house – go to bed as the rabble rousers continue their fractured jollity into the night, stopping only to bitch about Dirk. Who else?

Think Cleo is of sound mind and character? Want a pair of Jermaine's £10 shoes? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 20: Jan 22nd 2007

2007-01-22T16:18:00.000-08:00

Ian runs around the garden. Dirk is grumpy again in bed – which is hardly surprising after witnessing a jiggling Cleo back-combing her hair. It takes all of thirty seconds for Jo to complain. “I can’t function properly,” she whines. Well never mind that Jo, why don’t you treat yourself to a lie down and an hour-long bitch session? Oh, and a fag! Danielle and Dirk stay in bed – separately of course. For the first time in probably her entire life, Dani asks questions and listens to the answers. Dirk explains the intense cold in Montana and talks with some enthusiasm for the first time in days. Dani is almost concentrating.

Shilpa refuses to learn her lesson and decides she will make another curry – with the dreaded chicken! Danielle says she will help and pick the onions out of hers – not with your fingers surely Dani? We don’t know where they have been. You might make yourself sick. Jo finally manages to walk a metre before collapsing – exhausted – onto the sofa. “Something doesn’t feel right today.” She says. The better part of me would like to think this is Jo’s conscience catching up with her. The not-so-nice part of me realises Jo probably has no conscience.

Jermaine tells Ian, Shilpa and Jack a fascinating story of his career and its downfall. Much better than the endless burps, farts and bitching. If only Big Brother could have more than this. Round 9000 of Dirk baiting gets under way when Cleo manages to convince the girls that Dirk didn’t want to change his sheets this morning. How Jo can be shocked at this is anyone’s guess. Not only has she not washed since entering the house, I doubt she’s even changed her underwear since 2004. Only turps will prize Jo out of the bath robe.

Big Brother sets another pointless food task. The housemates have to be “Showgirls” and learn a choreographed routine before performing it that evening. Dirk looks up at the routine on the plasma, horrified. I can’t see much but it involves feathers and, unfortunately for Jo, movement. Everyone except Jermaine (who wisely prays instead) gets up to rehearse under the steely glares of Shilpa and Ian. Jo, Shilpa and Danielle protest about the costumes being too revealing. Good God, if Danielle thinks something is revealing then heaven help them.

Jo is annoyed that Shilpa is taking the lead and has to have another sit down so she can bitch about the actress and trained dancer (a trained dancer teaching dancing. How selfish and evil!). You know Jo, you could always lead. I’m sure Jo is actually waiting until there is a task where everyone has to look sour faced, perma-smoke and lay on their backs with a face like a bust sofa, then she’ll take the lead no probs! Jo sucks the life out of everything…I’ve never seen a more moany and negative housemate and I include Nikki in that!

The task gets underway. The girls have to wear feathery headdresses making them look, according to Danielle, like ‘squashed canaries.’ Dirk and Jermaine look like ring masters in some demented and downright disturbing circus. Which of the others is the circus elephant? Jack? Well, elephant turd perhaps. Dirk and Jack fail twice but since this is only 4 fails in total Big Brother determines they pass – though I’m sure the coven can find a way to make it entirely Dirk’s fault and conveniently forget Jack is there (although…haven’t we all?).

Another predictable party follows with more food and booze. Dirk, now browbeaten into the role of grumpy old man can no longer stand the jibes and sneers from “bitter human vulture” Jo (phrase stolen from one of BB’s own ‘psychologist’). He retires to bed. The rest stay up ‘partying’ until the incredibly dangerous and exotic time of 11.30pm! Heck, I’d be worn out if I had to keep hours that long and wild! Thankfully, once they’ve all gone to bed, I can turn the tripe off.

Getting as grumpy as Dirk? Find Jo scintillating and inspiring? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 19: 21st Jan 2007

2007-01-21T16:14:00.000-08:00

The housemates awake, tentatively. The alarm in “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” which I desperately hope is a clue. Cleo pretends she was as annoyed by the rabble-rousing youngsters as Dirk was before she gleefully grins to her cronies, “Dirk will be so annoyed today.” Suffering an attack of conscience or desperate attempt to fly under the radar of irritating muppets, Cleo un-hides Dirk’s soy sauce – the same sauce she encourages Jack Brain Box to squirrel away. Jack and Ian go outside. “I used to run for Essex” Jack claims. What? Do you mean you used to run away from the Essex Constabulary? Jo moans – again. Jo O’Meara’s mouth exists for only two reasons, one to spout foul-mouthed depressive crap and the other to have a permanent fag stuck in it. “I’m going back to bed,” she whines. “I need five minutes.” Jo, my love, you need half a tonne of Prozac, some serious counselling and a good slap.

As though they have heard my anxious pleas, Big Brother decides a humour task is needed. Housemates have to make Big Brother laugh by using a box of props decided by the powers that be. Cleo is in her element. Once she has a wig she has to remain in annoying character for the rest of the day. Ian echoes the sentiments of everyone, “I’m bored,” he says. “I wanted a real task.” Danielle is called to the diary room. She returns after five minutes to state that she failed to make Big Brother laugh. No shit!

Jo, by some unfathomable feat, claims to have made Big Brother laugh. I’m sure you did Jo. Big Brother was laughing because you were actually upright for the first time in 19 days. Somehow Dirk fails to make BB laugh…funny really considering he is the only housemate to make me laugh all series. Jermaine passed his task. Now I like Jermaine, he seems so calm, level headed and decent, but he isn’t funny. I cannot wait to see what he did to make Big Brother laugh. Cleo, a woman who seems to believe inherently that she is funny, fails the task – as does Jack, naturally

Shilpa gives the coven of bullies some chocolate so, rather than being grateful, they blame her for not giving them any sooner. Jo, who rapidly resembles Waynetta Slob, and Cleo the Clown wait until Shilpa has gone to the bedroom so they can slag Dirk off again. I honestly do not know what these women do with themselves when they have no one to hate. Dirk is amusing himself in the bedroom with Jermaine and Shilpa, overjoyed that Big Brother didn’t find Cleo funny. “She hasn’t a funny bone in her body. And it’s her job to be funny!” He laughs.

Although not everyone was funny, Big Brother gives the housemates a party anyway – a sign of desperation if ever there was one. Everyone has to sit in the living room and watch on the large screen each other’s attempts to make Big Brother laugh. Ian cringes but his isn’t the worst of it. Cleo’s embarrassing attempt is broadcast next, clearly another dig at Dirk – but no one laughs and it seems as if something has dawned on Cleo – yes, Cleo you are not funny. Hanging around a funny man from the 1980s doesn’t mean you are funny. She rushes off to the bedroom when Shilpa’s genuinely funny clip is shown and everyone – even the bitches, laugh.

Later, when the grownups go to bed, Jack enthrals all with tales of the exams he has to take to be a football agent. When I say enthrals I am, of course, lying. Cleo utters more tripe about what a wonderful and talented person Jack must be and how he’ll walk the exams. I’m sure he will Cleo provided you get 75% for answering your own name, and even then I think he’s in trouble. Jack sighs. “I’m worried about the talking to Davina bit.” He says. I can see why – talking isn’t Jack’s strong point unless he’s going to call Davina a c*nt and a w*nker.

Everyone bar Ian goes to bed. Jo is suddenly worried. “I don’t want to be a big star,” she says. “I just want a career.” In a bizarre moment of irony, Shilpa reassures her “You’ve done nothing wrong. Your behaviour in here will be reflected outside.” No kidding Shilpa dear. Jo’s behaviour, to you especially, is exactly what she does need to worry about.

Hanging on for dear life? Ready to give in and read a book instead? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 18: 20th Jan 2007

2007-01-20T17:58:00.000-08:00

Dirk gets a shower. Jo is shocked that he has used soap. I doubt Jo has ever had a shower, let alone seen soap. “Let me smell you,” Shilpa says to Dirk. Seeing his perfect opportunity, Dirk goes in for the kill and pulls Shilpa into a cuddle. Cleo, desperate for some Dirk action (aren’t we all?) suddenly decides to squeal loudly and pretend to be superman, but Dirk only has eyes for one and it aint Cleo. Sensing that Shilpa may be off limits, Jo, Danielle and Cleo realise that, as an outlet for their insensible rage, Dirk is next.

Dani laughs pathetically but Dirk isn’t fooled. “No,” he says. “Real laughing.” Dani is too stupid to understand. Dirk has had everyone sussed since day one. Dani wants to put his hair in bunches using bobbles but this is like a foreign language to Dirk – what are bunches and what are bobbles? In fact, what the hell is Danielle?

Jermaine is glad that Jade has gone as he too has seen her malign influence. “People out there are good.” He says as though his faith in humanity has been restored. Shilpa feels uncomfortable that she survived over Jade. “She told me she had a huge fan base.” She says incredulously. Well Shilpa, I doubt she ever did – another media myth – Propaganda Department care of J. Noel Management.

Cleo dresses up as her alter ego Tiara and drapes herself over Dirk. Everyone laughs but Dirk is not impressed and tells her to leave him alone. Shilpa takes her to one side but Cleo isn’t happy. “He can dish it out but he cannot take it.” She moans. Funny, Cleo I don’t recall Dirk wearing a red wig and throwing himself on a disinterested party. Ian and Jermaine, both very wise men, refer to the coven as a “clique” and Ian is especially upset that the group are still unable to get on.

Things turn nasty again. Jo spits more bile about Dirk smoking in the house – what? I’ve never seen her without a fag – even when she’s suffering an oh-so-convenient ‘panic attack’. Jack reckons he’ll snatch Dirk’s cigar and flush it down the toilet. You wouldn’t dare – maggot boy! Dirk sits outside alone looking glum. Shilpa joins him. “I told Cleo to stop,” he says. “She crossed the line. The bigger the front the bigger the back – she is the opposite of what she pretends to be.” Dirk is very wise. The house is simply a poisonous place with its poisonous inmates - Jack, Jo, Danielle and now Cleo.

Jermaine thinks it would be best to dispense more of his sage like wisdom and tell the girls to leave Dirk alone. I sense this won’t work Jermaine, not if you are banking on them having any respect, decency, humour, grace or morality. The bitching is relentless. Dirk goes to Diary Room for hours. Cleo and Jo are delighted that he may leave. Shilpa tries to defend him. “He’s missing his kids. He’s been through a lot. His cancer…”

“So what?” Jo snaps. She just gets better doesn’t she? Charming individual. Everyone should have a Jo – makes you feel instantly better about yourself. You might be a miser with a crap job, fat arse and drink problem but at least you aren’t a bitter and twisted young woman with a massive face, wrinkled brow, hygiene problem and severe depression.

Big Brother sees that the housemates (and the viewers) are bored and provides a table football. Hell fire, will the entertainment never end? Dirk goes to bed. Shilpa wishes him goodnight in an attempt to flirt but he’s not in the mood. Something must be wrong if he can’t even manage a flirt.

The grown ups go to bed and Cleo; rapidly turning into the new leader of the ‘pack’ decides to put in yet another plan of action to wind up Dirk. “Let’s hide ‘is ‘wassaname” Jack enthuses. Excuse me, say what? They decide that everything Dirk likes they’ll hide. Cleo’s hell bent on waking him and, true to form, with her drunken minions in tow a play fight breaks out in the bedroom, waking a cranky Dirk. Danielle and Jack get close – oh dear Jade and Teddy, hope you are watching. Jack’s hands get busy with himself…again! Jo grins, well I think it’s a grin but its hard to tell when the subject looks like a bulldog licking a thistle.

Danielle takes her lip liner into the loo and scrawls something on the door that Cleo and Jo laugh at. Hmmm, I wonder what? A swastika? A comedy penis? A “nominate Dirk” signal? This is literally eyeball bleeding, rib cracking, head spinningly bad. Channel 4 has been so terrified (or cunning) to act that they don’t know what they are doing. Hey, Endemol, heads up! I’ll give you this one for free…put everyone up for eviction – scrap pointless and influenced nominations and lets have a double kick out on Wednesday so any of the Jo/Jack/Cleo/Danielle gang can go…either that or, when another helicopter flies over the house, please ensure it is a Chanook with many, many missiles.

Want the see the housemates bombed? Does solvent abuse suddenly seem tempting? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 17: 19th Jan 2007

2007-01-19T17:41:00.000-08:00

The housemates awake to music. Dirk and Cleo dance like embarrassing parents at a wedding. The false friendships (due to Diary Room coaching) continue. Jade and Shilpa hug again weakly. Danielle pretends she’s an innocent victim led astray. Dirk and Shilpa continue to flirt – everything has the whiff of false jollity to it. Dirk tells a joke about sharing his name with the Pope but the housemates don’t get it. Wasted. Absolutely wasted he is. Jade continues to live in her world of delusion and pontificates to loathsome Jo that the ex-S Clubber will have so many offers and no matter what has been said “there is an excuse for it.” Nice. “You’ll have to use your fame while you can.” She tells Jo. Hmmm. I’m sure Jo would make a lovely poster girl for the BNP. Fame, at any price!

It is a very tense day. Jade and Shilpa are told that they are up for eviction. Neither is remotely surprised and there is more faux hugging. Shilpa starts to pack. “Don’t pack,” Dirk says, his face worried at the prospect of losing his crush. “The public are voting. You don’t need to pack.” God bless Dirk. Jack walks around with a face like a bust clog. Why is he there? What is his purpose apart from to give me indigestion?

They are given a task – performing music with no instruments. The men have to wear bow ties and Jack looks like a creepy version of Pee-Wee Herman. Ian looks lost and afraid. The task is, let’s be honest, bloody awful. Big Brother’s hilarious joke about “bringing harmony” shows exactly what it wasn’t supposed to – there is no harmony in that house and never will be.

Finally the eviction comes. Shock horror! (Ahem) Jade is booted with 82% of the vote. No crowd, no noise “for her own safety.” Davina looks stern. The big question: will Davina bottle the interview? After all she has the same agent as Jade and is notoriously lenient on the nasty housemates (Lesley? Grace?). With the entire world’s press watching her, Davina did a surprisingly good job. Showed the reaction, mentioned racism, made Jade answer the questions.

Jade, as ever is unrepentant. She doesn’t look ashamed, she doesn’t seem to care. She utters platitudes about being ‘sorry’ and ‘ashamed’ but its all balls! The supposedly ‘live’ interview has a poorly edited cut in it – Jade wasn’t interviewed live at all! Don't lie again Channel 4. She’d been out for an hour already and – methinks – locked away with her PR girl and agent, she’s perfectly primed and ready for anything.

True enough, as soon as the interview is over there are a million stories flying around – Jade sells story for £500k to News of the World – proceeds to charity! Jade’s mum is really a Muslim? (Yeah, a pork eating beer drinking breast flashing one at that!) Jade fears for life! Jade is being manipulated really!

Oh please. If this whole furore has proved anything it is that no one person is ever bigger than the show that made them. But more than that, it proves that a channel should never underestimate its viewer and that ultimately, the viewer decides what the viewer thinks is acceptable. If Jade Goody inc. still exists after this in the same grubby way it did after her last bout of bullying five years ago, society is in the doldrums.

Do me a favour Davina? Give Jo Clinical Depressive and Danielle Dimwit the same harsh treatment since…in many ways, they are worse than Jade because they have also been fed the same spin, Jade is Great – only they are so thick they actually believed it and thought it would help them.

The evening ends with more of Jo’s depression and her desperate need to hide Shilpa’s knickers in Dirk’s bed – she’d do it too if she wasn’t too lazy and unwashed to get off her backside. (Has anyone seen her vertical yet?) Danielle has a deluded moment, again. “I’m not a bitch.” She says. Oh, go away you moron; you are making my brain bleed.

Feel like you need a wash? Rushing out to buy Jade's perfume? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 16: 18th Jan 2007

2007-01-18T16:29:00.000-08:00

Jade awakes and treats everyone to her flaky skin. “I’ve got the flakiest skin in Britain,” she declares. Oh, I see – that’s how she is ‘infulenchal’ then. “Skankanasi” she giggles with her lap dogs following suit. I’m so paranoid now by the hysteria I may or may not have started that I analyse everything the girls say. Is Skankanasi racist? In the kitchen with the civilised folk, Dirk is on top form. It is a pity that we haven’t been able to see much of the lovely Mr. Benedict – all that bitching has subdued him and all his wonderful comments get left out. Dirk discusses the earth and sun in orbit. “Don’t tell them,” he says to Ian, indicating the bedroom where the bitches lay in their own filth. “They’d find it too complicated.” Don’t worry Dirk, Jo, Jade and Danielle are only interested in what vegetarian’s poo smells like and how many times a normal person farts.

Boredom sets in. The housemates are advised to stay out of the garden due to high winds. (Insert Jackiey joke here). Meanwhile, on the outside Carphone Warehouse pull out of sponsorship and cite racism as a reason. Channel 4 issues a statement once again claiming there is no racism. There’s none so blind as them that won’t see. Dirk bursts a blister, which seems to horrify Cleo. Ian makes a glove puppet. I’m attacked by guilt because not only did I post Channel 4, Endemol and The Sun’s email address I also posted the Carphone Warehouse’s. Tis all my fault! (Nah! Not really. Honest!)

Dirk misses Leo. “If Leo were here, none of us would have to talk to each other.” He talks to Shilpa however…cue more flirting. “I’ll ask BB to give them a candlelit dinner.” Ian remarks.

There is something afoot and it stinks. The bullies seem to have been briefed and Jade spends many hours in the Diary Room – always emerging in tears…suddenly she wants to apologise to Shilpa – in that unique way of blaming Shilpa and never drawing breath. They make their very tepid peace and hug weakly. Things get tense and everyone worries. Cleo suddenly decides that Jade is the best thing since sliced bread and will not have a word said against her.

Jade spends yet another eight hours in the Diary Room and comes out, explaining to the group that she heard a “familiar voice” in there and things are “bad” for her in the outside world. Sorry, but I am struggling to find any sympathy with her – you reap what you sow. The other housemates don’t get it; half delighted they are off the hook and half outraged. Cleo wants to protest. Cleo wants to wake Shilpa up and march her to the diary room to declare – again – there was no racism. To her credit, Shilpa goes back to sleep.

I have a nasty feeling that there will be a backlash against Shilpa…the whole show is a farce. Cleo, so adept at fence sitting, has come down firmly on the side of the bullies without acknowledging the very real hatred they have spewed for a young woman whose’ only crime is to want to cook and to not want to talk about farts.

The day ends with the biggest display of hubris I have ever witnessed. Jade talks constantly about what a success she is and Cleo – never able to comfort Shilpa in quite the same way – lodges herself firmly up Jade’s backside. When you peak Jade, there is nowhere else to go but down. Jack’s little brain is thinking, “How can I get out of this, and fast?”

Feel a bit sick? Want the fun BB back? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 15: 17th Jan 2007

2007-01-17T16:13:00.000-08:00

Jade’s rant, that seems to have gone on for about seventeen years, has caused unrest. Again. Dirk tries to diffuse things by talking about salad vegetables but gets the shock of his life when he opens his rice to find worms in there. Shilpa’s fault probably – along with my car exhaust going caput and those escapees from prison that were on the news earlier. The tension is palpable.

A wise man once said to me, “you get the face you deserve” and I think he is right. That is why Shilpa looks stunning and Jade and Jo look like…well, you know. Few people talk until Danielle gets an attack of ‘scripted’ guilt (or a tip off). They bitch again, despite Danielle hugging Shilpa with faux remorse and friendliness.

Nominations go ahead. Everyone is glum. I’m glum. I’m not sure I can watch much more of this. On the news, some fellas in India burn an effigy of what they claim is the show’s producers but could, quite honestly, be anyone. All effigies look the same to me! (Is that racist?) It’s so obvious that Jade and Shilpa will face each other in a vote off but Endemol refuse to confirm it.

Instead the housemates are given yet another pointless art task where the divide is only heightened more. Jack treats everyone to some witty insight, “is vomit ever blue?” For the love of all that is holy, that boy is sure a catch! Speculation is rife across the world – are more housemates going in? Is it a double eviction on Friday? Does anyone actually give a toss anymore? Did I actually start the mass hysteria by posting OfCom’s email address first? (Don’t tell anyone).

The art task ends as predictably as is possible. Booze is given out. The youngsters minus Ian drink and get vulgar in the living room. The adults minus Cleo have civilised and humorous conversations in the bedroom. Maybe I’m getting old, but I really don’t want to watch a bunch of morons burping, farting and talking about poo. I’d rather listen to lovely Dirk talking about being stabbed and his dog being eaten by a lion – or Jermaine’s tales of growing up in the Jackson house.

The sensible housemates retire whilst the tipsy muppets teeter around the living room entertaining no one but themselves. I get a tinge of sympathy for the poor Endemol camera staff who have to film this sh*t before brining myself to my senses when remembering what they get paid…from gullible phone voters.

Jade out? Shilpa out? Cancel the show? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 14: 16th Jan 2007

2007-01-16T16:15:00.000-08:00

Everyone gets up late and fusses about breakfast. I know people are on basic food rations but seriously; black coffee and museli really are not that engrossing. “This is my tenth wee this morning,” Ian declares. Cheers Ian, although, in fact, that is probably the only interesting thing that will be said all day. A chicken arrives which Shilpa wants to cook! Step away from the chicken Shilpa, learn your lesson! I blame Big Brother. For the love of all that is good just ban chickens!

Jermaine and Dirk go and talk in the garden. Jermaine reveals his kids' names. Jermaine Jr, Jermajesty, Jordyn and Jesus amongst them – his ninth child (9th – I thought he only had 8?!) is called Dave. Dave? After all those alliterative and frankly ridiculous names, child 9 gets Dave? Did he get bored at the registry office? “Well, when you get to your ninth child, it doesn’t really matter does it?”

Jade decides to use Shilpa’s face bleach to make Ian’s fringe blond. She asks to shave his chest too, but Ian wisely refuses. Ian ends up with a huge ginger spike in the middle of his forehead. Now we know why Jade’s salon lasted all of two minutes. Shilpa, now the subject of some ‘insider mole’ speculation, decides to go to the bedroom to help Jermaine with his clothes. She waxes lyrical about Dirk and what a “nice man” he is. Oh, the only nice thing about this painful show at the moment is the sweetly innocent ‘love’ blossoming between Dirk and Shilpa.

Jack and Cleo are called to the Diary Room and there is mass panic. Jade worries her beloved has been taken. If only, Jade, if only. The rest of the housemates are quickly called the living room when a helicopter can be heard outside. A message from The Sun? You betcha! When Cleo and Jack return, Cleo has an awfully red face. Oh no, Jack didn’t get too overexcited on her leg too, did he? The pair of them refuse to discuss their visit because Big Brother has told them not to. Nominations do not take place. Ian and Jo fall asleep – separately – only to have the alarm sound.

Dirk gets mean and masterful and claims if there are “any grumblings” over dinner he’ll leave. Danielle panics about the outside world, insisting to Cleo, “I’ve done nothing wrong!” Oh Dani girl…if only you knew. Meanwhile in the outside world one hundred million people complain to OfCom and a further four billion complain to Channel 4. Racism and bullying in the BB house dominates the news. MPs raise it in parliament. Anti-bullying campaigners declare Jade a bully. TV shows go crazy. Bandwagon? People power? You decide!

Back in the house where everyone remains oblivious, Jade tries to convince them that Shilpa is the mole. Dirk is not convinced and states that it must be Jade because she “came in late, forced people out, always claims this or that will happen and then mentions moles.” Dirk is too popular to be questioned. He cleaned the toilet out so everyone loves him. I love him. A man who cleans the toilet? Perfect.

Jade deciding that she’s is going to be boss and not Shilpa, uses three out of four of Shilpa’s remaining stock cubes. Shilpa isn’t happy as she only ordered those (and some veg for Jermaine). Jade doesn’t care she rants and raves like the howling banshee of unreasonableness that she is – with Dumb and Dumber laughing in the background. “You aint no princess here!” Jade shrieks. “You’re a liar and a fake!” she screams over and over and over and over and over. Shilpa remains remarkably calm; how she does it I don’t know. If I were in that house, Jade Gobmonster would have been wearing her own teeth for earrings by now. “You know what Jade?” Shilpa retorts. “Your claim to fame is this show! Well done!” Ouch. Brilliant.

Being as ignorant as is physically and mentally possible, Jade continues to bitch and bitch and bitch with Jo Manic Depressive and Danielle Dipshit. Shilpa remains calms and plays with the grown ups, Dirk, Jermaine and Ian in the bedroom. Cleo, the human jellyfish, flits around refusing to believe anything is wrong anywhere in the world. But then, this is Cleo a woman who was in love with a gay man all her adult life. A woman who can actually bear to talk to Jack for more than thirty seconds without wanting to vomit. Note to producers: Cleo is not of this world.

When the grown ups have gone to bed, Jade, Danielle and Jo begin to whisper but its too high pitched and painful that even Jo’s dogs would struggle to understand. BB sees all though and the girls are called one by one to the Diary Room. Hmmm, I smells a rat. Endemol running scared? Warning the girls about the outside world’s reaction? Sorry to be cruel, but the bullies made their stinking nasty beds, let them lie in it, says I! Obviously after the ‘warning’ turns out to be a tip off the girls are given booze. I’d like to think the producers are hoping the girls will hoist themselves by their own petards, but it stinks like a reward for bullying,

I’m more than a little proud at people power…bullying and racism, no matter how borderline, are wrong and should be pointed out. I’m not even too concerned if Big Brother doesn’t return. The last four years have consisted of nothing more than arguing and nastiness and quite frankly, it is tedious.

Did you complain? Do not care in the slightest? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 13: 15th Jan 2007

2007-01-16T01:44:00.000-08:00

The morning after the night before. Cleo wanders around in her Land of the Fairies, refusing to believe anything bad happened, and states that “a bridge was made.” Shilpa and Jade however, do not agree. “I cried a lot.” Shilpa tells Jermaine. “I wasn’t nasty.” Jade tells Danielle. Jermaine and Ian are perplexed and annoyed. “Bullying.” Ian says. “The girls are bullying Shilpa. She can’t do anything right.” Jade doesn’t care anyway; she made Shilpa cry and is proud as she relays her tale of victimisation to Jo and Danielle. “I get articulate when I argue.” She says proudly. No you don’t Jade; you get nasty and tend to resemble an obese warthog on the verge of a psychotic episode.

Dirk decides to cook lunch and, miraculously, there is no bitching about his food. Everyone is full of compliments, including Shilpa who decides to give Dirk a hug before telling him her makes her go “weak at the knees.” Altogether now…aaahhh. Big Brother reaches a new level of ineptitude and set a task involving a “red carpet” event and “dressing up”. Oh dear lord, when will it ever end?

Everyone gets to dress in ill fitting dinner jackets and evening gowns. Dirk looks remarkably handsome. Jermaine looks like a doorman in some salubrious underground drinking establishment. Just when my worry that some dreadful new Lauren Harries style housemate is about to be introduced, Big Brother decides the celebs need to tackle a “VIP Assault Course” in their gear.

The housemates fail their task. The evening consists of sniping over food, whining and Jo having “an asthma attack” (she recovers from the attack by smoking 40 more fags and blames Shilpa! Naturally.) I get too annoyed to continue my blog and write an email to Endemol in disgust instead:

Dear Endemol

I never thought it could much worse but you have surpassed your own very low standards set with the re-introduction of Nikki last year.

So, you are faced with a mass of OfCom and Channel 4 complaints, angry callers, Dave Gorman’s genuine comments on BBLB and internet forums in uproar because Shilpa is being systematically bullied, belittled, isolated and victimised by your employee Jade Goody (yes, we all know her agent is the same as Russell’s, Davina’s and Dermot’s) and her gang. Yet, you drag in some clearly inexperienced ‘psychologist’ on to that excuse for a show “Big Brain” to tell us all Shilpa is to blame for her own bullying.

Excuse me? Do you watch your own live feed? What a wonderful message…get picked on, left out, humiliated and destroyed but it’s your own fault kids. I might try that at work tomorrow – I’ll call my admin a girl a “f***** b****” and then tell her, when she becomes upset, it is her own fault because she actually comes into work each day and anyway, it must be her fault a ‘psychologist’ said so.

I know you have some serious Jade Goody damage limitation to do. We’ve seen the snarling harridan in action and her hench muppets, Jo and Danielle. You can issue all the pointless statements you like about how Big Brother would never allow bullying; it’s just “girlish envy”. Yes, in your sweet little Goody land where every thing is Jade, I’m sure it was all just harmless girl fun!

Shilpa is a “dog” “wants to be white” and is a “f*****g idiot?” Her accent is mocked, her culture is mocked. Jack calls her a c*** and a w****r. Jo says that Indians are thin because they make themselves sick from undercooked chicken and she “doesn’t know where their fingers have been” and yet you still insist there is nothing racist happening? So, have some courage then and show the word Jack said that you were forced to bleep. Don’t try and tell me it was the C-Word – you’ve shown that before now. The very fact you refuse to show what he said, that you refer to relentless bullying as “girlish envy” and that you get that drip Dermot O’Leary (Jade’s colleague) to then pin the blame on Shilpa really has me wondering what you are trying to hide.

Dave Gorman, John McCririck and others have tried to raise the race issue only to be shouted down. What are you so afraid of? Oh, yes – the truth.

I expect your Endemol co-workers will populate the eviction crowds too so that Jade (who literally pays their wages) can get a cheer whilst the nation still reviles her - note: we reviled her after BB3 too and we know the ‘psychologist’ told her to change tack then. Being in Heat magazine constantly with your belly out does not mean the public like you! I imagine the Endemol employees on overtime on Friday night are also instructed to boo Shilpa…because she dares to be the victim of bullying. (Sorry – that’s her fault, isn’t it?)

I never held your company up as a bastion of good morals and human decency, how could I? You resurrected Noel Edmonds for goodness sake? But please, this has to be an all time low even for you. I suppose if Danielle took to goose-stepping and swastika painting that too would not be racist, just a bit of ‘harmless girly fun’

You blew it, if truth be told. If you had never brought in the Goody rabble this show would have been dynamite and you would not have had these accusations levelled at you.

I expect your usual standard response…so I shall send this to you as many times as is possible, and to Channel 4 and maybe even the press. Shame on you.

Wish you’d never watched Big Brother? Enjoy mindless bullying? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

2007-01-16T01:13:00.000-08:00

CBB5: Day 12: 14th Jan 2007

2007-01-14T18:22:00.000-08:00

Shilpa makes chicken again. Danielle is annoyed, as she wanted to make the roast. Danielle is allowed to do the potatoes, which turn out to be burned and greasy. Hmm, perhaps it’s best you don’t cook the chicken. Jade, Jo and Dani decide they have no option but to sit in their coven and bitch because “Shilpa’s only doing this to get her own cookery show.” Get a grip Jade, not everyone is as mercenary as you. The chicken isn’t ready in time for the vegetables, so everyone eats the vegetables first. Dirk is happy, he’s managed to fry some tofu and chat to Jermaine – he’s not getting drawn into the vipers’ nest. Shilpa's nerves are frayed, "I won’t cook for anyone again then.” She says. Unfortunately I imagine Jade, Jo and Dani will manage to bitch at her for not cooking, especially when their daily ration of ten fish fingers begins to make them bilious.

Big Brother decides to set a task that sounds even more pointless than the inclusion of Jack Tweedy. Housemates get to ask Big Brother questions and Big Brother reserve the right to refuse to answer. Good heavens, the excitement is sure to kill us all. I have a question Big Brother, why oh why did you bring Jade back when it meant losing Donny and Ken? Are you secretly trying to destroy the show?

Jade’s questions are typically intriguing. Why do we have eyebrows? How do Eskimos make babies? Do mermaids exist? When did we go from grunts to language? Well, some people never did, did they Jade? Cleo decides to liven the disparate groups by dressing as Dorothy Montgomery, holding court to her audience of monkeys. Dirk is too afraid to join in, he knows Cleo has the hots for him when she is herself, imagine what she’s like dressed up.

Big Brother thinks it can go one better and provides a table tennis table. Ian and Shilpa play one another, much to the coven’s disgust. Deciding it would be much better to play drinking games (no more kebab showing, please!!!) Jade and Danielle tuck into booze. Oh great, more foul mouthed, empty headed borderline racist insults to come then? More shouting at Dirk for no reason?

Big Brother reads out their questions. Jade proposed one about “heskey moes” and Dirk decided to treat everyone to ponder on relativity. Jade backtracks, suddenly best friends with Dirk and Shilpa – nothing to do with them getting 75% of the vote, is it Jade? Suspecting nomination in the morning, Jade goes into mouth slavering, jaw jabbering over drive, desperately trying to make peace with everyone in her own “unique” way (as in - I am right, you are wrong!) She goes on and on to Shilpa about dominating the kitchen until Shilpa breaks down in tears. “I don’t know if you are being genuine or not!” barks Jade. Oh, go away you dreadful specimen.

Jade employs her now infamous bully tactics and continues, with the aid of a spineless Cleo, to rip into Shilpa, “but I like you. I’m not a hypocrite” she whines. If only Big Brother Highlights would show this as it is – Jade the bully. I fear some craftily edited editions are on the cards with Shilpa the villain. Shilpa spends the next hour crying with a pathetic Cleo trying to be a mediator – only not grasping the mediators shouldn’t actually take sides!

If only this would make the highlights, then maybe the bullying bint of Bermondsey would bugger off back to her nasty habits and her media whoring days could end. Wishful thinking?

Love Jade? Hate morals? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: DAy 11: 13th Jan 2007

2007-01-13T18:07:00.000-08:00

Danielle and Jade, the detritus of this show, continue to discuss their engineered argument against Shilpa. Danielle claims she will “never drink again” before pointing out she wasn’t at fault any way, it was all Shilpa’s fault. Of course it was Dani, Shilpa also caused the Middle East Conflict, the recent increase in air travel tax and the proposed defection of Jose Murhino from Chelsea. “The Cook” makes everyone their lunch again, to which they all thank her with a level of insincerity only ever seen when politicians address a party conference.

Realising some of us would rather take up glue sniffing and dogging if we have to watch much longer, Big Brother sets the group a task so there is something to watch other than a barrage of racist insults and needless bitching. Ian, Jade, Jack and Jo form one group and Jermaine, Dirk, Shilpa, Cleo and Danielle form another. Ian has to teach his group the words and dance moves for the Steps “classic” A Deeper Shade of Blue. Jermaine has to teach his “I Want You Back” a genuine Jackson Five floor filler.

Danielle and Jack go to the bathroom to discuss how Shilpa “wants to be white” because she used hair bleach on her face. Hmmm. How long before someone burns a Cross on her lawn and paints a swastika on her pillowcase? The Steps crew dress in Blue PVC, looking like the rejects that the folks at Barbie throw in the incinerator at the end of each day. Jermaine’s gang have Afros. Without a hint of irony, Jermaine pulls out his Afro comb and brushes his wig.

They finally perform. Dirk looks a little lost, like someone has dressed their granddad in a wig for a laugh whilst he was asleep. The performance is brilliant, even brain-dead Danielle managed to keep up. Sadly, when Ian’s group take the stage Jack forgets his words and the fact that he actually has to move in order to dance. Jo keeps giggling. They are woeful in comparison, much to Ian’s distress. The housemates speculate that the losers of the task will face eviction. Armed with this info I immediately send off a million emails to keep Jermaine Jackson’s group (and Danielle by sickening default).

Tragically, the only award is a party as Jermaine’s group get 75% of the vote. Jade looks forlorn. “Maybe no one likes us” she whines – yeah, keep going Jade. I think pure, blind and rabid hatred it more like it. The party is a none starter. Danielle mercifully keeps her promise to lay off the sauce. No Dani, you go ahead and have a drink and keep showing us what Sage Jermaine calls your “true colours.”

Right on cue, Jade takes herself off to lay alone in the garden before returning and bursting into unfounded tears in the kitchen. Has she had another miraculous trip the Diary Room to be tipped off about her behaviour? Did someone shout what a bitch she actually is over the wall? We are about to see yet another emergence of Saint Jade of Goody soon, mark my words.

Sick of the manipulation? Trust Endemol with your life? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 10: 12th Jan 2007

2007-01-12T17:39:00.000-08:00

“Big Brother was filmed in front of a live baying mob…I mean, studio audience. Brought to you in unglorious Jadevision.”

Dirk does his exercises. Jade walks past and asks him if it makes him feel better. Dirk has the audacity to shrug. Uh oh Dirk, big mistake you have now incurred the wrath of Goody and the Endemol crew. True to form Jade flees to the bedroom with her coven of hags and begins to annihilate Dirk again regarding the whisky saga. She’s slipping though; she mentions he will be shown on the highlights. Come on Jade, don’t give the game away. Some idiots out there still think you are a nice girl and not a scheming, manipulative, money obsessed harridan with a vacuous neo-racist boyfriend and glorified bag of spanners for a mother! Thankfully for Dirk, sensible Jermaine Jackson points out the gap opening up in the group – Jade’s Gang vs. everyone else, only to be remedied by Carole being evicted.

Sadly, Crazy Leo is certain he will go and the polls indicate he will as well. Oh good, so not only do we have the Bermondsey Bully left in the house, but all amusement and car crash TV will leave when Leo is booted? I don’t give Dirk or Shilpa long if Leo has to leave. Shilpa tries to reassure Dirk, cue more sweet flirting followed by evil stares from Danielle. Unfortunately it all gets a bit too much for Leo who, like a distressed Jack Russell, demands clean underpants – is refused and his only option is to prise open a wall with a sweeping brush, never to be seen again. Oh Leo, if only you’d swept Goody out with you.

Thank goodness Carole is kicked out. Jade’s face is a picture. Danielle isn’t happy though and after a pointless and embittered row with Shilpa (told you it’d be her fault!!) decides that Shilpa is “only the cook” and a “Dog”. Charming Danielle. Clearly Teddy is with you for your boobs only – even he, a wooden top, ageing footballer with weasel features and charisma bypass couldn’t find anything remotely nice in your personality.

Carole gushes in her interview about how wrong she was regarding Jade and Danielle when she slated them in her paper. No Carole, you were right all along and they fooled you – a tabloid hack hoodwinked by grotesque press-whore with the face of a Rottweiler and the voice of a forklift truck in reverse gear!

A sense of calm is resorted to the house when Jermaine, Shilpa and Dirk sit and discuss life, love and the world. This is what Big Brother could have been – intelligence and clarity. We’ve seen the binge drinking, duvet fumbling, girl-on-girl, fully frontal, food throwing, carpet vomiting generation series after series. It no longer entertains. Here is a chance to show something of genuine interest for anyone who has even a remnant of brain and it is immediately ruined by the arrival of the Goody clan. If only Ken had called Pest Control.

Dirk and Shilpa’s cards are marked. It’s clear that both with be nominated and the gaggle of bitches will win out. Dirk seems forlorn. Stick it out Dirk, you could crap a more dignified and wholesome specimen than Jack/Jade/Danielle. With any luck Jack may be up for eviction too – and then out! His “best bits” will last all of ten seconds but will be followed by Endemol’s gimp, Davina, telling Jack how ‘amazing’ he was:
“Yes Jack, I especially liked the bit where you called Shilpa a w*nker and a P*ki! Oh, and lets not forget the fun we had when you ejaculated on Jade’s leg!!!”

Feeling suicidal? Prefer to gnaw your own flesh? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 9: 11th Jan 2007

2007-01-11T16:49:00.000-08:00

Cleo looks shamefaced. She just asked Ian what it was like to ‘come out’ and instantly regretted it as Ian began to reel off his entire life story. Apparently everything is “amazing.” After Cleo dies of boredom Ian goes off to exercise with a dumbbell and Danielle – or are they one and the same? Jade exercises demonstrating The Plank – not Jack, but a ‘core stability’ workout. Come on Jade, we know you’ve had your fat legs and arse sucked out; you can stop pretending to be Paula Radcliffe now. If only they’d sucked out your brain too…

Leo declares that he does not need to watch soap operas because his life is “exciting enough.” He goes on, “I dreamt last night I had a pillow on my face." If only Leo, if only. The housemates are gathered to nominate. Danielle goes first which causes hours of confusion since Carole and Cleo are first alphabetically. By the time it comes to Jack’s nomination, Cleo has worked out she and Carole are being punished and seems visibly upset. The group decide to choose Carole over Cleo to face the public vote.

Shilpa, now firmly ensconced into the role of the house scapegoat, is blamed for this as she was sat near Cleo and Carole when they discussed nomination so she should be punished too! Jo, Danielle and Jade make a big deal out of crying because they are so upset that a woman they don’t know is facing eviction! Dani calls Shilpa a ‘scum bag’ and Jade, clearly wanting to continue her mother’s racist roots, impersonates Shilpa’s accent like some bizarre sketch from a 1970s sitcom.

Everyone stands in a crowd round Shilpa like the playground bully-bitches of old. Apparently it is her fault that Carole is up – never mind that Ian, Dirk, Leo, Jo voted for Carole too. Shilpa is demolished and Jade grins – her bullying expertise have worked again. Jermaine Jackson, a man of infinite calm and wisdom, comforts Shilpa, as she weeps in the toilet utterly alone. Shades of Sophie in BB3 methinks.

Dirk and Leo are also up for eviction. Jade rubs her hands in glee – she later engineers a nasty stand up row with Dirk over some whisky – that she doesn’t even want to drink! Her next victim is in her sights and her harem of moronic desperados agree with her assertions and the ramblings of her deeply offensive boyfriend. Demented Leo has entertained me non-stop, but sadly it seems he might go. Jade is so sure that Carole will stay I hope to hell she won’t – sorry Carole!

After Jade has managed to shout Dirk off to bed, she and her coven of Jo, Cleo, Carole and Danielle sit a slate him, certain he’ll be evicted. I’ve never despised anyone as much as Jade ‘The Gob’ Goody. If she’s on TV much more I will glue my own eyelids shut. In fact, if she’s on TV much more I will destroy my TV and go and live underground!

Let’s end on a joke.
Q: How do you get a fat girl into bed?
Q: Piece of cake!

Sick of Jade Goody’s Gob? Stopped watching BB? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 8: 10th Jan 2007

2007-01-11T01:38:00.000-08:00

Jack is on dangerous ground. In the early hours of Day 8 he decided to relieve Shilpa’s back pain with a foot massage (as in walking up her back). Jade looks on like an angry yard dog – jowls wobbling, nose pinking, gnashers ready for the kill. She goes to the Diary Room and spends an inordinately long amount of time in there. Well, she’s an old pro now aint she? She knows that will be great highlights for her – especially if she cries. Jackiey, always desperate to muscle in on her daughter’s screen time, follows suit.

Leo talks about himself for about thirty-eight hours before he finally retires. When everyone wakes the next day, Ian decides to do his exercises, pulling a face that can only be described as something akin to crapping a pineapple. Jermiane declares that he wants to do a “lot of laughing” today. Sorry Jermaine, you’re in the wrong place for that unless you count a Leo Sayer self-delusional rant the height of amusement. (Actually, I do.)

The excitement level ratchets up a notch – yes, Cleo discusses where to buy false eye lashes and Carole tells a wonderfully entertaining and interesting story about an arctic lorry reversing. Shilpa makes a curry and gets a round of applause, except from Jackiey whose scrawny backside has once again seemingly become attached to the Diary Room chair.

Leo wanders around, looking for someone to talk to. He spots Jermaine and jabbers away as Jermaine tries to carefully back off. Leo doesn’t take the hint and follows until Jermaine accidentally backs himself into a corner. Leo reveals that his friends don’t visit him in Sydney because they think he’d be “too busy” because there are so many TV shows and Radio programmes who want him. Well of course – no one does a high voice like Leo Sayer, eh, Leo? Jermaine is forced to chew his own fist in anticipation of at least a second of silence.

Ian continues his transformation into Jade Goody’s simpering bitch. If he utters any more compliments Jade will dissolve. Second thoughts keep going Ian. The rest of them decide to play a game of “Do You Know Who I Am?” Never was a title of a game so apt for this bunch of jokers.

Later, Davina comes on air to grin and bob around. Every time she moves you can see Jackiey laying into Shilpa in the background on the screens. None of this bothers the rent-a-mob crowd who seem to regard Jackiey and Jade as some sort of bastion of healthy debate, lively intellect and dignified behaviour. Shilpa is roundly booed – for what exactly? Being on the receiving end of an unflattering Endemol edit and a jabbering racist rant from Jackiey?

I had a quick look in my toilet and, true enough, there was all that is good and decent waiting to be flushed away. Mercifully some of the British public don’t agree with the morons who hang around Elstree and Jackiey is evicted with the lowest support - lower than Jack! Cue Jade being “heartbroken” and Shilpa being “to blame”. Jack says more in one minute after Jackiey’s departure than he has in the last week!

Davina bigs Jackiey up after her ‘interview.’ I’ve witnessed camels giving more graceful and eloquent interviews. The crowd boo Shilpa, Jackiey refers to her as “Indian” and everyone finds it amusing. “You’ve been a great housemate,” Davina coos. Yes, Davina but she’s not a patch on Hitler is she? He was a legendary housemate, all that goose-stepping and goading? It’s a scandal he didn’t win.

Jackiey is cheered again as she is ushered off. Hey crowd, next up Oswald Moseley and his Black Shirts followed by Enoch Powell and the Rivers of Blood crew! Davina gurns to the camera that Cleo and Carole will be punished at midnight. Gullible people stay up until midnight to find out how and…quelle surprise! No one is punished. Instead Jo sulks and moans because Danielle has become the new queen of farting. Dirk stands in the garden espousing guns, smoking and the lack of speed limits in Montana. He launches into an anti-liberal tirade and tells a shocked Cleo he doesn’t believe in foreign aid. Oh well done Dirk, that’ll go in the edit. Anything to make Jade look better.

Disgusted at society? Couldn’t give a toss? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 7: Jan 9th 2007

2007-01-09T16:32:00.000-08:00

“People will see that you are very genuine, caring and honest” Ian tells Jackiey. Surely this is another of Ian’s comedy moments. Haven’t we all seen that Jackiey is in fact vulgar, ignorant, patronising and loud?

Jade begins to sound out her housemates, telling Danielle she doesn’t trust Shilpa and she “gonna av it out wiv her!” Oh dear, a repeat of Big Brother 3 is on the horizon – Jade’s claws sharpening, posse in position and full on bullying ready to break out! Hasn’t the woman learned anything from her treatment of poor Sophie? And now Shilpa’s going to be on the receiving end, with Mother Goody as second. Poor girl, she gets my vote. Mother Goody takes Ian outside to do her hourly bitch of Shilpa. Ian tries to lighten the mood by pretending not to understand and then ropes a confused looking Jermiane into a conversation about weather.

Danielle agrees with Jade, looks like the Goody’s have an anti-Shilpa voting recruit, but Dani’s not happy. She wants some reciprocal anti-Leo members. Hmmm – it will be Leo, Shilpa and Jackiey up next I tells ya. I feels it in my bones.

Carol and Jo feel uneasy with the atmosphere but agree not to interfere. It’s too late though, Shilpa knows something is wrong and the group divide opens. She seeks comfort with Carol, Cleo and Leo who – for once – allows her to speak. “Jackiey’s only aggressive with me” she says. Of course she is Shilpa dear; you’re young, smart, intelligent and successful. These are concepts Jackiey and her loathsome daughter can only dream of.

Jermaine is dealt a body blow when Jackiey says she thinks of him like an uncle. Poor Jermaine, isn’t his family dysfunctional enough without the Beast of Bermondsey joining it? Besides he can’t be that much older than Jackiey, surely. (She’s ‘ad a ‘ard life, innit? It’s all in Jade’s book!)

Dirk decides to sport an ill advised goatee beard.

By the evening Jade launches into yet another bitch-fest about Shilpa. Holding court to her jester (Ian) and Bimbo in Waiting (Danielle) and displaying more ignorance than is surely possible, she declares “these celebrities who hang on to fame should just let go of the limelight.” Good God woman – heed thyself and bugger off then!

Jermaine reveals that he has tigers, giraffes and parrots. If only he’d brought them – we might have had some entertaining conversations. By nighttime the housemates are all locked in the bedroom. Excitement! Danielle thinks Teddy will be coming in. Instead Big Brother decides to create another anti-climax and a box of red wigs and 80s clothing is delivered instead so everyone can dress up. Jack's 'personality' emerges with a lacklustre Cilla Black impersonation. It's like she's in the room. No. Seriously. Jackiey manages more Shilpa digs, “it doesn’t suit you” “You look like a schoolgirl” “don’t call me 'she' my names Jackiey.” Argh – get this thing off my screen.

Finally they are called to the living room for a task – a maths task! Ten pairs of eyes dart toward Jade and Jackiey – there is almost an audible shared thought of “we have no chance!” They have to answer questions about themselves in order to complete the sum. Cue infinite shouting and shushing and Carole taking charge. No one can add up. Danielle doesn’t care because she’s drunk. Naturally, they get the answer wrong. Jackiey uses it to blame Shilpa again and everyone goes to bed.

Roll on tomorrow and, fingers crossed, an end to one of the Goody’s.

Care? Don’t care? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 6: 8th Jan 2007

2007-01-08T16:15:00.000-08:00

“Great repartee is about listening as well as talking" a frustrated Dirk tells Leo. He’s on dangerous ground, old Dirk. Last time he pointed this out to Leo the hyperactive one went on strike. Dirk is clearly too polite to let rip and tries to be amiable but his body language speaks volumes; it screams, “shut up you annoying little man! Stop making things up, stop interrupting me and stop being inappropriate with Danielle.” Instead he simply smiles.

Carole isn’t as genial. She’s ready to give Leo a “bunch of fives” if he says anything else and I believe it may well happen. Poor Leo really has turned into the sad clown who, alone during the nightshift climbs under the table to hide, tuts and mumbles and sticks his head into the camera as if he’s daring it to say something. There is now a visible gap between the group and Leo. The only people who actually want to talk to him are the “mini-celebs” he hates so much. I am, however, actually looking forward to a Jackiey and Leo talkfest where one interrupts and shouts over the other until one of them spontaneously combusts.

Dirk amuses himself by more endless flirting with Shilpa. “I want you in my harem” he tells her before potting some plants and painting a coat of arms. Shilpa smiles sweetly with a look of ‘silly old man, I’m on my way up and you’re not going to stop the ascent’. Everyone is touched by the blossoming, yet one-sided love story except Leo who is still angry. “I’m here under false pretences,” he whines. Really Leo? Thought this would be a cabaret cruise did you? Didn’t realise it was a Big Brother despite it being called, er, Big Brother? Get a grip man! He then launches into another rant about how the celebrities should still be well treated. Carole, to her credit tells him the fact they are celebrities guarantees them crappy treatment but Leo isn’t happy and stomps his feet in petulance.

A strange gurgling noise permeates the air. Cleo looks at the sink in panic, probably wondering if she washed the chicken remainders down the pipe by mistake. Crisis averted! It’s only Jo, suddenly becoming overwhelmed by it all. There have been a lot of tears this year, Jade, Jackiey, Shilpa, Cleo, Jo and Danielle – the viewers. Bring back the hard faced mob of Pete Burns, George Galloway and Dennis Rodman.

Finally the mind numbingly pointless servants task ends and the house reunites. Jackiey follows Jermiane around like a demented puppy, yapping and yapping at his feet until he has no choice but to talk to Ian about the best way to fold trousers, hoping he can bore Jackiey out of the room. Jack’s face lights up at the sight of Danielle. Hmmm. How long before an almighty Jade V Jack V Danielle bitch fight starts? I wouldn’t be too adverse – it would give Jack a purpose at least.

The task results are announced, Carol, Ian, Cleo, Dirk and Danielle all pass which is a miracle considering Danielle spent most of the task in bed whining and not wearing her uniform. Anyone get the feeling the BB bosses realise a drink fuelled party, rather than strict adherence to rules may be what this show needs for a kick start?

Jo fails for allowing Ken to make his own food. Leo fails due to falling asleep on shift – neither look to happy at the prospect that they may be shut in a room together away from the party.

The group are awarded with a takeaway menu and champagne. Jackiey asks, “Dirk what would you like Asian, Chinese or Indian?" “Indian.” He replies, looking at Shilpa. “Food, not women” Shilpa carefully responds. Dirk gallantly refuses Shilpa’s beer when she offers it to him – not that he is trying to get her drunk at all. Once again he is left devastated when she reveals she doesn’t drink. Shilpa has bigger things to worry about – she’s said f*** three times now and the Indian press will crucify her. Jade has to sit outside. The thought of her mother mixing with alcohol has clearly made her terrified. Her oh-so-supportive boyfriend Jack stands ten feet away from her and listens impassively (of course) to her concerns whilst keeping his eye out for Dani.

The party ends as predictably as the entire show – with a whimper. Nearly everyone is ready for bed by midnight. Still, at least Leo has managed to jolly himself up again. Dirk and Carole have an impassioned and deeply fascinating conversation about parental influence on a child’s lust for fame. So, with all the certainty of England Ashes defeat, the Big Brother bosses pan away and focus on Shilpa’s eyelids, struggling to remain open as Leo drones on, and on, and on, and on, and on…

Glad the task is over? Missing Ken yet? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 5: 7th Jan 2007

2007-01-07T16:35:00.000-08:00

“It’s her or me.” Ken Russell said to Big Brother when trying to explain why he wanted to leave the house. “She’s evil!” He continued. He was, of course, talking about Jackiey who has managed to insult, humiliate and annoy just about everyone in the house. Ken was the one who seemed to be coping but it all became too much. Big Brother, clearly not seeing sense, decided it would be better to let Ken go. Yes, funny, witty entertaining Ken with a wealth of stories, intellect and talent. Jackiey Goody and her swearing, burping, farting and inarticulate ramblings are much better aren’t they?

Ken also had a mighty fall out with Jade because she accused him of being inconsiderate when he made his own crackers instead of the servants doing it. Jade may have been right, but I’d also be put out if Jade Goody, queen of being inconsiderate, was saying it to me.

Carole reads out a laminate explaining that the Goody grandparents will be coming for a banquet that evening. Heaven forefend! There is an audible silence before everyone begins to bow their heads in dismay. Now Ken has gone there are more Goody’s than not.

The rest of the group tease Dirk and get him to admit he has a soft spot for Shilpa. “No, I just love her laugh” he blushes. No one believes him. He tells Shilpa that if she wants to rejoin them in the House Next Door he can help. He can either marry her or adopt her. His little heart breaks when she says ‘adopt’. Dirk seeks solace in Demon Leo who is still recovering from the all night service he had to provide to the Goody family.

Carole drags her servants back into the house to prepare the food for the Goody grandparents and Jackiey fusses, interferes and generally annoys. Danielle has another rare moment of insight and states that she feels Leo is playing up to the camera for his future career. “Perhaps he can bring his singles back out!” Oh, she aint so daft. Later, she decides not to stay in Leo’s company for too long because he “keeps talking sex” to her. I’m shuddering as I write – seriously.

An hour passes and there is still no sign of the Grandparents. Dirk and Carole are so bored they resort to discussing reservoirs. Jo and Shilpa sigh. Ian bonds with Jackiey over nothing in particular. Nothing much happens except an exasperated Cleo who looks ready to knock Leo out if he won’t drop his mime act. It’s understandable; it’s like watching a second rate Coco the Clown.

Jo gets the impression that Jackiey fancies her and worries she might faint. “The last time I nearly passed out was when my bitch was in labour,” she reveals. "Who?” Says Ian. “Jackiey?" I take back my previous remarks, Ian is a comedy genius. Dirk, like the viewer can no longer be bothered to wait for the grandparents and takes himself off to bed. Suddenly the camera can’t keep away from him. Well, come on, if he goes to bed a few hundred thousand women will turn off.

The Big Brother bosses won’t pan back to the main house though so we are all spared a live streaming of the chimps tea party. Another half million people kick themselves and switch the live feed off. Why are we staying up to watch two barrow boys who had the unfortunate luck to spawn Jackiey eat a meal with their family, a Bollywood star and a member of the Jackson Five? No reason. Let’s go to bed. Endemol have a lot of pro-Goody and anti-Shilpa editing to prepare for the highlights tomorrow. Mark my words.
Bored of BB? Loving the twist? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 4 6th Jan 2007

2007-01-07T09:01:00.000-08:00

Jermaine and Shilpa are bored. They want to play hide and seek just to keep awake. I feel for them. I’m bored too but at least I can turn over and watch Just the Two of Us or something…Shilpa decides against hiding in case one of the Goody’s has hidden something unsavoury in the same place. Ken wants the servants to come in but they seem to be on strike. They are all, in fact, sat in their postage stamp sized bit of land drinking tea in silence. Danielle pipes up, “I don’t understand this game” she whines. Neither do we love, neither do we. Carole grimaces. “I can’t be bothered” again Carole, neither can we.

Leo is still angry. Whenever he has to be a servant in the main house he refuses to talk – and he thinks this is some sort of punishment? Instead Leo mimes hoping he can still have his woeful conversations with the ‘original’ housemates Shilpa, Ken and Jermaine. Shilpa doesn’t understand a single mime that he does. Jade does however! Finally, something Jade understands with no explanation and it is something she was supposed to not understand! The look on Leo’s face is priceless; the rise in his blood pressure is almost visible.

Jo is annoyed that she cannot eat any of the food in Jade’s house. She whispers bitterly to Shilpa and Jermaine who look deflated. Jack just frowns. From entering the house all Jack has done is frown. He can’t have said more than two words, although that is probably best – I don’t think anyone is missing out on witty insights and biting commentary. Jackiey starts shouting for booze. She may have had a glamorous make over but she still resembles an old drunken soak on a park bench shouting at passers-by for some White Lightening and a can of Special Brew.

Ken enjoys his role as master, "tell me my man, do you serve from the left?" he asks. Thank goodness for Ken, he’s the only one he can find any fun in anything. Ian unwittingly provides the conversation of the day when talking to the one-armed Jackiey. “Serve from the left” he tells her. “My left doesn't work”, she replies, indicating her missing arm. “But mine does” says Ian, face as straight as an ironing board. I’d like to believe he meant that bit of humour but this is Ian, so it was almost certainly unintentional.

Cleo and Danielle are stuck in the kitchen, wearing a set of mop caps like a pair of busty scullery maids in a Carry On film. Dirk wanders around looking very handsome in his uniform, he seems undisturbed by the task, he’s more worried that Jackiey has a deeper voice than he does.

Jade cries in the toilet, embarrassed by her mother. Surely Jade should be used to it after 25 years? Shilpa comforts her by putting a cold wet flannel on her face. Now that may be an Indian custom, or is it Shilpa’s way of trying to stop the infamous Goody motor mouth? She’s not happy, young Shilpa and she gives Jackiey a piece of her mind for embarrassing Jade and being rude to the servants. Go girl! I’m liking Shilpa, I hope she isn’t evicted. Jackiey won’t give Shilpa a second to speak however and shouts and carries on like a lunatic. Still, it only serves to make Jackiey look like the ignorant fool she is. Is it any wonder Jade ended up that way she did? Its no wonder Shilpa nearly lost it, Jackiey’s been calling her ‘Shoopa’ and ‘Princess’ for the last two days, like some all-too real version of Marjorie Dawes talking to her Indian student.

Ken tries to diffuse the situation by eating rhubarb as though devouring the entrails of a still alive cow.

Back next-door Leo tries to recount the arguments by adding his own twist. He even does an impression of Jackiey that actually makes me laugh. (Blimey, I have been entertained by Leo Sayer) then moans on and on to a glazed over Dirk and Cleo that they "are here as the toys of society". Quick, has anyone got the receipt? I’m taking Leo right back to the Society Toy Shop.

Can it get any worse? Do we care any more. Is Jackiey Goody actually worse than Jade? Anything? Chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 3 5th Jan 2007

2007-01-05T17:51:00.000-08:00

Day 3 began with the all too obvious and terrible prospect of Jade Goody re-entering the house with equally unpleasant family (teenage boyfriend on bail? Former drug abusing lesbian mother? – Not that I’m a snob or owt).

It all kicked off on Day 3 (or the early hours of day 4). Jade arrived looking slightly glamorous. Her young boyfriend trailed behind her looking afraid. He has that same look when Heat magazine snap him as well…usually because Jade has (allegedly) smacked him in the chops for looking at another women (oh, Danielle – I fear for her). Poor Jack Tweedy, he has a lot to put up with for cash and fame (allegedly) – a lot more than Danielle, she only has to live with an aging footballer and get her baps out occasionally.

The house is split. Carole, Cleo, Danielle, Dirk, Donny, Ian, Jo and Leo become servants in that I-wish-they’d-scrapped-this-idea-after-the-disaster-of-this-summer House Next Door. Those left in the main house are deemed either too old (Ken) or too glamorous (Shilpa) or too pampered (Jermaine) to possibly be servants. The other housemates will serve them and all will be well. Except, no! Jade enters and no one reacts. Her mother enters and no one reacts. Her boyfriend swears and no one reacts. Jade does what she used to do at her vile best in Big Brother 3 – she goes to the Diary Room and slags everyone off as they watch her on the screen.

Like most healthy people, I had successfully managed to blank out the horror that was Jade Goody’s spell in Big Brother 3. Her drunken antics, her kebab showing penchant, her ‘fumbles’ under a mangy duvet with the equally mangy PJ. God, she was good wasn’t she? And that little bit of cruel bullying she indulged in every day…that was entertainment gold! Why, oh why in the name of all that is remotely normal is this woman back on the show and eligible to win? And at the expense of a Bollywood superstar, a musical legend or a hilarious old eccentric?

Next door Carole Malone sharpened her claws ready for Jade. I was excited. Suddenly, I like Carole Malone and she’s a horse I’d back in the fight of the year that Endemol are clearly engineering. Even better, lovely Leo Sayer’s evil side surfaces. “These mini-celebs” he spits when he sees Jade’s face on screen as though he is akin to Brad Pitt in fame! “The revolution is coming!” He determines. I like the Evil Leo. I’d vote for him if I hadn’t boycotted voting.

Leo is right. Donny vanished, declaring – as much as an incoherent arse can declare – that he “ain’t being a servant to no one.” Where’s Donny gone? Oh yes, over the wall. He tries to climb back in again but isn’t allowed. The remaining housemates are gathered and told that Donny has been evicted for breaking the rules. Rules? Since when did Big Brother care about rules? That strange wild boar type creature named Jayne perpetrated a mass murder last year and all she got was a telling off! Rules? Balls! I smells a rat, I do.

Dirk looks confused. Relative obscurity and no hope of any future acting work seem like an inviting prospect now he’s spent three days in the house. You can almost see the words “why did I do this?” forming into a pattern on his furrowed brow. Danielle giggles. She doesn’t care that Donny’s gone. She can wear his sunglasses now. She wants to meet Jade; she’s a big fan! Oh Dani, you really are going to get the shock of your life. Jo and Ian sit in silence, intently watching Leo turn from bubbly little pop pixie into an angry 5 foot Beowulf in just under an hour. Cleo is non-plussed.

Back in the main house Shilpa is clearly horrified that anyone as common as Jade and her family can possibly be allowed to share her space. She looks at Jermaine in desperation and he smiles – he has as much idea about who Jade is as Jade does about him. Ken does the sensible thing and goes to bed. Jade’s mum Jacky tries to be polite and friendly but everything stinks of insincerity and another Big Brother stitch-up. They haven't learned from the Nikki debacle.

I sometimes wonder why I watch this stuff.

CBB5: Day 2 4th Jan 2007

2007-01-05T17:46:00.000-08:00

“Everyone likes a bit of cheese,” Ian “H” Watkins declared before entering the house. Well, you’d know Ian. However, Jo O’Meara clearly doesn’t. Wicked Big Brother decided to play one of her songs during a ‘party’ with all the predictability of…Big Brother. Shilpa urged her to dance, Ian was up for it – Jo wasn’t. “Why have they done that?” she moaned. Blimey Jo, who knows? Maybe because your song and your link to S Club 7 is the actual reason you are in the house. Yikes. It could have been worse. They could have showed some stills of that sex tape your ex-husband (allegedly) sold to the News of the World. Would that have been better?

Thank goodness for Leo Sayer. He loved it when on of his turgid migraine inducing efforts came on. Hell fire, a throng of stampeding wildebeest could not have stopped old Leo dancing his heart out like a newly recharged Duracell Bunny. For a second, Donny Tourette managed something close to a smile. Earlier Leo had managed to bore everyone senseless with his philosophising about recording music. People nodded politely. It seems that Leo Sayer knows everyone – he walked into the house knowing Jermaine, Donny, Jo and Ian. Now he knows The Strokes. I’m sure they are delighted at such a high profile mention. No doubt their album with soar up the charts, especially after association with the frizzy haired pocket monster of naff 70’s pop.

Carole, Shilpa and Cleo sit in a huddle like the witches from Macbeth, discussing how Big Brother works in details – only, really its Carole who does all the discussing, talking animatedly, constantly and incessantly. Its wonder the woman has nostrils because she clearly doesn’t need to breathe.

No one has seen Ken yet. My heart pounds. Surely not? Surely not? I keep waiting for the moment Danielle opens the toilet door only for a dead Ken to flop out on to the floor in front of her á la Zammo in Grange Hill.

Jermaine spends all of his time in a grim and anxious silence. He washes dishes, in silence. He wanders around, in silence. He’s called to the Diary Room, in silence. Is it wrong for me to want Donny to slip a little bit of whatever he’s on into Jermaine’s drink? Just when I think Jermaine has vanished into a small pile of dust he reveals to Jo that he has eight children, the youngest of whom is named Jermajesty! Actually, I don’t think Jermaine needs any of Donny’s ‘special stuff’ he patently has his own secret stash reserved for the naming of children. (Disclaimer – not really!)

Ken tells a disturbing story about going to a cinema many years ago where a strange man groped his do-da – no wonder every single subsequent film of Ken’s had a penis preoccupation! Cleo responds in the only way she can, by opening her unfeasibly large mouth even wider. I swear she can unhook her jaw like a snake.

Danielle reiterates how smart she is. Of course you are dearie, you’re so smart you won’t eat bananas because you think they stay in your guts for three months. You’re so smart you were actually shocked when Playboy showed pictures of you with your breasts out! You’re so smart you…ah, you get the point.

Members of the public send in questions to the housemates through a hi-tech block on the wall. (Sadly my question to Dirk Benedict wasn’t used. Probably wise.) The gang are alerted to the prospect of Jade Goody reappearing and everyone looks suitably aghast – even Jermaine who (lucky for him) knows nothing of the existence of Jade.

Everyone guessed within 20 minutes that there would be a twist involving the dreaded House Next Door. (What? You don’t remember the House Next Door? That wonderfully successful ‘device’ used in big Brother 7 that gave us Jennie, Michael and Spiral? Who? Yes, indeed.)

Is it me, or have Endemol run out of ideas? Maybe Jade is all they have? God help us all?

Comments? chillywinter@hotmail.co.uk

CBB5: Day 1 - 3rd Jan: Opening Night

2007-01-04T01:05:00.000-08:00

Glory be, Celebrity Big Brother is back and, for better or worse, I shall be glued to my screen and my PC for this unpaid diatribe/tribute.

It rained, it was bleak and there was a pungent whiff of disappointment in the air – yes, opening night of the endlessly trailed Celebrity Big Brother. As I settled down with a Vicks Inhaler, a few Sudafed and pillow (nothing kinky, just a cold) I waited with semi trepidation for the much rumoured The Hoff, The Shat, K-Fed and Whitney Houston. Davina appeared, gurning like a good ‘un and I knew I was more likely to see Lisa Riley, Lee Bloody Ryan “off of Blue”, some woman who once played topless darts and a camply embarrassing newsreader. The tabloids were quite good this year (though, they had a spy it seems) so it was no shock when the housemates were revealed.

First up, Jermaine Jackson. Forever to be known as “brother of Michael and Janet” he appeared looking like a slightly more wooden version of Captain Scarlet. He lamented the temporary loss of his servants, proclaimed his family would be watching (but not Tito, Jermaine, he’s on t’other side with Tess and Vern) and smiled in a polite yet shut-up-now way when Davina once again mentioned Michael. Hell, why not sack Jermaine entirely and install a cardboard cut-out of Michael in the house instead. Once Jermaine was in, the cardboard cut out of his odd little brother seemed wonderfully tempting.

Jermaine wondered, with an amazing flash of sincerity, why he was “doing this.” Why is he? Perhaps he is aiming for the David Gest affect only he has a chronic lack of David’s charm. Poor Jermaine stood around bewildered, lost and afraid – gradually morphing into that black warrior figure who stood next to Action Man on his display box. Again, without the charm.

Next, Danielle Lloyd. Like Jermaine the press were right. Cue montage of silly bimbo shots and a scanty girl with a Colleen-ish accent posing in a way Colleen never would. She shopped. Gratuitously. Danielle, apparently, only fell in love with her beauty contestant judge Teddy Sheringham after she won the title. Of course. She lost said title anyhow and she and Ted are still happily ensconced in their pseudo-retro Essex love nest months later.

Naturally, because she is young, attractive and the owner of ample boobs, Danielle was roundly booed. By girls. She’s not a bad lass though so far, quite nice and quite average. She’s pretty in a sort of “wasn’t she that hairdresser who used to be in EastEnders” way. I fear Danielle will leave early. She could single headedly save a housemate’s life (which she may very well have to) and unite the Arab world and still she’d come out of the house to another chorus of boos and vilification.

Ken Russell. Papers spot on again, kudos to the Daily Star (and I don’t say that often. Or ever). I only knew Ken for directing “that mucky film with Oliver Reed where he had his tackle out.” He arrived looking – literally – larger than life in a floral shirt, a waistcoat made from the remnants of an Indian restaurant and a shock of mad white hair. He sang, danced and waved at a perplexed crowd of 12-year-olds who looked, frankly, petrified. He joined our host on stage and attempted a Pete Bennett impersonation to no avail. A deathly silence shuddered through the throng. Pete Bennett? How 2006!!

Davina held his hand and looked worriedly at Ken who arrived not only with a bright red face but with the outline of the Grim Reaper behind him. He danced again and nearly fell off stage. For one awful minute I dropped my Vicks Inhaler, mentally preparing myself to witness The First Live Televised Stroke of 2007. (Surely even Endemol wouldn’t sink so low!) Mercifully old Ken was fine and the lovely Davina accompanied him down the stairs where he wobbled and I secretly hoped he’d make Davina topple. Luckily, I didn’t have to wait long to see that!

Jo O’Meara. The moon faced former lead singer of pop muppets S Club 7. She never really had the looks of the other girls in the group but she certainly had the voice. She now does reality TV (that singing thing last year) and she showed us her puppies in the VT. Not her Danielle-type puppies but the breeding dog ones. Jo got a good reception, even the girls cheered. Having talent, not discarding your bra and not boffing footballers is what it seems to take these days to impress a modern female audience.

Leo Sayer. A man in his fifties who is basically a two-year-old boy with ADHD trapped in an adult body. He must exist on a diet solely consisting of Smarties, Skittles and an Intravenous line of Pepsi. Nice though he was, he was also massively annoying. He’ll grate, mark my words.

Shilpa Shatti next, a “Bollywood Angelina Jolie” doubtless known to millions around the world, but utterly unknown to me. She waxed pathetical in the VT about her entourage and her status, lived in a gorgeous house, owned a daft looking dog and basically came across as a bit of a diva. Yet, she is undeniably beautiful, has a mesmerising voice and brought an air of elegance never – ever – seen on Big Brother before. Well, not since Kinga!

Carole Malone. I only know of Carole from her appearances as a semi-poisonous talking head on various programmed about “zelebs.” She never fails to mention how she hates Heather Mills, that journalism is tough and that she is happy to say what she thinks. The crowd hated her but she looked undaunted, like a thick skinned elephant stampeding its way through a tetchy group of gazelles. She’ll be out first, I’m sure. The only good thing about Carole Malone is the public set-to she had with the impossibly odious Jasmine Lennard on some TV show or other. Sadly, YouTube don’t have it.

Ian Watkins – or “H – from Steps”. He made the ‘shock’ announcement that he was gay yesterday, apparently. Come on Ian! It seems everyone knew except you! I must confess, Ian’s VT showed him applying make-up (in an actorly way, you understand) to a mock-stubbled chin in a dingy dressing room somewhere and I did find him a little bit attractive. I had to force myself to imagine Ken Russell in the nude so I could come to my sense.

Cleo Roccos. Men who were adolescents in the 1980s remember this woman fondly. A comedy side kick of the fab Kenny Everett. Now, see, I remember Kenny Everett more, especially now his spirit seems to have been channelled by Russell Brand only with large sections of the humour missing. Still, Cleo was gorgeous, clearly mad and quite unperturbed by everything. She also had boobs bigger than Danielle’s. Boob envy alert!

Danny Tourette. I’m a young, hip and happening woman but I’d never heard of this guy. I was convinced (and haven’t quite shaken it off) that this fella was, in fact, Dennis Pennis funny man Paul Kaye in his latest guise. Alas no – hipper more happening people that I tell me he’s in a punk band famous for phlegming on stage and beating up fans! Bet his MySpace page is dead zany too! He arrived pi$$ed and belligerent, throwing his bag as though we all cared. He immediately antagonised the crowd, retorting to the resident boo boy who dared to shout “who are you?” with V-signs and a torrent of foul mouthed “who the f*** are you mate!” The photographers baited, he responded and the boos got worse.

He took an age to get on stage until Davina was forced to march down and collect him like an angry mother, grappling with her stroppy 10-year-old son in the playground. Donny pulled his arms from Davina’s grasp suddenly sending the high-heeled one into a forward flurry – she nearly dropped her cue cards for goodness sake! A quick thinking Assistant Producer somewhere ensured we wouldn’t see The First Live Televised TV Presenter Assault and Battery of 2007 by cutting to a camera around 900 feet in the air. Burly security men arrived, Davina was undeterred and Donny Div was ushered inside, smelling “like a brewery.” Get away!

Donny won’t last unless there is a metamorphosis into something more original. He’s the sort you’d actually vote to evict if you hadn’t decided to boycott voting this year since Endemol’s-disgraceful-reintroducing-Nikki-into-BB7 stuff. Go on, just once. Treat yourself.

Finally, another true rumour. Dirk “The Face” Benedict. Dirk has the same affect on us females who were youngsters in the 1980s as Cleo does on men. Though he looked older, because…well, he is older, he was still, in my eyes, divine. He arrived in his A-Team van with the A-Team music. He edged out of the van with all the gusto of a man in his late 50s who hasn’t worked much. That was the best bit. The crowd loved him. He worked it, charmed us all and told Davina he was looking for love with a “lady of a certain age” before proceeding to perv, gawp and admire the 20-year-old Danielle. He’ll be popular, unless he’s actually like George Galloway underneath it all. Please, God, no!

The show finished. Danielle saw Ken in the nude, Leo twittered and twittered and Donny was almost sobered when he realised he was more unpopular than Carole. I succumbed to cold and flu and disappeared to bed, glad my live feed was down.

More tomorrow. Do you agree? Do you disagree? Do you care?
Do you want to commission me to write for you? Email me at : Chillywinder@hotmail.co.uk